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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be royally pissed off with DH’s juvenile behaviour

85 replies

Chocochick · 01/01/2022 04:12

DH and I have been having a few issues recently. To put it into context, my parents (I’m from another country) have been staying with us for 2 months; we have 2 DC (9 & 7). We all got Covid before Christmas and I was in bed for 3 days feeling really rough. Plus, my Dad is 87 and has a few health issues so I’ve been really worried about him. DH is a binge drinker and I tend to dread the holidays as I know they’ll be an excuse for him to overindulge.
Cue Christmas Eve and Christmas Day: I’m barely functioning and he’s necking the drink. I let it pass but on Boxing Day, I ask if he could please refrain from drinking until we’ve all recovered. He gets defensive and sulks for most of the day. The following day, we have another chat. We try to work things out; I ask him to please not lie to me about his drinking (or anything else for that matter) as I always catch him out and it’s just not constructive. We make up, things seem a lot better and we’re all finally feeling well for NY’s Eve so we have a lovely meal and enjoy some family time together. We take the kids to bed at around 10:30pm then sit on the sofa and I smell a rat when he’s not drinking.
He says he wants to have a chat and chill and then go to bed. I’m suspicious. Suddenly, our neighbour texts him to (apparently) say he’s alone as his wife and kids are asleep and could he come over for a bit. He pretends to be annoyed and says he just wanted to go to bed but feels bad saying no. I say I’d rather chill out and he assures me that he’ll ask the neighbour to pop in for 20 minutes or so then he’ll come and cuddle me in bed.
Midnight comes and he briefly comes in to give me a kiss, then disappears until 1:30am. I pretend to be asleep. He just rolls over (obviously after a few drinks) and falls asleep.
I couldn’t help myself and checked his phone. There it was: they had planned it all along and he said “I’ll let you know when the coast is clear” (i.e., when I’m in bed so he can come in for their drinking session).
I’m fuming! Not about the drinking (I’d have understood it’s NYE and that) but about his lying, conniving, juvenile ways just as we were trying to work on our problems.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Blueeyedgirl21 · 01/01/2022 11:26

Also elderly parents staying for two months and counting is horrific and you can’t do that again

mrsbyers · 01/01/2022 11:27

If I had in-laws staying for two months I would probably do the same - not a hill to die on this one and the cuddle thing seems really needy

Twicklette · 01/01/2022 11:33

You do sound controlling. Your husband is a saint to put up with your family descending for two months. Cut him some slack.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 01/01/2022 11:36

I’ll just try to overlook this episode but I’m forever battling with the drinking culture that seems to be so normalised here so he feels totally enabled and justified.

Do you drink yourself OP?

It's just you keep describing binging and "the next binge" but actually his behaviour (a few drinks with a friend on NYE) doesn't really sound like binge drinking to me.

The vast majority of people drink at Christmas and on NYE - and the fact that he invited a mate over instead of sitting on the sofa doing nothing is also fine IME.

I wonder if there are just different attitudes at play as opposed to one of you being completely right and the other completely wrong.

BillMasen · 01/01/2022 11:37

@SunshineCake1

People need to learn that most of the time is it the lying that hurts and is destructive more than then thing they are lying about.

Don't admit you looked at his phone. I'm sure you can make it believable that you know what was planned and happened and you know your husband.

Brilliant post

People need to learn that lying is destructive, but you should totally lie, it’s fine

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 01/01/2022 11:38

I knew it would be a drip feed.

anon12345678901 · 01/01/2022 11:41

@BillMasen 😂😂😂

SunshineCake1 · 01/01/2022 11:41

I never said that @Getyourjinglebellsinarow so stop with your juvenile emojis.

SunshineCake1 · 01/01/2022 11:42

Also @BillMasen I never said that either. God get some thought process going.

Lying is clearly wrong. It is made doubly wrong by not owning up.

Original poster
Chocochick · 01/01/2022 11:44

I don’t think I’m explaining myself too well. I NEVER expected him to be in bed by 10:30, quite the opposite. HE said he wanted to go to bed early, I was suspicious (rightly so, as it turned out). I have NO issue whatsoever with him having a mate over and a few drinks on NYE but don’t appreciate the elaborate lie and him pretending he really wanted him to come for 20 minutes when he wasn’t.
He did drink during dinner as did I and I would have had another drink with him at midnight, just not on my own as I find that sad.
My parents are leaving in a week. It was a mistake to have them staying over for 2 months but it’s done now.
I’d have been perfectly happy for him to have a couple of drinks each day between Xmas and NY but once he starts, he carries on and I don’t think I should be expected to accept 1-2 bottles of wine a night plus beers as standard festive behaviour, am I?
I just feel he tried to pull the wool over my eyes. We have issues; we are very different but have been through a lot trying to address them. I have anxiety and I know it doesn’t help. He’s great in so many ways but it just felt like taking a step backwards yesterday when it could have been a good opportunity to spend time together and build bridges (by this point, both my parents and the DC were in bed so we could have been alone but weren’t).

OP posts:
godmum56 · 01/01/2022 11:44

@Blueeyedgirl21

What do you class as heavy drinking ?

To be honest my partner having a mate round for some beers and a whisky on NYE because i didn’t want to drink and wanted to go to bed wouldn’t bother me at all. Do you ever go out together for a few drinks to watch sport or a concert or socialize on couples? What’s his behaviour like on these occasions?

yup...I might be described as a binge drinker because I will drink a bottle of champagne over one two nights and then not drink again for weeks maybe months. there is no "fighting the addiction" background to this, its just that I live alone with an old wonky dog who has phases when he might need the vet at any time so before alcohol passes my lips I have to be as sure as I can be that I won't need to drive. if the "binge" leaves you face down unconscious then I think the term is warranted, but I don't think we have enough information here to judge.
godmum56 · 01/01/2022 11:45

@Chocochick

I don’t think I’m explaining myself too well. I NEVER expected him to be in bed by 10:30, quite the opposite. HE said he wanted to go to bed early, I was suspicious (rightly so, as it turned out). I have NO issue whatsoever with him having a mate over and a few drinks on NYE but don’t appreciate the elaborate lie and him pretending he really wanted him to come for 20 minutes when he wasn’t. He did drink during dinner as did I and I would have had another drink with him at midnight, just not on my own as I find that sad. My parents are leaving in a week. It was a mistake to have them staying over for 2 months but it’s done now. I’d have been perfectly happy for him to have a couple of drinks each day between Xmas and NY but once he starts, he carries on and I don’t think I should be expected to accept 1-2 bottles of wine a night plus beers as standard festive behaviour, am I? I just feel he tried to pull the wool over my eyes. We have issues; we are very different but have been through a lot trying to address them. I have anxiety and I know it doesn’t help. He’s great in so many ways but it just felt like taking a step backwards yesterday when it could have been a good opportunity to spend time together and build bridges (by this point, both my parents and the DC were in bed so we could have been alone but weren’t).
I drink on my own because I live on my own....I don't find it sad at all...I mean should I import some random just so I am not drinking alone?
Flowers500 · 01/01/2022 11:45

Honestly? In this I think your husband sounds like a fucking saint. The parents staying for 2 months is YOUR PROBLEM to deal with, I’d be mightily fucked off with you for acting like it’s something that is both of you equally. You seem really controlling and a bit joyless, wanting endless early nights over the festive period. You were clearly unwell at some points but that doesn’t mean you should demand everyone else cancels any fun.

I honestly can’t tell from the information provided whether he has a problematic relationship with alcohol. You frame it as him sneaking out to drink, TBH though it sounds like him sneaking out to avoid you?

R0BYN · 01/01/2022 11:47

@HomeTheatreSystem

Where there's drink involved, I'd have to accept this was the way it is going to be for the rest of our lives together OR if I didn't want to live like that I would be leaving him. As you've seen he cares more about drinking than meeting your needs even for a short time so he isn't going to change, other than to get worse over time.
This sums it up nicely.
Original poster
Chocochick · 01/01/2022 11:52

I think the personal aggression is unwarranted. Do you equate joy with heavy drinking? I beg to differ. I have plenty of joy. I was dancing with my kids most of the evening whilst he sat and watched. Is he the joyful one? I’m not saying drinking on your own is sad if you’re alone but if you’re with your partner, in the same house, on NYE…it is. To me, unless one does not want a drink at all (I would have had one!).
Yes; my parents being here is a massive strain but we made the decision together. I didn’t force it upon him. We stayed with his mum for 2 months when we moved back to the UK and I had to deal with it although I hated it. He’s not hard done-by in any way. If anything, we both have issues to work on.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 01/01/2022 11:59

You sound controlling

MichelleScarn · 01/01/2022 12:06

We stayed with his mum for 2 months when we moved back to the UK and I had to deal with it although I hated it was that out of necessity while you looked for a house and not a holiday though?

And it does sound controlling and a bit pious. He can drink if you are but if you're not he's 'sad'.

Original poster
Chocochick · 01/01/2022 12:07

Thank you to everyone who was kind and understanding. I can take criticism but some of the comments have been downright unpleasant and personal. I’m going to leave it here now because I don’t find the personal attacks helpful or constructive.

OP posts:
Twicklette · 01/01/2022 12:53

I don't think anyone was deliberately nasty but you did post in AIBU and many posters thought you were unreasonable. Perhaps us all the comments to think about your issues and to give you some clarity.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 01/01/2022 13:39

You sound controlling. And uptight
Who wants to ‘dance with their kids’ for hours, sober on NYE? Maybe a bit of a dance party and some music they like on but the idea of the whole family up dancing like forced wholesome fun is cringeworth

SeasonFinale · 01/01/2022 13:44

He has had a miserable Christmsd put up with in laws for 2 months and you wanted him tk have a miserable NYE too. Whilst I get the lying is not on the fact that you have been so controlling about what he can and cannot do has fed into his decision to do so.

BillMasen · 01/01/2022 14:35

@SunshineCake1

Also *@BillMasen* I never said that either. God get some thought process going.

Lying is clearly wrong. It is made doubly wrong by not owning up.

And yet you literally advise the op to not admit something and make something up!

Do you read your own posts?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 01/01/2022 14:52

He did drink during dinner as did I and I would have had another drink with him at midnight, just not on my own as I find that sad.

Of course it's not sad Confused Plenty of people live alone or are the only adult in the house (lone parents) - should they never drink unless they invite a friend over too?

My parents are leaving in a week. It was a mistake to have them staying over for 2 months but it’s done now.

I think when they leave, you need to apologise to DH for allowing them to encroach on your lives for such a prolonged period. I think many marriages would struggle if one party had their parents staying for such a long period of time. Then, draw a line under it. I would also be tempted to ignore any "poor" behaviour on either side that happened while your parents were in the home as it's a huge stressor for everyone.

I’d have been perfectly happy for him to have a couple of drinks each day between Xmas and NY but once he starts, he carries on and I don’t think I should be expected to accept 1-2 bottles of wine a night plus beers as standard festive behaviour, am I?

What you choose to accept (or not) is entirely your business but what you can't do is stay with him and try and change his behaviour, then become resentful when he (unsurprisingly) doesn't change.

Personally I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who drank that amount - but other people could care less. It's really a personal choice but one that only you can make. As you can see, everyone has a different opinion on how much alcohol is "too much" :)

InFiveMins · 01/01/2022 15:18

I feel sorry for your DH. Sounds as though he tries to hide things to avoid you moaning at him. You must be particularly controlling for him to get his neighbour to fake a situation for him Blush

zingally · 01/01/2022 15:20

God, if my in-laws were here for 8 weeks... I'd want a stiff drink as well.

"Jokes" aside though... You need to ask yourself if you can continue to live with it or not. How long are you prepared to put up with it if nothing changes? 1 year? 5? 10?

He sounds like he has a problem with alcohol, but by the same token, you sound very controlling over it.