Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

[BewilderedPiskie]

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

Thing is, if you are a 'robust swearer' at work, you are giving people the message that you think swearing is OK. You can't expect them magically to know that Fuck is fine by you but that other swear words aren't. Personally, I agree with you that Fuck is different from misogynistic slurs, but not everyone is going to have the same opinion. To some people, it's all just bad language.

The person who bought it probably thought, "BewilderedPiskie is always swearing, so she'll think this is a laugh".

And stop swearing at work. Some of your colleagues are probably as uncomfortable about the swear words that you deem OK as you are about this book.

I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment

They think that because you swear at work. If you want to be treated like a 50 year old professional, stop behaving like an 18 year old on work experience.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say if it was me I would be pushing to find out who it was, as I would feel this was a form of disguised sexual harassment and completely unacceptable. It’s not funny and it’s a way of hiding what would be otherwise unacceptable under the veneer of a joke. At the very least it’s spiteful and inappropriate.

I don’t see why anyone should have to put up with being humiliated and upset at work - bullies have always hidden nastiness under the veneer of “jokes”. If I’d received this I’d be making a formal complaint, kicking up an enormous fuss, and having the work secret Santa banned overall as a result.

But then I’m just a humourless feminist who thinks that women should no longer have to put up with nasty “jokes” at work in order to maintain some kind of social politeness, or to coddle the feelings of spiteful or silly people. No thanks.

THIS ^

Well said, @foxgoosefinch

It’s inappropriate, but I suspect the giver didn’t look very closely to spot the more offensive terms. It’s £3.89 on Amazon - they probably saw cheap, adult colouring, on the cheeky side, that’ll do.
If you don’t like it, just bin it.

fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress

The OP doesn’t once say that she is ‘always swearing’ or that she is making others feel uncomfortable through swearing at work

@NoNotMeNoSiree

Adult colouring suggests that the person doing it has not enough of an artistic gift to actually design and draw and outline themselves to "colour in" or can't be bothered I hope that's tongue in cheek / swiping at the snobs looking down their noses as if it's not, that is just such utter bollocks I personally love colouring as a form of mindfulness/calming anxiety.

Me too. I belong to some online groups and some of the work people produce is outstanding

That's nothing OP. Once I got a used shower cap - one of the free ones from a hotel - complete with a couple of pubes inside.

I left that job soon afterwards anyway.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Thing is, if you are a 'robust swearer' at work, you are giving people the message that you think swearing is OK. You can't expect them magically to know that Fuck is fine by you but that other swear words aren't. Personally, I agree with you that Fuck is different from misogynistic slurs, but not everyone is going to have the same opinion. To some people, it's all just bad language.

The person who bought it probably thought, "BewilderedPiskie is always swearing, so she'll think this is a laugh".

And stop swearing at work. Some of your colleagues are probably as uncomfortable about the swear words that you deem OK as you are about this book.

What a load of handmaidenly rubbish. You find me a workplace or a person who considers the odd “shit” or “fuck” the same as “cum dumpster” or “jizz whore”!

And let please stop with the “they probably didn’t notice” defence when we now know all of the words are clearly on the back - which anyone would be able to see when wrapping up this “gift” insult.

It’s plain and clear sexual harassment under any workplace guidelines, and it’s sad and astonishing how many women on this thread are minimising outright sexism and misogyny as “a bit of fun”.

You find me a workplace or a person who considers the odd “shit” or “fuck” the same as “cum dumpster” or “jizz whore”!
Nobody's said that is OK though?!
The poster you quoted was just saying swearing at work isn't appropriate, not everybody wants to hear it.

Complaining would be pointless and over the top, but I'd really question the intelligence and wisdom of the person who gave it (if I knew or had a hunch who they were). I wouldn't be offended, necessarily, but I'd think it was a crap gift for a work colleague one clearly doesn't know very well. It's not even something almost everyone would like. Their desire to be "amusing" came first, more important than giving something that might be used and enjoyed.

If they suggest doing this again next Christmas, I'd opt out. Don't worry about looking curmudgeonly!

I am lol at being disappointed to be thought of as an adult colourer

OP - it's a bit of a throwaway joke present - they likely bought it from amazon and thought ah @BewilderedPiskie likes a good swear, that'll do for a fiver. I don't think they thought you'd actually do the colouring or even look at each page, and they probably haven't looked at every page themselves so haven't seen that some of the swears are pretty grim.

@NoNotMeNoSiree

You find me a workplace or a person who considers the odd “shit” or “fuck” the same as “cum dumpster” or “jizz whore”! Nobody's said that is OK though?! The poster you quoted was just saying swearing at work isn't appropriate, not everybody wants to hear it.

The poster wrote: “You can't expect them magically to know that Fuck is fine by you but that other swear words aren't. Personally, I agree with you that Fuck is different from misogynistic slurs, but not everyone is going to have the same opinion. To some people, it's all just bad language.”

So yes, she did say that it’s “all just bad language” “to some people”.

@CurryWurstUndPommes

That's nothing OP. Once I got a used shower cap - one of the free ones from a hotel - complete with a couple of pubes inside.

I left that job soon afterwards anyway.

No no no no no why would someone do this?

It is just all bad language to some though.
How are they supposed to know you're fine with say fuck or whatever but you turn your nose up and get offended at others?!
Loads who say fuck are fine with the word c * t for example, if you like a robust swear don't be surprised if people think you like bad language.
(and if you read my other post I have said that I find the misogynistic ones beyond grim, they're vile)

currywurst
(not envy)
Ewwww

@NoNotMeNoSiree

It is just all bad language to some though. How are they supposed to know you're fine with say fuck or whatever but you turn your nose up and get offended at others?! Loads who say fuck are fine with the word c * t for example, if you like a robust swear don't be surprised if people think you like bad language. (and if you read my other post I have said that I find the misogynistic ones beyond grim, they're vile)

How likely is it that HR would accept that as a defence? It’s obvious to most people that calling a woman a whore or a slut is offensive. I’d reasonably expect formal disciplinary action if a called a colleague a cum dumpster or jizz mopper. If this is even something you need to think about, your a liability to your employer and shouldn’t have a job that involves any contact with other people.

@NoNotMeNoSiree

It is just all bad language to some though. How are they supposed to know you're fine with say fuck or whatever but you turn your nose up and get offended at others?! Loads who say fuck are fine with the word c * t for example, if you like a robust swear don't be surprised if people think you like bad language. (and if you read my other post I have said that I find the misogynistic ones beyond grim, they're vile)

You’re being completely disingenuous. You and I both know that you will hardly find a person in the country who doesn’t think there’s a difference between “fuck” - a standard swear word for centuries and acceptable in polite company for decades now - and the vile porn-addled misogynist slur “cum dumpster”.

How many people do you know who find “fuck” genuinely offensive? I can’t think of a single 80 year old or ten year old of my acquaintance who would be shocked.

But “cum dumpster” is clearly beyond any acceptable usual bad language.

You know it and I know it and we all know it.

Would the person (man or woman) who gave this piece of garbage have given it to a man?

This would be fully investigated in my work place and the giver spoken to and possibly given a warning. It's completely unacceptable. I'd also expect management to talk generally to staff about what's ok.

While it's obviously less serious if the giver hadn't spotted the "cum dumpster" etc, it's not a complete excuse. We've surely moved beyond thinking that something can't be inappropriate or offensive simply because it wasn't explicitly intended that way?

Bin it. It's a highly inappropriate present.

One place I worked stopped Secret Santa due to bullying and passive aggressive gifts. There had been a merger with another firm, things were pretty tense as redundancies were looming and the was a lot of duplication of roles.

The Xmas night out and Secret Santa was supposed to make things better but it only made it worse.

I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.

A craze that totally passed me as well but I'd be thrilled to receive adult colouring books as it would give me a chance to throw myself into it with wild abandon.

The interior is absolutely foul. Contrary to many PP, I don't think I'd let that go.

And if by some chance, I had been the sender and accidentally gifted that to someone without checking the contents (I can see why you might not), I would be absolutely MORTIFIED and profusely apologetic.

@ChristmasRobins

This would be fully investigated in my work place and the giver spoken to and possibly given a warning. It's completely unacceptable. I'd also expect management to talk generally to staff about what's ok.

While it's obviously less serious if the giver hadn't spotted the "cum dumpster" etc, it's not a complete excuse. We've surely moved beyond thinking that something can't be inappropriate or offensive simply because it wasn't explicitly intended that way?

Same at my workplace. OP says that there are new people in the team. I think it likely that at my place of work, a new person wouldn’t pass probation if they did this.

Someone upthread said whoever did this would just get a slap on the wrist. But that in the real world is a conversation with you boss or boss’s boss and HR and a note on your file. In my experience sensible people don’t repeat the behaviour. Those that do, get fired.

Wow - what a vile thing to give anyone as a gift! I'd be so annoyed...

I would just bin it if you are offended by it.

They can't have looked in the book or they probably wouldn't have bought it for you!

I wouldn't bring it up. Just stick it in the bin and forget about it.