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Original poster

Bow often do you see your family/mum?

114 replies

Iyf865rny · 30/12/2021 07:03

After seeing my family over Christmas, DH has been complaining that I insist on seeing my family every other week. My mum and I are fairly close and though we live around an hour away I love popping back home. DH thinks once a month is plenty and we have our own life to be getting on with. How often do you see your family?

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 30/12/2021 10:50

@Iyf865rny

We used to live close but then moved further away once we bought our house. No kids yet. At the moment, we both go over for Sunday lunch which admittedly does take over most of the day. Perhaps I should go by myself. I was reading the other thread about the boyfriend going over to see his family every other week and all the posters were advising the OP had to set boundaries or leave him. Seeing as am in the same set up, I was wondering whether it really is such a big deal. I would hope DH doesnt leave me over it
To be fair, I can see his point. I wouldn't want to spend every Sunday with my in laws either (nor would I want DP disappearing every Sunday for most of the day, to be honest).

Is there no way you can vary how you do things? So sometimes she comes to you, sometimes you go out, sometimes DP stays at home? And does it have to be every single week?

Stormsy · 30/12/2021 10:50

My mum and I are also very close and I see her weekly sometimes twice a week. She lives 15 mins away. None of our family are local so we see them much less as they're between 2.5-6 hrs away.

VestaTilley · 30/12/2021 10:52

Once a month is enough for many, but it’s horses for courses.

Growing up my grandparents were spread around the country, so we’d see my widowed DGM once every six weeks (two hours away) and my DGPs (five hours away) three times a year.

We’ve just moved to be nearer my family (35 min drive) so we see my parents once a fortnight to once a month, depending on what we’ve all got going on. My ILs live five hours away, but they come to us or we go to them, or we meet half way for a day out, so we see them on average once every two months.

If you’re the sort of family who live around the corner from each other and pop in for a weekly cup of tea, you would think it’s normal to see each other once or twice a week - that’s certainly the case for my BIL and his DW.

MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 30/12/2021 10:54

Until she died in 2019, I saw my m 4 times a week. She was 87 and lived about 15 minutes walk away. My sister used to see her on the days I didn't go and we'd also overlap our visits. My MIL is 95 and lives alone about an hour's drive away. DH sees her every other weekend for a few hours. Sometimes I go with him but not always.

MrsTimRiggins · 30/12/2021 10:57

The attitude of ‘you moved away, you come to us’ is unreasonable of your parents.
I’d say I probably see my mum every other week. That said it is more at the moment as I have a new baby and she’s coming over every week. But generally speaking, I’ll go down there or she’ll come here every couple of weeks. She lives 45 minutes from me, and I ‘moved away’ albeit not overly far, but the furthest of all my siblings!
We see my PIL at least every week, FIL more as he works for us and calls in to see baby on his lunch break/on his way home.
It rather depends on what works for you as a family, but on the face of it I would say that once every two weeks isn’t excessive.

Bluesarestillblue · 30/12/2021 10:57

My mum lives 2 hours away. We see her at least once a month (except during lockdown). It’s usually for a few days each time. She’s staying with us for a fortnight over Christmas/New Year. DHs parents live nearby: he sees them at least weekly (they take DS from school one day a week) and DH and DFIL play golf or go to the cinema together a lot

Bluesarestillblue · 30/12/2021 10:58

I speak to my mum every 2nd day though

silentpool · 30/12/2021 11:02

At least once a week.

PieMistee · 30/12/2021 11:02

If you have kids together he will be more than happy for you to go every other weekend with the kids!

PieMistee · 30/12/2021 11:04

I see my mum about 5 times a year but one of the times is for about 2 weeks! Same with DHs without the holiday

Classicblunder · 30/12/2021 11:08

Every 3 weeks or so - I would happily make it once a month but my parents would prefer every 1-2 weeks so this is the compromise.

I think there is a big double standard on here - many women are pretty codependent with their mums and that's considered fine, even desirable - but men who want to spend time with theirs are considered mummy's boys/weird

MamaWeasel · 30/12/2021 11:09

Most weeks, with dh. The three of us go on holiday together. They gang up on me sometimes. Grin

Dh sees his family once a week without me and once a week they come to us.

sproutypotato · 30/12/2021 11:10

I live minutes away from my mum but, while I work during the week, the nature of the job is unpredictable and reactive, and sometimes I can be required to work 70+ hours a week. I barely see anyone during the week, even my own DP. With my mum, Covid has created a situation where we haven't been allowed to see each other as frequently (she was in a bubble with my DB and family) but has required me to do more at work, so perfect storm really. Therefore I can see her twice or even three times a week in less busy periods, but sometimes not for 2-3 weeks if at a particularly busy time. She does make some passive aggressive or guilt trip-like comments about this from time to time, but since DP and I don't have kids, understandably we sometimes want to spend our weekends decompressing by going away, seeing friends, spending quality time together etc, especially when work is particularly hard. Rationally, I suspect I am not being unreasonable, as I don't love her any less, but I do still feel guilty.

One thing, though, is that DP wouldn't think to tell me what is too "much" or too "little". In addition, his family live around an hour away and he tries to go one night a week. However, unlike my mum who is a young mum, they are older and so increasingly dependent on him and his brother, so the frequency works.

The answers here are interesting but as a PP said, everyone's situation is different and there is no right or wrong answer.

Classicblunder · 30/12/2021 11:10

How often do you see his parents? If also every other weekend, that doesn't leave any free weekends

MajorCarolDanvers · 30/12/2021 11:11

Mum and dad couple of times a week
MIL about 4 times a year hit she lives 4 hours away

rainbowandglitter · 30/12/2021 11:12

My parents live 10 minutes away. I probably see them once every 4-6 weeks x

allofthecheese · 30/12/2021 11:14

I try to see mine every week. During the lockdowns we didn't see her for 6 months and I have a toddler so I'm trying to make sure DC sees her as often as possible now. DH will maybe come along every month or so for dinner at theirs but otherwise I usually go on my weekday day off with DC when he's working. I'll usually keep the weekend free for us. I don't think it's fair to make him go with you every Sunday! Perhaps go alone and he could come with you once a month.

Roominmyhouse · 30/12/2021 11:15

My parents are 80 miles away, we see them every 4-6 weeks. Mother in law is 30 miles away and we still only see her as often.

We both have family WhatsApp groups though so are in regular touch and I have a weekly FaceTime with my parents and sister.

elp30 · 30/12/2021 11:19

Both my parents are deceased. I lost my mother at age 10 and my father at age 40. I'm 51 now.

I have one sibling and I just saw her three weeks ago, along with her three adult children.
I saw her previously in 2014 or seven years ago.
I speak to her weekly on the phone.

My in-laws live in the UK so they're thousands of miles away from us in Texas. I last saw them in 2015.

If my parents were alive and my sister didn't live over 1,000 miles away or my in-laws not being an ocean away, I'd see them all as often as I could. But money and time off is hard to come by.

See your family as much as you can, OP.

GTAlogic · 30/12/2021 11:30

See them as often as you want op because ultimately they won't be there for ever and if you listen to your husband and back off for no reason you'll regret it.

I see my family fairly regularly but I do live a lot closer to them. I'm not particularly close to them but I do enjoy their company.

appleturnovers · 30/12/2021 11:36

I see her about once every 2 months because she lives the other side of the country, but if she lived an hour away it might be more like once a fortnight, and if she lived round the corner then probably once or twice a week.

I can see how it would get annoying for your husband though if going to see your mum takes a massive chunk out of the weekend, leaving not much time to do some of the other things he'd like to do on a weekend.

AnnaSW1 · 30/12/2021 11:52

Once or twice a year

lastqueenofscotland · 30/12/2021 11:53

3/4 times a year

CharSiu · 30/12/2021 12:33

I relocated twice for work purposes so saw my parents twice a year from my mid twenties till they died over a period of twenty years. Most of my family live in America and Hong Kong.

DH Mum lives in Surrey and about 2.5 hours away, we usually see her three times a year but for a week at a time. He returned her last night, I love her but FFS an entire week at a time is too much. She is supposed to be relocating near us next year and seeing her for an hour or two at a time every week will be fine.

AfterEightMintyCedric · 30/12/2021 12:48

5 days and one overnight a week...(caring for my dad for 18 months and supporting her since he passed away in May). In her ideal world we'd live together Confused.

In normal circumstances, once or twice a week.