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Original poster

I feel ungrateful for some presents - am I?

80 replies

BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 20:07

My husband is a thoughtful and kind person but he seems to miss the mark when it comes to gifts.

For the last twenty years, he disappears a couple of days before Christmas or my birthday to 'sort some things'. I will then receive a number of gifts from the same shop on the big day that seem like he has panic bought them. Also these days, we usually get a load of Amazon boxes arrive the day before. A lot of the time it's not stuff I want particularly and I find myself getting more frustrated about it as each year passes.

Here are some examples of things he has given me:

  • A scarf I already had 'as a back up'
  • The same cheap perfume I had in the early 2000s which goes next to all the other unopened boxes he buys each year.
  • A book by his favourite author, I got him the same for his present.
  • A book I was currently reading in front of him, but in paperback instead of hardback.
  • Some jewelry you would imagine an elderly aunt wearing.
  • The most hideous and impractical bag, he had gone to Radley because I was admiring a leather bag there, and he obviously filtered low to high and bought the cheapest, tiniest one which wasn't even leather.
  • Tickets to a preschool show (think along the lines of In the Night Garden) before we had kids.

I tried talking to him gently about these things and he told me I was impossible to buy for. I don't agree with this, but as he doesn't get hints I suggested I do a specific list instead. I already have one I write for my mum and sisters but he never asked to look at it. So I sent him that. This time he missed the mark even more than ever seeing as he had guidance!

  • I asked for a Fit Bit, I got a cheap Chinese version from Amazon that has already broken.
  • I asked for a specific pair on sunglasses, he bought some cheaper versions that we had already tried on in a shop and I said I didn't like them.
  • I asked for a ring from Pandora and got a generic charm.
  • I asked for a specific large umbrella for me to use on the school run, and he got me a little handbag umbrella which I already have three of as he buys them for me!
  • I asked for a specific brand of bath foam and he got me a toiletries set from a cheaper brand with stuff like body lotion I won't use.
  • A perfume - he got the same one again (he says he likes it, but I don't, and I have enough to last me five lifetimes now).

Please note I did explain to him that I do not expect all of the things on the list, and I specifically said I would rather have one thing I wanted than loads of things I don't. He's not poor by any means, but we both like to be thrifty and I don't mind that. It just feels like he goes too far.

Should I now remove the items from my list that he got the cheaper versions of, or would you leave them on for next year?!

Thanks for letting me unload, I know this is a first world problem!

OP posts:
samwitwicky · 29/12/2021 20:36

Just buy them yourself

Howshouldibehave · 29/12/2021 20:39

@BendyWendyCheesyFeet

My husband is a thoughtful and kind person but he seems to miss the mark when it comes to gifts.

For the last twenty years, he disappears a couple of days before Christmas or my birthday to 'sort some things'. I will then receive a number of gifts from the same shop on the big day that seem like he has panic bought them. Also these days, we usually get a load of Amazon boxes arrive the day before. A lot of the time it's not stuff I want particularly and I find myself getting more frustrated about it as each year passes.

Here are some examples of things he has given me:

  • A scarf I already had 'as a back up'
  • The same cheap perfume I had in the early 2000s which goes next to all the other unopened boxes he buys each year.
  • A book by his favourite author, I got him the same for his present.
  • A book I was currently reading in front of him, but in paperback instead of hardback.
  • Some jewelry you would imagine an elderly aunt wearing.
  • The most hideous and impractical bag, he had gone to Radley because I was admiring a leather bag there, and he obviously filtered low to high and bought the cheapest, tiniest one which wasn't even leather.
  • Tickets to a preschool show (think along the lines of In the Night Garden) before we had kids.

I tried talking to him gently about these things and he told me I was impossible to buy for. I don't agree with this, but as he doesn't get hints I suggested I do a specific list instead. I already have one I write for my mum and sisters but he never asked to look at it. So I sent him that. This time he missed the mark even more than ever seeing as he had guidance!

  • I asked for a Fit Bit, I got a cheap Chinese version from Amazon that has already broken.
  • I asked for a specific pair on sunglasses, he bought some cheaper versions that we had already tried on in a shop and I said I didn't like them.
  • I asked for a ring from Pandora and got a generic charm.
  • I asked for a specific large umbrella for me to use on the school run, and he got me a little handbag umbrella which I already have three of as he buys them for me!
  • I asked for a specific brand of bath foam and he got me a toiletries set from a cheaper brand with stuff like body lotion I won't use.
  • A perfume - he got the same one again (he says he likes it, but I don't, and I have enough to last me five lifetimes now).

Please note I did explain to him that I do not expect all of the things on the list, and I specifically said I would rather have one thing I wanted than loads of things I don't. He's not poor by any means, but we both like to be thrifty and I don't mind that. It just feels like he goes too far.

Should I now remove the items from my list that he got the cheaper versions of, or would you leave them on for next year?!

Thanks for letting me unload, I know this is a first world problem!

I would go through these with him and explain what you actually wanted. This would really piss me off!

I have an Amazon wish list with LOADS of stuff on. I add to it all year and no matter what he chooses, I’m happy and he still gets to ‘choose’. I forget what I’ve put on it half the time so still get surprises!

I know you’ve said you’ve got an Amazon list so I’d be discussing with him how he had got it so wrong??

Do you get him cheap knock offs of things he’s asked for? How would he feel if you did!?

Nesbo · 29/12/2021 20:40

I don’t really get “presents” like this between married couples.

If we want stuff we buy it, but we’re mid 40’s so there isn’t loads of stuff we want now. The only thing that would really count as a present would be something completely unexpected, like if we saw something that we knew the other would love, but they didn’t know about it and so it would be a complete surprise. Anything else would be pointless.

If I wanted a pair of sunglasses I would buy the pair of sunglasses I wanted. I wouldn’t expect a partner to buy them from our shared assets and potentially get the wrong thing.

Maybe we’re getting it wrong, but it just seems so odd to me to want a partner to go out and buy you stuff that you can just as easily buy yourself.

crazyjinglist · 29/12/2021 20:42

It's pathetic tbh. I know some people aren't good at coming up with ideas for presents themselves, but fgs - if you've got an actual Amazon wish list, how on earth can you get it wrong?!

I'm not a grabby person and dh and I don't spend much on presents for each other, but buying umpteen crappy things I didn't want instead of one or two nice things just isn't something he'd do! Stuff buying your presents yourself- why should you? Just ask him straight out why he ignored your actual list and bought lots of crappy things instead of the things you wanted!

NorthSouthcatlady · 29/12/2021 20:44

I don’t think you sound ungrateful. The gifts all sound lazy and crap to me lm afraid. I would be tempted to send the most recent lot back, it would annoy me that they weren’t especially needed or wanted. So would lie around gathering dust

thetinsoldier · 29/12/2021 20:44

Fucks sake. You sent him an Amazon wish list and he still couldn't get it right and bought you cheap tat?

I'd ask him to return it all. How difficult is it to follow a link?!

Chillyjellytotty · 29/12/2021 20:45

Could you perhaps do cheap stocking items and then a main gift in the sales after Christmas?

crazyjinglist · 29/12/2021 20:48

The only thing that would really count as a present would be something completely unexpected

What do you mean by 'count as a present'? A present is a present! You can do presents or not do presents, as you wish, but I don't understand how you can 'not get' presents between adults. Dh bought me a dress for Christmas. It's lovely. He chose it. Could I have bought it myself? Yes of course. But it was nice that he chose one he thought would like, and I did.

CriminalOrator · 29/12/2021 20:52

[quote BendyWendyCheesyFeet]@ilikeice thanks for your honesty. I do feel a bit ungrateful and I do appreciate that I have someone that thinks of me. That's why I am kind of thinking maybe I'll just embrace the bits he got me and not worry that they aren't exactly what I wanted.[/quote]
I’m afraid I disagree with that poster. The gifts don’t show thought at all. He’s taken your list and bought shite versions of what you asked for, which is both thoughtless and tight. It’s also a false economy as they won’t last like the quality versions of them.

wingardium8 · 29/12/2021 20:52

This would seriously fuck me off.
Tell him not to bother and buy yourself what you want.

Nesbo · 29/12/2021 20:54

@crazyjinglist - so your example seems to have been a surprise, he chose something you weren’t expecting and may never have bought yourself- that would count as a present.

But if you had sent him a link to that exact dress and said “I want this for Xmas” how would that be a present, any more than buying it for yourself? And yet that seems to be what lots of people do.

I can completrr we ly understand it for kids, they can’t just go out and buy exactly what they want for themselves. But adults can - especially when they are married and do share assets.

ChocolateHoneycomb · 29/12/2021 20:54

Some people are very bad at presents.
Often it is because they don’t notice what the other person likes/wants in an observant manner e.g. any chocolate vs. Your favourite type.
Or because their theory of mind is not great, they struggle with understanding what someone else is thinking or feeling.

I recommend accepting he is crap at presents, that has helped me avoid disappointment. I just end up buying things for myself!
My dh is appalling at presents. Highlights have included

  • a bottle of ketchup (‘ you like ketchup’)
  • DVD we already have
  • a phone case that wasn’t the one I had strongly hinted I wanted, instead a big heavier one which was literally the opposite of my desired features
  • book entitled ‘how to clear up’

In laws aren’t that much better - one year they gave me a meat thermometer. I am a lifelong vegetarian.

phoenixrosehere · 29/12/2021 20:58

I’m afraid I disagree with that poster. The gifts don’t show thought at all.

Agree and I also don’t agree that because someone doesn’t have a partner to buy them gifts, someone who does should be grateful that they do regardless of the thought (or lack there of) put into it. Many would rather have nothing then be given a gift they don’t like, care for, or can’t use.

EllaVaNight · 29/12/2021 21:03

you are ungrateful and his presents at least showed thought. How did they show thought when she'd made a list and asked him to choose one and then he got something different? I was a single mum for a long time but I didn't lower my standards when I met my partner. I wouldn't have been grateful for someone basically not listening to me.

OP I'd probably do as a pp said and only tell him of one thing you'd like. He'll probably still get something else though since you literally gave him links for it all yet he still ignored you.

There's being thrifty and there's being wasteful. He could have got you one gift you love and use. He chose to get you several gifts you won't use.

Maybe it's a control thing? The reason I thought this is because you have him a link for perfume and he got a different one citing the fact he likes it. So he got a gift for himself instead of you.

pastypirate · 29/12/2021 21:03

The cheaper version of everything would hurt my feelings. Like I'm not good enough for the real thing.

Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 21:04

@ChocolateHoneycomb

Haha that meat thermometer is brilliant! I'm glad I'm not alone here. I found your comment really helpful and understanding. I have been with this man for such a long time because he is lovely, he's just not great at presents all the time (he has also bought be a lot of amazing gifts in our time together that I haven't mentioned). Doing the Christmas list made me a lot more frustrated this year as I felt I made it easy!

OP posts:
Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 29/12/2021 21:07

Can you not just ask him WHY he didn't buy the things on your list, but bought similar, cheaper things? If he says he was trying to get you more for the money, then tell him that when you give him a list, you want the EXACT things on it, and if he can't afford to buy lots of the items, to just buy what he can afford. Explain that by buying you things that aren't quite right. he is actually wasting his money as they will end up going to a charity shop rather than being used by you. As with so many things on MN it's all down to communication, and you are obviously not communicating clearly.

Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 21:08

@ChocolateHoneycomb your ketchup present made me laugh too, and also reminded me of a time my OH got me a bottle of my conditioner for valentine's as he'd used it all up Confused

OP posts:
almondcaramelcoconut · 29/12/2021 21:09

Honestly? Sometimes it might be better to just suggest "treating yourselves" and exchange only a token gift, that way there's less to be disappointed by ...er... pretend to like ...um... wrap.

Some people simply can't get their heads around the idea that you'd rather have one quality item than five cheap knock-offs that you won't use or enjoy. And on the flip side, I have people who I believe are privately disappointed if I spend "too much" (full price) on something, because they're such thrifty, avid bargain-hunters.

Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 21:09

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

Yes, probably 99% of problems would be solved with better communication. I definitely need to be a bit clearer and will be next year!

OP posts:
Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 29/12/2021 21:10

@almondcaramelcoconut

Haha I know what you mean about the people that bet annoyed if you pay full price. I think I feel like that at times also! I do love a good deal, it just has to be a good product too!

OP posts:
PizzasPlease · 29/12/2021 21:14

I'm sorry OP but the tickets to preschool show is absolutely hilarious 😂.
What did you say to that surprise?

gamerchick · 29/12/2021 21:14

Thrifty in my book is not buying the cheapest chattiest crap that will go to landfill. It's buying stuff that will last. If it can be bought cheaper than great.

Tell him to return the crap and get you one thing you've linked to. Stop with the gentle shit or you'll have another couple of decades of it.

Nesbo · 29/12/2021 21:17

“tell him that when you give him a list, you want the EXACT things on it, and if he can't afford to buy lots of the items, to just buy what he can afford.”

Ahhhh, the spirit of Christmas, what it’s all about. Brings a tear to your eye.

EmmasMum12 · 29/12/2021 21:20

You have put up with duff gifts for 20 years. Why would you expect DH to change now?

Hes a gift buying nightmare

Unless you are brutally explicit and direct(the perfume is disgusting do not ever buy it again) you will continue to receive duff gifts