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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the "do you want children" question is just as offensive to those already parents?

96 replies

m4rdybum · 29/12/2021 16:13

Obviously in this context, the question was "do you want anymore children.

So to explain: family Christmas gathering, with me, DH, DD (3) and then my in laws (DHs parents, brother & GF) and also DHs uncle & his family. Post dinner lull and everyone is chatting and relaxing.

Brother's GF is asked if she wanted children. Admirably, she told them that's none of their business (politely). Cut to DHs uncle turning to me and saying:

What about you? You've already got one, so you must be starting to think about another.

Now, I'm very firmly at the minute a 'one and done-er'. Pre-motherhood, I'd wanted two - but I've not been wowed by my maternal instinct, took a long time to bond with my DD, had a little bit of PND and a history of very bad family mental health problems which have put me off pushing it having another one. DH would like another in the future but is also very mindful to me and we've talked it through on our own.

Pretty much said that to the family (maybe not so politely as GF) and they looked at me like I was a monster. As if I was saying my DD was a mistake.

My DH shut the conversation down and it wasn't brought up again, but I just don't get why people have the audacity to ask. And I do not understand why it was a given that I'd want another one, solely because I'm already a parent?

AIBU? (Not sure what I'm looking to achieve - just a vent I think).

OP posts:

Somersetlady · 29/12/2021 19:00

[quote TinyLittlePandaSneeze]@Somersetlady I wish I felt brave enough to say something like this. Spells it out without being rude and gets them to think.

I am sorry for your losses [/quote]
@TinyLittlePandaSneeze thank you. If you have been through the same it does get easier with time. There is a lot of support on MN if you are struggling with losses.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 19:01

@Somersetlady Thank you, yes lots of support here.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/12/2021 19:04

Somersetlady sorry for your losses- I guess the point is a question is deemed obtrusive if it touches a nerve- the OP has chosen not to have any more children she should be resolved enough to say “we aren’t having anymore”- I have no problem saying I’m done because I’m done and I have no guilt or worry or upset over it.

BashfulClam · 29/12/2021 19:12

I will never have a child so when people ask ‘don’t you want children?’ YES ffs! I even had a colleague when I hit 30 saying ‘you better get a move on!’when are you having a baby?’ When a miracle happens!

seven201 · 29/12/2021 19:30

I think it's just a stupid question. If someone asks me I tell them "we've been trying for 4 years with lots of failed ivf rounds, two surgeries and two losses." Depending on my mood and who asks I actually quite like talking about it. I'd never dream of asking anyone else though (except for a very close friend, if I thought they'd want to discuss). I don't think there's anything wrong with your response.

Chicoryfairy · 29/12/2021 19:34

YANBU

I personally find these questions very painful because I would love another baby but my DH doesn’t, so it’s not happening. Also hate all the prejudiced comments about only children that are carelessly thrown into the conversation.

bonetiredwithtwins · 29/12/2021 19:36

@SoniaFouler

I’m not sure why people get offended over questions like these. They are just questions. You don’t have to answer them. If they continuously to probe and/or is rude about it then that’s different but it is just a simple conversational question.

Agree with this. It's just mindless conversation albeit it a bit more personal than how's the weather been lately

I do think however most older people do wonder why todays generation don't want children / are one and done though

lemonsorbetinthesun · 29/12/2021 19:41

I hate this question.
I’ve been asked on several occasions if I’ll have “another one”. Especially rude and infuriating when I was asked this following my DD2’s death at 3 days old. We hadn’t even had her funeral when lots of people asked.
People seem to think that babies are easy to produce and replaceable.

fr4zzledmum · 29/12/2021 19:54

@girlmom21

I actually don't think it's an issue if you know you're done or if you don't want children - as long as people accept "no we're not having any(more)" as an answer.

If you can't have children or struggle or have suffered losses it's shit.

Anyone who probes after that is a knobhead and deserves to be told as much.

I think the problem is more their reaction to my answer. As if me saying I simply don't want anymore children means that my love for my DD is low or I regret having her.

I've had it a couple of times and it grates!

Also had my MIL ask me if I was having another on my way out the hospital with DD in a car seat, no more than 12 hours old..

Pl242 · 29/12/2021 20:36

YANBU. There are very few good reasons for anyone to enquire about someone’s family planning and a score of good reasons not to.

Pl242 · 29/12/2021 20:38

At the risk of derailing the thread, the personal question that has bothered me the most was when my partner and I had got engaged and people incessantly asked me whether I was going to change my name or not. I found it infuriating.

Pl242 · 29/12/2021 20:41

I should add to my last post that in no way did my annoyance compare with the hurt people with fertility issues experience when asked about future children. But I found it so incredibly intrusive that so many people felt they had a right to comment on what I should or shouldn’t do about MY name.

LittleWins · 29/12/2021 20:41

YANBU - Your uterus, your business

I’ve had an older male colleague follow that question with ‘tick tock’ before. What a charmer.

RedCandyApple · 29/12/2021 20:43

People ask me this and I have 4 so it’s not just said to those with one

ParishSpinster · 29/12/2021 20:43

It's never a good conversation starter really, the question of if or how many children you will have.

My mum told me that my cousin was pregnant with her 2nd child (her first was younger than my eldest) and that there was "no pressure" but she (my mum) thought I should get on with having a second.

She didn't know we were TTC and had been for over year by that point. I ignored her, I did end up pregnant but it took another 4 months.

DontKeepTheFaith · 29/12/2021 20:47

I used to get asked all the time because I have 2 boys!

What people didn’t know was I had cervical cancer and my womb removed when ds2 was only 15 months old. It wasn’t something I shared readily but the constant queries of whether I’d have more or ‘try for a girl’ were upsetting and difficult for a few years.

Now I’m late 40’s and my dses are almost grown, no one ever asks anymore🤣🤷‍♀️

PlanktonsComputerWife · 29/12/2021 20:52

I get it a lot, as does my friend who is also apparently mother of an only child. They don't know I could not have a second child despite many years of trying, nor that my friend had a second, a girl, who died when she was a toddler.

It's really awful, but you learn to shrug it off.

almondcaramelcoconut · 29/12/2021 20:56

No-one should be asking. One of the benefits of getting older has been that people have stopped asking. I'm sure the people who used to ask didn't intend to be rude or intrusive, but it still made me uncomfortable and keen to avoid them and their nosiness. I would obviously have told them if I was pregnant or even that I was ttc, if I'd wanted them to know. I know people are curious, but they should learn patience and find other ways to make conversation!

WimpoleHat · 30/12/2021 13:25

You never know what people are going through regarding anything so should we just never ask each other questions?

We should always be careful when asking questions, especially if we are asking for our own benefit (rather than, say, to make someone feel at ease or included in a conversation, which tends to be a general “how about you, Bob?” thing anyway). There are certain topics which are universally agreed to be “personal”: sexual relationships, procreation, how much you earn being the most obvious examples of these. And you avoid these - even with people you know well. They’re the kinds of conversations you only have with someone if they instigate it.

greyinganddecaying · 30/12/2021 13:52

I have been guilty of asking these questions 15-20 years ago - I thought I was showing interest in their lives and would've been horrified to think I was being insensitive.
I only realised when friends had problems conceiving or lost babies. I then went on to have multiple miscarriages, so I appreciated it even more.

Some people should know better. Others are naive & don't realise the impact of their words. My response to the question is often dependent on who's asking.

MrsToothyBitch · 30/12/2021 14:01

I think it's rude to ask. You have no idea what people are going through. I don't think I look maternal as I rarely get asked- I'm grateful. I do want kids though.

My new stock answer is a very acid, sarky smile and "wait and see..."

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