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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this abuse- please help

78 replies

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:16

Posting for traffic

DH has been slamming on brakes in car when angry if kids are being rowdy.

He’s started removing my phone from me after 10 pm and putting it away
This morning he came out the shower when I was sleeping just lay forcefully across my legs and body slammed me. Said he didn’t see me and was clearly lying. I then had to curl up really small to accommodate him.
Frequently in the night if I wake or move about I get told “ shut up you fucking bitch” or “ piss off”
I can’t do anything right. I feel so bleak right now and I just have no strength to fight or argue so I’m just being v quiet. His mum my MIL has always minimised his behaviour and tried to laugh it off. I can’t talk to her. My parents can’t help due to illness. I wish I could get away.

He has a history of behaviour like this which was much worse when the kids were little. It seemed to ease off but now it’s like living with a nightmare.

OP posts:
Player20868 · 31/12/2021 19:00

Some excellent advice on this thread and I hope you're able to take at least some of it.

Yes, he's abusive, and a cruel sadist to boot. Plus, reading between the lines, projecting his own behaviour on to you. That notebook thing - years ago I had a beyond insanely jealous partner who specialised in mind games (thankfully only for a short time). He used to get his pants and his tiny little brain cell in a twist if I so much as dared to have coffee with my boss and male and female colleagues in the middle of the day. Turns out he was the one who was playing away...

So, he's trying to either catch you out having an affair (which strongly suggests he may be), or he's trying to find something he can gaslight or punish you with. Delete your phone history and your browser history as well, assuming you're using your phone to access this site.

His mother also sounds like an utter peach to have raised such a vindictive psychotic bully - it's no excuse that she's probably normalised behaviour from men in her own life as a survival mechanism.

This isn't the 1950s or even the 1970s any more though, you don't have to endure this and nor do your kids. (And just because he hasn't turned on them yet doesn't mean he won't.)

To help protect yourself, do you have or could you get another phone handset somehow, even just a cheap pay as you go one, and hide it somewhere he won't find it? It's obviously too late tonight, but as soon as you can.

Get your documents together, including your bank card, make sure he can't get at your car keys (assuming you drive), and make sure you have, in a place he can't get to, enough cash for a taxi or your card to get you to the nearest police station if necessary. Christmas time is always a bit of a watershed/flashpoint time, you and the kids deserve so much better than this.

Fingers crossed that you get out of this situation very soon.

Player20868 · 31/12/2021 19:03

Just to add, since I left the abusive monster I was (briefly) with, my life has had its share of ups and downs, but overall it's been more good than bad, and crucially I've had the freedom to make my own decisions and not have, for example, to worry about tiptoeing round the house when I needed to go to the loo so I wouldn't wake him. (I'm not making that up, he was that controlling.)

user15364596354862 · 31/12/2021 19:08

Abusers don't admit to being abusers.

Freedom Programme helped me leave my abuser and change my life.

It's not therapy, it's information but in a safe, supportive environment. You don't have to talk, you can just listen if you want.

I hope you manage to leave him.

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