To reject this gift

[ThymeTravel]

I'm so so sorry that this is long, but I thank you for taking the time to read it. I really need guidance.

I'm on the fence about this one, but leaning more towards rejecting the gift.

Basically my mother and I live in separate countries. My DC is 17 months old and has never met her. When DC was first born my mother congratulated me and sent some money for the baby, which was appreciated.

We have never had a particularly close relationship, but things have gotten progressively worse since DC was born, as she makes no effort with my DC and my darling child deserves better.

DCs 1st birthday came and went and I didn't receive so much as a text from my mother. I had a milestone birthday this year and, again, no text.

A few months ago, I was in her country visiting my brother. My sister lives in the same town as my mother and was driving down (5 hour drive) to meet my DC as a birthday surprise to me. My mother had the opportunity to hop in the car with my DS, and come and meet my DC and see me for the first time in 4.5 years, but chose not to as she wanted to visit her father instead (apparently she couldn't do this any other weekend 🙄). My mother told my DS that this is because her father is old and "could die soon"........but he's in perfectly good health .

I hadn't bothered to make contact to tell her how much this hurt me, I didn't see the point. Christmas day comes and she texts to wish us a Merry Christmas and informs me that she'll be sending DC a gift in the post. I thanked her for the offer, but told her that I felt she had made it clear that she didn't want to be a part of ours lives, so a gift wasn't necessary.

She has now put money into my account for DC. I want to tell her that she can't buy us. We don't want her money or gifts, we wanted her time and love, but she chose another path. It's too late now.

She's been begging me not cut her out of mine and DCs lives, but I know she'll offer to make more of an effort, and let us down again, and again, and again. I'm so used to this treatment from her, but I don't want my DC to have to get used to it.

Do I return the money and tell her thanks, but leave us alone? Or do I buy something for DC with it?

ThymeTravel, don't worry about being "bought". You come across as someone with integrity, who has seen things done wrong and is determined to do better.
You'd only be "bought" if your mother's gifts got her more access to you than you would have given otherwise. And it sounds like it's not money or gifts that would "buy" you, but some effort and sincere apologies!

Agree totally with the sentiment that it’s a gift for your child and isn’t yours to refuse.

Personally, I’m in a similar situation with my family. When they send gifts (sporadically) I give them to my DC and send a thank you. I also send a Christmas card, the same as I do with my dentist.

There’s nobody in my life I cannot be civil to, including them. But outside of the kind of civility you might show to anyone, I wouldn’t think anything else would be required.

Take the money for your child. I’m very upset with a family member who then gave me money for Christmas so I’ve just put it away for my daughter as I don’t want it

Put the money in your child's savings account - it's just money.