AIBU to be annoyed I'm teetotal and he's still drinking?

[TrianglesofSurprise]

I feel really annoyed and really unreasonable in equal measures so would love your honest thoughts. I realised after last Christmas and New Year that DH has a serious drinking problem. I spent time researching what to do and asked for advice on mumsnet and it was clear that I needed to give up drinking in order to avoid 'enabling' him. If he saw me with a drink he'd see it as an excuse to get totally drunk openly. I was a hypocrite if I complained, or 'you were also drunk you just didn't realise' even though I rarely had more than a glass. If I had one shot of gin out of a bottle he could argue maybe it was also me and I didn't realise how big my measures are when the bottle is empty a day or so later. So last March with a lot of regret initially I gave up alcohol completely. I didn't drink a lot but it was part of how I relaxed after work, and I enjoyed it as part of special occasions. I want to help him and I understand it's an illness he needs external help for, I was happy to give it up to support his progress. I do feel better without it.

Well since then he's just carried on drinking more and more and made no effort to get any help. I couldn't face Christmas with him and have just come back after Christmas with my family to a big pile of washing up and empty bottles for me to recycle. His mum came over yesterday so there's 2 used glasses, my beautiful wine glasses by the sink. The ones I bought last Christmas imagining all the lovely celebrations we had ahead of us. I'm writing on here to fight the urge to smash them as I suddenly feel so angry. Why are they enjoying a glass of Christmas bubbly in my beautiful glasses when I can't drink it because he's the one with the drinking problem!!!!

You have DC? Then you’re currently letting them down massively by staying.

I completely understand where you are coming from in the "not enabling" him because I tried this too. My partner is an alcoholic (over 100 units a week), Giles down a good job and looks well enough but is a shambles underneath it all. I no longer drink for various reasons. When I first toyed with stopping drinking a strong influence was the fact that I knew that my drinking exacerbated his. If I was drinking on a Saturday night, he would buy 3 bottles of wine - 2 for him and one ostensibly for me. Except I could never manage a whole bottle so really he'd have 2.5 bottles of wine. If I was drinking he'd also find an excuse to pour us a g&t- his would be a triple of course. If I was drinking, it turned into a party for two. If I said I wasn't drinking he would only buy 2 bottles of wine for himself and he wouldn't attack the spirits cabinet. Now, 2 bottles of 13% red wine is still a lot of booze for one person but it's a slight harm reduction from 2.5 bottle plus 9 measures of gin, considering he drinks every single night. Since stopping drinking altogether I've noticed that he drinks less in front of me and the DC- however I've recently discovered he's stealth drinking and hiding the evidence in his "man cave". So, as a harm reduction /anti enabling tactic, it's been of limited use because god only knows what he's really drinking behind our backs. However, my sobriety is important to me and I don't resent it at all. Before meeting him I had a healthy relationship with alcohol, but in the last ten years that has deteriorated. A couple of years ago I realised I was teetering on the edge of dependency (and codependency) and unlike him, I had the awareness and desire to stop for the sake of my health and my family. I am now preparing to ask him to leave over the course of this coming year as the lying, the bed wetting, the selfish behaviour, the disappearing money, the disinterest in hygiene or household cleanliness, the angry/grumpy behaviour every single morning (and indeed day until he can feed his addict at 5pm) has all broken me down and no amount of reasoning has worked. He knows he has a problem but he thinks it's under control.
If you want to help yourself by stopping drinking, then do that. Sobriety is wonderful. Sensible moderate drinking can also be wonderful if you're capable of it. I wouldn't just stop drinking if you enjoy it and you're in control of it. However, a good use of this current period of sobriety would be to do some soul searching about what you want from this relationship, whether it can be salvaged, and coming to a decision as to what to do, kindly and fairly, for all involved. Much love and solidarity to you.

"Holds down a good job"- no idea who poor Giles is!

No! No! No! You cannot control him with your passive aggressive stance. All you are doing is highlighting to him that drinking is a problem and that it is HIS problem. He has not YET come to the conclusion that his drinking is a problem. You can't fix him, you can't help him, he is not ill in a way that you can help. Only HE can help himself. And the more you mention/say/demonstrate that his drinking is problem, the more he will rebel.

If you truly love him and want to stay with him, then be in this for the long haul. One day he will crash and burn. One day he will not but then it will be YOU realising you cannot do this anymore and you have to move on.

I am an alcoholic in recovery, meaning I don’t drink. I also doubt that the MN advice a year ago was to stop drinking yourself as a solution, because there is more knowledge than that on here. But I don’t think it is a completely pointless step, in different circumstances.

My partner stopped drinking before I did and no it did not help me stop drinking one iota - and I was an alcoholic that knew what I was and wanted to stop. But now I am stopped (and have been for a long while), I think having no alcohol in the house is overall a good thing. Actually there are a few bottles around which have been given to us. My partner might have a drink whilst they are out and I am not tempted by the few bottles we have in, but generally my partner does not regularly drink around me as they believe it supports my ongoing recovery. I have no idea if they are correct in that as it is not a theory we have tested. I am in theory more relaxed about them drinking than they are as I accept other people are allowed to drink, but they prefer not to anyway.

In your circumstances however, I think whether you drink or not is irrelevant to your husband. He is still in denial and from what you have said has no desire to stop drinking. It is not going to get any better until or unless he gets to this point. There is nobody that can fix this but him, there is nothing you can do to help him and you can only help yourself.

Does he drive to work? I realise he stops earlier in the evening than many (but he must start early to be passed out by six). But it is a concern if he is driving having been in that state the night before.

@Waspsarearseholes

From my own experience, alcoholics are master liars and manipulators. They will do anything they can to minimise their addiction and normalise their drinking (until the time comes where they are beyond caring/able to). This is not your fault yet he is trying his best to make you believe it is. This is all on him and nothing you can do can make him stop. I'm so sorry to sound so negative but my late partner died before he was 40 because of alcohol. I've been through any and all stages of it and it rarely ends well. Feel free to message me if you wish. Please know this isn't something you can help him with until he 1) recognise he needs it and 2) wants to accept the help.

This. This, 110%. My ex partner died at 42 because she drank herself to death.

Your 'D'P isn't drinking because you drink. It sounds as if they have a problem. You can't change them. To be blunt, the only thing you can do is decide if they are enough for you - if they are what you want - exactly as they are right now. Or you get brave - which may take a long time (took me years) and you leave.

I promise you that a life away from a manipulative, lying, alcoholic is all kinds of wonderful. You are also welcome to message me anytime. x