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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP to leave me alone when in my room

106 replies

littlepieces · 31/12/2021 17:12

I've been living in a small flat with DP for 18 months. We have a second bedroom/boxroom that's 'my' room where I keep my clothes etc. and where I wfh. DP also works from home in the lounge/kitchen room, so we're together pretty much 24/7.

I like alone time - I read, draw, write, listen to podcasts. I go to my room to do these things, but after 10-15 minutes, DP is knocking on my door, coming to tell me about something pointless, eg. something he's seen on Twitter, or something that's happened in the street (we live on a lively high street). I can't concentrate on anything I enjoy because I know I'm going to get interupted by him. Even when I'm actually working for my job, he keeps popping into my space all day to tell me things, and I feel like I spend half my day telling him to go away as I'm busy, and he gets sad. He previously lived with his brother and I think this was normal behaviour for them. I've asked him to please let me have my alone time many times, but after a day or so he seems to forget. Is this what living with someone has to be like though, AIBU?

OP posts:
BoudecaBains · 01/01/2022 02:51

Sounds like he’d be better off working from an office. My husband couldn’t wait to get back whereas others much prefer WFH. Horses for courses.

RoomOfRequirement · 01/01/2022 05:47

During work that would annoy me. But I also can't imagine DH or I, who also both WFH, taking ourselves off for an additional hour a day specifically for some time apart. I'd find it a little odd if he went to 'his' room to read a book.

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 01/01/2022 05:57

Put a sign up on the door saying FUCK OFF?

I get it OP...my DH will spent ages in the garage playing darts or tinkering with things then when he comes in and I'm watching something on tv he decides it's time to chat then and talks over the top of my programme. I've given up trying to watch telly because between him and the kids they won't let me watch one hour uninterrupted.

Oblomov21 · 01/01/2022 06:29

This is really irritating, but other than split up I'm not sure what you can do.

NoCrunchyMum · 01/01/2022 06:36

Might be way off here, but he isn't checking up on you is he? I'm someone who needs downtime but had an ex who just did not get it, and thought if you didn't have 24/7 together, then there was something going on. He'd randomly appear, as he though I was texting other men..

Paq · 01/01/2022 07:00

He's an extrovert, you're an introvert. I have the same in my relationship. You have to spell it out to him. Covid and wfh are forcing you together far more than normal.

Maybe you'd be better off not living together.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 01/01/2022 07:01

Some people seem to be able to concentrate and/or fully relax around others but I just can't.

This makes me wonder if you are actually right for each other. I always used to feel like this until I met my now DH. He was that person who I could fully relax around. I wouldn't have married him if I couldn't.

YourenutsmiLord · 01/01/2022 07:07

I get up early as I wake early but I also like an hour or so to waste time on MN, read, fiddle about, plan the day without anyone getting in the way or sticking their oar in.

Hotyogahotchoc · 01/01/2022 07:16

If he can't leave you alone for an hour then I think he's being very selfish

Beseen22 · 01/01/2022 07:24

My DH is incredibly introverted. We have been together a long time and I can tell when he needs time on his own. I'm much more sociable and organise at least one night a week where I take an extra shift or go out with a friend and after the kids are in bed he is on his own. I also take the kids away for a weekend to his parents every time I can manage.

I respect that he needs a lot more time alone than I do, I love having the kids around me and being with family and friends and have a much more social job. However his need for alone time does not trump his responsibilities to our family, he's not sitting up in the bedroom playing games on his phone when the kids need sorted or house stuff needs done, or when I need time/support from him.

Aprilx · 01/01/2022 07:25

You should be allowed to work at home without interruption, if he is interrupting you then that is really not on.

But I don’t think this is work time, you mention drawing and podcasting. If my husband needed an hour leisure time away from me every day I would find it quite odd to be honest. We are apart for most of the day, like normal people, and have just a few hours together in the evening before bed so yes I would think it odd if everyday he went and shut himself upstairs for an hour because he needed “space”. He obviously doesn’t understand this either, it sounds like it could be a big source of incompatibility.

Marianne1234 · 01/01/2022 07:33

I kind of get it. I’m not sure really. I think at the same time some of the responses are all a bit mean.

My husband and I both work from home. I work upstairs, he works downstairs. He doesn’t really tend to bother me much, occasionally brings me a tea. He does however text me bang no on 1pm every day to ask if I’m stopping for lunch and for some reason it drives me absolutely bananas. It’s not like we sit and have a nice lunch together he usually still taps away on his laptop.

Original poster
littlepieces · 01/01/2022 11:14

So do people normally sit in the lounge with their DP to read a book, even if their DP is watching TV or doing something else? And juggle conversations and distractions while reading? I wouldn't be able to take in any of the book.

OP posts:
Lou98 · 01/01/2022 11:16

@littlepieces I do but as you say, not for everyone.

Do you go to bed at the same time? Could you go to bed a bit earlier and read your book before going to sleep to unwind?

IncompleteSenten · 01/01/2022 11:20

Some do some don't.
Work is work, not time to yourself even if you are physically alone doing the work. It's perfectly normal to both be 'alone' for 8 hours busily doing your job and need an hour to yourself to relax.

Marianne1234 · 01/01/2022 11:20

Well no i would take myself into my room to read but I wouldn’t be losing my head if my husband wanted to speak to me.

However we have two young children so it’s all moot. Lol at the idea of taking myself anywhere to read a book for ten mins 🙄

daschundsanddancer · 01/01/2022 11:25

Awww, I think some of these replies are a bit harsh! This reminds me of my best friend, who I've lived with on a number of occasions. She's the type of extrovert who gets so excited to tell you stuff that she'll interrupt you (or herself) mid sentence because she wants so badly to share her latest thought with you!
We came to an agreement that after work, I got 30mins of introvert time before coming out to chat.... except she still often bounced into my room saying "I know you're having introvert time but....." Luckily we both worked out of the house so it wasn't as overwhelming; I think you need to set some ground rules. Maybe ask him to consider each time if he's interrupting for your sake or his own?

ememem84 · 01/01/2022 11:32

@littlepieces

So do people normally sit in the lounge with their DP to read a book, even if their DP is watching TV or doing something else? And juggle conversations and distractions while reading? I wouldn't be able to take in any of the book.
Nope. I go to bed or in bedroom if I want to read a book. Or outside if it’s warm enough.
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/01/2022 11:47

That would really fuck me off. Most of my work is problem solving, drafting reports etc. so I need uninterrupted time to think when I am working. After work I need some down time to reset my brain into a non-work mode so I don't keep turning things over in my head all night. When I was in the office I could wind down on my way home but WFH I need some time and space.
However, I do also make myself available at times during the day. I stop work (if I can) when the DC come in from school for 30 min. I join DH for lunch if he is at home. If I am having a coffee break I would offer him one etc.
I do say to the family "I will happily come and chat to you in 30 mins but I need a bit of downtime now".

It sounds like you have become his in house entertainment. I would lock the door and make it clear that you need some time to wind down after work. The more he interrupts you the more time you will need. However, I would also make an effort to spend time with him outside of your quiet time.

novacancy3 · 01/01/2022 11:57

I have always needed alone time in my relationships and as I've got older it's got more extreme. I now need a ridiculous amount of alone time by any one's standards.

Dh and I both had jobs which involved shift work. Over the years our shift patterns were always opposed and an evening at home or a day off together was a rare thing so I easily got my alone time and it was never an issue for us.

I was a SAHM for a few years, but even then I always used childcare for a few hours a week so I could get some alone time.

When my dh retired things became very strained for a while as he didn't understand my needs, he's quite extroverted and loves socialising and being out and about doing things and meeting new people. There has been some really difficult moments as we've struggled to adapt.

We've compromised, but it's an uneasy truce and not ideal for either of us.

If I was given my time again, with the self knowledge I now have, I would definitely have chosen to live alone. I think that would have been fairer for both of us.

Marianne1234 · 01/01/2022 12:19

It all just seems a bit precious to me. How dare he break breath with you sort of thing. Hard work.

minipie · 01/01/2022 12:24

@littlepieces

So do people normally sit in the lounge with their DP to read a book, even if their DP is watching TV or doing something else? And juggle conversations and distractions while reading? I wouldn't be able to take in any of the book.
No but I might choose to watch TV with my DP instead of reading a book (we would agree what’s on TV). And then another evening we would both read. If you want to spend time together that does tend to involve some (small) compromises on doing exactly what you feel like doing, on both sides. But if you always want to do different things then perhaps you aren’t compatible.
rocky1914 · 01/01/2022 12:26

Just get a lock, OP. Problem solved.

OwlPumpingIron · 01/01/2022 12:31

God tell him to piss off. Nobody signs up to a 24 hour 'must be together' thing with another person

Forget about hurting his feelings. If you were working out the house from say, 8am to 6pm, which is totally the norm, he wouldn't have access to you. So tell him he has no access to you during those times at home

Poor man and his hurty feelz

NoSquirrels · 01/01/2022 12:37

We have a bit of this. My DH needs company, I need alone time. When he was in the office and I WFH it was perfectly balanced. Then since Covid he WFH and being the only source of in-person adult chit-chat and company, which an office environment would give him, has meant it’s hard.

I do insist on alone time. I have defended this in no uncertain terms, he’s under no illusions about my need for it.

Equally, though, I know he needs me to be present. Sometimes not even engaged but just present - so reading in the room he’s watching TV in. Additionally we schedule evening time together watching particular series etc. And I listen and appear at least semi-interested in pointless geeky shite he wants to show me (aka someone).

If we worked all day in separate rooms he would be in need of company more than I’d be in need of alone time. So think if you’re actually asking a bit too much or if he’s deliberately not understanding you.

Plus, encourage him to go out and socialise!

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