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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have a surprise wedding?

84 replies

ichangedmynametothis · 26/12/2021 23:30

Long story short we’ve been engaged a while and have a child. He will be 1 in the summer. I’ve gone round in circles trying to think what to do about a wedding. My partner is happy to go along with whatever I want but agrees that he doesn’t like the whole formal wedding ceremony, meal, speeches etc either. I think why bother putting ourselves through that for the sake of other people when it’s not what we want and is A LOT of money. We’d like a big party but aren’t really fussed on the during the day part. I hate the idea of everyone’s attention being on me at a formal wedding. My parents live in the country and have a large shed we could use for a party or lots of fields we could do a marquee in.

Tonight I’ve came up with an idea.. we could invite everyone to our little boy’s 1st birthday party, bbq, bouncy castle etc at their farm and when they turn up they realise it’s actually our wedding (as well as his party). Hopefully it would be a nice day and it would all be outside. We’d have bbq food, everyone sitting out in the sun, bouncy castles, lots for children to do and a funfair style feel. Obviously if it was raining it wouldn’t be quite the same 😬 We’d just do the legal part quickly in the morning ourselves or maybe walk down an aisle outside and have a quick humanist bit before it began. At night we could have a party either in a shed or marquee. Really struggling for how else we can actually get married when I’ve had a reason why it wouldn’t work for every possibility so far 🙈 Is this a terrible idea?

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Guttedbuyer · 26/12/2021 23:31

Love it and have a heard it done. Go for it!

Seeingadistance · 26/12/2021 23:32

Just go to the Registration Office with a couple of witnesses, then have a party afterwards if you want to. Less hassle.

bluejelly · 26/12/2021 23:33

This sounds great. Go for it!

Redshoeblueshoe · 26/12/2021 23:36

This sounds great. ❤️🎶🍷

Tulips21 · 26/12/2021 23:38

Sounds great!
If I get married, We will elope with our children then have a party on return at some point!
My parents eloped! Just them and 2random witnesses (Who had just filed for divorce!)
They had no wedding party.
Did have a 30th Anniversary party a dew years ago though!
I love their story & any of 'Surprise/elopement/private' weddings too!
Good luck

HeddaGarbled · 26/12/2021 23:42

It could work.

There may be some people who wouldn’t travel for a 1st birthday party who you would want to be there or who would be upset to miss your wedding party.

I’m not a big fan of dishonesty.

Could you be honest and say it’s a party to celebrate our marriage and the child’s birthday and still do the ceremony earlier that day or a few days before?

123rd · 26/12/2021 23:42

We -sort of - did this. We went away and got married then invited just immediate family to a bbq on the weekend we got home and did the whole ' guess what we did!!?!??' ( no one did guess!)
We did organise a wedding party afterwards & as you said no. Pressure you just get to enjoy the party and don't feel like it's all eyes on you all day

Penguinwithasuitcase · 26/12/2021 23:48

Why is the surprise part necessary?

Sounds like you just want a no-fuss celebration - you can do that without feeling like you need to sneak it past people Smile

WouldBeGood · 26/12/2021 23:49

Sounds lovely

Chickydoo · 26/12/2021 23:50

Went to a friends baby's christening, after the christening the vicar did a reading etc, then friend re-appeared in a wedding dress.
Was absolutely brilliant! Had a fab garden party after!

Catflapkitkat · 26/12/2021 23:52

I wouldn't be going out of my way for a first birthday party, not with teenagers, been there done that. However, I would for a wedding celebration. I think the suggestion of a registry office wedding with a couple of witnesses and then the party in the barn to celebrate is a good one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2021 23:52

Why does it need to be a surprise?

You’ll have all eyes on you anyway so that’s not solved by keeping people in the dark beforehand.

If you really want to get married with no fuss you do the registry office thing with no party.

I agree people will make more effort for a wedding than a birthday, that’s normal and not bad. You’d be lying to your friends and family and it’s not clear why.

If you want a wedding, lovely. If you want to combine it with your son’s birthday, also lovely. But be honest.

sheroku · 26/12/2021 23:54

There may be some people who wouldn’t travel for a 1st birthday party who you would want to be there or who would be upset to miss your wedding party.

Yeah this would be me. I probably wouldn't make a big effort to go to a 1 year old's party (I don't have kids, I don't really see these things as for me) but I wouldn't want to miss a wedding.

Allsorts1 · 26/12/2021 23:56

Have you had an engagement party? I’ve heard of an engagement party that was a surprise wedding before. That might work a bit better because people will have less reason to be upset if they didn’t go (the reasoning being that anyone wanting to attend your wedding would also make the effort for your engagement party). That will also set the romantic scene a bit better, and have people expecting to maybe stay a bit longer than they would for a 1st birthday party. Also, even though you say you don’t like attention on you - it would be nice for you to have a day for romance rather than needing to share it with a birthday!

ichangedmynametothis · 27/12/2021 00:15

@Chickydoo I’ve just read an article about something like that, it sounds amazing 😂 I think I would probably just go in my dress, having to act casual then go and get changed could be a whole other level of stress 🙈

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ichangedmynametothis · 27/12/2021 00:17

@Allsorts1 hmmm I did consider this but we got engaged quite a while ago and my friends know how casual I’d want it to be so I think they might suspect it from that 🙈 it doesn’t necessarily need to be a surprise but to tell people in advance that you’re getting married at your childs birthday party maybe doesn’t sound as good as it actually would turn out to be in reality 😂

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ichangedmynametothis · 27/12/2021 00:19

@AnneLovesGilbert I think it would only need to be a surprise so it was less of a big thing. It would save a hen do etc and it’s relatively short notice now. Also think if I said in advance to people I’m getting married in a field at my child’s birthday party it would sound like quite a shit wedding 😂 when it would actually turn out to be good, hopefully but more so if people didn’t know that’s what it was

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Allsorts1 · 27/12/2021 00:22

😂😂 maybe on balance it will be easier just to manage expectations and invite people around for “an informal ceremony to celebrate our marriage” or something like that.

ichangedmynametothis · 27/12/2021 00:23

@Catflapkitkat that was my original plan but my parents said and what are you doing during the day? as if we had to do something 🙄 so I was then looking into a tiny venue where just my immediate family could have dinner but then that would veer into the territory of speeches etc so that was a no go. This way is casual during the day, people get fed but it’s not a sit down meal. The night time bit could be in the barn though but I’d want pictures of some sort in day light and I kind of think where would we get pictures if it was just the two of us going to a registry office then going home before the party 🙈 I just keep throwing up more questions!

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HotChoc10 · 27/12/2021 00:23

Sounds like a great day but don't think I'd make it a surprise. Invites could be something like "We're getting married and DC is turning 1! Join us at a party to celebrate both occasions on XYZ"

Allsorts1 · 27/12/2021 00:24

Or just surprise at your child’s birthday, I think that’s actually really sweet. But you do run more of a risk of people who would really want to be at your wedding not attending the birthday - when they would have rearranged their calendar for an engagement party.

ichangedmynametothis · 27/12/2021 00:24

@Allsorts1 it could be vague enough that they’re still surprised it’s a fun fair when they arrive 😂

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ichangedmynametothis · 27/12/2021 00:26

Maybe the surprise thing isn’t such a great idea 🙄 In the past I would have been more hesitant to attend a first birthday party myself with no kids. It also might be a bit suspect if I’ve invited them and their partner when it would usually just be my friends and their babies that I’d see. Just think the surprise would have been good and would have stopped me getting so nervous before it if no one was mentioning it to me 🙈

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Skinnytailedsquirrel · 27/12/2021 00:26

Sounds like a great idea. We eloped so nothing as fancy as you are having.

ichangedmynametothis · 27/12/2021 00:30

@Skinnytailedsquirrel that is the other option! Just think I’d want ‘something’ but not the whole everyone come and celebrate me for the day thing 🙈 the idea of that fills me with dread

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