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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this abuse- please help

78 replies

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:16

Posting for traffic

DH has been slamming on brakes in car when angry if kids are being rowdy.

He’s started removing my phone from me after 10 pm and putting it away
This morning he came out the shower when I was sleeping just lay forcefully across my legs and body slammed me. Said he didn’t see me and was clearly lying. I then had to curl up really small to accommodate him.
Frequently in the night if I wake or move about I get told “ shut up you fucking bitch” or “ piss off”
I can’t do anything right. I feel so bleak right now and I just have no strength to fight or argue so I’m just being v quiet. His mum my MIL has always minimised his behaviour and tried to laugh it off. I can’t talk to her. My parents can’t help due to illness. I wish I could get away.

He has a history of behaviour like this which was much worse when the kids were little. It seemed to ease off but now it’s like living with a nightmare.

OP posts:
cauliflowersqueeze · 29/12/2021 12:57

What a repulsive shithead he is!!!!
Make it your New Year’s aim to spend 2022 away from him!!!

gelatodipistacchio · 29/12/2021 13:00

Yes, it's abuse.

SummerWhisper · 29/12/2021 13:01

Is the abuse worse when your phone has been confiscated by your shitty husband? I am worried that he is planning to be more abusive when the kids are in bed / asleep and you have no phone.

Devilmakes3 · 29/12/2021 13:02

To answer is it possible to stop abuse temporarily? I’m going to say no but the problem is you are struggling to recognise it.

My FIL is an abusive bollox. The physical abuse stopped for a decade just after I met DH but he was still deeply controlling, financially abusive, emotionally and psychologically abusive and then hey presto he arrived back with some physical abuse after his hiatus of over a decade.

Abusers don’t stop abusing, they get a bit of a kick from picking on people, think of that shady child who gets a bit of a thrill from hurting an animal and then never getting that trait taught out of them as a child and then you have an grown up abuser. Abusers like to mix up how the abuse people to cause the maximum confusion. Get out OP he will destroy you and he will irreparably damage your kids and also stay away from your MIL because she will enable him and gaslight you. I’m so sorry you are going through this you absolutely do not deserve it but be strong and get out.

Circlesandtriangles · 29/12/2021 13:03

You are reading the signs now OP which is difficult but really brave too, good for you. Please do get out safely while you still can and rebuild your confidence and happiness. You deserve so much better for you and your kids.

Serendipity79 · 29/12/2021 13:07

Please do get some help OP. Right now, don't worry about money/house/getting ducks in a row if people suggest it, because its well meaning advice, but the urgent priority has to be your physical safety.

Women's Aid can help, as can the police - they can support you with a non molestation order and occupation order if needed, both of which are free of charge. I've been through this experience albeit it was a few years ago now, but the main thing is that you need to be apart from him before he hurts you or the children.

Please - ask someone for help

Original poster
Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 13:09

Yes he’s gone a bit weird and makes excuses all the time saying I’m moody etc I just try to keep out of his way

The kids have noticed he gets mad but they don’t seem at all scared of him but then he’s not menacing with them

Honestly if he came in now and said he was going away I’d probably have a party

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 29/12/2021 13:32

Do you think it’s normal to feel like this in your own home?

You are an adult and a mother.
You don’t get told what to do.
You don’t feel uncomfortable in your own home.
You don’t feel scared or intimidated by the people you live with.
That’s not how normal adults live.

If this was a new thing I can see why you are staying but this has been going on for years, he just changes the intensity which in some ways is worse as it means he can control it.

What are your reasons for staying?

Devilmakes3 · 29/12/2021 13:34

Yes he’s gone a bit weird and makes excuses all the time saying I’m moody etc I just try to keep out of his way

That is projection and gaslighting right there. He knows what he is doing I’m telling you he is the kid who pulls the limbs of an animal and he enjoys baiting you. It is absolutely horrible to live with OP. It really isn’t you. It is him.

RealBecca · 29/12/2021 13:41

He went out somewhere and forgot his keys and battered so aggressively on the front door.

No, he didn't forget his keys, he wanted a reason to check up on you.

Yes its abuse. Doesn't matter why. The fact he suppressed it for years means he turns it on and off. You don't need someone who wants to hurt you. It will escalate the more and longer he gets away with it.

Original poster
Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 13:51

Also woke up last night to see him standing over me reading through a note book that was in my bed side drawer. There was nothing but shopping lists in it. He was disappointed I think .
Pp asked me why I stay?

On one level he’s good company when he’s in nice mode. Funny clever etc and motivated. However this is a shift right here and I’m feeling really uneasy. I’ve got the fight or flight feeling big fime

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 29/12/2021 13:57

If this were me today, I would drive to the nearest police station and ask to talk to someone. They may ask you if you are making a complaint. You can just say you have no-one else to talk to and do not know what to do and want someone to advise you.
Make sure it is recorded on paper that you told someone what he is doing.
They may give you numbers you can call/organisations to support people who are in your position.
Do not do nothing. One day he may kill you

WonderfulYou · 29/12/2021 13:58

However this is a shift right here and I’m feeling really uneasy. I’ve got the fight or flight feeling big fime

Listen to your gut.
Your home should be the place you feel the most safe and comfortable.
I could never imagine coming home and feeling uneasy.

On one level he’s good company when he’s in nice mode.

Have you ever been single?
Some people struggle to be on their own. But remember you can always invite friends or family around to keep you company. People who don’t go through your drawers and read your notes.

WonderfulYou · 29/12/2021 13:59

Do you think he’s met someone else?

It’s sounding like he’s almost pushing you to break up with him or trying to find a reason to break up with you.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 29/12/2021 14:00

Your instincts sense the danger. He’s a simmering kettle of violence and he is looking for reasons to snap - at you

missverstaendnis · 29/12/2021 14:06

@Stellaestrella

Kids are 17,14 and 11

Used to be easier as he was working away and travelling now he’s here all the time:(

In a healthy and loving relationship you wouldn't be upset about spending more time with your partner.

At best you are tolerating him being about, at worst you are feeling unsafe and abused.
Please don't endure more years of this. And not for the hope of the abuse being less drastic again (to then flare up even worse).
Seek legal advice and get him out.
Just imagine peaceful sleep without having to worry that you might move slightly whilst asleep!!

CriminalOrator · 29/12/2021 14:31

Reading threads like these make my blood run cold.

I sincerely hope you and the children quickly get away from this nasty cunt, OP. And are free of him and his torture.

Brackenandbramble · 29/12/2021 14:34

I hope you manage to get some support and help, definitely contact your local women's aid, they will be able to advise and help you get out if that's what you choose to do.
He sounds very menacing and you really don't need to feel like you're walking on eggshells.
Please get help and get out

Original poster
Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 14:52

@WonderfulYou he might have met someone. He’s very jealous in his behaviour towards me though and suspicious. Who knows

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 29/12/2021 14:56

Yes its abuse and stop worrying about why. It doesn't matter. Your clear priority now is to get yourself and your children away from him as fast as possible. Have you got somewhere you can stay while you figure it out?

WonderfulYou · 29/12/2021 15:19

he might have met someone. He’s very jealous in his behaviour towards me though and suspicious. Who knows

Sounds like he’s projecting.
I’d make plans ASAP before he ends up leaving you for the OW.

Are you financially secure?

I would get everything sorted financially as quickly as you can and then tell him it’s not working out so you want him to move out.

MasterBeth · 29/12/2021 15:28

I am so sorry you are going through this wretched abuse, OP. It will take some effort for you to exricate yourself but you will feel so relieved when you come out the other side and no longer have the appalling man in your house.

Thamesis · 29/12/2021 15:31

Please go back to Women's Aid - they can help you plan how to get this abusive man away from you. You might not have to leave the family home unless you want to - get advice.

My ex-husband got nasty when he'd decided he'd had enough (and his secret ex-gf became available).

Best wishes OP Flowers

Original poster
Stellaestrella · 31/12/2021 11:08

Hi it’s me again. I am listening and appreciate every single reply.

It’s hard because in an ideal world I’d be able to come back and tell you I’ve left or he’s left. Surprise there’s no change. Things are worse if anything and he started drinking again last night after promising to stop. When I asked him about it this morning got told to “ piss off”. He’s now locked the bedroom door so I can’t get in to get my clothes. He’s unbearable to be around and it feels like a pressure cooker in here. Like an explosion is coming. I know I need to leave him but can I just vent a while? I need to get things straightened in my head.

I know I shouldn’t dwell but I can’t help it… I just can’t understand why his mum would minimise this and laugh it off. She just laughs and says “ oh well you’ve made your bed!” I can’t fathom how I would ever do that to another woman even if it were my son they were talking about. Why ?

OP posts:
WhenwillIlearntoadult · 31/12/2021 13:19

His mum has probably had it for years from his dad and so has normalised it.
I completely understand where you are coming from. No matter how much pain and anxiety he has caused you, it’s still a very difficult thing to process when someone tells you that it’s abuse.
My DA support worker could see that I kept minimising and not believing the abuse. I had reassurances from her and from the police and SS that it was indeed abuse. It’s not easy though, when your everyday contacts think it’s all you being miserable or whatever.
You take as long as you need. You need to build your mental strength so you can withstand what he throws back at you when you do make the move.
It took me a very long time to find my strength. I do wish I’d found it sooner but I’m glad I found it eventually.

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