Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is this abuse- please help

78 replies

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:16

Posting for traffic

DH has been slamming on brakes in car when angry if kids are being rowdy.

He’s started removing my phone from me after 10 pm and putting it away
This morning he came out the shower when I was sleeping just lay forcefully across my legs and body slammed me. Said he didn’t see me and was clearly lying. I then had to curl up really small to accommodate him.
Frequently in the night if I wake or move about I get told “ shut up you fucking bitch” or “ piss off”
I can’t do anything right. I feel so bleak right now and I just have no strength to fight or argue so I’m just being v quiet. His mum my MIL has always minimised his behaviour and tried to laugh it off. I can’t talk to her. My parents can’t help due to illness. I wish I could get away.

He has a history of behaviour like this which was much worse when the kids were little. It seemed to ease off but now it’s like living with a nightmare.

OP posts:

Funnylittlefloozie · 29/12/2021 12:22

Oh my love, yes its abuse. He sounds like a vile pig. He hurts you physically (the body slamming), he frightens you and the children, he controls you by taking your phone away. He is, quite frankly, a piece of shit, and you do NOT deserve this.

What is your situation? Do you have a job, are you married, is the house in both your names?

UltraVividLament · 29/12/2021 12:23

Yes it's abuse. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. He shouldn't be taking your phone off you, speaking to you abusively or any of the other behaviours you describe.

Have you ever contacted Women's Aid? They have a helpline and can offer advice about how to get out of an abusive relationship.

Original poster

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:24

Hi @Funnylittlefloozie thanks so much for your reply. Yes I do have a job and we are married with house in both names x

OP posts:

DracarysThis · 29/12/2021 12:25

Yes, of course this is abusive behaviour. I think you need to give serious thought to getting you and the kids away from him, before this escalates further.

Original poster

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:26

@UltraVividLament yes I did when kids were young. Things seemed to have improved but now it’s like we are back to the dark old days . I can literally see the pleasure on his face and in his voice when he finds something to pick on me

OP posts:

Original poster

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:27

I don’t feel safe lying next to him at night.

OP posts:

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/12/2021 12:28

Please make plans to divorce this abuser, you and your kids deserve so much better

Georgeskitchen · 29/12/2021 12:28

Yes it absolutely is abuse. I hope you can get some help and get yourself and your DCs out of danger

Cissyandflora · 29/12/2021 12:29

@Stellaestrella

I don’t feel safe lying next to him at night.

And that’s why you are going to end the relationship asap.

Original poster

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:30

Does anyone know if it’s possible to have abuse for years then for it to stop, then return years later and escalate?

OP posts:

5zeds · 29/12/2021 12:30

Yes it is.

You don’t have to stay.

Scirocco · 29/12/2021 12:31

Yes, it's abuse. You and your children deserve better. If he hasn't changed and sustained a change by this point, he's unlikely to do so now. Start the New Year by getting rid of him and I think you and your children will probably be much happier. Domestic violence charities may be able to help, and make sure you speak with a good lawyer asap. Stay safe!

BlueSuffragette · 29/12/2021 12:32

Please contact women's aid. They will help you. He is abusive. Please contact them to protect you and your children.

UltraVividLament · 29/12/2021 12:33

Yes, it's perfectly possible for the abuse to escalate at some points and reduce at other times. What matters is that his behaviour is abusive towards you (and the children) now, and you don't feel safe.

I would get back in contact with Women's Aid and start to think about how you can get you and the children away from this man.

Summerhillsquare · 29/12/2021 12:34

Of course it's possible, you're witnessing it. Trust your instincts. Don't waste time and energy analysing him and his behaviour, looking for a 'why'. He's simply choosing to bully you because he can. Use your precious resources to get yourself a new life.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 29/12/2021 12:35

How old are the dc op? Just hoping old enough to never have to see him when you Ltb.

Waftypants · 29/12/2021 12:35

Of course it's possible, it's happening. I know it's easy to doubt yourself in these situations but please accept what posters on here have said. This is abuse, you don't feel safe so you need to do something about that. This is NOT your fault. He is an abuser. You and your children need safety which means you have to take action to remove this man from your home. Is there anyone IRL who can support you?

Original poster

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:38

Kids are 17,14 and 11

Used to be easier as he was working away and travelling now he’s here all the time:(

OP posts:

Time40 · 29/12/2021 12:40

Of course it's abuse - it's sad and worrying that you need to ask, OP. He actually sounds dangerous.

You need to leave asap, because it could easily get worse. You should make secret plans to leave, and do it without telling him you're going, because there is a serious risk he could physically attack and hurt you if he knows you are leaving.

Sparklfairy · 29/12/2021 12:40

He hates you OP. You really do need to leave ASAP.

Original poster

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:48

He really does hate me I think. He went out somewhere and forgot his keys and battered so aggressively on the front door. So angry. My stomach just churned

OP posts:

TheVolturi · 29/12/2021 12:51

Omg op. please get away from this man.

ApolloandDaphne · 29/12/2021 12:53

You need to leave for your own safety and that of your DC. What do they say about their DF? Have they noticed his behaviour?

WhenwillIlearntoadult · 29/12/2021 12:54

This is definitely abuse. I’m so sorry. I was in a similar situation where my relationship was abusive but I couldn’t see it because it sort of crept up on me (people talk about the boiling frog analogy). I tried to separate from him numerous times but he wouldn’t let me. His parents also minimised his behaviour. I remember when my eldest was at primary school trying to talk to his mum about something he’d done and she just kept repeating the word ‘no’ at me until I stopped talking. I felt so alone. Ended up that I didn’t know who I was any more.
My advice is to speak to women’s aid, or a local dv charity. Absolutely do not let him know your plans.
My children are v similar age to yours and I managed to end the relationship earlier this year. It hasn’t been easy but it was definitely the right thing to do. Feel free to dm if you would like to talk more. Good luck x

GregTheEgg · 29/12/2021 12:55

@Stellaestrella

I don’t feel safe lying next to him at night.

This is so sad and tells you everything you need to know about this relationship. Now you’ve seen it and said it out loud, you can start to make plans to separate. Do so quietly without drawing attention to it, make sure you erase your browsing history and change your passwords on your phone so that he can’t see what you’ve been doing. Turn off the ability for people to @ you on here so that you don’t get email alerts if someone tags you. And get all important paperwork together the minute he’s out of the house. These arseholes often ramp up their abuse when they sense that they’re losing control. Stay safe. Call police if he gets in any way antagonistic. They can help you leave safely. That may feel like an over reaction at the moment but bear it in mind.

Flip

1 2 3 4