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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this abuse- please help

78 replies

Stellaestrella · 29/12/2021 12:16

Posting for traffic

DH has been slamming on brakes in car when angry if kids are being rowdy.

He’s started removing my phone from me after 10 pm and putting it away
This morning he came out the shower when I was sleeping just lay forcefully across my legs and body slammed me. Said he didn’t see me and was clearly lying. I then had to curl up really small to accommodate him.
Frequently in the night if I wake or move about I get told “ shut up you fucking bitch” or “ piss off”
I can’t do anything right. I feel so bleak right now and I just have no strength to fight or argue so I’m just being v quiet. His mum my MIL has always minimised his behaviour and tried to laugh it off. I can’t talk to her. My parents can’t help due to illness. I wish I could get away.

He has a history of behaviour like this which was much worse when the kids were little. It seemed to ease off but now it’s like living with a nightmare.

OP posts:
Glitterblue · 31/12/2021 13:51

Please get away from this man. You shouldn't be living in fear like this. I know it's much easier said than done, but for your own physical and mental safety, and that of your children, you have to find a way.

Thinking of you so much, you must be absolutely terrified and that's no way to live. Please come back and let us know how things are going.

Original poster
Stellaestrella · 31/12/2021 14:26

He’s so up and down I just don’t know where I stand from one minute to the next. His mum is a narcissist and doesn’t believe there’s such a thing as abuse unless it’s physical

OP posts:
WhenwillIlearntoadult · 31/12/2021 16:15

She’s wrong. Get in touch with a DV charity and see if you can start the Freedom Programme. I promise it will help you.

Original poster
Stellaestrella · 31/12/2021 16:27

Can anyone tell me about the freedom program and what it’s like to do it.He’s due back soon and phone may get taken early tonight as he’ll be drinking

OP posts:
Shedmistress · 31/12/2021 16:28

Stop listening to his mum.

What are your options, do you have anywhere you can go?

Twinkleylight · 31/12/2021 16:32

Delete the search history on your phone several times a day, he probably checks it.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

soisolated · 31/12/2021 16:38

My Dad was like this, hot pleasure from making my mum's life a misery. She didn't leave him and was just a shell of a person. He's a scumbag, I hope you can get out

PinkSyCo · 31/12/2021 16:46

Fucking hell OP this is the worst type of abuse because that monster you’re married to seems to derive real pleasure from bullying you. Please find the strength to get away from him.

stuntbubbles · 31/12/2021 17:07

It doesn’t matter what his mum says, or what we say (we’re right, though – it’s abuse). You’re allowed to leave for any reason; you don’t need to wait for it to reach a particular level or bar of “OK, this is abusive enough”. You can leave whenever you want, for any reason you like. Flowers

yellowtwo · 31/12/2021 17:16

Op found this old MN thread, 5th comment down has some images from the programme and what a woman thought of it.

Flowers

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/2771084-freedom-programme

eagerlywaitingfor · 31/12/2021 17:32

You know why he confiscates your phone at night, don't you? So he can be as vicious and evil as he likes and you can't call for help.

You need to tell the police what's going on as soon as possible. Tell your dcs' schools as well. He is abusing them by abusing their mother.

BlueSuffragette · 31/12/2021 17:49

OP I'm really worried about you. He's a bully and him taking your phone makes you very very vulnerable. He'll probably be drinking tonight with it being NYE. Please leave ASAP.

WhenwillIlearntoadult · 31/12/2021 17:49

@Stellaestrella
I did the freedom Programme at work. There is no way I could have attended from home, as he would have known. It took two hours a week via zoom. I am very grateful to my employer for giving the time out of my work day. I think it’s an 8 week course (i joined half way through one and then did the next one to catch up, so I don’t remember fully).
Doing this course properly opened my eyes. I had read lots of statements on here, like the ones above saying that you can end a relationship for any reason you choose. I tried to discuss this with ex numerous times but he just wouldn’t allow it!
I think I’d probably still be with him if I hadn’t done Freedom. It was like a slap in the face (much needed).

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2021 18:02

I am so sorry you are being so terribly abused. You now know your mil is not a safe person to talk to or confide in. Your children will thank you for getting out of this situation. I would speak to womens aid and I also think you should involve the police. This is coercive control and domestic abuse, both of which is illegal. They will help you to extricate you from the situation. Taking your phone from you makes you very unsafe. Can you take your children to your family today for a ‘surprise celebration’?

PGSTesting123 · 31/12/2021 18:10

What happens when you say it's my phone you can't have it?

Do your kids have phones?

FictionalCharacter · 31/12/2021 18:16

Oh dear god, he’s dangerous, seriously. Stop analysing and listening to your ridiculous MIL (her opinions are irrelevant) and get help to get away from him. Please. He’s going to hurt you or your kids.

MsGrumpytrousers · 31/12/2021 18:18

This was shared on another thread by someone in an abusive relationship and if you have time to read it, it's a real eye-opener. https://cloudflare-ipfs.com/ipfs/bafykbzacebqiwctor7ugxokmuhgtqkkqevsi5zx7wjs3mb6qyumvx5xnrtca6?filename=Lundy%20Bancroft%20-%20Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20Angry%20and%20Controlling%20Men-Berkley%20Books%20%282003%29.pdf

Sorry about the length of it! OP, please start thinking about how you can end this - please talk to Women's Aid as people have suggested. Don't let your partner know you are leaving as it may make him worse.

Thedogscollar · 31/12/2021 18:19

@Stellaestrella
Your posts are very worrying. Please leave now. This man is a monster.

If you truly love someone you do not treat them like this.

You deserve a better life than this hell you are enduring. I can't for one nano second imagine lying next to my husband at night and feeling scared.

Please please go before this lunatics behaviour escalates further.

As other posters have advised police and women's refuge can help.

Let 2022 be the year you become free to lead a life free of fear for you and your children.

I will be thinking of you tonight. Please stay safe. You can do this. Be free. X

Anycrispsleft · 31/12/2021 18:27

@Stellaestrella

Hi it’s me again. I am listening and appreciate every single reply.

It’s hard because in an ideal world I’d be able to come back and tell you I’ve left or he’s left. Surprise there’s no change. Things are worse if anything and he started drinking again last night after promising to stop. When I asked him about it this morning got told to “ piss off”. He’s now locked the bedroom door so I can’t get in to get my clothes. He’s unbearable to be around and it feels like a pressure cooker in here. Like an explosion is coming. I know I need to leave him but can I just vent a while? I need to get things straightened in my head.

I know I shouldn’t dwell but I can’t help it… I just can’t understand why his mum would minimise this and laugh it off. She just laughs and says “ oh well you’ve made your bed!” I can’t fathom how I would ever do that to another woman even if it were my son they were talking about. Why ?

It's all of a piece, isn't it? Who knows what your MIL's own marriage is like - but it is not surprising, given what he is like, that his mother is the type to minimise his behaviour.
Ellowyn · 31/12/2021 18:27

If you do decide to divorce him make sure you're in a safe place when you first mention it and approach the subject saying it would be better for both of your happiness's if you were to separated.

Greenangeleyes · 31/12/2021 18:30

Often jealous people expect you to be unfaithful because that is exactly what they have done at some point themselves.

Popcornriver · 31/12/2021 18:46

OP as much as it makes me sad to write it, please take note of the poster who suggested deleting your search history. If he's reading through your shopping notebook, he's likely going through your phone as well.

I'm so, so sorry you are dealing with this. Please look at the links others have shared to safely get away. Your fight or flight instinct and feeling that there's something off shouldn't be ignored Flowers

Looubylou · 31/12/2021 18:47

You've had excellent advice already OP. If this period of abuse fizzles out again, do you really want to wait around for the next? It may be 6mth, 2yr, 5 Yr, but it will happen again. It may be worse next time - you are showing him what he can get away with. Set a good example for your children.

skodadoda · 31/12/2021 18:52

@PGSTesting123

What happens when you say it's my phone you can't have it?

Do your kids have phones?

I wondered this too
2022success · 31/12/2021 18:55

Oh OP this man is dangerous and you have to get away. Flowers