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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex DBiL attitude to food - is this acceptable?

94 replies

6079SmithW · 29/12/2021 15:05

Disclaimer: I have posted about this before (when I thought it was a one off) but now it has happened again I don't know if I should do something?

ExDH took DC to DBiL for Christmas. We have two DD primary school age but think upper years. When the girls got back they told me this happened (I asked ExDH and he confirmed it).

I bought all the Christmas presents, and included in the girls' stockings a box each of trashy American breakfast cereal that they always ask for but are never allowed to eat usually. When the girls opened them DBiL wrote 'BAD' and 'Unhealthy' on the boxes and lectured them about the amount of sugar etc.

DBiL has form for this kind of behaviour. On a previous visit he made them do star jumps before they were allowed a piece of birthday cake. He only seems to do it where the girls are concerned (he didn't make the adults do star jumps or go around writing 'bad' on the adults chocolates or booze for example).

ExDH seems to think his brother's behaviour is totally acceptable and refuses to do anything about it. AIBU to worry that this is fat shaming and could lead to body issues/eating disorders?

FWIW I am overweight so I believe that's why DBiL behaves like this, but having struggled with weight my entire life, no one wants the girls to not become overweight more than me.

OP posts:
LJAKS · 29/12/2021 15:08

That's absolutely mental and in no way acceptable. Although if you're separated and ExH thinks it's fine I'm not sure what you do about it. Confused

alicewasahorse · 29/12/2021 15:09

He sounds disgusting. I hope he doesn't have kids of his own that he can damage.
Star jumps before eating cake?! What a bullying twat he sounds.

I'd try and give your kids some coping skills for then they are around him if you're not able to stop your ex having him in their lives.

Funnylittlefloozie · 29/12/2021 15:11

I would just tell your girls that Uncle Foodissues is a bit bonkers in the brain, and while they do have to be polite to him, they don't have to take anything he says seriously.

HermioneWeasley · 29/12/2021 15:15

That’s appalling. I’d tell them not to listen to their bonkers uncle and tell their father they don’t want to see him. It’s borderline abusive

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 29/12/2021 15:16

Yep, that! UncleFoodPolice has some odd ideas about food and Daddy is trying to be polite. It's fine to laugh at his silliness on the way home!

Gregsprinkles · 29/12/2021 15:16

I'm not sure I'd be saying they have to be polite to him, why should they? He's been incredibly rude and bullying to them.

MichelleScarn · 29/12/2021 15:18

On a previous visit he made them do star jumps before they were allowed a piece of birthday cake. He only seems to do it where the girls are concerned (he didn't make the adults do star jumps or go around writing 'bad' on the adults chocolates or booze for example).
Creepy that, does he make them do these in front of him?

Iloveacurry · 29/12/2021 15:21

Next time your kids go there, and if he does that again, tell them to write ‘bad’ and ‘alcoholic’ on the wine bottle labels. Only joking of course. Not.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 29/12/2021 15:23

@Gregsprinkles

I'm not sure I'd be saying they have to be polite to him, why should they? He's been incredibly rude and bullying to them.
OK. But they are young and their dad is leading in this.

Start with something that they can do without publicly going against their Dad.

Concestor · 29/12/2021 15:24

He is, and I'll tone my language down a little here, fucking mental.
I'd talk to your daughters and explain he has an unhealthy attitude to food and they should ignore him. Just counteract his insanity every time and hopefully they will internally laugh at him. And tell them to refuse to do the exercises! And to call you if he insists and you'll talk to him.
Honestly he is a total nutcase

andysgirl22 · 29/12/2021 15:27

Tbh op i think that's abusive. I'm kind of shocked your exdh didn't stop him? Or if it was already done then why didn't he make a point of for example writing silly on a post it note and sit king it onto his brother?!! Sorry i just don't know what to suggest its not even that it's an unreasonable attitude towards food its a mean, power trip bullying thing to do. Who the hell does he think he is to comment on your daughters Christmas presents and try to restrict access to them? BecUse that is what he is trying to do here, if it was a doll or toy or something that he tried to say they couldn't play with people would go mad at him surely ?! Anyway I'm sorry they went through this op and I'm glad they are back with you now x

Bellringer · 29/12/2021 15:31

Let them make their own Xmas. Give your presents early or late at your house. Wankers

RandomLondoner · 29/12/2021 15:35

The way I am picturing the scene, he's educating children about junk food in a comical way. I am picturing the star jumps as a joky interaction, not a bullying or creepy one. I think uncles should be allowed to express views like this, they're part of the village that's raising your children.

As for him only being like this with the children, in my mind the alternative is that he's also like this with adults, which would be wrong, because they are theoretically his peers, and it would be insulting of him to attempt to educate them, let alone try to boss them around.

RandomLondoner · 29/12/2021 15:37

I don't agree that it's fat-shaming and unacceptable to point out that junk food is junk food.

AffableApple · 29/12/2021 15:37

@MichelleScarn

On a previous visit he made them do star jumps before they were allowed a piece of birthday cake. He only seems to do it where the girls are concerned (he didn't make the adults do star jumps or go around writing 'bad' on the adults chocolates or booze for example). Creepy that, does he make them do these in front of him?
I was thinking the same thing myself Confused
Gingernaut · 29/12/2021 15:40

He's fucking mental, sexist beyond measure and, if he's not some sort of toned Adonis himself, a complete hypocrite.

Your DH is enabling this twat by not calling this behaviour out as well.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 29/12/2021 15:41

@RandomLondoner

I don't agree that it's fat-shaming and unacceptable to point out that junk food is junk food.
Go back and read OP again, maybe!?
BeLessMe · 29/12/2021 15:42

I hate to say it but that cereal is awful. The ex BIL didn’t say they were fattening, so not exactly fat shaming, he said they were unhealthy and full of sugar and he’s not wrong.
DS wanted some and the amount of sugar and colourings in lucky charms was incredible. He didn’t get any.

Still, it is a very OTT thing to do to his DN’s cereal & their DF is a idiot for not stepping in.

LeaningJade · 29/12/2021 15:47

This kind of thing can be super damaging to girls that age. How fucking dare he treat his nieces that way. Doubt he’d treat young boys that way either the misogynistic creepy fucker.

If you can’t stop them from seeing him at all then I’d make sure they know that Uncle Batshit is mentally unstable, has weird issues and shouldn’t be listened to.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/12/2021 15:49

Teach your children some stock phrases to respond with such as "Keep your fucking cake you weirdo" or "you really should see someone about your food issues as everyone here thinks you are unhinged"

Obviously, not, but as pp said not sure what you can do if their dad is ok with it other than explain to your kids food is about balance and while predominantly eating healthily is important, there is nothing wrong with an occasional treat and being extreme and demonising all treat food all the time, especially at Christmas is an issue BIL has that is not normal, isn't nice to inflict on others, and they have the choice to play along or just walk away from him (and eat extra cake at home instead!!).

TheWeeDonkey · 29/12/2021 15:54

Yeah, this is how eating disorders start.

Riverlee · 29/12/2021 15:55

@Funnylittlefloozie

I would just tell your girls that Uncle Foodissues is a bit bonkers in the brain, and while they do have to be polite to him, they don't have to take anything he says seriously.
Good approach, especially if you don’t see him often.
Coyoacan · 29/12/2021 15:56

I don't agree that it's fat-shaming and unacceptable to point out that junk food is junk food

This!

The problem with junk food is not that it is fattening, but that it is junk food full stop.

3peassuit · 29/12/2021 16:00

You included the cereal as fun thing for Christmas and he totally rained on it. As TheWeeDonkey says, this is how eating disorders start. Keep away from him.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/12/2021 16:00

I don't agree that it's fat-shaming and unacceptable to point out that junk food is junk food.

So you don't think the fact they're clearly told throughout the year that they can't have it, but only as a special Christmas treat, conveys the message very clearly?

Also, it's bad enough for irritating, boorish people to pass judgment on what you choose to eat - but they hadn't gone and chosen this: it was a present that they just opened. His actions clearly undermined the girls' parents.

Moreover, I know the cereal boxes were destined to become recycling eventually, but how horrible to seize and deface a present that somebody else has just received.

I'm sure he would be furious if he'd received a much-wanted book on golf or fishing and they had scribbled over it 'boring' or 'waste of time hobby - should get another weekend job'.

All he needed to say, to convey his intended mansplaining message, was "Oh, what a lovely very special treat - just because it's Christmas!!!" - but he didn't: instead, he went super weird and totally unacceptable.