To have a surprise wedding?

[ichangedmynametothis]

Long story short we’ve been engaged a while and have a child. He will be 1 in the summer. I’ve gone round in circles trying to think what to do about a wedding. My partner is happy to go along with whatever I want but agrees that he doesn’t like the whole formal wedding ceremony, meal, speeches etc either. I think why bother putting ourselves through that for the sake of other people when it’s not what we want and is A LOT of money. We’d like a big party but aren’t really fussed on the during the day part. I hate the idea of everyone’s attention being on me at a formal wedding. My parents live in the country and have a large shed we could use for a party or lots of fields we could do a marquee in.

Tonight I’ve came up with an idea.. we could invite everyone to our little boy’s 1st birthday party, bbq, bouncy castle etc at their farm and when they turn up they realise it’s actually our wedding (as well as his party). Hopefully it would be a nice day and it would all be outside. We’d have bbq food, everyone sitting out in the sun, bouncy castles, lots for children to do and a funfair style feel. Obviously if it was raining it wouldn’t be quite the same 😬 We’d just do the legal part quickly in the morning ourselves or maybe walk down an aisle outside and have a quick humanist bit before it began. At night we could have a party either in a shed or marquee. Really struggling for how else we can actually get married when I’ve had a reason why it wouldn’t work for every possibility so far 🙈 Is this a terrible idea?

Also thinking about having it go day to night - that’s a lot of entertaining (and expense of feeding people).

If you would like it to turn into an evening barn dance, maybe best to invite people to a late afternoon celebration of your marriage, sunset is the golden hour for flattering pictures after all? No need to do something in the day as well.

You can do some easy platters of cheese and bits with bottles of wine, and maybe something simple like big rustic pizzas or something like that if you want people to stay and dance in the barn later into the evening.

And as PP suggested keep the invite casual “we are having a get to get her to celebrate our marriage”.

I think combining birthday with the wedding might end up being way more stressful (as you’ll have to think about managing two very different occasions).

@Allsorts1 this is all very true 🙄 that was the type of food I was thinking. Maybe a 4/5pm start or something is a bit better. I wouldn’t want to overshadow the fact it’s his birthday either and that part of it with bouncy castles etc really would be better being during the day. These things are usually better when they’re not really planned or overthought about but obviously when it’s a wedding everyone wants to have every detail planned 🙈 I just need to make a decision on something and go with it because I’ve been back and fourth on every possible wedding I could have for over a year now 😂

My DD's friend did this and it was wonderful. They told everyone they were getting engaged and invited everyone to the engagement party. Then they turned up in their nice wedding clothes , they'd gone to the register office with just their parents . We all had a lovely party , it was beautiful.

@ShippingNews that sounds nice, definitely adds something to it! I don’t know whether an engagement party this far down the line would be obvious though! I could word the invite to his birthday like it’s a birthday party followed by bbq and dancing or something so that people are geared up for it being a night time thing

I wouldn't like finding out I was at a surprise wedding... I like to be prepared...

A cousin of mine organised a party apparently for her birthday and turned up married! They loved it, would totally recommend.

A few caveats though:

1. anniversary tends to get overshadowed by her birthday (forgotten)
2. they were very no frills ie no big white dress & not minding if only some people came to the party - you can’t have both really, surprising people with a wedding then minding if people don’t come

I’m not sure how I feel about getting married on someone ELSE’s birthday, I know he’s tiny at the moment but won’t it be weird for him to share his celebration with you? Also you’ll never be able to go out for your anniversary etc.

I’d organise a big summer party on a different date and turn up married to that.

I can’t see how it would work, and it’s very unnecessarily complicated. Either I wouldn’t show because I would have no idea it was important (are all your friends and family very local? How far would you expect people to travel for a baby’s birthday party, given that most first birthday parties are the baby’s immediate family having a cup of tea?) , or would just show my face in the afternoon for half an hour, probably with firm plans for later that I couldn’t alter, only to find myself in the middle of a wedding I would have to leave again.

You can certainly have an inexpensive, outdoor, no-frills wedding without speeches, a formal meal, a hen party etc, but without the fake invite.

Do this but don’t hijack your kids birthday to do it. Let the kid have his day then you have your day later

Whatever you need to do to get married, surprise or no surprise, go for it. You have a child already!

Don't do it as a surprise. I like @HotChoc10's suggestion.

Your child’s birthday and your wedding anniversary will be on the same day if you do this OP!

I really don't want a wedding, we are going to elope.

Sounds perfect. There’s a lot more to marriage than a wedding day

I went to a New Years party in new zealand and that turned out to be a wedding - they had told just a few people apparently (witnesses and parents I think to make sure they came!). It was at their home on their deck, the celebrant suddenly arrived, they got married and then everyone carried on with the casual (but very fun) New Year's Eve party. It suited them and i thought it was lovely!

Sounds absolutely lovely, no stress, no expectations, no faff.

My DD's birthday is on our wedding anniversary. I deliberately chose a summer date as I have a winter birthday and wanted a time we could go away and enjoy some warm temperatures (shouldn't have picked school hols but that's another story!)).

It was always overshadowed by birthday plans/parties etc so we never did actually properly celebrate it or take time out to recognise it.

I personally wouldn't choose it - we had no choice!!

don’t hijack your kids birthday to do it.

^This

Ohhh please do this, it sounds wonderful!

I know two couples who have done something similar, except with 30th birthday parties. Invited everyone to a party then surprised them with a wedding!

One couple told everyone they needed to nip out for some reason (emergency booze run or something), took two witnesses with them and got married at the register office down the road mid-party.

Do it!

Wouldn't guests need to find somewhere to stay/babysitters if it goes on late into the night? If I were turning up for a 1 year olds party I'd be going for 2 hours max then carrying on with my day and normal routine for DD. If it were a wedding I'd prep to alter this in advance. Just tell people and have a casual wedding there anyway (possibly separate occasion to avoid the clash of birthday/anniversary in future). You don't have to have speeches or a sit down meal, or anything that you don't want to have!

We did this ish , invited family for a birthday weekend of golf and spa . Then as we went to sit down to eat … it was set up for us to marry 🙌 brilliant night with a band and good food . Congratulations on your little boy x

Of course you should just do what you want...but you're picturing bouncy castles, bbqs and laughter in the sunshine. Please have a Plan B for British weather!

As @HeddaGarbled said - I don't think you would get everyone you wanted there for a child's 1st birthday. Unless it was a grandchild or was just down the road (and maybe not even then) I wouldn't attend. Kids parties just aren't my thing and, although I love my own grandkids to bits, I really don't like other people's children so this is something I would actively avoid. I think I would get married privately, and then just invite everyone to a big party to celebrate your marriage. Then you don't have to turn up in a wedding dress, you don't have to have a cake and speeches - let everybody know it is a party and not a wedding reception. You could even put a note on the invitation about the dress code if you wanted it to be casual rather than formal - i.e. Dress code casual with sparkles! Or whatever floats your boat.

Can't you just send invites that say you're having a really special/significant party and you'd love them to come. Or words to that effect?
You'd need to field a few questions but it would be doable I think.

@FoxgloveSummers that sounds good! It wouldn’t be the same date as his birthday would be during the week so different anniversary

I’d not travel miles for a first birthday sorry and would only plan to stay a couple of hours if I did, not all day & night and if remote then one of us would be driving, however if we knew it was an adult party in the evening we would plan a sitter/hotel/transport. I really don’t think this will work.