Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

[BewilderedPiskie]

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

For next year, why don’t you suggest a cheat sheet? Like the girl I was buying for put “fluffy socks, wax melts, soap and glory” so I was able to buy stuff I know she’d appreciate, and I got stuff I will use too. I had never had this before but thought it was genius 😂

I got a friend a sweaty colouring boom years ago, but I don’t remember it being as misogynistic as this to be honest.

@ravenmum

Don't want to post the overview on here directly, but here is a picture of the back of this book: images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/81H8yUD-aaL.jpg Anyone looking at the back of the book would realise that it's more than just sweary.

That would be grounds for disciplinary action in my workplace, no question.

There are a lot of words/phrases on there that are completely unacceptable in a work setting.

Having seen that - I would make a complaint if I had received it.

I'd be escalating this. Even if the person was just too slapdash to notice how offensive this is, they need pulling up on it. It definitely could have been given in order to harass.

I'd bin it but I wouldn't put too much thought into it. Work secret santas are usually something I spend about 10 minutes thinking about and just grab off Amazon. They probably only read the title, went ha that's funny and bought it without realising the sexually inappropriate content.

OP, I think you absolutely must refer it to HR or your manager or whoever the appropriate person is.

It is totally inappropriate for a workplace for anyone, but there is also a risk that someone targeted you personally.

It is offensive and misogynistic behaviour which should be investigated.

Best case scenario, someone didn't check the contents properly and it was a misplaced joke. But still needs to be checked out.

Please do not try and make light of it. These kind of attitudes to women should have zero tolerance.

@eveningbubble

I would not address the group but I would find out who it is from; how many many people in this secret Santa? I would approach the organiser and say I am about to make a complaint. I would find out who this is from and treat them accordingly 'going forward' (and worse but that's me)

Yes me too

Work secret santas are usually something I spend about 10 minutes thinking about and just grab off Amazon. They probably only read the title, went ha that's funny and bought it without realising the sexually inappropriate content.
Same, and this

As someone who ( totally unintentionally) caused offence with a secret Santa I would assume it was someone thinking it would make you laugh and think no more about it . To me the whole point of secret Santa is it’s a bit random and cheeky fun ( so I’d never dream of giving a boring handcream set) but clearly you are put out
Recycle and forget about it
I once got a book mark in the shape of a tongue because “ you like to talk!” 🤔🤔

@NoNotMeNoSiree

Work secret santas are usually something I spend about 10 minutes thinking about and just grab off Amazon. They probably only read the title, went ha that's funny and bought it without realising the sexually inappropriate content. Same, and this

Spending 5 minutes picking out some bath bombs or chocolates, fine. But buying a risky swearing book, you’d really double check the contents, wouldn’t you?

Work secret santas are usually something I spend about 10 minutes thinking about and just grab off Amazon
Definitely. If it was a John Grisham book you'd hardly even glance at it while wrapping it. But if you were grabbing a book with swearwords in it, you'd give it a quick check to make sure they were the sort of swearwords you'd be OK with being associated with, right? You'd look at the back of the book: images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/81H8yUD-aaL.jpg

If you don’t like it, bin or recycle.

You’d be making a fool of yourself if you do anything more than this.

@Kshhuxnxk

Perhaps it's a hint at your robust swearing that may be offending someone else? Maybe tone down your language in your professional workplace and bin the colouring book.

I thought exactly the same thing

** That’s genuinely horrible.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say if it was me I would be pushing to find out who it was, as I would feel this was a form of disguised sexual harassment and completely unacceptable. It’s not funny and it’s a way of hiding what would be otherwise unacceptable under the veneer of a joke. At the very least it’s spiteful and inappropriate.

I don’t see why anyone should have to put up with being humiliated and upset at work - bullies have always hidden nastiness under the veneer of “jokes”.**

^Completely agree with this.

Very sad to see that even in 2021, people are still advising not to mention a book full of sluts, whores and cum dumpsters because it might be embarrasing for the recipient to act as if she did not find it funny.

So some people wouldn't even bother to look at the back of the book and think that words such as cunt cake and cum dumpster aren't just a little bit innapproriate for a work colleague you barely know. Really? I would either think the gift buyer is really thick. Or lying. Neither are great characteristics.

I would wonder what other poor judgements that person might be making at a business level

You admit to liking ‘a robust swear’. Is that at work? If it is, I expect that they ordered from Amazon and didn’t look closely. There’s so many threads on here moaning about unwanted generic gifts of Bath stuff and chocs perhaps they were just trying to get something else. I’d maybe just keep it, see if anything else untowards happens and use it as evidence if it does. I suspect it’s just another rubbish secret Santa present!

@Wreath21

Before you run squealing to HR, have a think about whether anyone in your team has ever shown any creepy, aggressive or inappropriate behaviour (either towards you or towards your colleagues.) It is more likely that the giver just thought it would be funny and didn't look at it in much detail, but if there have been previous 'jokes' or offensive remarks that startled or upset other people it might be worth putting the word out that this was rude and unfunny.

It's the sort of thing I might have bought for one or two of my colleagues as I know them well enough to know they would find it amusing - and if you are quite sweary at work then the most likely explanation really is that someone thought you would take the joke in good part.

Only you know your colleagues. Have a think about whether one or more are unpleasant enough to make this worth pursuing - and whether you want to risk becoming the office screaming funsponge/snitch and creating an unpleasant working atmosphere.

I don’t think the OP would be the “office screaming funsponge/snitch” or the one creating an unpleasant working atmosphere! I personally (as do many others on this thread) do not see any fun for the OP in this situation and whoever bought this (and thought it appropriate) should be called out on it. Plus, it is not the OP who is creating the unpleasant working atmosphere here!

The OP should not just ignore this, as whoever thought this was an appropriate gift will probably just do the same (or worse), for next year’s Secret Santa. What if the receiver is more vulnerable than the OP next time? Anyone who thinks this is appropriate, or just fun, is seriously misguided and should be brought to book!

But the workplace is not the place for misogynist humour. That’s the law and anyone who works in a professional environment should know that.

@karmakameleon There's no law against humour, especially in a book. I mean, someone could try and go to the police about that. Obviously if it's humourous jokes made about a work colleague at their expense, that's different.

Some people just have this kind of 'rough' humour. I'm not necessarily one of them, but the giver is far from the only person on this earth who would find this funny.

I suppose OP could go to HR if they want. It's different giving a one -off gift to if the bloke was going around telling coarse jokes all the time. Either way, HR would just give him a slap on the wrist.

@ravenmum

Very sad to see that even in 2021, people are still advising not to mention a book full of sluts, whores and cum dumpsters because it might be embarrasing for the recipient to act as if she did not find it funny.

Exactly. The only reason not to report is if the employer has a poor track record of handling cases like this appropriately. And if that’s the case, I’d be asking if I really wanted to work there.

@TheLovelinessOfBaublyDemons our work one sounds like that. It consisted of chocolates, candles, scarf and glove sets etc. A few less offensive "keep calm and drink tea" coaster type gifts too. Certainly not anything like the OP has been given. That's at best very ill judged.

@me4real

I hope you don’t work in HR or have any people management responsibilities. If you do, you may need a basic course on employment and equalities law.

@ImprobablePuffin

Missing the point of the thread entirely but I never realised there was such a stigma attached to be an adult 'colourer' - does anyone know why or what is wrong with it?

Adult colouring suggests that the person doing it has not enough of an artistic gift to actually design and draw and outline themselves to "colour in" or can't be bothered. It also suggests they have a lot of time on their hands to produce something unoriginal.

Oh dear, you'd hate to work in our business OP. Within our company, we work in professional, busy and highly stressful roles and Secret Santa creates carnage each year - largely because there's a competition to buy the most offensive/funny gift. This includes bottles of good whiskey that have been partly opened leaving the receiver to believe someone had either put something in it, or perhaps took a photo of it up their bum (sadly I'm not joking.), hair dye (for a colleague that has an allergy to it), various calenders/cups/items with inappropriate printed images... You get the idea. Everyone knows Secret Santa is a bit shit, so uses the opportunity to buy funny things. There are 90 of us and because of the nature of the role, we know each other very well and support each other in occasionally dangerous situations. I'd bin it and forget it OP; don't participate next year.

@karmakameleon I look forward to the outcome if OP goes to HR. He will just be told he's been a bad boy sharing crude humour someone else happened not to like and told not to do stuff like that again.

Sling it out with the contempt it deserves and don't take part next year.