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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP to leave me alone when in my room

106 replies

littlepieces · 31/12/2021 17:12

I've been living in a small flat with DP for 18 months. We have a second bedroom/boxroom that's 'my' room where I keep my clothes etc. and where I wfh. DP also works from home in the lounge/kitchen room, so we're together pretty much 24/7.

I like alone time - I read, draw, write, listen to podcasts. I go to my room to do these things, but after 10-15 minutes, DP is knocking on my door, coming to tell me about something pointless, eg. something he's seen on Twitter, or something that's happened in the street (we live on a lively high street). I can't concentrate on anything I enjoy because I know I'm going to get interupted by him. Even when I'm actually working for my job, he keeps popping into my space all day to tell me things, and I feel like I spend half my day telling him to go away as I'm busy, and he gets sad. He previously lived with his brother and I think this was normal behaviour for them. I've asked him to please let me have my alone time many times, but after a day or so he seems to forget. Is this what living with someone has to be like though, AIBU?

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 31/12/2021 17:14

Does his own work not keep him busy? He would drive me mad. My DH and I respect our workspaces. If the door is closed it means do not disturb.

icedcoffees · 31/12/2021 17:15

I've voted YANBU but I can see his side as well.

How much alone time are you wanting? Is this maybe not compatible with the amount of time he wants to spend with you as a couple?

FOJN · 31/12/2021 17:15

How would he respond to a "do not disturb" sign on the door?

Shoxfordian · 31/12/2021 17:16

It sounds like you’re basically incompatible

TooWicked · 31/12/2021 17:16

I've asked him to please let me have my alone time many times, but after a day or so he seems to forget.

No, he doesn’t forget. Really he doesn’t.

YANBU.

galacticpixels · 31/12/2021 17:18

A few times a week I absolutely need extended time alone to relax and calm my head. I tell DP I'm going for some alone time and I'll see him after. He never disturbs me.

I guess it might depend on how often you want to be alone?

Bagelsandbrie · 31/12/2021 17:18

I mean everyone likes the odd hour to themselves sometimes but how much time are we talking? Dh and I generally sit together if we’re at home, we can be comfortable in silence - he can be playing on the computer and I’ll be on my phone or reading or whatever. I’d find it odd if he just took himself upstairs and sat up there on his own.

Hankunamatata · 31/12/2021 17:19

My aunt just my uncle a dog for this exact reason Grin

Hankunamatata · 31/12/2021 17:19

He is having great convo with dog and lots of walks

pandainapudding · 31/12/2021 17:20

Depends how much time. Me and dh spend 24/7 together since covid began his work has never asked him back to the office but will eventually and I already wfh, we love it. We spend all the time together outside of seeing friends separately and if we sit apart to wfh well often check if the other one is about when we're not working because we just like each other's company and get bored easily alone.

I'd say perhaps you're not compatible and neither of you are in the wrong just different types of people maybe.

HikingforScenery · 31/12/2021 17:22

I agree somewhat on the compatibility point raised.
DH and I both love chatting. When we work from home, we have chats and laughs here and there. Same as when we’re just sat together.
We do spend time doing our own thing too- me upstairs reading while he watches something or catches up on his tasks.
He sounds like a nuisance to you.

OMG12 · 31/12/2021 17:23

This drives me crazy. We don’t really have spare room, just a v tiny box room with desk etc. I’m having an outdoor room built at the bottom of the garden.

Half way through a book-pointless shit about to
Listening to music on headphones -more random shit

Close eyes to day dream - discuss something happening in 6 months time.

I’ve seriously considered leaving

Why can’t people understand the need for extended alone time?

Original poster
littlepieces · 31/12/2021 17:24

I'm really only after an hour or so to myself a day, that's it. I had actually been thinking of putting a sign on the door!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 31/12/2021 17:26

I suppose it depends on how much alone time you want?

Work? Of course you shouldn’t be regularly disturbed.

Do you spend all your free time alone? Unlikely.

Oh balance YANBU but I suppose I’m not sure we’re getting the full picture.

Merryoldgoat · 31/12/2021 17:27

Cross post. An hour a day is completely normal and YANBU

Original poster
littlepieces · 31/12/2021 17:33

I'll say, 'I'm off to read my book, can you just leave me to it for an hour or so.' Then 20 mins later he'll come in being like 'sorry to disturb you but I just HAD to show you/tell you this.' It's always something that could have waited.

I'm also considering waking up earlier and doing my things while he's still asleep.

OP posts:
Freelady · 31/12/2021 17:36

I need extended alone time. My dh understands that. Does he understand?
I would tell him very clearly WHY you need this time, how it benefits you, and how you feel without it .

TellMeItsPossible · 31/12/2021 17:37

Yanbu. I'd feel terribly frazzled with too many interruptions like that.

TooWicked · 31/12/2021 17:40

@littlepieces

I'll say, 'I'm off to read my book, can you just leave me to it for an hour or so.' Then 20 mins later he'll come in being like 'sorry to disturb you but I just HAD to show you/tell you this.' It's always something that could have waited.

I'm also considering waking up earlier and doing my things while he's still asleep.

Have your tried actually unequivocally telling him that?

“No, you’re not sorry. I asked you not to disturb me and quite frankly I couldn’t give a fuck about this thing you want to show me, it could have waited. Which bit of ‘please don’t disturb me’ don’t you understand?”

AnyoneSeenMyPig · 31/12/2021 17:40

YANBU - I need alone time too and would hate to be constantly interrupted like that.

Vapeyvapevape · 31/12/2021 17:42

Rig the door handle with an electric shock device, just to remind him not to disturb you Wink

IncompleteSenten · 31/12/2021 17:44

That would drive me nuts.
I work from home and if my husband kept doing that I'd tell him to sod off

He wouldn't though because he's the same as me - we both need a lot of time alone.

The problem is you and your partner have different needs. That's always going to be hard.

You can compromise - lunch together where you can chat and he agrees that he does not interrupt your work hours?

And you both get some time to just relax and do your own thing

Quality over quantity. Does he want to spend all day with you where you are wishing he would shut up? Or would he prefer fewer hours but you both really enjoying the time together?

QueeniesCroft · 31/12/2021 17:45

@littlepieces

I'm really only after an hour or so to myself a day, that's it. I had actually been thinking of putting a sign on the door!
Forget the sign, get noise-cancelling headphones and a lock! You'll need the headphones to ignore the knocking!
IncompleteSenten · 31/12/2021 17:46

@littlepieces

I'll say, 'I'm off to read my book, can you just leave me to it for an hour or so.' Then 20 mins later he'll come in being like 'sorry to disturb you but I just HAD to show you/tell you this.' It's always something that could have waited.

I'm also considering waking up earlier and doing my things while he's still asleep.

The hour resets. Each time he interrupts the one hour a day you want to yourself, he resets the 'timer' (not physical timer) to zero.

He'll learn.

It's an hour ffs. It's not a lot to ask of him.

pantsandpringles · 31/12/2021 17:48

I second what @TooWicked said.. Tell him properly that alone time means he leaves you the fuck alone.

Our setup is weird here, but it works for us. We spend all day together looking after DC(2y11m) then I get her to sleep and stay through in the bedroom and watch TV /play games on my phone /whatever and he does the same in the living room.

We occasionally invade each others space every now and then but we mostly just enjoy our alone time.