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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel ungrateful for some presents - am I?

80 replies

BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 20:07

My husband is a thoughtful and kind person but he seems to miss the mark when it comes to gifts.

For the last twenty years, he disappears a couple of days before Christmas or my birthday to 'sort some things'. I will then receive a number of gifts from the same shop on the big day that seem like he has panic bought them. Also these days, we usually get a load of Amazon boxes arrive the day before. A lot of the time it's not stuff I want particularly and I find myself getting more frustrated about it as each year passes.

Here are some examples of things he has given me:

  • A scarf I already had 'as a back up'
  • The same cheap perfume I had in the early 2000s which goes next to all the other unopened boxes he buys each year.
  • A book by his favourite author, I got him the same for his present.
  • A book I was currently reading in front of him, but in paperback instead of hardback.
  • Some jewelry you would imagine an elderly aunt wearing.
  • The most hideous and impractical bag, he had gone to Radley because I was admiring a leather bag there, and he obviously filtered low to high and bought the cheapest, tiniest one which wasn't even leather.
  • Tickets to a preschool show (think along the lines of In the Night Garden) before we had kids.

I tried talking to him gently about these things and he told me I was impossible to buy for. I don't agree with this, but as he doesn't get hints I suggested I do a specific list instead. I already have one I write for my mum and sisters but he never asked to look at it. So I sent him that. This time he missed the mark even more than ever seeing as he had guidance!

  • I asked for a Fit Bit, I got a cheap Chinese version from Amazon that has already broken.
  • I asked for a specific pair on sunglasses, he bought some cheaper versions that we had already tried on in a shop and I said I didn't like them.
  • I asked for a ring from Pandora and got a generic charm.
  • I asked for a specific large umbrella for me to use on the school run, and he got me a little handbag umbrella which I already have three of as he buys them for me!
  • I asked for a specific brand of bath foam and he got me a toiletries set from a cheaper brand with stuff like body lotion I won't use.
  • A perfume - he got the same one again (he says he likes it, but I don't, and I have enough to last me five lifetimes now).

Please note I did explain to him that I do not expect all of the things on the list, and I specifically said I would rather have one thing I wanted than loads of things I don't. He's not poor by any means, but we both like to be thrifty and I don't mind that. It just feels like he goes too far.

Should I now remove the items from my list that he got the cheaper versions of, or would you leave them on for next year?!

Thanks for letting me unload, I know this is a first world problem!

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 29/12/2021 20:09

Be more direct? The actual links to say 3 items. No big list. This is why me and dh do a stocking only!! He sounds a nightmare op!

Theyweretheworstoftimes · 29/12/2021 20:09

I hate to say this but you would be better off ordering your own gifts. Send him the bill. 20 years of gifts as you describe?

Datsandcogs · 29/12/2021 20:10

I would make life easy for him. Set up an Amazon wish list or equivalent with direct links to the things you want.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 20:11

Leave the things you want until he gets it right

Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 20:11

He's not a complete nightmare, as he does get thoughtful stuff too, it's just over twenty years these things feel like they mounted up and I think because I did a list this time (yes it had links) it made me feel a bit frustrated.

You are right, perhaps forget the big gifts altogether and just do each other stockings.

OP posts:
ilikeice · 29/12/2021 20:11

My opinion - you are ungrateful and his presents at least showed thought.

But -
I don’t get presents as I’m a single mum and would kill for a thought sometimes.

It doesn’t make you a bad person though! Just manage your expectations on this issue I guess.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 29/12/2021 20:11

I would return the things he bought if you can and buy the stuff l need myself.
Next time when he asks what you would like, ask him why he is asking because he never actually gets you the stuff you have requested.
How infuriating for you.
My dh says l am hard to buy for which is why l send him links or tell him when my fave perfume is getting low - no surprise gifts but no nasty surprised either and no money wasted.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 20:12

@Datsandcogs

I would make life easy for him. Set up an Amazon wish list or equivalent with direct links to the things you want.
Good idea
Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 20:12

@Datsandcogs it was an Amazon wish list 🤣

OP posts:
MoreHairyThanScary · 29/12/2021 20:12

Ask him to return the things you will not use and buy one of the things you wanted on your list

He is not listening ( at all) you are going to need to be more direct!

Yes it may be considered rude but then so is his absolute lack of listening to you.

Bringonsummer19 · 29/12/2021 20:13

Agree with the wish list idea. I can imagine the frustration you feel.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 29/12/2021 20:14

Make him return everything so you can get something you do want. What a complete waste of money.
It sounds like he tries to buy too much and goes cheap to make it look like you’re getting more. It would wind me up no end.

Scarydinosaurs · 29/12/2021 20:14

Maybe just give him one thing from the list?

Then he wouldn’t try and be thrifty and just buy that one thing?

AutumnLeaves21 · 29/12/2021 20:14

Op has already made things very very easy for him.
OP is he cheap in other aspects of your life? Sounds a thoughtless tightwad.

Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 20:14

@ilikeice thanks for your honesty. I do feel a bit ungrateful and I do appreciate that I have someone that thinks of me. That's why I am kind of thinking maybe I'll just embrace the bits he got me and not worry that they aren't exactly what I wanted.

OP posts:
Mrstamborineman · 29/12/2021 20:15

Buy your own gifts and thank him for not getting involved.
Sounds harsh but why waste money and lie that “oh honey I love it” not!

Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 20:15

@Scarydinosaurs yes. That's a much better approach. I'll just pick one thing and focus all my energy on that.

OP posts:
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 29/12/2021 20:17

As someone who also values thriftiness, as you have said you both do, the most annoying thing about his approach is that he is actually wasting money by getting you cheaper stuff that you’d never use rather than more expensive stuff that you actually would. He sounds especially tight so maybe a shorter list might be your answer.

phoenixrosehere · 29/12/2021 20:18

Yabu to let this go on for two decades. I would have just bought my own things by year 2 and tell him I’d take care of it myself.

By buying things you don’t like and are not going to really use, he’s not really being thrifty because it all adds up and becomes wasteful.

SouthParkCovid · 29/12/2021 20:19

TBH he sounds like a dick. All these years together and he gets you cheap knockoff crap you don't even want.

You're not ungrateful, he should no better. Shows what he thinks of you if he simply buys the cheapest option.

Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 20:24

@SweetBabyCheeses99 yes that's spot on, I would try to get something he wants for a lower price, but this way ends up that things aren't appreciated and don't last as long.

He's not tight - well maybe he is a bit financially - he is a generous person in every other aspect of his life (time, affection, etc) I don't mean to paint him as a dick.

OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 29/12/2021 20:26

I think you might have to
a) be direct. Literally explain why one of the presents is no good - but from the angle of it being money wasted (since he likes being thrifty) and as justification for returning it
b) request a single inexpensive gift. He clearly does not want to spend more than the bare minimum. Choose something where he can't really substitute a cheaper version
C) suggest you get your own gifts or just abandon gifts at all?

Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 20:26

@phoenixrosehere I think I was grateful to have someone buying me gifts for a long time, and didn't want to be picky about what they were. I should have been a little more assertive but I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

OP posts:
cathotelier · 29/12/2021 20:32

He does sound unbelievable. I wonder what the thought process is that takes place when he’s shopping? He must just not see the difference between one thing or another. So perfume is all one and the same thing in his head - and the same for umbrellas, jewellery or anything else.

But also, there’s a certain dismissiveness to it - i.e he gets you ‘his’ version of what you have asked for.

Very odd. I’m not sure what you can do at this point OP, apart from buy your own?

phoenixrosehere · 29/12/2021 20:35

I think I was grateful to have someone buying me gifts for a long time, and didn't want to be picky about what they were. I should have been a little more assertive but I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Yet, he seemingly doesn’t have an issue hurting yours. Even when you have gently expressed what you did want despite him ignoring you, he accuses you of being impossible to buy for when all he had to do was listen. It shouldn’t be difficult to listen to your partner.