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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP to leave me alone when in my room

106 replies

littlepieces · 31/12/2021 17:12

I've been living in a small flat with DP for 18 months. We have a second bedroom/boxroom that's 'my' room where I keep my clothes etc. and where I wfh. DP also works from home in the lounge/kitchen room, so we're together pretty much 24/7.

I like alone time - I read, draw, write, listen to podcasts. I go to my room to do these things, but after 10-15 minutes, DP is knocking on my door, coming to tell me about something pointless, eg. something he's seen on Twitter, or something that's happened in the street (we live on a lively high street). I can't concentrate on anything I enjoy because I know I'm going to get interupted by him. Even when I'm actually working for my job, he keeps popping into my space all day to tell me things, and I feel like I spend half my day telling him to go away as I'm busy, and he gets sad. He previously lived with his brother and I think this was normal behaviour for them. I've asked him to please let me have my alone time many times, but after a day or so he seems to forget. Is this what living with someone has to be like though, AIBU?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 31/12/2021 17:53

Have you considered you may not be compatable? It seems like he wants company and you want your space.

skodadoda · 31/12/2021 17:53

If you were not wfh you would spend the days apart. He should not be interrupting your work time.

billy1966 · 31/12/2021 17:54

Really annoying and disrespectful of a simple request.

I would think long and hard about committing to someone so tedious.

mycatisannoying · 31/12/2021 17:54

You sound rather cold, and he's the opposite (and a bit needy!). Are you incompatible in other ways too?

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 31/12/2021 18:04

"You sound rather cold" What's cold about wanting an hour alone when you're in a small flat 24/7?

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 31/12/2021 18:05

I honestly think that is a lot of alone time. You work from home in your office all day then want an hour or two alone in there in the evening too. So you have breakfast with your dp and dinner. What other quality time do you spend together a day? It might be that you need to both spend more quality time together before going back to your office.

1forAll74 · 31/12/2021 18:08

Well,its all a bit sad for your both. each with your own personal likes and dislikes. But can you not sort it out a bit better, by discussing all the issues together. Complaining on here, won't solve anything, and resentment will set in,if you dont sort things out.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 31/12/2021 18:13

My partner and I share an office for WFH, we both work in different industries though. When we are working, we are working. We can go for hours without speaking to each other even though we are in the same room, because we are both busy and working.

JustLyra · 31/12/2021 18:13

@littlepieces

I'll say, 'I'm off to read my book, can you just leave me to it for an hour or so.' Then 20 mins later he'll come in being like 'sorry to disturb you but I just HAD to show you/tell you this.' It's always something that could have waited.

I'm also considering waking up earlier and doing my things while he's still asleep.

He’s not sorry. If he was sorry he would have done it once and stopped.

I’d have lost the plot by now, people ignoring simple wishes is so so disrespectful.

Lou98 · 31/12/2021 18:16

It sounds like moving in together maybe wasn't the best idea - I agree with others that you seem incompatible.

I think an hour is fine but then depends when you're both working aswell, if you both finish work at say 5/6, need to get showered, make dinner etc so by the time you really sit down for the night it's 6/7 then you go off for an hour 7-8 then go to bed at 10, that's only really 2 hours a night you're seeing each other.

Do you get a lunch break from work? Could you say to him that while you're "at work" to give you space in your office, that way you can have your time to yourself during your lunch break to read etc but then once you finish work you spend the evening together.

My DP and I like our alone time, I'll usually go for a bath or out for a walk with the dogs or to meet friends etc, he'll do the same. I would find it a bit odd to be in the same house but wanting to sit in a different room. We can do different things in the same room, for example he'll read a book while I play a game on my phone or something and not need to be constantly talking but I wouldn't want him to feel he couldn't tell me something/show me something unless it's at a set time.

I think you both sound opposites in that you like more alone time than most and he's more needy than most.

I don't think you were ready to move in together to be honest

Couchbettato · 31/12/2021 18:17

If he can't respect your personal boundaries, ie. You've asked him not to bother you when you're alone. And he can't respect your physical boundaries, ie. A physical door being closed. Creating a boundary, what does he actually respect about you?

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 31/12/2021 18:20

I think during work this is reasonable, we do chat occasionally but mainly starts with the offer of tea etc or of were taking a lunch break and both wfh. I wouldn't expect complete silence and no one to engage with me for an hour every evening, DH has his hobby set up in the spare room and I'll pop in with a cup of tea or just to discuss something, he'll do similar if I'm reading. It doesn't seem like much hardship to just have a brief interaction with your partner, and then go on with what you're doing. I like talking to DH and probably wouldn't live with him if I didn't. A couple of times a week seems reasonable but a ban on contact for at least an hour daily, after he's been banned from communicating with you for 8 hours during the day for work seems unfriendly and quite rigid.

justasking111 · 31/12/2021 18:21

@littlepieces

I'm really only after an hour or so to myself a day, that's it. I had actually been thinking of putting a sign on the door!
DS home from university puts up a post it note when working studying started to in first lockdown. It works well
LondonQueen · 31/12/2021 18:23

You sound better suited to being single.

IcicleIcicle · 31/12/2021 18:24

This would drive me mad, partly because I'm like you OP and need alone time and partly because it's so bloody selfish. Essentially his 'need' to tell you about the thing he's seen on Twitter or whatever is more important in his mind than your need for peace. It's a trampling of your boundaries too, you're communicating them very clearly and he's repeatedly ignoring them, that would ring alarm bells if I were you. It would be last chance saloon for me, a final, brutally frank conversation asking him to stop and maybe a do not disturb sign to hammer the point home but if that didn't work I honestly think I would be reassessing the relationship, extreme as that sounds.

Pr1mr0se · 31/12/2021 18:32

It is normal behaviour for an extrovert/ people person. You need to have a chat with your husband to set some rules if you don't like it.

Chloemol · 31/12/2021 18:34

Put a note on the door to remind him not to disturb you until xx time

OMG12 · 31/12/2021 18:37

@LondonQueen

You sound better suited to being single.
Or being in a relationship with someone who respects boundaries and doesn’t need constant interaction to get through life!
JustLyra · 31/12/2021 18:40

@LondonQueen

You sound better suited to being single.
Because someone doesn’t want interrupted when they’re working or reading a book they shouldn’t have a relationship? What a bizarre train of thought.

She just needs a partner with a bit of respect

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 31/12/2021 18:42

@Vapeyvapevape Grin
Rig the door handle with an electric shock device, just to remind him not to disturb you
Laughing too much at the visual image of this idea

VladmirsPoutine · 31/12/2021 18:43

This would drive me insane!!! Put up a sign!

Sunshinelover2 · 31/12/2021 18:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lunar1 · 31/12/2021 18:47

On one hand you don't sound compatible, but on the other, why would he respect this space as yours when he doesn't have the same? Where can he go to get away from you?

2022success · 31/12/2021 18:49

Kill Him.

HereticFanjo · 31/12/2021 18:51

@Freelady

I need extended alone time. My dh understands that. Does he understand? I would tell him very clearly WHY you need this time, how it benefits you, and how you feel without it .
This. I'm like this too and you need to state it clearly. His needs don't trump yours. You may just not be compatible.
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