To think the "do you want children" question is just as offensive to those already parents?

[m4rdybum]

Obviously in this context, the question was "do you want anymore children.

So to explain: family Christmas gathering, with me, DH, DD (3) and then my in laws (DHs parents, brother & GF) and also DHs uncle & his family. Post dinner lull and everyone is chatting and relaxing.

Brother's GF is asked if she wanted children. Admirably, she told them that's none of their business (politely). Cut to DHs uncle turning to me and saying:

What about you? You've already got one, so you must be starting to think about another.

Now, I'm very firmly at the minute a 'one and done-er'. Pre-motherhood, I'd wanted two - but I've not been wowed by my maternal instinct, took a long time to bond with my DD, had a little bit of PND and a history of very bad family mental health problems which have put me off pushing it having another one. DH would like another in the future but is also very mindful to me and we've talked it through on our own.

Pretty much said that to the family (maybe not so politely as GF) and they looked at me like I was a monster. As if I was saying my DD was a mistake.

My DH shut the conversation down and it wasn't brought up again, but I just don't get why people have the audacity to ask. And I do not understand why it was a given that I'd want another one, solely because I'm already a parent?

AIBU? (Not sure what I'm looking to achieve - just a vent I think).

@SoniaFouler

I’m not sure why people get offended over questions like these. They are just questions. You don’t have to answer them. If they continuously to probe and/or is rude about it then that’s different but it is just a simple conversational question.

Because it is presumptuous, puts someone in a really awkward position - it could very easily be a bone of contention between the couple - is potentially very upsetting if there are undisclosed fertility problems, and is absolutely none of anyone else’s business.

To be honest if anyone ever asked something like that of me they would pretty much be dead to me. I just can’t believe anyone would be that thick.

@ArblemarzipanTFruitcake

Not a question anyone should ask anyone in my opinion.

This.

Unbelievably rude.

If someone gets the head taken off them for asking personalquestions that are none of their business, serves them right.

@Thetwomutts

I get the question constantly from DH side.

"Your little one is two and a half now, you best be getting her a sibling so she has someone to play with" "when's the next one coming?" "Any sign of another?"

I lost two pregnancies since having my little girl and it takes immense strength to say "if it happens it happens" without bursting into tears or shouting at them to fuck right off

I do go home and cry afterwards - as if my heart isn't breaking enough over the losses and then they are asking about the next- we never told them and probably never will, they shouldn't be poking their noses in

Kindly, could you not just tell the truth, or a version of it? ‘Actually we are struggling a bit so I’d rather not talk about it if that’s ok’ or mention something to MIL so she can warn people off. Or get your DP to mention it to his mum.

Have you told anyone on your side of the family? Do you think that’s why they know not to ask?

Obviously don’t if you don’t want to but it’s might make your life a bit easier and people go a bit gentler on you.

Well aren’t all questions intrusive and rude then- I don’t see it as bad, if someone says to be “do you want any more children” my answer is hell no! If someone asks me if I’m seeing my parents tor Xmas I say no they are dead, if someone asks my why I didn’t take longer Mat leave with my first I say because I couldn’t afford it. Like I said in this instance it’s a choice, standby your choice- who honestly cares.

People with more than two functioning brain cells normally understand it's an extremely intrusive question to ask ANYBODY.
However some weirdos seem to entertain the delusion it's sensible small talk. For some reasons, most of these weirdos tend to be older people. So I guess it's a generational thing. But also a cultural thing, since younger people sometimes also do it (i.e. the quesion is still considered acceptable in some backwards social circles)

I'd put it in the same bag as old-fashioned casual racism (another embarrassing "family gathering" classic)

I hate this line of questioning. It's intrusive and rude. I always used to reply with the truth that I didn't know if I'd be giving DS a sibling because having him was after fertility treatment, years of trying and an early loss. Then I would sit back and watch people fluster and panic telling me that they had no idea and hadn't meant to intrude. If you're going to ask such stupid questions be prepared for a response that makes you feel awkward.

I've had DS2 now and am regularly asked if we're going for a 3rd to get a girl. Like he's somehow inferior by being the second boy. I'm over the moon to have two boys and it's what I would have chosen. That normally shuts them up.

I get this all the time.
I have 3 children (same sex), people expect me to ‘try again’.
It’s so rude!

I had the best part of a decade of the question before having DD, then it was barely 6 months before they started asking about siblings. You’d think having taken a long time to have our first child might have been a clue, but apparently not. It’s not a question that hurts as much as it did before but I do really wish they’d all shut the fuck up.

I would just turn round and say it’s none of your business and walk away

Questions like this are hurtful (though this is not the intention of the asker) if things are either undecided or you are unable to conceive / have had losses. I think it's best to prepare an answer you are happy with and try to remember they're not usually intended as upsetting..

I went through infertility/ treatments etc for years and got all the unwanted questions, along with the ridiculous reassurances and unhelpful platitudes. One of the most hurtful actually was someone asking me 'Don't you want children' after I'd been married several years.

In the end I chose between either disclosing a certain amount if I felt like talking, or saying that I didn't wish to talk about it if I didn't. You can't necessarily stop the questions.

They stop hurting once you reach a resolution, whatever that might be.

I actually don't think it's an issue if you know you're done or if you don't want children - as long as people accept "no we're not having any(more)" as an answer.

If you can't have children or struggle or have suffered losses it's shit.

Anyone who probes after that is a knobhead and deserves to be told as much.

Oh it never ends. I had the audacity to have 3 boys. Only want 3, not having more. Constantly being asked when I'm having a girl because parents "want a granddaughter". My youngest is a newborn!

I’m not sure why people get offended over questions like these. They are just questions

To echo others - the problem is that they’re personal questions. That someone may not want to answer. See also:

Why aren’t you married?
Why don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Why have/haven’t you lost weight?
Why haven’t you bought a house?

There are some things which you just shouldn’t ask, no matter how well you know someone. Very different from a purely factual “Do you have children/are you married etc?”. But if the answer is “no”, then you change the subject and don’t pry .

I just say something like "that's for us to know and you to guess haha" and move on to something else entirely.

Yes I have found it still happens even after two children, the question of whether I'm having more doesnt bother me in itself personally but I've found that as I have two of the same sex it often takes an offensive tone. I've had things along the lines of "you'll be trying for a boy next" "you need to try for a third to see if you can make your husband a boy". It's almost as if they are suggesting that my husband and I should be disappointed in our second little girl as she wasn't born with a penis - as if I would value her any less for being my second girl!

I've also seen this from the point of view of those suffering with infertility, I have several friends who have been successful, unsuccessful or still trying for their first or a sibling and this question is such a trigger for them.

I definitely agree with some of the comments here. Obviously no one ever knows anyone's situation unless they've been told but most people are just making conversation, even family members. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying something like 'aw do you want anymore/would you have anymore?' I think that's just a general question and there's no harm behind it.

It's when there's questions like 'why haven't you had a second/third/fourth?' 'why haven't you guys had another yet, the clock is ticking' and those sort of inappropriate, intrusive questions. I think there's nothing wrong with the first question

I can't have anymore children but i've never been offended when anyone asks if i want more.
Only on mumsnet do people go out their way to find offence in everything

@SoniaFouler didn't you get the memo? People aren't allowed to ask questions anymore! 😂 everything is considered offensive now 🤦‍♀️🤣

Kindly, could you not just tell the truth, or a version of it? ‘Actually we are struggling a bit so I’d rather not talk about it if that’s ok’ or mention something to MIL so she can warn people off. Or get your DP to mention it to his mum.

Have you told anyone on your side of the family? Do you think that’s why they know not to ask?

Obviously don’t if you don’t want to but it’s might make your life a bit easier and people go a bit gentler on you.

@Holly60 I know you meant this kindly, and it may work in small close knit families, but it misses the mark a bit for my situation. It's not my DHs aunts and uncles business. I shouldn't have to tell them what's been going on with my womb

MIL and FIL know, and no they won't be telling anyone - I am close to them, they knew because we wanted them too and they were aware of both pregnancies for a number of weeks before I miscarried

As for my side of the family - they don't ask because we live in different countries - my mum knows

We are both part of large families - to stop the comments would mean 24 people at minimum knowing we were struggling, DHs grandmother has 12 living children. Given mine and his brothers and sisters don't even know I'm not prepared for the conversation with people I see every 6 weeks or so, especially when they all like to make things public business and we live in a very small insular community

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying something like 'aw do you want anymore/would you have anymore?' I think that's just a general question and there's no harm behind it.

Depends. Wouldn’t be any harm if you asked me. If you asked my friend, who is still desperately unhappy about only being able to have one child, you’d upset her a lot with that question. That’s why it’s better not asked, even if the intention behind it is well meant.

I’m a single parent of one and two separate people have suggested to me that if I want another baby to pretend to get back with my ex. Both of those people were barely acquaintances of mine! (And not to mention the idea of shagging my ex is 🤢)

People will just say whatever shit comes into their head.

"I'’m not sure why people get offended over questions like these. They are just questions. You don’t have to answer them. If they continuously to probe and/or is rude about it then that’s different but it is just a simple conversational question."

Considering the last person he asked told him it was none of his business, it shows an amazing lack of sensitivity just to turn to the next woman in line and plough on with this line of questioning surely? That is continuing to probe surely. And not just uncomfortable for the OP - but might well be uncomfortable for the first person he asked to who just made it clear this was a subject she didn't want to be discussing. It might not be a rude question if you are very close. But to ask this sort of thing casually, of someone you aren't that close to, in front of lots of other people - well it seems to me it's a no-brainer it's insensitive. If someone is suffering problems like some people on here have described- it's awful to make them have to rake that over or cover it over in front of you. If someone doesn't want kids or more kids - you shouldn't be asking it in this assuming way as though this is assumed that they should.

I like the way you shocked him by actually answering the question straight OP! if they don't want an honest answer they shouldn't ask. To ask this in a chitchatty way of women is a sort of slight pressure isn't it? The expectation that naturally you should be having another and not just one. Or that you should have them at all. People will say it's just conversation, but maybe when they've already been made clear this is intrusive - they shouldn't blithely carry on.

FWIW I find that being very confident and breezey about choices tends to stop people going on. But it's easy to say that - some people are not certain and don't want to talk in that kind of situation. Others it may not be a choice. Whatever - I dislike that this question is thrown at women of a certain age all the time. But people don't tend to ask blokes all the time. The questioning is mainly harmless in intent I'm sure. But people should maybe think more before turning such a big life decision into idle chitchat.

But most questions are intrusive, that’s sort of what questions are?

How’s work going?
Are you well?
How have things been through Covid?
Have you been seeing much of your parents?
Hows your sister?
Is his chemo going well?
How’s he enjoying school?
Did you get anything good for Christmas?
Any nice holidays planned?
Are you married?
Have you been vegan long?
Did you get the promotion?
Are you looking to buy?

For various people all these could be highly triggering

When I was asked and said I didn't want a second child, I was told that "that's selfish - your poor dd being deprived of a sibling.... it's not a proper family unless you have at least 2"...

One thing is the intrusiveness.... another is the in built default assumption that having more is a good thing!

Grrrr

@WimpoleHat

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying something like 'aw do you want anymore/would you have anymore?' I think that's just a general question and there's no harm behind it.

Depends. Wouldn’t be any harm if you asked me. If you asked my friend, who is still desperately unhappy about only being able to have one child, you’d upset her a lot with that question. That’s why it’s better not asked, even if the intention behind it is well meant.

@WimpoleHat but then where do you draw the line? You can ask someone (a friend, family member, work colleague) 'what did you have to eat today?' not knowing they have a eating disorder and haven't eaten anything all day.

You never know what people are going through regarding anything so should we just never ask each other questions?