Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed I'm teetotal and he's still drinking?

82 replies

TrianglesofSurprise · 28/12/2021 18:26

I feel really annoyed and really unreasonable in equal measures so would love your honest thoughts. I realised after last Christmas and New Year that DH has a serious drinking problem. I spent time researching what to do and asked for advice on mumsnet and it was clear that I needed to give up drinking in order to avoid 'enabling' him. If he saw me with a drink he'd see it as an excuse to get totally drunk openly. I was a hypocrite if I complained, or 'you were also drunk you just didn't realise' even though I rarely had more than a glass. If I had one shot of gin out of a bottle he could argue maybe it was also me and I didn't realise how big my measures are when the bottle is empty a day or so later. So last March with a lot of regret initially I gave up alcohol completely. I didn't drink a lot but it was part of how I relaxed after work, and I enjoyed it as part of special occasions. I want to help him and I understand it's an illness he needs external help for, I was happy to give it up to support his progress. I do feel better without it.

Well since then he's just carried on drinking more and more and made no effort to get any help. I couldn't face Christmas with him and have just come back after Christmas with my family to a big pile of washing up and empty bottles for me to recycle. His mum came over yesterday so there's 2 used glasses, my beautiful wine glasses by the sink. The ones I bought last Christmas imagining all the lovely celebrations we had ahead of us. I'm writing on here to fight the urge to smash them as I suddenly feel so angry. Why are they enjoying a glass of Christmas bubbly in my beautiful glasses when I can't drink it because he's the one with the drinking problem!!!!

OP posts:

HippeePrincess · 28/12/2021 18:29

Is he actually alcohol dependent?
Why did you think you giving up alcohol would have any effect?
Someone has to recognise they have a problem /addiction and want to change there’s not much anyone else can do about it prior to this stage.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 28/12/2021 18:31

Did you agree to go teetotal together?

He isn't going to change by the sound of it, so your choice is to leave and live your life as you wish, or stay and live as you are. Only you can decide which is more bearable for you.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2021 18:32

Has he actually acknowledged he has a problem and does he even know you not drinking is linked to him drinking too much? I think you’re over estimating how much effect you going teetotal is likely to have on his behaviour.

Sorry you’re in this position-it’s very hard having a loved one who drinks too much.

Waspsarearseholes · 28/12/2021 18:33

From my own experience, alcoholics are master liars and manipulators. They will do anything they can to minimise their addiction and normalise their drinking (until the time comes where they are beyond caring/able to). This is not your fault yet he is trying his best to make you believe it is. This is all on him and nothing you can do can make him stop. I'm so sorry to sound so negative but my late partner died before he was 40 because of alcohol. I've been through any and all stages of it and it rarely ends well. Feel free to message me if you wish. Please know this isn't something you can help him with until he 1) recognise he needs it and 2) wants to accept the help.

IsDaveThere · 28/12/2021 18:34

YABU - just because you decided to go teetotal didn't mean he ever would. I agree that it looks like he has a problem but you stopping drinking was never going to fix it so being angry because someone has had a drink from your nice wine glasses when you haven't is nuts.

runningfromtheoutlaws · 28/12/2021 18:34

You can drink. He will only try and stop if he wants to, also its very difficult for someone who has a drink problem to stop. Re the housework, thats a separate issue. Was he alone for xmas?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/12/2021 18:36

He's an alcoholic, plain and simple. And has absolutely no interest in getting help for it - hence why he deflected onto your drinking.

Chances are if you say anything, he'll accuse you of drinking in secret, being 'Little Miss Perfect' or being the real alcoholic as you 'needed to stop'.

Honestly, from experience with this sort of person - get rid.

Then you can enjoy your normal levels of alcohol consumption in peace.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2021 18:39

You might as well start enjoying your own modest tipples again.

He is an alcoholic You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.

He makes his choice every time he has a drink independent of you. What you need to decide is whether you are willing to live with it or not.

Borderterrierpuppy · 28/12/2021 18:40

I am confused, did he actually agree he has a problem, agree to the plan? It sounds like he has absolutely no intention of stopping drinking so I think you have to decide how you feel about that. You also get to decide if you drink or not, unrelated to his status.

Original poster

TrianglesofSurprise · 28/12/2021 18:43

thank you, these responses are making me feel better already. I know I am being unreasonable I'm just so angry I'm stuck in such a stupid situation.

Yes I told him what I was doing and that I hoped it would help. He said he'd 'try' to stop, speak to his GP, go to AA etc. I know I get it, it's an illness he can't help, I can't help it it's all out of our fucking control, I just have to sit back and watch alcohol destroy our lives, while sipping my glass of tonic. He's been drinking in secret for a while now but there was just something about the wine glasses so openly sat there. I've spoken to his mum, she was so concerned she started looking into rehab clinics but he refused to go, then she's turned up and shared drinks with him.

OP posts:

Heartbroker · 28/12/2021 18:45

So you’ve only stopped drinking in a passive aggressive attempt to control him. Lovely.

LakeShoreD · 28/12/2021 18:46

You’re not responsible in any way shape or form for his relationship with alcohol. If he’s not even willing to acknowledge he has a problem and the relationship is so bad you can’t face Christmas with him then I’d question why you’re with him at all tbh.

Coop80 · 28/12/2021 18:46

Have you considered having a "dry" house policy where no alcohol is brought in ?

mintbiscuit · 28/12/2021 18:48

YABVU to think that that going teetotal will make him stop drinking and then resenting him for the fact you can’t have a drink.

Resent the fact his has a problem and that he is not prepared to do something about it. He is the one with the problem and you need to think about your own needs here.

HippeePrincess · 28/12/2021 18:49

Just leave him, it isn’t going to get better and no it isn’t an illness imo.
I’m so much happier now I’m no longer married to and living with an addict.

Original poster

TrianglesofSurprise · 28/12/2021 18:49

Yes! Maybe I have @Heartbroker I'm really glad you said that as I've been trying to work out why he's so resistant, he's definitely drank more since I gave up. I do think this is how he sees it and maybe that is what I've done. I will never drink again, I actually hate alcohol I don't want it in my life. So how do I help then? Start buying his drinks in the weekly shop again? If he's going to drink it's probably better he does it openly at home than on the way home from work as he's doing at the moment.

OP posts:

Wreath21 · 28/12/2021 18:49

Whether you drink or not will have little or no effect on his drinking. He will stop or get help when he wants to do so and not before.
TBH you not drinking could be percieved by him as pious virtue-signalling and nagging which justifies or excuses him drinking even more.
As PP said, you have to decide whether the good points of life with him make up for the drinking and, if they don't, start making plans to leave him.

TBH I also wonder how much of a drink problem your H has. You say that you realised he drinks too much and informed him of this, followed by an announcement that you were going to set him a Good Example and he should copy you. Some people are enormously pissy about the amount others drink ie anyone who drinks more than them must be an alcoholic. If he just likes a drink but has had a year of nagging and whining from you based entirely on shit you read on the internet, then maybe your virtue-signalling is part of the problem.

Either way, if you are unhappy in the relationship, no matter who is right or wrong about the drinking, it's probably time to end it.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/12/2021 18:50

Sorry OP, but it sounds like you unilaterally made the decision that he was going to stop drinking. Might I ask if you informed him of this decision?

Truly this is a very odd approach if I’ve interpreted the chain of events.

-You decide he is an alcoholic (with MN help, of course)
-You decide you will give up drinking
-You are now upset that he is drinking
-You are upset that you aren’t drinking

I hope I’m missing a whole lot of backstory here, because if not this was doomed to fail from the start.

Might I suggest some support for you Al-anon works with family and may offer tools for you going forward. But be prepared as the first rule to an addict is they have to want it for themselves

FreedomFaith · 28/12/2021 18:51

Why on earth did you think you stopping would help him to stop?

Addicts can't be forced to stop, or begged, pleaded with, guilted etc. They can only fully stop and actually take action when they are ready to. Anything you do until then is almost pointless, you can only either be there for them when they realise they need help, or walk away entirely. But you cannot enable them or do anything else, otherwise they will never stop.

Either walk away or tell him you will only help him when he realises he needs help. Personally I'd leave. He's not ready to change.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2021 18:52

In your last message you are still trying to find ways to control his drinking

It won’t work

Wreath21 · 28/12/2021 18:52

OK, I posted before your update appeared - but the fact that you cannot control or influence his drinking remains true.
Probably best to think about leaving.

(Oh, and having a 'dry' home won't work either unless he's locked in it and given no access to money. Which TBH is enormously unethical even when it comes to addictions.)

Elieza · 28/12/2021 18:52

Your mum is not the problem. She appears to have accepted he won’t change. DH is the problem not her.

He will very likely not change. Sadly.

You have given him a good example of what can be achieved. It’s all you can do. You can accept him as he is or leave him. I’d suggest the latter as he will destroy the lives of everyone in his path including you.

Seek support yourself from charities that support the families of alcoholics.

Original poster

TrianglesofSurprise · 28/12/2021 18:57

@saltinesandcoffeecups it was more like this:

He is unconscious by 6pm most nights and pissing the bed
It dawns on my that the vats of home brew in the garage that I haven't had a taste of in over a year can't all have been 'bad batches' and in fact he's drinking vast quantities
He starts arriving home from work 'merry' and 'taking a flask of home brew for my mate at work' a few too many times
I ask for advice, stop drinking you're enabling him is the message I get back
I discuss it with him, he agrees to get help I give up drinking in the hope it helps, it also means I'm not buying alcohol for him to drink. I can't buy a bottle in the family food shop and tell him he can't drink it it's all mine can I.
It gets worse I talk to him with his mum and we all agree he needs help.

OP posts:

Coop80 · 28/12/2021 18:57

My point about a dry house was more about having an environment where drink wasn't seen as the norm, although I'm sure there is probably a better way of doing it, it was just something that worked in my experience. Unfortunately until he wants to change he wont if hes in the grips of addiction I would also echo the suggestion of talking to al anon for support in this too

coconuthead · 28/12/2021 18:58

Your approach here is all wrong. He won't give up unless he wants to, doesn't matter what you do- you can't control it.

Flip

1 2 3 4