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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP to leave me alone when in my room

106 replies

littlepieces · 31/12/2021 17:12

I've been living in a small flat with DP for 18 months. We have a second bedroom/boxroom that's 'my' room where I keep my clothes etc. and where I wfh. DP also works from home in the lounge/kitchen room, so we're together pretty much 24/7.

I like alone time - I read, draw, write, listen to podcasts. I go to my room to do these things, but after 10-15 minutes, DP is knocking on my door, coming to tell me about something pointless, eg. something he's seen on Twitter, or something that's happened in the street (we live on a lively high street). I can't concentrate on anything I enjoy because I know I'm going to get interupted by him. Even when I'm actually working for my job, he keeps popping into my space all day to tell me things, and I feel like I spend half my day telling him to go away as I'm busy, and he gets sad. He previously lived with his brother and I think this was normal behaviour for them. I've asked him to please let me have my alone time many times, but after a day or so he seems to forget. Is this what living with someone has to be like though, AIBU?

OP posts:
SuPerDoPer · 31/12/2021 18:53

This one of the many reasons I choose to live alone.

violetbunny · 31/12/2021 18:54

He doesn't forget, he just doesn't agree.

christingle2 · 31/12/2021 18:55

Honestly it sounds like you two aren’t compatible long term. Like you say, it’s annoying for you and he gets upset. He wants constant communication with whoever he lives with whereas you want uninterrupted alone time. I think you’ll need a proper talk and see if you can find a compromise else the relationship won’t work out

Mrstwiddle · 31/12/2021 18:57

I feel for you. And he either needs to stop or it simply won’t work out because it will drive you insane.

rainyskylight · 31/12/2021 19:06

I’ve had something like this before. I managed it by being deliberately absent minded when I was being talked to, acting totally dopey “sorry, I was thinking about something else etc etc” and then finally making a bit of a song and dance about coming back into the living room, ie “hello lovely, what have you been up to, what was that thing you were trying to tell me? Shall we do X together”. It really helped divide the “me time” with “together time”.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2021 19:08

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you alway got."

So, when he decides that his need to bother you is far more important than your need for some some alone-time - how do you react? Because however it is, it's not working, is it?

If you have previously reacted calmly and reasonably, I'd suggest you go full-on tantrum.

If you have previously gone quiet , go load.

If you have previously listened to whatever tosh he is talking to engage your attention, interrupt and tell him you are not fucking interested and will he just go away.

You are living and working in the same space. That's very difficult to manage, and it is totally reasonable to want a bit of solitude, and not just when you are concentrating on work (I would go apeshit at someone interrupting my work for anything other than the flat being on fire.).

And maybe point out to him that rather than suffering his continuing disrespect of your needs you're considering moving out / asking him to move out. Because he is demonstrating a persistent disrespect here. You've "asked him to please let me have my alone time many times" and yet he keeps interrupting. It's rude. It's disrespectful. It's 'I know you don't want this but I do, so I'm going to make it happen'.

And @TooWicked is absolutely correct:

You : "I've asked him to please let me have my alone time many times, but after a day or so he seems to forget."

TooWicked: "No, he doesn’t forget. Really he doesn’t."

justasking111 · 31/12/2021 19:09

If you were in the office would he barge in, would you barge into his office? Well no colleagues would think it unprofessional. Put up a sign.

As for downtime that's part of adjustment. I read, he watches TV. I switch off with earbuds and watch Netflix, prime, whatever. We're in the same room but have mental space.

Children of course upset our apple cart for years 🙈😂

DrManhattan · 31/12/2021 19:12

Totally understand Op and you are not 'cold' at all.
Some people just don't understand others, or even try to.

Bagamoyo1 · 31/12/2021 19:38

I’m with you OP, this would drive me insane.

BoredtoTiers · 31/12/2021 19:44

We both WFH - two studies but mine also has a little living area where I like to ready etc.

We had a chat about it and just agreed we'd close our doors when we can't or don't want to be disturbed, whether that's because we're on video conference, just trying to concentrate or wanting an hour's peace & quiet. Works for us.

Fidgetty · 31/12/2021 19:52

What a pain in the arse. I'm like you and need time to myself. My DH is also fine with solitude especially since we've had DC, but at the beginning of us living together he started doing this. It was intrusive and I had to get harsh to get him to understand. I'd literally bark "busy, go away" until he quit with the wounded nonsense and finally understood that this was non-negotiable.

We love spending time together and spend most of our days together since covid and it's been lovely but when I take myself off to my room he leaves me to it. If I'm on a deadline and lost in my work at all hours, he might pop in with hot drinks/food but just quietly puts them down and leaves again. If you've explained nicely and it hasn't worked then get harsh. If that doesn't work I'd reconsider the relationship as he's ignoring your needs and trampling over your boundaries. Some people are just needy and can't be by themselves. My sister is like this and would follow us to the toilet so she wouldn't have to be alone Grin

Rtmhwales · 31/12/2021 19:55

This is my life. It drains me. Plus we have small kids who constantly need me and my time and hang off me making noise. I need that hour to reset. The posters saying nobody needs that much time probably don't have sensory overload. I just need time to reset and can't understand why DP can't respect these boundaries.

I showed him this thread and he laughed and said "just because 3 people agree with you doesn't mean you're not the weird ones". So he will never really get it. But he's getting better about respecting closed doors.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 31/12/2021 20:11

I’d put a sign up.

And if that fails, I’d get angry.

TellMeItsPossible · 31/12/2021 20:18

@Rtmhwales

This is my life. It drains me. Plus we have small kids who constantly need me and my time and hang off me making noise. I need that hour to reset. The posters saying nobody needs that much time probably don't have sensory overload. I just need time to reset and can't understand why DP can't respect these boundaries.

I showed him this thread and he laughed and said "just because 3 people agree with you doesn't mean you're not the weird ones". So he will never really get it. But he's getting better about respecting closed doors.

He thinks it's funny to disrespect you? Sad
pickingdaisies · 31/12/2021 20:28

This is where the tea drinking analogy comes in. I like a cup of tea. But when I don't fancy a cup of tea, I won't enjoy it if somebody forces me to drink a cup.

Midlifemusings · 31/12/2021 20:37

Part of the issue may also be that he works in a common public space so you are likely in his work space when you leave your office. So you come into his space throughout the day and he does the same to your space.

That said, he shouldn't be interrupting you while you are working and if your needs for space / company are really different - you may need to reevaluate if this is a good fit for you.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2021 20:42

Get angry, stop tolerating his desperate need for approval/company. You’re entitled to a bit of alone time. You obviously haven’t really gone crazy with him.

JustLyra · 31/12/2021 20:46

@Rtmhwales

This is my life. It drains me. Plus we have small kids who constantly need me and my time and hang off me making noise. I need that hour to reset. The posters saying nobody needs that much time probably don't have sensory overload. I just need time to reset and can't understand why DP can't respect these boundaries.

I showed him this thread and he laughed and said "just because 3 people agree with you doesn't mean you're not the weird ones". So he will never really get it. But he's getting better about respecting closed doors.

Your partner thinking it’s funny that he disrespects and upsets you is an issue of it’s own x
MizzFizz · 31/12/2021 20:50

I would definitely have the urge to be like your DP - I feel a magnetic pull towards my DH 😂

If we were in the same situation, a frank but kind conversation, plus a "do not disturb" sign as a reminder would probably be what would help me to control my magnetic impulses...

Original poster
littlepieces · 01/01/2022 00:48

I don't think I'm cold... we have a really affectionate relationship and have a great time together. He's generally very kind and caring. But I need some space.
I'd agree with above poster, it's almost like he has this magnetic pull towards me, he just can't wait to tell me stuff and share things with me... and we're not seeing friends or doing our own thing as much because of Covid. So I'm his sole source of socialisation and entertainment most of the time. Some people seem to be able to concentrate and/or fully relax around others but I just can't.

OP posts:
minipie · 01/01/2022 01:35

Disturbing you during work time is not ok.

Needing an hour alone time a day… as a PP said it really depends what hours you are working. If you work 8-7 most days then adding an hour alone time means there is very little time as a couple, agree you might be better off living alone. If you work 9-6 then an hour alone time either pre or post work leaves plenty of time as a couple.

NumberTheory · 01/01/2022 01:51

I think a sign on the door would be a good reminder for him right when he's about to forget and knock.

I also think you need to consider a bit of compromise here. If you put that sign on the door, are you likely to forget and stay in your room for hours? Because he clearly loves your company and might find that too cold.

If you wouldn't forget about him and leave him all alone for half the day, banished from your presence then a simple sign should do it. If you might be inclined to get more engrossed in things than you realised then maybe a clock face which you set to the time you're "Disturbable" at?

If it ends up being impossible to find a balance that satisfies you both, then I think the compatibility issue needs strong consideration.

CelestiaNoctis · 01/01/2022 01:56

I get it but, sounds like you'd enjoy being single a lot more than your current relationship.

WrittenInGold · 01/01/2022 02:35

Would it work better if you schedule little breaks in the day when you, say, have tea together or lunch? That way he can save up the things to tell you until break time?

AutomaticMoon · 01/01/2022 02:40

Not really am excuse but does he have ADHD?