To think the "do you want children" question is just as offensive to those already parents?

[m4rdybum]

Obviously in this context, the question was "do you want anymore children.

So to explain: family Christmas gathering, with me, DH, DD (3) and then my in laws (DHs parents, brother & GF) and also DHs uncle & his family. Post dinner lull and everyone is chatting and relaxing.

Brother's GF is asked if she wanted children. Admirably, she told them that's none of their business (politely). Cut to DHs uncle turning to me and saying:

What about you? You've already got one, so you must be starting to think about another.

Now, I'm very firmly at the minute a 'one and done-er'. Pre-motherhood, I'd wanted two - but I've not been wowed by my maternal instinct, took a long time to bond with my DD, had a little bit of PND and a history of very bad family mental health problems which have put me off pushing it having another one. DH would like another in the future but is also very mindful to me and we've talked it through on our own.

Pretty much said that to the family (maybe not so politely as GF) and they looked at me like I was a monster. As if I was saying my DD was a mistake.

My DH shut the conversation down and it wasn't brought up again, but I just don't get why people have the audacity to ask. And I do not understand why it was a given that I'd want another one, solely because I'm already a parent?

AIBU? (Not sure what I'm looking to achieve - just a vent I think).

I've got a 3.5 year old and once he turned 2 I started to get the 'are you having another one' comments.

We have had another one (he's 2 weeks old) and already people have asked if we are having any more - purely because I have 2 boys, people are assuming I'm going to 'try and get the girl'.

It's just so intrusive and unnecessary questioning.

A friend of mine suffered from secondary infertility and the constant 'when are you having more' really broke her.

My daughter was born with a fairly deadly congenital thing. I used to answer this with any variation of "I don't make healthy babies" and be as awkward as I could make things 🤷‍♀️😂 I split up with my husband (her dad) and still people assumed they knew what I wanted reproductively. I like to make other people feel as awkward as they make me so I'm not about to smile and nod.

Now that really is rude. In my mind, the only acceptable question is 'Do you have any DC'. That's fine, that's just an ice-breaker really. Anything beyond that simply isn't on.

'Why don't you have them/want them?' is rude for two reasons. Firstly, it could really upset someone who is/was unable to have them. Secondly, you are asking the childless/free to explain themselves. Like you think it's strange that they are unchilded.

'Are you having any more?' If you can't see how that is rude then God help you! For all you know, that person would dearly love another but cannot have one.

'Don't you want to try for a girl/boy?' implies that the DC you do have are not enough on account of their sex. A dreadful idea to perpetuate.

I’m the same OP.
I find the asker always looks awkward if I answer honestly, however politely.
We’re happy as a family of three, and don’t feel the need/urge to have anymore.

When DD was 2 , MIL stated at the Christmas dinner table with other family present, that she was hoping to get another gc from us in the coming year, and she wanted it to be a boy. As it happened we were planning on ttc fairly soon after that. Later the next year, there was a big family party a few weeks before I was due, MIL and probably 4 or 5 other relatives kept saying how lovely it would be if it was a boy (as if a girl would somehow be a disappointment) At that point PIL had equal number of boy and girl gc so it wasn't as if she'd got 6 grand daughters and wanted a grandson (nor that I could have done anything about it anyway!)

It does seem to be a total minefield to be opening up this type of conversation when you have NO IDEA what people may or may not be going through.

It's pretty lazy smalltalk and just part of a bigger issue where we are at the mercy of a whole array of societal assumptions that mean anyone not doing 2.4 children is a bit of a spectacle. Women are essentially appraised as reproductive vessels. Does everyone a disservice, starts at birth in many cases as boys and girls get conditioned differently but just carries on through your life, plenty of threads about #everydaysexism on here.

We've come a long way since say the 60s when living in sin was frowned upon and homosexuality was illegal but still SO far to go. Many women don't even realise they are being influenced in this way.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I'd simply see it as a conversation starter. Same for any subject really. If I don't want to answer it, for whatever reason, I'll say so and move the conversation on.

So, I suppose the answer to your question is that people react differently and how would you know without asking the question?

Is someone knew there was a sensitive topic and persisted, that's another matter altogether.

@Flowers500

But most questions are intrusive, that’s sort of what questions are?

How’s work going?
Are you well?
How have things been through Covid?
Have you been seeing much of your parents?
Hows your sister?
Is his chemo going well?
How’s he enjoying school?
Did you get anything good for Christmas?
Any nice holidays planned?
Are you married?
Have you been vegan long?
Did you get the promotion?
Are you looking to buy?

For various people all these could be highly triggering

These questions are nothing like this.

Apart from the chemo question and I have literally never come across anyone using chemo as smalltalk the difference is that all of these questions can be closed down neutrally, politely and without triggering yourself or exposing yourself to other people's judgement.

I also think questions about someone's fertility and family planning are inherently always quite misogynist. There's always an underlying expectation that everyone woman should yearn for as many children as possible, that every marriage is a countdown to conception and that failure to conceive is a sign of problems. It contains so many lazy and backwards assumptions about people.

And frankly if you were actually surprised someone had been married x years and not conceived and thought something might be up, why the fuck would you put them through the public humiliation of asking them in front of Great Uncle Fred and Great Aunt Rose.

I'm in my late twenties now, and have had more and more people asking me this question over the last year or two. I know that they mean well and are just making small talk but it does irritate me.

I do want children. I always imagined that I would have had at least one child before now. The reason for this being that I am single. I have been single my entire adult life apart from a few brief relationships. I do feel a pang of longing when people ask me if I want them because I do want them, I wish that I already had them. And part of me worries that I'll maybe never find the right man and have a family, or maybe I'll be unable to have them.

It is a well meaning question, but I wish that people didn't ask it.

@SoniaFouler

I’m not sure why people get offended over questions like these. They are just questions. You don’t have to answer them. If they continuously to probe and/or is rude about it then that’s different but it is just a simple conversational question.

Because it's personal and I don't know about anyone else on here but I was under the impression that it's rude to ask somebody personal questions about their private life.

@SoniaFouler

I’m not sure why people get offended over questions like these. They are just questions. You don’t have to answer them. If they continuously to probe and/or is rude about it then that’s different but it is just a simple conversational question.

It's private It's intrusive It can be distressing

I would just say
“Wow, that’s a rather intrusive question!”
And leave a long enough silence for them to feel really awkward.
Then say, “Shall we change the subject?” And move in to something neutral.
Hopefully makes the point they are being rude without having a scene.

I’ve never found it offensive, it’s just something people make conversation about (especially grandparents/potential grandparents).

When I had secondary infertility I just used to say ‘I hope so, we’d like another’ (that shuts the conversation down unless they’re very close to you). Now DS is 6 people have stopped asking and seem shocked when I reveal I’m pregnant again (I’m 36 so maybe 35 is a cut off point for asking?)

I’m 60 with no kids and was often asked but I just said it wasn’t for me.
People were just interested. I never saw any reason to be offended.

We were at a friend's birthday a few months ago. She has recently had a second baby. Her MIL asked us if we were "going to try for a boy"

We have a DD3. We just said no, one and done. I think ppl don't realise that it's none of their business. Not sure how you "try for a boy" though

When you've been dating a while it's "when are you getting engaged" and then once engaged "when are you getting married and then "when are you going to have a baby". One long line of nosey questions from ppl you barely even know

Bore off

I think its a reasonable question as long as its open ended.

Are you planning on having another one or do you think you will stick with one?

Is different to making comments about it being time to have a brother or sister and not being direct about it.

I was asked it all the time. I never had any intention in having a second so I was just direct back.

Its not that hard to say yes or no or maybe.

Its a fair enough question imo as long as its not laced with expectation or judgement.

This used to bug me now I just say:

“I’ve been pregnant 7 times and we feel so lucky to have the two boys!”

This normally stops the conversation dead and hopefully makes them think before they ask the next person.

However my youngest is now 5 and it is only in the last few years since having my tubes tied on medical advice that I have made peace with it and am confident enough to say it as it is.

@Somersetlady I wish I felt brave enough to say something like this. Spells it out without being rude and gets them to think.

I am sorry for your losses

@playingdevilsavocado

I would just say “Wow, that’s a rather intrusive question!” And leave a long enough silence for them to feel really awkward. Then say, “Shall we change the subject?” And move in to something neutral. Hopefully makes the point they are being rude without having a scene.

Then I’d say “well I’m very sorry distressing you,” but actually think “she’s a fucking barrel of laughs, rude,” and no there wouldn’t be any further conversation

YANBU. I hate this! It happens to me a lot. DD has just turned 4.
But it probably stings a little as I terminated when DD was 18 months due to having post natal psychosis and lingering PND plus my relationship has never recovered and I'm not hugely maternal. Those who know me well don't say anything. Weirdly I get it from colleagues and strangers the most 🙄

Incidentally I went to my mum's the other day and she said 'Oh have you decided to give it another try then' and gestured towards my stomach.
I explained to her I wasn't pregnant, I'd just had a huge indian meal the night before! 😳🤣
I don't know why people can't keep this stuff go themselves. It's best not to ask or say unless you're sure.

@traka

We were at a friend's birthday a few months ago. She has recently had a second baby. Her MIL asked us if we were "going to try for a boy"

We have a DD3. We just said no, one and done. I think ppl don't realise that it's none of their business. Not sure how you "try for a boy" though

When you've been dating a while it's "when are you getting engaged" and then once engaged "when are you getting married and then "when are you going to have a baby". One long line of nosey questions from ppl you barely even know

Bore off

Everything you describe is basic conversation. They don’t give a fuck when you’re getting married, they’re giving you a chance to talk about something you’re likely to be interested in. But they should just stand in silence or rant on about what interests them…

Apart from the chemo question and I have literally never come across anyone using chemo as smalltalk the difference is that all of these questions can be closed down neutrally, politely and without triggering yourself or exposing yourself to other people's judgement.

Absolutely - and also, none of them relate to a person’s future plans for their reproductive organs.

Anyone who finds it difficult to make small talk without enquiring what people intend to do with their genitals needs to work on their social skills.

I think asking once is just making conversation. I think asking persistently or casting opinions on your response is rude.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Well aren’t all questions intrusive and rude then- I don’t see it as bad, if someone says to be “do you want any more children” my answer is hell no! If someone asks me if I’m seeing my parents tor Xmas I say no they are dead, if someone asks my why I didn’t take longer Mat leave with my first I say because I couldn’t afford it. Like I said in this instance it’s a choice, standby your choice- who honestly cares.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers in my case it wasn’t a choice. We lost 5 pregnancies upto 19 weeks.

I really wasn’t able to cope with the question in the early days!

I really used to hate this, in many situations! When we first got married and didn't want children straight away, it felt like we were justifying why. Then after a while people actually asked if we couldn't have kids (we didnt know, we hadnt tried yet!). Had DS, then before DD arrived we had 5 miscarriages including one at 12 weeks all while not wanting to tell anyone, yet the amount of people asking when second one was coming and guessing if we were pregnant. It was awful and so intrusive.