I feel ungrateful for some presents - am I?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

My husband is a thoughtful and kind person but he seems to miss the mark when it comes to gifts.

For the last twenty years, he disappears a couple of days before Christmas or my birthday to 'sort some things'. I will then receive a number of gifts from the same shop on the big day that seem like he has panic bought them. Also these days, we usually get a load of Amazon boxes arrive the day before. A lot of the time it's not stuff I want particularly and I find myself getting more frustrated about it as each year passes.

Here are some examples of things he has given me:

• A scarf I already had 'as a back up'
• The same cheap perfume I had in the early 2000s which goes next to all the other unopened boxes he buys each year.
• A book by his favourite author, I got him the same for his present.
• A book I was currently reading in front of him, but in paperback instead of hardback.
• Some jewelry you would imagine an elderly aunt wearing.
• The most hideous and impractical bag, he had gone to Radley because I was admiring a leather bag there, and he obviously filtered low to high and bought the cheapest, tiniest one which wasn't even leather.
• Tickets to a preschool show (think along the lines of In the Night Garden) before we had kids.

I tried talking to him gently about these things and he told me I was impossible to buy for. I don't agree with this, but as he doesn't get hints I suggested I do a specific list instead. I already have one I write for my mum and sisters but he never asked to look at it. So I sent him that. This time he missed the mark even more than ever seeing as he had guidance!

• I asked for a Fit Bit, I got a cheap Chinese version from Amazon that has already broken.
• I asked for a specific pair on sunglasses, he bought some cheaper versions that we had already tried on in a shop and I said I didn't like them.
• I asked for a ring from Pandora and got a generic charm.
• I asked for a specific large umbrella for me to use on the school run, and he got me a little handbag umbrella which I already have three of as he buys them for me!
• I asked for a specific brand of bath foam and he got me a toiletries set from a cheaper brand with stuff like body lotion I won't use.
• A perfume - he got the same one again (he says he likes it, but I don't, and I have enough to last me five lifetimes now).

Please note I did explain to him that I do not expect all of the things on the list, and I specifically said I would rather have one thing I wanted than loads of things I don't. He's not poor by any means, but we both like to be thrifty and I don't mind that. It just feels like he goes too far.

Should I now remove the items from my list that he got the cheaper versions of, or would you leave them on for next year?!

Thanks for letting me unload, I know this is a first world problem!

Ask for an Amazon voucher 👍

@bendywendycheesyfeet
Glad it was helpful.
I’m sure your dh is good at things other than presents! Again, I have found it beneficial to think it is better to have a loving supportive partner than one good at presents but not much else.

My dh is almost exactly the same.

I asked for a pair of birkenstock sandals as i already have a pair without the back strap.

I hadn’t checked the website and didn’t realize that what they call sandals are what I call flip flops.

So I got flip flops, but the cheapest ones they do. Or buying a brand I like, but stuff from the sale.

I now try to manage things a bit better and just ask for a 2 or 3 small gifts around the £15 mark from a small specific/specialist shop and send links, so their is no chance of substituting it for the ‘cheapest/better value’ item which is close, but not exactly what I asked for.

He’s a lovely bloke, just not great at gift giving. And he knows I like a bargain, but sometimes what he buys just misses the mark and I’d rather he hadn’t bought me anything as it makes me feel as though I’m not worth buying ‘full price’ for.

I was talking with my kids before Christmas, and mentioned that the key to good gift giving was to focus on what the recipient would be thrilled to get vs what you want to give.

I don’t understand why my 15 yo wanted a 6.5 foot pink teddy bear, but she completely lost her mind when I gave it to her for Christmas.

Your dh needs to shift from what he thinks is ‘good enough’ to ‘what will thrill my wife’

Question: when he’s buying for himself, does he go for the cheapest version available?

@SouthParkCovid

TBH he sounds like a dick. All these years together and he gets you cheap knockoff crap you don't even want.

You're not ungrateful, he should no better. Shows what he thinks of you if he simply buys the cheapest option.

This.

What a twat.

Cheap, nasty tat instead of buying one decent, useful gift.

The repeated stupidity of this would give the rage.

Return the items and get what you do want.

And then tell him you have as it’s a waste of money because his substitutes completely miss the mark and are no use to you. As they’re not what you want at all.

I’d rather a book I really want to read than a paperback edition of one I’m reading. You’re not ungrateful your H is just being weird.

You’re not even asking for a list of incredibly expensive things either, return the umbrella and get the type you want. Return the handbag and get one you want. Return everything.

It’s such an utter waste otherwise.

I’ve asked DH for jewellery and books, and sent him links to what I like. I’d be really upset if he deliberately bought me things I didn’t want. What’s the point in that.

@ilikeice

My opinion - you are ungrateful and his presents at least showed thought.

But -
I don’t get presents as I’m a single mum and would kill for a thought sometimes.

It doesn’t make you a bad person though! Just manage your expectations on this issue I guess.

It's this kind of thinking that gets us in trouble as single mums. Crap gift giving (when OP literally had an Amazon wish list ready) is not better than no gifts. Much better wait for someone who will care - or for that matter, stay single and at least you won't have to put up with someone thoughtless, and even worse, model that as an ok relationship for your children.

My mum was always big on excusing my ex (and my dad and brothers, and all other men) for giving bad gifts, saying they are all like that / glad we got anything etc. That kind of thinking set me up with terrible boundaries and nearly 2 decades of my life lost to mediocre to terrible treatment from my DH and others. For your own sake and your DCs', expect more.

I think your husband is my MIL 🤣
I send her links to the exact items now

It sounds like the issue is that he’s not considering you or holding your desires in mind. How that makes you feel is your prerogative - it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or how that compares to anyone else’s situation! ‘It’s the thought that counts’ really is true and he’s really not putting any thought into your gifts and how you’ll feel about them. Would joining the dots for him help? e.g. explaining ‘when you do this I feel…’

@PizzasPlease

He didn't seem to realise until we arrived. I went along with it because I was baffled - I remember having a massive fall out just before we got to the show that I assume was related to my frustration about what I was about to sit through... we arrived late because of it. Anyway he owned that one, thankfully he had to sit through it as well so it wasn't just me 😂

When writing a list put the name of the products, places to buy the products and even a picture of the products right next to it. Sometimes you've got to spell it out, literally.

My partner isn't as bad as this, because he will buy things I ask for and things on my list, but he's still not great, I think in contrast to me actually being really good with gifts (imo). A few years ago I asked if we could do stockings for each other, and the first year he had filled mine with one brand of chocolate I like. Just that brand of chocolate and nothing else. It included flavours by the brand I didn't even like, but since this was the first year I didn't mind too much but did ask him to add more variety next year (like his!). I reminded him coming up to Christmas, and guess what I got? A variety of different brands of chocolate. Just chocolate. The frustrating thing is, I'm more of a savoury snacker, not some chocaholic. The following year I wrote a huge Amazon list full of cheap stocking fillers, including lots of very inexpensive non food items like chapsticks and toiletries and socks and stationary. I made the list huge so there would be some element of surprise and told him this, and reminded him again what I'd like (variety!) This year I was excited... and he'd filled it with a variety of just food items on the list. Finally some none chocolate items but it was entirely edibles. He'd added some things not on the list that I don't even like, and I'm the least fussiest eater in the world, so I was upset he can't remember the very small list of food I don't like.

So this year I told him I was buying my own stocking fillers, and though he was initially slightly offended and called me spoilt, I think he was secretly pleased it saved him a job, and everyone was happy on Christmas morning.

I suggest you do the same for your main presents. Another thing we've started to do is agree on a main present we both want, like a piece of furniture, speakers, family instrument, event tickets etc and only buy each other smaller things 'from the kids'. This takes any disappointment away because you aren't expecting any grand gestures.

@ChubbyMorticia you're spot on, I do think people have the wrong mindset for it sometimes!

Goodness, I wouldn't waste any more time trying to train him. He sounds like a utterly hopeless case. Ask him what the budget is and get yourself something.

I have a pair of Sweaty Betty leggings that DH "gave me". He's a Yorkshire man and may have died on the spot if he'd actually had to purchase them and see the price tag for one item .

@user33323 wow talk about leading a horse to water! How annoying!

Perhaps if you just ask for one thing you really want and tell him exactly what it is.. make etc.. you will get it.

This is what I did this year

No, you are not ungrateful, his presents are unbelievably shit. A second copy of a book you had already read and an identical scarf? What a waste of money.

Tell him to return it all in future.

Why on earth would he get you tickets to a pre school show?

@AutumnLeaves21

Op has already made things very very easy for him. OP is he cheap in other aspects of your life? Sounds a thoughtless tightwad.

I suffer from the same issue, but I have to defend my husband in that he really genuinely does panic. He can't shake the idea that a pile of presents is better than one present. He is also desperate to get it "right", but also desperate to avoid getting it "wrong" - so instead of putting all his eggs in one basket, he spreads the risk with a range of smaller gifts rather than the one big gift I really wanted.

Just tell him you know you can be hard to buy for because you like very specific items. Suggest he sets you a budget and you order your own gifts and he pays.

Clearly you value the brand names, and he doesn't. You ask for a Pandora charm bracelet; he reads charm bracelet. You ask for a Fit BIT smart watch; he reads smart watch. You ask for a Radley purse; he reads purse. Coupled with his thrifty approach, it's no wonder you aren't impressed.

You just need to communicate that you want the branded items. Ask for one thing, a very specific thing from a specific brand, walk him to the store, or send him a direct link. Or buy it yourself and ask him to wrap and give it to you. At least you'd get what you want.

Buy him what you want.

Yes you're ungrateful but it's clearly not working. Just stop buying each other gifts and buy your own gift. He will probably be relieved as it doesn't sound like he enjoys the process much either.

I didnt like the gifts DH used to buy me so we decided not to exchange gifts (Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, valentines etc. no gifts).

It’s better this way.

I’ll treat myself to something I want and we’ll book actives like the theatre or a festival instead.

It’s either this approach or give him a link to exactly what you want.

It is causing you stress and it leads to disappointment every single year. Why not just stop buying presents for each other. Spend the money you would have spent on him on yourself. He can do the same . If he is a good husband in many other ways then buying stuff is a negative amongst lots of otherwise positive aspects. My husband is not great with presents . For a few Christmasses I asked that we go out for the day, have a lovely lunch and shop together for a few things for me. He gave me a list of what he wanted
each year . I had tried giving him a list but it didn't go well .Now we don't exchange gifts and it's a lot less of a pain . We got married just after Christmas 18 years ago so we go away at this time of year and I mooch in the sales somewhere lovely whilst he buys himself lots of books . It's so much better than getting stuff that is sort of what I wanted but not really what I wanted .