AIBU to be annoyed I'm teetotal and he's still drinking?

[TrianglesofSurprise]

I feel really annoyed and really unreasonable in equal measures so would love your honest thoughts. I realised after last Christmas and New Year that DH has a serious drinking problem. I spent time researching what to do and asked for advice on mumsnet and it was clear that I needed to give up drinking in order to avoid 'enabling' him. If he saw me with a drink he'd see it as an excuse to get totally drunk openly. I was a hypocrite if I complained, or 'you were also drunk you just didn't realise' even though I rarely had more than a glass. If I had one shot of gin out of a bottle he could argue maybe it was also me and I didn't realise how big my measures are when the bottle is empty a day or so later. So last March with a lot of regret initially I gave up alcohol completely. I didn't drink a lot but it was part of how I relaxed after work, and I enjoyed it as part of special occasions. I want to help him and I understand it's an illness he needs external help for, I was happy to give it up to support his progress. I do feel better without it.

Well since then he's just carried on drinking more and more and made no effort to get any help. I couldn't face Christmas with him and have just come back after Christmas with my family to a big pile of washing up and empty bottles for me to recycle. His mum came over yesterday so there's 2 used glasses, my beautiful wine glasses by the sink. The ones I bought last Christmas imagining all the lovely celebrations we had ahead of us. I'm writing on here to fight the urge to smash them as I suddenly feel so angry. Why are they enjoying a glass of Christmas bubbly in my beautiful glasses when I can't drink it because he's the one with the drinking problem!!!!

@TrianglesofSurprise

Yes! Maybe I have *@Heartbroker* I'm really glad you said that as I've been trying to work out why he's so resistant, he's definitely drank more since I gave up. I do think this is how he sees it and maybe that is what I've done. I will never drink again, I actually hate alcohol I don't want it in my life. So how do I help then? Start buying his drinks in the weekly shop again? If he's going to drink it's probably better he does it openly at home than on the way home from work as he's doing at the moment.

Is he drinking and driving? Report him. Might be the scare he needs

I think you just need to decide if you are happy to spend the rest of your life with him as he is, not how you hope he will be but as he is right now. He is unlikely to change. If you aren’t happy then leave. I couldn’t stay married to an alcoholic.

All the best op

Isn't me going to meetings the exact same point though. Why do I have to give up my free time (and leave my kids with an alcoholic in the evenings) to go to a meeting to discuss his alcohol problem when he won't do the same thing? Maybe it is over and I do need to leave. It just seems such a stupid thing to end a 17 year marriage for. I really didn't see it ending like this.

@Wreath21

Whether you drink or not will have little or no effect on his drinking. He will stop or get help when he wants to do so and not before. TBH you not drinking could be percieved by him as pious virtue-signalling and nagging which justifies or excuses him drinking even more. As PP said, you have to decide whether the good points of life with him make up for the drinking and, if they don't, start making plans to leave him.

TBH I also wonder how much of a drink problem your H has. You say that you realised he drinks too much and informed him of this, followed by an announcement that you were going to set him a Good Example and he should copy you. Some people are enormously pissy about the amount others drink ie anyone who drinks more than them must be an alcoholic. If he just likes a drink but has had a year of nagging and whining from you based entirely on shit you read on the internet, then maybe your virtue-signalling is part of the problem.

Either way, if you are unhappy in the relationship, no matter who is right or wrong about the drinking, it's probably time to end it.

Agree with all of this. Sounds like he drinks too much but your approach has probably made things worse not better. You can't guilt trip or manipulate someone into not drinking. Some non drinkers tend to pathologise all alcohol consumption in my experience and piously take the moral high ground if more than a thimble full is consumed. X 2 now ex friends we no longer see due to how they behave towards us and others just because we're having a drink and they're not, you can't force your views and moral standpoint on anyone else.

"Alcoholic" is a very outdated term by the way, no longer used by reputable substance misuse services and the AA approach although works for some, has come under some justified criticism in recent years. There are reports of ex attendees being traumatised by going to aa! It's quite cult like. Like I say if it works though, fair enough.

I think it’s nice of partners to be supportive and do things to help the person but YABU if you think he should give up drinking completely.

@Glowtastic I don't know about moral superiority but for me it's the unconsciousness so early in the evening that tends to me a bit of a downer. Pissy is certainly a good way to describe it.

This is not a stupid reason to end a marriage! It is a very valid, perfectly understandable and sensible reason!
Sorry you are going through this, OP.

Seriously you do need to leave. Look at what this is teaching your kids.

If he he reaches rock bottom and if he gives up then perhaps you can reconcile.

You going to meetings is essentially to help you come to terms with the 3C’s

If it’s an Illness, he is refusing treatment as he doesn’t believe he is ill. You can’t change him, or make him see what he’s doing, or make him stop drinking. You can’t save him. He has to want to change. So you either live with it or leave. You have a child to consider in this too, do you want them to think this behaviour is ok?

The way I look at it is it cant hurt to just ring or email al anon or any other organisation and just lay it out to them as you have to us and say "You're the pros what do you suggest I do?" Or maybe see if they can offer you support going forward dealing with whatever you decide to do

@TrianglesofSurprise, I understand exactly how you feel; I’ve been in a similar position. I used to stop drinking around my Ex DP and then get annoyed if he got pissed. he had a v big problem. as others say it’s actually up to him and you can’t control it. What you can do is say to him;. this is my boundary I don’t want to live like this. if you want to drink like this then I can’t live with you any more.

Don’t take any more. I say this with experience. nothing works until they choose their path; and your boundaries are the most important for you. also agree al anon is a good support. good luck

It’s not a stupid reason to end a marriage. Generally, people with alcohol dependency ruin every relation they have which isn’t with alcohol. Marriages, parent/child, everything. They also damage their childrens ability to foster good relationships too, and I’m sorry to say this, so are you

@TrianglesofSurprise

Isn't me going to meetings the exact same point though. Why do I have to give up my free time (and leave my kids with an alcoholic in the evenings) to go to a meeting to discuss his alcohol problem when he won't do the same thing? Maybe it is over and I do need to leave. It just seems such a stupid thing to end a 17 year marriage for. I really didn't see it ending like this.

I guess the meetings wouldn't be about him though, it would be about you and how you might handle the situation and help you realise how powerless you are over it. I don't know why people are suggesting you must be the problem because you've given up drinking - are they suggesting it's fine for him to be out of it at 6pm and pissing the bed?? Maybe the problem is that they drink to much themselves and take any criticism of drinkers personally.

Alcoholism is not a stupid thing to end a marriage for.

This is why they call alcoholism the family disease! it affects everyone at around an alcoholic. and because you need support to create the right boundaries that’s why al anon will be useful to you. to be honest one thing I realised was that I was co- dependent. many other people just would not have put up with this behaviour! But I thought i could save him. a lot of us who have been with alcoholics have found the same about ourselves! we need to let them make their own decisions; and that’s what we need to learn

You can't do anything about it. You can't control it. You didn't cause it etc. What you CAN do is issue an ultimatum. I know people will say you can't but you can. You do have to follow through though. When I met my ex partner we both drank to excess. I stopped and he made a show that he had done too. But he hadn't so I told him that I was sorry I'd changed (I wasn't sorry) but I could no longer have a life with alcohol in it, I couldn't make him stop. He had to want that. I chose to go it alone.

OP, why are you still there?

YABU

You can’t expect anyone to quit before they’re ‘ready’

It’s also not a stupid reason to end a marriage.

My XH quit drinking. I still left because of his drinking, because even though he was sober at the time, it made me realise how much I’d been missing out on because of his drinking.

You can't fix him OP. He needs to do it for himself.

For your sake and the sake of your children, I'd seriously consider leaving him. You don't want them growing up thinking this level of drinking is normal.

The fact that you didn't want to spend Christmas with your own husband speaks volumes.

Can you link to your previous thread OP? I wonder if something was lost in translation because I can't believe you described the situation as you have done here and people's advice was to tell you to stop drinking?! Very odd

Really sorry op but he’s a late stage alcoholic who isn’t ready to accept help. It’s a really devastating and terrible disease. But there’s nothing you can do. I really commend your effort in giving up yourself and it’s really kind and dedicated of you but it won’t have any effect until he commits to treatment. You basically have to decide whether you can face the effects of their illness on your family day in day out, or not. It’s almost impossible to be ‘supportive’ of an alcoholic when they are drinking, but lord we try and we know that’s what we’re supposed to do yet there’s no manual. Try your local alcohol service for family support

Pissing the bed? It astounds me that anyone would stay in a marriage where their husband did this. Absolutely disgusting.

I appreciate this has probably happened gradually over many years, but step back OP and reassess. Is this really the life you want to live? If this really the behaviour you want modelled to your children? It is completely abnormal and unacceptable.

Your focus and attention is in the wrong place here. You should be focusing on the only thing you can control. You.

I speak as a survivor of an alcoholic relationship (we are now divorced) nothing and I mean nothing you do will make him change. Not begging not being kind or angry sober or drunk.

You need to build your own boundaries of what you will and won’t accept from your relationship, sadly this is likely to highlight things that are not negotiable, but then you can see the reality of what relationship you have with this man and to decide if you want to stay in this relationship or not.

If or when he wants to get help it will come from his own decision- not from any threat or beg you can make.

Get help for you, al-anon is where I went and it was my saving Grace, I wouldn’t have got past the pain of the situation without them.

His choice to drink is just as firm as yours to stay/go/accept or reject his behaviour and nobody can decide that for you.

Relationship do survive alcohol abuse but usually only when the alcoholic is willing to accept they have no control over the situation.

You didn’t cause it; can’t fix it and can’t control it. That’s al-anon 101 for you.

I hate to say this but as a daughter of an alcoholic he is slowly killing himself. Alcoholism is so difficult to treat as most alcoholics don’t see themselves as having an alcohol problem. They will also blatantly lie to others that they only have one glass of wine at the weekend (my dad did this to the A&E doctor after his latest drunken fall whilst stinking of drink).

Have you contacted al-anon? They work with relatives of alcoholics