To be royally pissed off with DH’s juvenile behaviour

[Chocochick]

DH and I have been having a few issues recently. To put it into context, my parents (I’m from another country) have been staying with us for 2 months; we have 2 DC (9 & 7). We all got Covid before Christmas and I was in bed for 3 days feeling really rough. Plus, my Dad is 87 and has a few health issues so I’ve been really worried about him. DH is a binge drinker and I tend to dread the holidays as I know they’ll be an excuse for him to overindulge.
Cue Christmas Eve and Christmas Day: I’m barely functioning and he’s necking the drink. I let it pass but on Boxing Day, I ask if he could please refrain from drinking until we’ve all recovered. He gets defensive and sulks for most of the day. The following day, we have another chat. We try to work things out; I ask him to please not lie to me about his drinking (or anything else for that matter) as I always catch him out and it’s just not constructive. We make up, things seem a lot better and we’re all finally feeling well for NY’s Eve so we have a lovely meal and enjoy some family time together. We take the kids to bed at around 10:30pm then sit on the sofa and I smell a rat when he’s not drinking.
He says he wants to have a chat and chill and then go to bed. I’m suspicious. Suddenly, our neighbour texts him to (apparently) say he’s alone as his wife and kids are asleep and could he come over for a bit. He pretends to be annoyed and says he just wanted to go to bed but feels bad saying no. I say I’d rather chill out and he assures me that he’ll ask the neighbour to pop in for 20 minutes or so then he’ll come and cuddle me in bed.
Midnight comes and he briefly comes in to give me a kiss, then disappears until 1:30am. I pretend to be asleep. He just rolls over (obviously after a few drinks) and falls asleep.
I couldn’t help myself and checked his phone. There it was: they had planned it all along and he said “I’ll let you know when the coast is clear” (i.e., when I’m in bed so he can come in for their drinking session).
I’m fuming! Not about the drinking (I’d have understood it’s NYE and that) but about his lying, conniving, juvenile ways just as we were trying to work on our problems.

WWYD?

Some posters here really need to grow up. If someone treats you like a child you tell them off not prove them right.

OP, I've been with someone who had an addiction. It never gets better and you become part of the excuse for why he needs to drink/use. If you complain it "causes an argument" so he needs to drink. If you don't say something, he'll either be bored or think you don't care so he needs to drink/use. There is always a "reason"

Thanks for the replies. I’ve struggled with my parents staying for 2 months. It was kind of sprung upon us as they’d not been able to travel since before Covid and, in hindsight, we should have made plans for them to stay elsewhere, at least for some of the time.
I just couldn’t handle a whole week of heavy drinking whilst we were all locked down and recovering so I felt my request was reasonable in the circumstances. He did drink plenty on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day and I was of course prepared for him to drink on NYE (never asked him not to).
The lying bothers me hugely, especially as we’ve been in a really crap place and we’re actively trying to work through our issues.

I don’t know whether to ask him outright if he lied and see what he says or fess up to the fact I checked his phone but that could lead to a massive blow up. I just hate dishonesty. Yes; he may need a release but he has form for these sort of lies and I find it a massive turn off to be honest.,

You have a few problems… One is an alcoholic DH.
Two is relatives staying for WAAAAAAY too long.
Three is a very fluffy communication style.

Why aren’t you direct? Both of you sound resentful AF and I don’t blame either of you. I would hate it if my DH’s parents stayed for a week, let alone months. I would be necking alcohol after two days. I would really resent my DH using Covid as an excuse to ask me to restrict or stop my alcohol consumption when that isn’t the actual problem. Drinkers KNOW they have a problem. They just don’t want to deal with it or stop. They like drinking. It’s a “normal” social construct in adult society. Giving that up is really, really difficult and requires constant explaining.

I would also hate it if my DH was organizing “play dates” behind my back with other people to sneak alcohol in (like you can’t tell….) even if I hadn’t been ill and lying about it.

You two need to learn to speak openly and honestly and be accountable for your actions.

You don't like dishonesty but you're the one snooping on his phone

True. I’m not proud of that but I knew he was lying and needed proof. I just feel drink is always a bone of contention between us. For him, it is his “culture” and he never sees it as excessive, always playing it down.

People need to learn that most of the time is it the lying that hurts and is destructive more than then thing they are lying about.

Don't admit you looked at his phone. I'm sure you can make it believable that you know what was planned and happened and you know your husband.

Are the issues you're having caused by your parents staying for two months, or were they around before that?

I have to say if we had either set of parents staying with us for that long, there would definitely be resentment and arguments. It's too long for most people - they need to leave - either to a hotel or back home. I'm surprised they even want to encroach on you for that long to be begin with!

You say you hate his dishonesty but then in the same breath mention that you check his phone - is that a common thing to try and catch him out?

I don't think his behaviour necessarily means he's an alcoholic or a problematic binge drinker but it's clear alcohol is a flash point in your marriage.

Is this a long-term issue or is it a minor niggle that's exacerbated by your current issues and the fact that he has his in-laws staying for two months?

I feel a bit sorry for him. I've had a few drinks every day since Christmas Eve and I think that's pretty normal. I probably won't drink again for a few months now though. What's his drinking like when it's not Christmas?

Your parents have been staying for 2 months and you're begrudging him a drink or 3 at Xmas.

No bloody wonder he is pissed off!

2 months? I would be drinking morning noon and night and I usually only have a couple of glasses of alcohol a week.

It sounds like he is an adult who isn't allowed to make his own decisions on drinking, especially and new year when it is acceptable to have a social drink.

Did you not have a drink with your parents during your new years dinner?

DH and I didn't drink last night over the evening but when it got to midnight we poured a glass of champagne. How sad he couldn't do that with you.

I would pack your parents off, draw a line under the last few weeks and have a fresh start - give it a couple of months and see whether things improve. Not worth starting the new year with a row given the circumstances. As others have said, your parents’ extended presence has probably made him feel pretty stressed out. Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming about other bad behaviour by him …

@SunshineCake1

People need to learn that most of the time is it the lying that hurts and is destructive more than then thing they are lying about.

Don't admit you looked at his phone. I'm sure you can make it believable that you know what was planned and happened and you know your husband.

🤣🤣 this is so hypocritical. So he's not allowed to lie to see his friend when his wife wouldn't let him but she can lie about searching his phone like a naughty school boy?

I think, from what you have said, that you need to get the parents gone and then sit down and have an HONEST conversation. Binge drinking is an imprecise term. Having inlaws (or anyone) staying for so long is definitely a mitigating factor, as is, potentially, a spell of family illness. He lies to you, you check his phone. Only you and he know what is really happening and whether or not the relationship is viable going forward.

🤣🤣 this is so hypocritical. So he's not allowed to lie to see his friend when his wife wouldn't let him but she can lie about searching his phone like a naughty school boy?

The hypocrisy is so thick you can cut it with a knife!

Well, I told him I knew he’d planned it all along and he denied it. I said I didn’t mind that but I’d have liked him to feel able to tell me rather than say his friend would stay for 20 minutes. It was NYE Ffs! Is is too much to expect him to want to have a toast with me?
His friend’s wife was asleep. I wasn’t. And I was on my own which I don’t mind but he promised he’d come and join me and he didn’t.
I told him it made me sad. He is feeling crap about it and has admitted that was insensitive. I may seem controlling but there is a long history of excessive alcohol consumption, hiding drink and lying about it so it’s always a sore point in our relationship.

So you're in bed pretending to be asleep anyway while he's out?

Agree with pp if inlaws were living with me for 2 months with no end in sight- as you haven't said when they plan to go home, I'd be escaping in booze and to friendly neighbours!

The neighbour came to ours which I said I didn’t mind but I know he pretended it was a spontaneous thing when it was planned and said he’d be back to be together after midnight which he wasn’t. I feel I have a right to be a bit annoyed and yes, my parents staying for so long has been really hard for both of us. I’m fed up with it and it doesn’t help in any way but him being deceitful is uncalled for in my opinion.

Yeah if I had the in-laws over for eight effing weeks there’s no way I’d want to toast with them and DH to be honest, I’d be so thoroughly sick of them all I’d be eating my way through the door to spend it with friends.

The lying and drinking go together. You describe him as a binge drinker but how often in a week does he drink?
My ex husband ( now dead due to his alcoholism) lied about his drinking, told me his drinking was normal, told me his drinking was due to his sad past life, was due to his business going broke, was due to me, was due to the cat —— anyone/ anything but him.

Please take some time to analyse his drinking habits, it’s effects on his behaviour, and it’s effects on your life. Once I saw just how much he’d changed my life —- and me—- through his drinking, I left. The last Christmas we spent together I sat in silence for 5 hours. He’d been drinking so heavily for days he passed out on the sofa in the tiny cottage we’d rented ( I’d rented, I ended up paying for it all) Knowing he’d begin raging if I woke him ( and aware there were neighbours) I left him asleep and sat on the floor for 5 hours. Shittest Christmas ever. I was gone before the next one.

Sounds like your DH has as very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I would class it as “alcohol misuse”. There’s no way I’d want my children to be exposed to binge drinking as a normalised behaviour. I really don’t understand the culture of drinking - as if it’s completely harmless when it absolutely isn’t.

They say that any behaviour tips into the realms of problematic when it starts to negatively impact on day to day life and relationships, which this certainly is.

I’d be wanting him to commit to getting support to recognise and change his behaviour, or I’d be thinking of leaving.

I completely understand his need to escape from the situation. I do too and as soon as we were free from Covid, we both went out together and separately. He actually went out with this same friend yesterday pm too and had a couple of drinks so he’s not deprived!
Being locked down with the kids and my parents and throwing his heavy drinking into the mix was too much for me to bear. Every year he says he won’t drink between January and April and never sticks to it. He travels for work and when he does, drinks every day, quite a lot (although he plays it down).
It is better than it was but a binge is never too far away and there is always a perfectly good reason for it in his view.
I’ll just try to overlook this episode but I’m forever battling with the drinking culture that seems to be so normalised here so he feels totally enabled and justified.

His friend’s wife was asleep. I wasn’t. And I was on my own which I don’t mind but he promised he’d come and join me and he didn’t.
I told him it made me sad.

If you didn't mind being on your own why tell him it made you sad that he didn't join you? It sounds a little bit manipulative. I think there could be issues on both sides here, OP. He shouldn't lie about drinking but I wonder why he feels the need to. I don't think it was reasonable to expect him to be in bed at 10.30pm on NYE. Perhaps your parents to could stay elsewhere so that you guys have the space to talk openly, work on your communication, and rebuild?

Theres so many interconnected issues here. I guess it boils down to you not wanting to live life the same way

• why does he feel like he needs to hide his drinking?

• why do you think he has a drink problem? Nothing you mention in your OP indicates anything more than infrequent binges with friends but perhaps I missed something? If he does actually have a drink addiction then he needs help. If not then I'm not sure you have a right to insist he cuts down. You sound very judgemental of him.

• why have you got your parents there for 2 months?? There is no way that was ever going to be easy, especially if you were already having issues.

And why did he lie to you last night? I presume from his perspective he was fed up of spending time with your family, having to isolate and just wanted to have a few drinks with a friend without being judged ( by you or presumably by your family). Marriage issues are tough enough without having it all under the microscope of PIL for 2 months.

Perhaps start the new year with a conversation about how you both want to live the new year and see if you can agree, or if it would be better to go your separate ways.

What do you class as heavy drinking ?

To be honest my partner having a mate round for some beers and a whisky on NYE because i didn’t want to drink and wanted to go to bed wouldn’t bother me at all. Do you ever go out together for a few drinks to watch sport or a concert or socialize on couples? What’s his behaviour like on these occasions?

DH is a binge drinker and I tend to dread the holidays as I know they’ll be an excuse for him to overindulge

Every year he says he won’t drink between January and April and never sticks to it. He travels for work and when he does, drinks every day, quite a lot (although he plays it down).

This goes beyond the “I’d be drinking too if my in-laws were here that long ” stuff you’re getting here really.

I don’t know what you should do, but I do think you should ask yourself what you’d do if you knew he was never ever going to stop drinking like this (and minimising it and promising to stop and not, etc). What would you do then? Because he doesn’t sound like he wants to change this really and you can’t talk him into wanting to.