Ex DBiL attitude to food - is this acceptable?

[6079SmithW]

Disclaimer: I have posted about this before (when I thought it was a one off) but now it has happened again I don't know if I should do something?

ExDH took DC to DBiL for Christmas. We have two DD primary school age but think upper years. When the girls got back they told me this happened (I asked ExDH and he confirmed it).

I bought all the Christmas presents, and included in the girls' stockings a box each of trashy American breakfast cereal that they always ask for but are never allowed to eat usually. When the girls opened them DBiL wrote 'BAD' and 'Unhealthy' on the boxes and lectured them about the amount of sugar etc.

DBiL has form for this kind of behaviour. On a previous visit he made them do star jumps before they were allowed a piece of birthday cake. He only seems to do it where the girls are concerned (he didn't make the adults do star jumps or go around writing 'bad' on the adults chocolates or booze for example).

ExDH seems to think his brother's behaviour is totally acceptable and refuses to do anything about it. AIBU to worry that this is fat shaming and could lead to body issues/eating disorders?

FWIW I am overweight so I believe that's why DBiL behaves like this, but having struggled with weight my entire life, no one wants the girls to not become overweight more than me.

I actually called him a creepy twat, but spell check like the uncle seems to have gone all pious!

I think you are in danger of taking this too seriously due to your own weight issues

Er no. She's taking it seriously because it is horrible bullying behaviour towards two young primary school children on the part of creepy uncle, who has form for behaving like this.
Why shouldn't this be taken seriously?

What kind of jerk thinks it's acceptable to write on someone else's gift from their mother?!

If I were you, I'd make my opinion known to the girls. They're old enough to probably realise on their own that he's a controlling fun-sponge, but I'd want to be sure they know that he's being ridiculous and rude. They don't have to tell him that (unless they want to), but they need to be confident enough to brush off his creepy behaviour and know that he's not a trusted adult or someone they should look to for guidance because he's a stupid jerk.

It's awful.

Labelling certain foods as "naughty" and shameful can lead to unhealthy relationships with food that can conversely lead to disordered eating.

That's not to say you shouldn't tell children that some foods are healthier than others, but it's not "bad" or naughty or shameful to eat cake and certain sugary American cereals, it's just that we need to make sure we don't eat too much of them and mostly eat nutritious food.

It's Christmas for god's sake, can't children enjoy some tasty food once in a while? (This is aimed at all the virtue-signalling PPs saying it's "junk food". So bloody what? It's not like that's all they ever eat, is it?)

Make sure the children know he's a bit of a nutter, let them know they do NOT have to do star jumps for cake, even if Uncle Nutter says they do, and also I agree with the PP who said the kids should put labels on Uncle Nutter's alcohol bottles.

Go,and write ‘pollution hazard‘ on his car

(Joking btw)

You did the children’s stockings
For them to open at your ex husband’s?

@6079SmithW

Why are they never allowed the offending cereal, and it's only a Christmas treat?

Either it's ok to eat or it is not.

I agree your former BIL is all kinds of wrong on this one, and I hinestly think your DDs should write BAD on bottles of wine, and even verbally question it every time a glass is poured or a chocolate is chosen from a box at BIL's house if they're ever there again, but examine what you yourself are saying to your daughters when you turn certain items into forbidden fruit.

And if your exH is too much of a wimp to stick up for his daughters when they are being bullied in front of his own eyes, then I would hesitate to let them stay with him.

He's awful! Is this something he only does to young girls, or is it all children? The star jumps thing is all kinds of creepy too!

@RandomLondoner

I don't agree that it's fat-shaming and unacceptable to point out that junk food is junk food.

Well if that’s what he’s done I’d agree. But he didn’t he wrote BAD and UNHEALTHLY on a child’s gift.

@ANameChangeAgain

Don't you just love a pious sl lifer, should have read. My Internet is crap today!

Every conversation I have with them!!!

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

We've just had a similar conversation. SIL is a SW lifer and spoke a few times about how bread/cheese/something else were bad foods on Christmas Day. When she saw DS filling his plate with fruit and veg at Christmas buffet she told him that was healthy and the other food was not.

It sounds like she does that every day when she gets a little platform anyway, but she reminds me of all the joy sponges who wring their hands in despair and urgently warn you that the average person eats X-thousands of calories on Christmas Day, which is dreadful as the daily calorie requirement is only half/a quarter/a tenth of that.

I don't know if they also notice that most people spend far more than 1/365th of their annual income on Christmas Day as well. It's almost as if it's some kind of only-one-day-a-year special feast and celebration day....

Every time we see her!!

I would be tearing strips off both the ex husband and his brother!
No way would I let my kids anywhere near him again!
Star jumps indeed!!

@OhGiveUp

I would be tearing strips off both the ex husband and his brother! No way would I let my kids anywhere near him again! Star jumps indeed!!

You’re not divorced are you?

Sadly this simply isn’t realistic.

OP, nothing is better than ridiculing. When the girls are back with you, ridicule their uncle for his views (and anything and everything else), scorn him, laugh at him. Don’t make out you’re upset. Make out it’s so laughably stupid that you won’t dignify it with any response other than taking the piss

My DDs dad is like this.
It can absolutely lead to eating disorders. They say you should never label food as bad or good as your brain associates it with punishment which leads to emotional eating and then an eating disorder.

I would just try and make fun of him to your girls and tell them how silly he is. Ask them to try and get him and their dad to join in with the exercise.

Give the kids a marker and tell them to write BAD on his forehead.

It’s a difficult one. I do think we tiptoe around weight for fear of causing eating disorders, but we need to bear in mind that we are on track to have pretty much the whole population either overweight or obese in the near future.

This can be Contrasted with the fact that approx 8% of the population have an eating disorder (only 0.6% having anorexia).

I think the conclusion has to be that your ExBIL INU, your DDs are at far more risk of obesity than an eating disorder, so he is in the right to draw attention to this.

I don't agree that it's fat-shaming and unacceptable to point out that junk food is junk food.

On a kids Christmas present? How is the view up there from that high horse?

I agree this is a problem. Sadly the first thing the chocolate bar and star jumps made me think of was a school friend who was anorexic. She'd go for a long run for every chocolate bar she ate.

That has made me uber sensitive to linking exercise to "balance" out food and girls particularly are so prone to eating disorders.

but we need to bear in mind that we are on track to have pretty much the whole population either overweight or obese in the near future.

Where do the stats come from for this?

I'd tell your girls that their uncle is mentally unstable and they should tell him where to go.

Your ex bil has a serious problem. Regarding the star jumps, if your children were mine, they would know that if they were offered cake in return for star jumps again, the answer is no thanks to both and cake at home from me like a normal, civilised human being.

Also, i would definitely be working on the assumption that Uncle Moistlips is a pervert. Normal adults don't try to bribe prepubescent girls into doing star jumps for them.

I would be livid at that too OP and would be making a point of explaining to your DDs that their uncle has issues around food and they are to ignore him.

I would also be having words with BIL and call him out on the behaviour. Make the point that you believe he has issues, suggest he seeks help as his behaviour is not normal, and just basically get your point across that he is out of order.

No adult should be shaming a child for what they eat or demand that they 'earn' it by doing star jumps. He needs to be called on that and made to feel ashamed.

In response to a few questions:

Ex DBiL doesn't have any children and doesn't look likely to, so he's only real interaction with children is my DC.

I'm really cross with my ex DH for not saying anything or standing up for the girls when they are around his family, but that's just one of the reasons we're now divorced!

The DC know that particular type of cereal is junk. They are constantly told about healthy balanced diet at home and in school. So I wouldn't have minded a general comment or even warning the girls that they shouldn't eat it regularly.

For the poster who said I need to decide if they can have it or not - why? They are not allowed to have it as a general every day breakfast cereal, but allowing it at Christmas I looked at in the same way as we all look at Christmas food and treats - a little indulgence for a limited time.

My exDH is crap at buying presents (clothes/shoes/hair cuts) and pretty much everything for the girls, so I agreed to shop for his presents to them as well as my own. The cereal was meant to be a cheap/jokey stocking filler. I talked him through everything I had bought on his behalf before I handed them over to make sure he was ok with it all. I thought he would let the girls open their presents at his house before going to his DB's house. My ex PiL were also there so no doubt my choices were scrutinised by the whole family.