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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed I'm teetotal and he's still drinking?

82 replies

TrianglesofSurprise · 28/12/2021 18:26

I feel really annoyed and really unreasonable in equal measures so would love your honest thoughts. I realised after last Christmas and New Year that DH has a serious drinking problem. I spent time researching what to do and asked for advice on mumsnet and it was clear that I needed to give up drinking in order to avoid 'enabling' him. If he saw me with a drink he'd see it as an excuse to get totally drunk openly. I was a hypocrite if I complained, or 'you were also drunk you just didn't realise' even though I rarely had more than a glass. If I had one shot of gin out of a bottle he could argue maybe it was also me and I didn't realise how big my measures are when the bottle is empty a day or so later. So last March with a lot of regret initially I gave up alcohol completely. I didn't drink a lot but it was part of how I relaxed after work, and I enjoyed it as part of special occasions. I want to help him and I understand it's an illness he needs external help for, I was happy to give it up to support his progress. I do feel better without it.

Well since then he's just carried on drinking more and more and made no effort to get any help. I couldn't face Christmas with him and have just come back after Christmas with my family to a big pile of washing up and empty bottles for me to recycle. His mum came over yesterday so there's 2 used glasses, my beautiful wine glasses by the sink. The ones I bought last Christmas imagining all the lovely celebrations we had ahead of us. I'm writing on here to fight the urge to smash them as I suddenly feel so angry. Why are they enjoying a glass of Christmas bubbly in my beautiful glasses when I can't drink it because he's the one with the drinking problem!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TrianglesofSurprise · 28/12/2021 19:36

Thank you all this advice is really helpful, I am reading it all. I am still in the relationship because I feel he is ill. He began drinking heavily after his dad died, who also had a drink problem and strangely it feels like he's drinking in tribute to him or something. We used to really enjoy a drink together, he brewed his own wine and I grew the fruit for it on my allotment, it was great. Of course I would say to anyone else leaving a relationship due to alcohol dependency isn't stupid, but it just does to me for myself, I just feel like why can't he stop drinking to excess, what a stupid thing to throw our family life away for.

OP posts:
nzborn · 28/12/2021 19:38

I think you are very brave to give up alcohol to try and help your partner stop I hope that he finds both the desire and strength to stop.

Fleetheart · 28/12/2021 19:41

@TrianglesofSurprise of course it is stupid!! but he’s making that decision not you. you have to make the right decision for your children. is this how their childhood should be? they haven’t chosen anything

RealBecca · 28/12/2021 19:44

You can try going under it, around it, over it but eventually you have to go through it.

Or accept the slow drip by drip of your life passing by.

Kids are never a good enough reason. Imagine telling them on the 18th birthday you stayed for them. It's a piss poor excuse and not actually true, you're staying because you're scared to move on.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/12/2021 19:44

why can't he stop drinking to excess, what a stupid thing to throw our family life away for

Because he doesn't love you or the family life. He loves the feeling of drinking.

DramaAlpaca · 28/12/2021 19:46

OP, your heart was in the right place when you stopped drinking hoping that he would too.

Unfortunately, this approach can't and won't work. The only person who can make him stop is him. You can't control this, you can only control your reaction to it. Only he can fix this and he has to really want to. It won't be easy.

I wish you the best of luck.

pointythings · 28/12/2021 19:47

Everything has been said by previous posters. The only people you can save in this situation are your DC and yourself. You don't mention how old the DC are - but you need to know that living with an alcoholic is incredibly damaging to children. Not only does it put them at greater risk of becoming alcohol dependent themselves, it also does damage in the short term as their alcoholic parent spirals into non-functional alcoholism, develops major health issues and dies young. Your DH is paralytic by 6 pm, drinking secretly and pissing the bed - he is a loooong way along that road. You owe it to your DC to take them out of that situation.

I left it far too late and my DDs are still working through it in therapy ages 18 and 20. My husband is dead - he died 12 days before the decree nisi came through, alone in the flat he had to move into because of his alcohol-fuelled behaviour.

You need to attend Al-Anon (you can do this online!) not just to learn how to deal with your own feelings but also to learn how to detach from him with love. There are children in the mix - any other choice is irresponsible.

Northernlassie1974 · 28/12/2021 19:47

It's not a stupid thing to throw your marriage away for.

  1. You mention your children- break the cycle-you suspect his father being an alcoholic has contributed. This could be your children future if nothing changes. A parent as an alcoholic is an adverse childhood experience.
  2. As someone with a relative with serious addiction problems, ive learnt they have to hit rock bottom to recognise there is a problem and to beging to come back up. He hasn't recognised its an issue or won't admit it to himself. For my relative it was ending up homeless as family stopped taking him in. Was horrendous and went against every fibre of being for our family, but as advised he wouldn't do anything to improve things until he wanted to himself and had hit the absolute bottom. This turned out to be very true. For your husband, his wife and children leaving him may be 'the thing' that makes him realise he has a serious issue. It may not, but if that's the case, then you really can't continue to live like you are.
  3. I know its easy for everyone on here to say 'leave him' like it's easy. Totally understand its not that simple. But if there is somewhere you can go, even temporarily, it may be for the best and may be enough for him to take a look at the situation.

So sorry you are going through this, from your posts it is clear that you can see he has a serious issue and that passing out by 6pm and wetting the bed is not normal behaviour. Not spending Christmas with him is also a huge indication of how bad it has got. Sending hugs and support x

RealBecca · 28/12/2021 19:47

You can say what a stupid thing to throw the family away over about anything. Drinking, drugs, domestic abuse, porn, cheating. It all comes down to choosing something else. Usually for a prolonged period.

Many people lose parents and have to carry on. Its shit but its life, not an excuse.

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 19:48

@TrianglesofSurprise

Isn't me going to meetings the exact same point though. Why do I have to give up my free time (and leave my kids with an alcoholic in the evenings) to go to a meeting to discuss his alcohol problem when he won't do the same thing? Maybe it is over and I do need to leave. It just seems such a stupid thing to end a 17 year marriage for. I really didn't see it ending like this.
@TrianglesofSurprise Flowers Please believe me it is not 'such a stupid thing' to end a marriage for. If ever there is a reason, this is it. His drinking his life away to the extent it will kill him is not doing you any good watching it. It will destroy you watching him kill himself. Alcohol abuse is a truly terrible thing and it claims more victims than just the alcoholic. Your life will never be the same. You will forever be changed, damaged and traumatised by seeing the man you loved and married be an incontinent mess. It will get worse, look up Alcohol Induced Dementia. There was a case on here some months back where a man in his 20s is a wreck, can barely walk, speak or write, and pisses himself. This, is the future for your husband, and it will happen sooner than later.

You can beg him to get help, even print of articles about young people with A.I.D pissing themselves and losing the use of their legs and vocal chords, and hope that it helps him see sense. But the only thing you can control, are your actions. You cannot help him, he has to really want to grasp something to live for, whether it be the threat of losing his marriage to you, or his job, his mobility and health and speech even. But, do you really want to stay around and watch him deteriorate to such an extent that it traumatises you for life? Sometimes you need to save yourself, put yourself first, and protect yourself by getting out. Don't stay to watch your heart broken and soul destroyed as his health descends. Look after yourself and get out of the relationship now, and try to protect any DC you have by doing so.

GoddamnCars · 28/12/2021 19:49

The book 'Codependent no more' is a great starting point for separating his actions from your feelings of responsibility or anything like that; trying not to word this in an assuming way! It is mainly based on relationships with people who are dependent on alcohol. It's quite old but very relatable if you have any issues with getting stressed about a family members behaviour, for whatever reason.

LaChanticleer · 28/12/2021 19:50

Why do I have to give up my free time (and leave my kids with an alcoholic in the evenings) to go to a meeting to discuss his alcohol problem when he won't do the same thing?

I gather that in Al-Anon the focus is on you not the alcoholic - to help you focus on your life and your feelings.

Aren't there the 3 C's?

You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure him

If he wants to die a slow death by alcohol, that is his shit to sort out. You should do what you want to do. This may mean leaving your DH to ensure that your children aren't corrupted by being brought up in a house where someone is alcohol-dependent.

GoldenBlue · 28/12/2021 19:57

@TrianglesofSurprise

Thank you all this advice is really helpful, I am reading it all. I am still in the relationship because I feel he is ill. He began drinking heavily after his dad died, who also had a drink problem and strangely it feels like he's drinking in tribute to him or something. We used to really enjoy a drink together, he brewed his own wine and I grew the fruit for it on my allotment, it was great. Of course I would say to anyone else leaving a relationship due to alcohol dependency isn't stupid, but it just does to me for myself, I just feel like why can't he stop drinking to excess, what a stupid thing to throw our family life away for.
If he doesn't choose to stop drinking it is him ending the marriage not you. No one should stay in a marriage with someone in that stage of alcoholism and denial.

You cannot make someone give up drinking, it is a choice that they need to make themselves.

It is hard, and requires lots of will power so they need to be very motivated. It requires an active choice not to drink each and every day. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make this happen and all you can do is minimise the damage to yourself by getting out before you are broken.

Time to mourn the loss of the relationship you want and imagine you could have with him, it's not real I'm afraid.

Summerfun54321 · 28/12/2021 20:01

You’re not throwing the marriage away, he is. You’ve tried the gentle encouraging approach by not buying alcohol and unfortunately it hasn’t work. Now it’s time for some harsh ultimatums. Either he gets help or he leaves. No adult or child should be expected to live in a household with a grown man who passes out drunk and pisses the bed every night.

QuestionNumberOne · 28/12/2021 20:02

Don’t do it to yourself kids - protecting this behaviour and normalising it. By living with it.

You can’t change him but should you and your kids be sharing a home with a daily drunk-to- unconsciousness, incontinent adult?

QuestionNumberOne · 28/12/2021 20:02

*don’t do it to your kids I mean!

Original poster
TrianglesofSurprise · 28/12/2021 20:05

I feel lot less angry now, this has helped. You're all right, I'm part of the dynamic so I need to remove the kids from it all, it's the bit I can change. I used to think because he just goes to sleep when he drinks it wouldn't affect them, but as it's got earlier and earlier and the kids are getting older they're obviously aware he's falling asleep too early and ruining meals, events, etc because he sleeps through everything. I think in a way he's already left me but can't face telling me. @GoddamnCars thank you for the book suggestion I've just found it cheap 2nd hand so I'm going to give it a go. I like the tagline, I think I do try to control people, I am an anxious person and I try to control my environment to feel calmer, his drinking tips my anxiety off because I can't trust how he will behave or what he'll do next.

OP posts:
FOJN · 28/12/2021 20:07

You stopping drinking won't help him, in fact it reinforces his excuses for drinking because you have essentially agreed he drinks because of external factors and if only the conditions were right he would be able to stop.. Yor life circumstances don't make you an alcoholic and they don't stop you getting sober. The disease is within him and only he can take action to help himself.

Al Anon is to help you not to a place for you to discuss he addiction. You can contact them on the national helpline number, link below if you are in the UK. They will be able to put you in touch with someone who has been where you are and who you can talk to without pressure to take any particular course of action.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/helpline/

It is not a stupid thing to end a marriage over, you do not have to endure living with an active alcoholic. In some cases staying with an active alcoholic and behaving as if you must play a part in their recovery is enabling as it protects them from the real consequences of their drinking. You cannot fix what you did not break and if he gets sober after you leave (if that's what you decide to do) it is not because you caused his drinking but because he will finally have lost something significant enough to make him want to do something about his addiction.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 28/12/2021 20:08

My Dad died when he was the age that I am now through alcohol abuse. And last week I went to the funeral of my dear cousin, who was my very best friend when we were children. She drank herself to death. Alcohol addiction is a very terrible thing. Sorry to be so bleak. I think most of the posters on here are right - he has to want to stop himself, you can't control or cure him. But I salute you for trying your best by stopping drinking. Flowers

DroopyClematis · 28/12/2021 20:09

Unless he wants to stop then he wont.
You going dry was possibly a bit controlling but you cannot control his drinking. Only he can .
Your lovely wine glasses have nothing to do with this.

You need to decide whether to stick with him until he reaches rock bottom or leave him to it/kick him out.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/12/2021 20:21

@TrianglesofSurprise

Isn't me going to meetings the exact same point though. Why do I have to give up my free time (and leave my kids with an alcoholic in the evenings) to go to a meeting to discuss his alcohol problem when he won't do the same thing? Maybe it is over and I do need to leave. It just seems such a stupid thing to end a 17 year marriage for. I really didn't see it ending like this.
Actually no. It’s you learning about what will and won’t work with an addict and supporting you as you decide what your limit is and where your boundaries are.

I’ll be the first to say I have no tolerance for alcoholism and wouldn’t live with it in my family. I also won’t change my healthy drinking habits because of someone who has a problem. If they are serious about changing then my scotch or wine in the house won’t be their undoing. If it is, then they need to decide where their boundary is.

FWIW, it is a crap thing to end a marriage over and I am sorry for it. But the cold reality is that nothing you do or don’t do is going to change him. The only thing you can control about the situation is how you react to it.

Elieza · 28/12/2021 20:30

I feel your pain OP.

I’ve had one alcoholic bf that I had to leave, and one stepparent who drank themselves to death and one parent who is still slowly doing the same but hiding it.

It’s very difficult to stand by and do nothing. I did what you did at first. But no amount of begging, pleading, threatening or reasoning can make them do what we all needs to be done, to give up the drink.

Your comment about:
“6. It gets worse I talk to him with his mum and we all agree he needs help.”
It doesn’t matter that you both know he needs help, he is the only one that can seek it. It has to be his choice.

It could be that if you take the children and leave him it gives him such a fright he actually does re-evaluate things. Leaving him may be the boot up the arse he needs.

Oh and expect that there will be all kinds of nasty talk and threats of suicide. Just phone the police to do a welfare check on him when he starts that suicide crap. It’s in an effort to control you so he can continue drinking as usual.

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful but it’s up to him to sort. It’s up to you to make sure dc get a good childhood. Being around him isn’t adding anything positive to that. I’d go.

Suretobe · 28/12/2021 20:40

He simply hasn’t reached rock bottom and this could go on for years and years - do you really want you and your children to spend the next decade like this?

LittleMG · 28/12/2021 20:50

I’m so sorry op Sad but in my experience- once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. So sorry if people read this and are offended. I don’t mean to upset, but I’ve been on the receiving end so many times I can’t help but think there isn’t anything you can do. You can try and try to help but ultimately you won’t beat an alcoholic. Especially one who doesn’t want to stop. It’s heartbreaking but there it is.

Dozer · 28/12/2021 21:40

I think you’ve over simplified the MNetters’ advice from a year ago: v much doubt this was limited to ‘stop drinking alcohol yourself’.

You’re a year on: things are worse.

You have better options than staying in the relationship. Staying in the relationship might even make it even more unlikely that your H will get sober.