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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the "do you want children" question is just as offensive to those already parents?

96 replies

m4rdybum · 29/12/2021 16:13

Obviously in this context, the question was "do you want anymore children.

So to explain: family Christmas gathering, with me, DH, DD (3) and then my in laws (DHs parents, brother & GF) and also DHs uncle & his family. Post dinner lull and everyone is chatting and relaxing.

Brother's GF is asked if she wanted children. Admirably, she told them that's none of their business (politely). Cut to DHs uncle turning to me and saying:

What about you? You've already got one, so you must be starting to think about another.

Now, I'm very firmly at the minute a 'one and done-er'. Pre-motherhood, I'd wanted two - but I've not been wowed by my maternal instinct, took a long time to bond with my DD, had a little bit of PND and a history of very bad family mental health problems which have put me off pushing it having another one. DH would like another in the future but is also very mindful to me and we've talked it through on our own.

Pretty much said that to the family (maybe not so politely as GF) and they looked at me like I was a monster. As if I was saying my DD was a mistake.

My DH shut the conversation down and it wasn't brought up again, but I just don't get why people have the audacity to ask. And I do not understand why it was a given that I'd want another one, solely because I'm already a parent?

AIBU? (Not sure what I'm looking to achieve - just a vent I think).

OP posts:
Thetwomutts · 29/12/2021 16:23

I get the question constantly from DH side.

"Your little one is two and a half now, you best be getting her a sibling so she has someone to play with" "when's the next one coming?" "Any sign of another?"

I lost two pregnancies since having my little girl and it takes immense strength to say "if it happens it happens" without bursting into tears or shouting at them to fuck right off

I do go home and cry afterwards - as if my heart isn't breaking enough over the losses and then they are asking about the next- we never told them and probably never will, they shouldn't be poking their noses in

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 16:26

Tell them it's not really on to ask this as they have no idea who they will hurt by asking

Kite22 · 29/12/2021 16:29

I think your mistake was giving all that information to someone just chatting idly after dinner.

You should really have just said something non-committal, from 'We'll let you know if it happens' to a rather rude 'none of your business' or 'are you really asking us about our sex life in front of everyone?', or maybe just "It's not something we discuss with other people"

SoniaFouler · 29/12/2021 16:34

I’m not sure why people get offended over questions like these. They are just questions. You don’t have to answer them. If they continuously to probe and/or is rude about it then that’s different but it is just a simple conversational question.

baffledcoconut · 29/12/2021 16:36

@Thetwomutts I just told them to fuck off. If they ask such a rude question they can expect a rude answer.

TitoMojito · 29/12/2021 16:38

@SoniaFouler

I’m not sure why people get offended over questions like these. They are just questions. You don’t have to answer them. If they continuously to probe and/or is rude about it then that’s different but it is just a simple conversational question.
Because it IS rude and intrusive. As PP says above, some people aren't not having children by choice. It's upsetting for them to be asked why they haven't had kids when they have been trying and their body is not cooperating. Also people who don't want kids just feel incredibly judged since most people seem to think it's absolutely disgraceful if you don't have any children Hmm
louloulemmonnnn · 29/12/2021 16:38

I hate it.
I'm 35 and have endometriosis so not sure if it will happen
I've been told that it shouldn't affect my fertility as it's only the first stage but obviously I still hate the question

VladmirsPoutine · 29/12/2021 16:42

In the kindest way YABU. I understand that you've been through the wringer somewhat but to most people these are just conversational questions that ultimately no-one but you and your partner really give a shit about. I know it being mumsnet there are loads of threads in which if relatives (usually MILs) were given half the chance they'd have you legs akimbo with a torch shining into your vag. But no-one's that interested in other people.

HumunaHey · 29/12/2021 16:43

I don't get offended by the question but find it so very annoying. When DH and I had no kids, we'd be asked when we were going to have kids, then we had DS so was then asked when we'd have another. Now we have 2 DS and we're constantly asked if we'll have anymore to 'try for a girl' as if my DC are inadequate.

I know it's idle chat but when you're constantly asked a somewhat personal question and you're on the spot in front of everyone, it does tend to irk.

Poptart4 · 29/12/2021 16:44

YABU to give all that detail. You should have just said we haven't decided yet and changed the subject.

Most people ask these questions when they're trying to make conversation. No one actually cares how many children anyone has. Your family members aren't lying awake at night worrying about it.

I understand this can be triggering for people who are struggling with infertility. But for the vast majority of people it's a harmless question that can be easily glossed over.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/12/2021 16:48

I don’t get why it stresses you tbh- I get with the infertility it touches an understandable nerve but this is a choice- just say we’ve chosen to stick at one

ChimChimeny · 29/12/2021 16:49

DD is 10 & I've been asked twice recently if we'll have any more, I just laughed! But if I had secondary infertility & had desperately wanted a second it would have really stung.

You should never ask because you don't know what someone is going through.

ChimChimeny · 29/12/2021 16:50

FIL asked regularly for two YEARS when we'd have another, he just wouldn't get the hint

spotcheck · 29/12/2021 16:58

Well, I'm much older than you ( most likely).
While I would never ask the question anymore, there has been a tide change over the last few years. It ( rightly) is generally understood that it is too personal.

However. .. it was your uncle. He didn't take the hint with your brother's gf. He was impolite. If he was asking you 1:1, then by all means give it to him with both barrels, but no need to do so in the middle of a family meal.

I bet when he was asking such personal questions, people were silently cursing him.

RandomLondoner · 29/12/2021 16:58

I find lots of people are as rude as the uncle. A variety of people I've met have had the audacity to ask me "How are you?" I mean, I'm perfectly fine, but for all they know, I could recently have had a very upsetting diagnosis, and would be very triggered by the subject of my health being brought up.

CounsellorTroi · 29/12/2021 17:02

I understand this can be triggering for people who are struggling with infertility. But for the vast majority of people it's a harmless question that can be easily glossed over.

Not just people struggling with infertility, also single people feeling that time is running out, people who are in a relationship with someone who already has children and doesn’t want any more, people who were not in the right relationship at the right time. There are more ways of being childless than “can’t have” and “didn’t want”.

Phrenologistsfinger · 29/12/2021 17:02

I’ve lost ten pregnancies (early) in the last 18 months and our first round of IVF failed ie only produced one little mutant embryo. If anyone dares to ask me such a stupid invasive question, they will get it with both barrels. Hmm

BrightYellowDaffodil · 29/12/2021 17:10

You should never ask because you don't know what someone is going through.

Quite. You don’t know if the person doesn’t want children and is fed up of being asked about it, or if they’ve just had a miscarriage they don’t want to talk about, or they’re actually pregnant but don’t want to tell anyone yet, or coming to the realisation that it’s not happening for them, or yet another round of IVF has failed, or…

For those who say “Well, it’s just a polite question”, it’s never just a question because people feel entitled to comment on the reply. “Oh you’ll regret it if you don’t!/Won’t Timmy be lonely if he doesn’t get a sibling?/Just relax about it, my friend Beryl was trying for years and now she’s got seven! Hmm

If you want to make polite conversation, ask about the fucking weather or if they’ve been on holiday this year.

MintyGreenDream · 29/12/2021 17:13

I had this from when ds was around 2.Noone asks anymore as I'm now 41 and ds is nearly 8 but it was very annoying at the time.

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 29/12/2021 17:13

Not a question anyone should ask anyone in my opinion.

LawnFever · 29/12/2021 17:13

@SoniaFouler

I’m not sure why people get offended over questions like these. They are just questions. You don’t have to answer them. If they continuously to probe and/or is rude about it then that’s different but it is just a simple conversational question.
Because it’s incredibly personal to be put on the spot on this, if someone is asking they’re obviously not close enough to the person to know any real reasons behind it, and also - it only ever gets asked of women.

I’m honestly surprised you don’t see how intrusive & rude a question it is Sad

LawnFever · 29/12/2021 17:16

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I don’t get why it stresses you tbh- I get with the infertility it touches an understandable nerve but this is a choice- just say we’ve chosen to stick at one
When someone’s asking they have no idea of the reasons though, what if the OP was struggling with infertility but made something up, that wouldn’t make it ok.
PamelaDoov · 29/12/2021 17:17

It’s so bloody rude. I have to watch my lovely SIL go through this at every single family gathering. She doesn’t want kids. But is constantly getting asked about it. In fact, some ruder family members don’t even have the courtesy to ask it as a question. They just state it at her ‘you’ll be having kids one day then’ or ‘you’ll be next!’ whenever someone else in the family gets pregnant/has a baby. She has the patience of a saint, I’d have told them to fuck off by now.
When I had DS I did get constantly asked if I wanted more. And I do, so I say yes. I work with a woman who has one child, and if anyone asks her about having more kids she confidently says no thanks!
You don’t owe anyone an explanation.

user14943608381 · 29/12/2021 17:19

@CounsellorTroi

I understand this can be triggering for people who are struggling with infertility. But for the vast majority of people it's a harmless question that can be easily glossed over.

Not just people struggling with infertility, also single people feeling that time is running out, people who are in a relationship with someone who already has children and doesn’t want any more, people who were not in the right relationship at the right time. There are more ways of being childless than “can’t have” and “didn’t want”.

This! And people who have suffered from birth trauma, post natal mental illness, people who would have on paper wanted a big family but found having a child harder than they would have thought or who are struggling financially or people who have repeated losses. Basically it’s super insensitive and thoughtless.

It’s also really annoying, I’ve just had my second and I’m already being asked when I’ll have a third and people are oddly triggered when I say I don’t want more than 2 so it leads to more questions. The world and his wife seem to have opinions on womens fertility

LawnFever · 29/12/2021 17:23

@CounsellorTroi

I understand this can be triggering for people who are struggling with infertility. But for the vast majority of people it's a harmless question that can be easily glossed over.

Not just people struggling with infertility, also single people feeling that time is running out, people who are in a relationship with someone who already has children and doesn’t want any more, people who were not in the right relationship at the right time. There are more ways of being childless than “can’t have” and “didn’t want”.

Yes! In the same league as the ‘have you got a boyfriend yet’ to single people.

I had this for years off irritating relatives when they could’ve made conversation about countless other more interesting things.