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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex DBiL attitude to food - is this acceptable?

94 replies

6079SmithW · 29/12/2021 15:05

Disclaimer: I have posted about this before (when I thought it was a one off) but now it has happened again I don't know if I should do something?

ExDH took DC to DBiL for Christmas. We have two DD primary school age but think upper years. When the girls got back they told me this happened (I asked ExDH and he confirmed it).

I bought all the Christmas presents, and included in the girls' stockings a box each of trashy American breakfast cereal that they always ask for but are never allowed to eat usually. When the girls opened them DBiL wrote 'BAD' and 'Unhealthy' on the boxes and lectured them about the amount of sugar etc.

DBiL has form for this kind of behaviour. On a previous visit he made them do star jumps before they were allowed a piece of birthday cake. He only seems to do it where the girls are concerned (he didn't make the adults do star jumps or go around writing 'bad' on the adults chocolates or booze for example).

ExDH seems to think his brother's behaviour is totally acceptable and refuses to do anything about it. AIBU to worry that this is fat shaming and could lead to body issues/eating disorders?

FWIW I am overweight so I believe that's why DBiL behaves like this, but having struggled with weight my entire life, no one wants the girls to not become overweight more than me.

OP posts:

tara66 · 29/12/2021 16:02

Make sure girls make large sign boards with ''bad'' and ''unhealth'' in bold letters with string attached to put round this man's neck like bill boards for him to wear. Maybe he will then get the message.
Also tell them to laugh at him all the time - what an idiot!

MintMatchmaker · 29/12/2021 16:03

@Coyoacan

I don't agree that it's fat-shaming and unacceptable to point out that junk food is junk food

This!

The problem with junk food is not that it is fattening, but that it is junk food full stop.

That may be the case, but if you read OP’s post, it is her two girls that are being singled out to be given the message. If he told everyone the same thing then it would still be none of his business, but it is totally unacceptable to only do it to two young children.

anne2650 · 29/12/2021 16:06

Yanbu. He sounds like a right wanker.

2020nymph · 29/12/2021 16:08

@Funnylittlefloozie

I would just tell your girls that Uncle Foodissues is a bit bonkers in the brain, and while they do have to be polite to him, they don't have to take anything he says seriously.

We've just had a similar conversation. SIL is a SW lifer and spoke a few times about how bread/cheese/something else were bad foods on Christmas Day. When she saw DS filling his plate with fruit and veg at Christmas buffet she told him that was healthy and the other food was not.

Next day he refused to eat bread and would only eat fruit and veg.

We had a talk about the importance of a balance diet and remind him about what they learnt in school.

tulips27 · 29/12/2021 16:09

OMG you just couldn't make it up.

AngelinaFibres · 29/12/2021 16:10

When I got married my husband's sister came and brought with her 2 little boys she and her husband were fostering . They were aged about 7ish. We had profiteroles and cream for pudding. Bowls were put down in front of the little boys but she took them away and asked if they could be provided with an apple each. She and her husband then divvied up the extra profiteroles between them. Apparently the boys had to have something healthy because they were children. It was 30 years ago and this thread has made it pop back into my mind.

Butchyrestingface · 29/12/2021 16:13

@tulips27

OMG you just couldn't make it up.

ANameChangeAgain · 29/12/2021 16:15

I'd try and give your kids some coping skills for then they are around him if you're not able to stop your ex having him in their lives.
I think this is the only thing you can do, as well as tell the girls that this man is a bullying tosser.
@2020nymph don't you just a pious sw lifer!

Butchyrestingface · 29/12/2021 16:15

Breakfast cereal seems fairly benign compared to the mountains of chocolate and candy many most kids devour on Xmas day.

Does he have kids of his own? If so, were they munching on celery sticks for their Xmas brekkie?

ANameChangeAgain · 29/12/2021 16:16

Don't you just love a pious sl lifer, should have read. My Internet is crap today!

AngelinaFibres · 29/12/2021 16:17

@6079SmithW

Disclaimer: I have posted about this before (when I thought it was a one off) but now it has happened again I don't know if I should do something?

ExDH took DC to DBiL for Christmas. We have two DD primary school age but think upper years. When the girls got back they told me this happened (I asked ExDH and he confirmed it).

ExDH seems to think his brother's behaviour is totally acceptable and refuses to do anything about it. AIBU to worry that this is fat shaming and could lead to body issues/eating disorders?

FWIW I am overweight so I believe that's why DBiL behaves like this, but having struggled with weight my entire life, no one wants the girls to not become overweight more than me.

The very best lesson in life is "everything in moderation". Nothing is bad or good in a balanced diet . Food/wine/ whatever is to be enjoyed not used as a stick to beat people with .

FreeFrenchHens · 29/12/2021 16:21

Turn it into a family joke. You can't control what he will say and do in future. Allowing the DC to laugh at this kind of thing will put them in a much more powerful position than relying on him to change his behaviour (which will probably just make him do it more subtley). The more seriously you take him, the more control you give him.

And it would be a flat "no" to star jumps in turn for cake because last time you checked, DC are not performing monkeys.

I wonder if he's just awfully, awfully bad at knowing how to treat kids. He may even think he is being a fun uncle

BingBongToTheMoon · 29/12/2021 16:21

Totally off the subject of their batshit uncle……why did the girls not open the presents you gave them with you?

BedisBliss · 29/12/2021 16:27

@TheWeeDonkey

Yeah, this is how eating disorders start.

Completely agree. Aren't we supposed to educated our children to make balanced choices and to believe no foods are necessarily 'bad'? Maybe I'm making assumptions here and projecting but it only took a few 'comments' from my ex who has food issues himself which are masked by his gym obsession (and inability to have any chocolate or biscuits in the house without binge eating) to leave me with an anorexic self-loathing daughter who took years to love herself again. It's bullying and it's crap and your husband needs to stand up for your daughters. FFS - we all over-indulge at Christmas!!

Midlifemusings · 29/12/2021 16:29

I would keep your more inside joke / treat presents to give at your house. Did dad not get any gifts / stocking if they were spending Christmas Day with him. Did you offer to provide all the gifts or did you find out last minute that dad had nothing so you sent what you had intended to give them when they came back to your house?

I wouldn't send any food given you know your ex doesn't get it and that he takes them around his brother.

I agree with the others that you frame it for your daughters. Your voice and perspective should count for more than an uncle. Make him out to be both rude and weird.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/12/2021 16:29

It sounds like she does that every day when she gets a little platform anyway, but she reminds me of all the joy sponges who wring their hands in despair and urgently warn you that the average person eats X-thousands of calories on Christmas Day, which is dreadful as the daily calorie requirement is only half/a quarter/a tenth of that.

I don't know if they also notice that most people spend far more than 1/365th of their annual income on Christmas Day as well. It's almost as if it's some kind of only-one-day-a-year special feast and celebration day....

MaxNormal · 29/12/2021 16:31

I'm another one that thinks getting girls that age to do star jumps in front of him is dodgy.

The rest is appalling as well obviously. So what if the stuff is sugary crap? It's clearly a Christmas treat.

Midlifemusings · 29/12/2021 16:31

I should add my SIL is currently on a no carb kick and bread is evil. Her kids get all worried when they see someone eating bread and tell them not to eat bread as it is bad for you. I have tried to explain to them that bread isn't bad for you and that it is only 'bad' for their mom because she is on a special diet.

CharityDingle · 29/12/2021 16:32

@anne2650

Yanbu. He sounds like a right wanker.

Exactly.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 29/12/2021 16:32

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I don't agree that it's fat-shaming and unacceptable to point out that junk food is junk food.

So you don't think the fact they're clearly told throughout the year that they can't have it, but only as a special Christmas treat, conveys the message very clearly?

Also, it's bad enough for irritating, boorish people to pass judgment on what you choose to eat - but they hadn't gone and chosen this: it was a present that they just opened. His actions clearly undermined the girls' parents.

Moreover, I know the cereal boxes were destined to become recycling eventually, but how horrible to seize and deface a present that somebody else has just received.

I'm sure he would be furious if he'd received a much-wanted book on golf or fishing and they had scribbled over it 'boring' or 'waste of time hobby - should get another weekend job'.

All he needed to say, to convey his intended mansplaining message, was "Oh, what a lovely very special treat - just because it's Christmas!!!" - but he didn't: instead, he went super weird and totally unacceptable.

This with bells on!! And WTF at the star jumps?!! He’s a bullying fuckwit.

GrandmasCat · 29/12/2021 16:36

You have an ExH problem, not a ExBIL problem.

Thankfully your kids are at the end of primary school so they can’t be forced to keep in touch with nasty extended family members for much longer. That’s the beauty of teenage in some cases, they step back from unpleasant social interactions by choosing to spend more time with people that makes them feel good and valued, the friends they chose themselves.

Beautiful3 · 29/12/2021 16:36

Thats really bad. I wouldn't alloa them to ho again, without me. He's going to trigger eating disorders.

MintJulia · 29/12/2021 16:36

So your ex-bil has just made himself look boring and joyless in front of his nieces....

I'm sure your dds think you are a cool mum to let them have it. My ds has pain au chocolat for Xmas breakfasts and thinks they are the ultimate in sophistication

heldinadream · 29/12/2021 16:38

How old are your girls? That's waaaaay out of order. I'm not sure what you can do without some ruckus but perhaps encourage them to tell him to do one. Never too young for them to stand up to a bullying nutcase. Why does your ex-dh think this is in any way ok?

Keep the cereal for at home perhaps. But also let your girls know he's a twat.

PoshPyjamas · 29/12/2021 16:43

I would just laugh at him - and encourage your DDs to do the same. I think you are in danger of taking this too seriously due to your own weight issues.

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