Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bow often do you see your family/mum?

114 replies

Iyf865rny · 30/12/2021 07:03

After seeing my family over Christmas, DH has been complaining that I insist on seeing my family every other week. My mum and I are fairly close and though we live around an hour away I love popping back home. DH thinks once a month is plenty and we have our own life to be getting on with. How often do you see your family?

OP posts:
TheTurn0fTheScrew · 30/12/2021 10:05

@sofakingcool

Probably once every 4-6 weeks.

They live an hour away, so not too far, but as they've always been the type to insist that we have to spend a decent amount of time with them - ie arrive late morning and leave late evening - it's become harder as our children have got older to have a fully free day that frequently.

A shame really, as we see my MIL (lives opposite direction) every couple of weeks - but she only really wants a cup of tea and a chat and doesn't get upset in we don't bring the children every time, so much easier to arrange to see her

this is similar to us PILs live about a half hour drive away, but do want us to be there for quite some time, so we probably see them every 3-4 weeks. H doesn't like inviting them here as in his words "you can't get rid of them" so it's mostly us travelling to them. Plus that half hour drive is at least double that at tea time rush hour so we can't easily pop over on weekday evenings.
Original poster
Iyf865rny · 30/12/2021 10:15

I think my parents see us as having moved away (to the other side of London) so do think it's our responsibility to come to them

OP posts:
SmallElephant · 30/12/2021 10:18

That seems a bit rubbish to me - like they're punishing you for moving away! Unless they are old and would find the journey tricky?

2TurtleDovesInARow · 30/12/2021 10:20

I'd find an hour each way for a whole day every other week tiresome. Can you not just go alone and DH join you every 4-6 weeks?

Kitkat151 · 30/12/2021 10:23

My Mum lives 2 hour drive away.....I see her monthly...she comes her about 3 times a year....I go to her the rest....she comes on a weeks holiday with me and DP and adult kids and GC once a year and I take her on a couple of weekends away every year.

Stellaris22 · 30/12/2021 10:28

It's a bit odd that your parents think it's your duty to visit just because you moved away. You're adults and are entitled to your own life.

If you were visiting for care related duties that's different, but they shouldn't rely on you for a social life.

You can love your parents without the need to see them all the time.

TedMullins · 30/12/2021 10:29

Yeah I wouldn’t like being dragged along to have dinner with a partner’s parents every fortnight. I wouldn’t join them every week. I would find it a bit too frequent tbh as I like to prioritise my free time doing things I enjoy with my friends or partner over family and I’d want someone on the same wavelength as me. Once a month I think is fine and plenty.

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 30/12/2021 10:30

Just because you moved it doesn't mean you have to make all of the effort to see them, maybe talk to them about doing the travelling to you sometimes to give you and your dh a break. Pre covid i would see my Mum once a week most weeks and talk on the phone daily, I don't see her as much now as my Mum is vulnerable. Dh Mum we see every now and again, can be 6 months or over a year but he's not close to any of his family and neither am i so it suits us both fine. Our children adore my Mum but don't really know dh Mum very well, it's been a few years now we've not see her properly for. Both our Mums live less than half an hour away so both are close by. Dh never comes with me when i visit my Mum and he never visits his without me and the children as he's not interested in spending time with her but only sees his Mum to let her see the children for an hour or so. He sees my Mum often when my family get together but when i visit he's usually working. Talk to your dh about it and resolve the issue.

Angel2702 · 30/12/2021 10:33

Most days. Same for my siblings several times a week at least. Speak every day. But we all live close so pass by anyway.

BlibBlabBlob · 30/12/2021 10:33

The answers probably aren't going to be helpful to you OP as everyone's situation is different. If you love your mum to bits and she lives just down the road, you'll probably see her every day. If you can't stand her and/or she lives far away from you, you will see her much less often.

You should see your family as often as YOU want to. Any partner who has a problem with this is somebody you want to perhaps reconsider your relationship with. It's a red flag if somebody wants to control your relationship with your own family.

icedcoffees · 30/12/2021 10:33

I see my mum probably 2-3 times a month, but I see my in-laws most days as they only live round the corner and look after our dog for us while we work.

So I think every fortnight is reasonable BUT I wouldn't expect DH to want to have dinner with my parents that often. Why can't you go by yourself?

Pegasussnail · 30/12/2021 10:35

I used to see her twice a week which was never good enough and was told I was selfish.

That said - dh would never interfere or comment on how often nor would I with him
He sees his parents once a week and rings at least once a day. On occasion she rings 4 times a day

It sounds a bit controlling that dh doesn't want you visiting once a fortnight

Gonnagetgoing · 30/12/2021 10:36

Sometimes every other week, sometimes every week.

Sunset999 · 30/12/2021 10:38

Probably about once a week but speak every other day on the phone x

Sloth66 · 30/12/2021 10:40

Speak twice a week, visit usually every other weekend. DM lives alone about 40 mins away, getting more frail.

NinaDefoe · 30/12/2021 10:43

@GoodnightGrandma

You should see your mum as often as you want to. If he’s complaining about that I’d be concerned.
This. You can see your Mum whenever you like.

Do you insist he goes along with you too?
That might be the problem if you do!

Go on your own (with your DC?) and leave him out of it.

coogee · 30/12/2021 10:44

Twice since the Autumn of 2019.

NinaDefoe · 30/12/2021 10:45

@Iyf865rny

I think my parents see us as having moved away (to the other side of London) so do think it's our responsibility to come to them
That’s a problem too... It’s nobody’s ‘responsibility’.

Nobody should do anything out of guilt.

Darbs76 · 30/12/2021 10:45

Every other week is a lot as weekends go quickly when you’re working. Maybe go alone and he comes once a month or less?

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2021 10:46

Last saw mine in December, 2019 Sad
Prior to that, 2 or 3 times each year, several days each visit.

gamerchick · 30/12/2021 10:47

As much as I want, which is never. But the much as I want applies to everyone.

If she's in visiting distance, your bloke has no right to dictate how often you see her.

SweetsAndChocolates · 30/12/2021 10:47

Visit every school holiday (mostly), so every 6-7 weeks.
If my mum lived closer I'd definitely see more of her.

NinaDefoe · 30/12/2021 10:48

@Iyf865rny

We used to live close but then moved further away once we bought our house. No kids yet. At the moment, we both go over for Sunday lunch which admittedly does take over most of the day. Perhaps I should go by myself. I was reading the other thread about the boyfriend going over to see his family every other week and all the posters were advising the OP had to set boundaries or leave him. Seeing as am in the same set up, I was wondering whether it really is such a big deal. I would hope DH doesnt leave me over it
Just seen no DC.

Yes, go on your own IF YOU WANT TO - not out of obligation.
Or go as a couple less regularly. Once a month (First Sunday of the month for example).

Do what YOU want to do but don’t let anyone guilt trip you or stop you from doing what you want to do.

ColdandFrosty1 · 30/12/2021 10:49

About twice a week and sometimes I stay with her for a few days at a time. I do however have a mild disability and am a single parent so rely on her alot. We'd probably both prefer it if I was independent and didn't need to see her as much Sad

Cavagirl · 30/12/2021 10:49

@Iyf865rny

I think my parents see us as having moved away (to the other side of London) so do think it's our responsibility to come to them
This suggests that, in their minds, the default was that you remained living near them forever. Why do they not think of you as independent adults who the meet in the most convenient way for all concerned?

It sounds like a lot to be honest, what you're describing. Do you actually want to see them that often, have you ever questioned it?

How old are you both?

FYI an hour away here, once every couple of months on average.