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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a surprise wedding?

84 replies

ichangedmynametothis · 26/12/2021 23:30

Long story short we’ve been engaged a while and have a child. He will be 1 in the summer. I’ve gone round in circles trying to think what to do about a wedding. My partner is happy to go along with whatever I want but agrees that he doesn’t like the whole formal wedding ceremony, meal, speeches etc either. I think why bother putting ourselves through that for the sake of other people when it’s not what we want and is A LOT of money. We’d like a big party but aren’t really fussed on the during the day part. I hate the idea of everyone’s attention being on me at a formal wedding. My parents live in the country and have a large shed we could use for a party or lots of fields we could do a marquee in.

Tonight I’ve came up with an idea.. we could invite everyone to our little boy’s 1st birthday party, bbq, bouncy castle etc at their farm and when they turn up they realise it’s actually our wedding (as well as his party). Hopefully it would be a nice day and it would all be outside. We’d have bbq food, everyone sitting out in the sun, bouncy castles, lots for children to do and a funfair style feel. Obviously if it was raining it wouldn’t be quite the same 😬 We’d just do the legal part quickly in the morning ourselves or maybe walk down an aisle outside and have a quick humanist bit before it began. At night we could have a party either in a shed or marquee. Really struggling for how else we can actually get married when I’ve had a reason why it wouldn’t work for every possibility so far 🙈 Is this a terrible idea?

OP posts:

Original poster

ichangedmynametothis · 27/12/2021 08:12

Okay maybe I remove the surprise element, just thinking if we took him to a party just now expecting we’d be there 2 hours, we wouldn’t have enough stuff for him, wouldn’t have a pram for him to sleep in and wouldn’t have arranged anyone to let the dog out.

So although that does sound like a good idea maybe I just invite people to a celebration of our marriage and his birthday then it’s more like a children’s party during the day (maybe starts at 3ish) with a bbq etc and a night time party in a shed later, which could be all decorated wedding themed and the outdoor part could be decorated 1st birthday themed. I could wear a dress and no one would miss it if they wanted to come, maybe would also help for catering if we knew people were coming.

We could just sign the forms part at a registry office and maybe all walk into the party together with confetti or something to start it off then it would just be a casual bbq and funfair 😂 I think at least that takes away any expectation that it’s a wedding if it’s just called a wedding celebration. Our little boys birthday would be a few days before it so we wouldn’t have a shared anniversary

OP posts:

WWTBCD · 27/12/2021 08:14

I think it's partly a great idea but not the birthday bit. I agree with others that people aren't going to make a huge effort for a child's first birthday.

People that live locally will expect to pop in for an hour max, won't bring their partners or their older children and might have plans later.
People that live far away won't make the effort except for really close friends.

They'll be driving because they're not expecting booze etc

You also need to get the date out soon or be prepared for people not to be able to come.

Weekends next summer are going to be busy with rearranged weddings, parties, gigs etc. I know people could get married this year but lots chose not to.

Send a 'save the date' for a party. Depending on the date say it's a welcome to/mid/end of summer celebration. A chance for everyone to get together and have some fun.

If people have to travel, offer a field for camping.

Some might guess but so what. It'll still be far less hassle but people have the heads up they're there for the duration and to party not drink coffee and make polite chit chat with your MIL.

Aprilx · 27/12/2021 08:15

No I wouldn’t appreciate that as a guest. Firstly I would be more inclined to go to wedding than a first birthday party and I would wear different outfits and I would prefer to be in charge of what I wear to what occasion.

I also do not understand why it needs to be a surprise in order to be low key. Actually it doesn’t sound low key, it sounds like a big wedding that just happens to be a surprise. If you want low key, organise a low key wedding and do your guests the honour of telling them what they are coming to.

Doidontimmm · 27/12/2021 08:19

Can I just throw another spanner (sorry not trying to reign on your parade!).

That’s a long long day for people with little kids from 3pm to late. Some may prefer to not bring their children to an all day event, it’s a bit awkward as you are expecting children for the birthday part but then the parents will have to keep them there until the evening (unless they live nearby and can get them picked up).

I think it needs to be birthday or wedding or people will feel obliged to bring their child to an event they’d rather get a sitter for and people without kids will have to sit through a kids birthday party!

OnlyAFleshWound · 27/12/2021 08:21

It sounds weird, unworkable and in many ways more attention-seeking. I also think it's unfair on your son.

RedwineforSantaplease · 27/12/2021 08:26

You've just described 3 weddings I've been to in the last 5 years - big outdoor area, barn, games for the kids, festival style, BBQ/hog roast. Half the weddings I've been to started at 3pm.

If you want low key, just book a registry office and a meal for a few guests, if you want a party have a party, if you want a festival style wedding, have one.

grumpypug · 27/12/2021 08:26

I've been to a surprise wedding very similar to the one you described. It was the best wedding I have ever been to!

HP87 · 27/12/2021 08:28

Wouldn't a kids party be during the day and a wedding party in the evening. You might get a fair amount of people who can only attend for an hour or so due to thinking its a 1st birthday party and having other plans on the day.

DinosApple · 27/12/2021 08:33

Went to a fabulous wedding like this.

B&G and families knew, had ceremony in the afternoon. The rest of the guests and friends turned up in the evening thinking it was a 40th birthday. Worked very well and no one had a clue. Took a while to register and they had a photographer taking pictures of when it clicked .

HelloDulling · 27/12/2021 08:40

A big reveal, surprise wedding is far more attention-seeking than just having a regular wedding.

If you want a small wedding, or an informal one, or a big outdoor knees-up, or just a private register office ceremony, book that.

Woodswoman · 27/12/2021 08:41

@RedwineforSantaplease

You've just described 3 weddings I've been to in the last 5 years - big outdoor area, barn, games for the kids, festival style, BBQ/hog roast. Half the weddings I've been to started at 3pm.

If you want low key, just book a registry office and a meal for a few guests, if you want a party have a party, if you want a festival style wedding, have one.

This!

The surprise part is just attention-seeking and annoying for everyone else. The wedding party you’ve planned isn’t low key at all, it’s what everyone I know has done for their wedding for the last few years.

AlternativePerspective · 27/12/2021 08:41

60 people isn’t low key though is it? Why not just get married in a registry office and then have a dinner for the immediate family afterwards if you don’t want a big fuss?

Incidentally, you likely won’t be able to just get married in a field, you have to have specific licences to get married somewhere, so you would need to look at the logistics of that anyway.

But if you want a big wedding, then just have a big wedding. Most people with 1 year olds will leave even a party by about 6 anyway if they think it’s a Roth day party and haven’t made prior arrangements.

Your party idea has the potential to backfire massively when everyone’s gone by 5:00

freelions · 27/12/2021 08:44

It's a good idea but be prepared that there will be some people (elderly relatives?) who won't be impressed and will declare "I would have worn a hat/ new outfit if I'd known it was a wedding"

I'm guessing that 90% of guests will think it's lovely but there will be a minority who won't (but you could probably argue same for any style of wedding!)

simonthedog · 27/12/2021 08:47

I would do away with the surprise bit. Go and get married at the registry office and then just announce that you will be having a party on X date to celebrate your marriage.

GoIntoTheLight · 27/12/2021 08:49

I think it’s a great idea. I would do this as I hate the thought of the lead up - all the questions and opinions offered!

Some close friends of ours did this - we thought it was her 30th but it turned out to be her wedding. It was wonderful.

userxx · 27/12/2021 08:50

I know of someone who got married at her "birthday" party. Was fab apparently.

DrSbaitso · 27/12/2021 09:03

[quote ichangedmynametothis]@Allsorts1 hmmm I did consider this but we got engaged quite a while ago and my friends know how casual I’d want it to be so I think they might suspect it from that 🙈 it doesn’t necessarily need to be a surprise but to tell people in advance that you’re getting married at your childs birthday party maybe doesn’t sound as good as it actually would turn out to be in reality 😂[/quote]
If you want them to suspect and it doesn't need to be a surprise...why do it this way? I agree it's a nice idea in theory but people may not come if they don't realise what it really is.

Just tell them it's your wedding party and it's totally informal.

Doidontimmm · 27/12/2021 09:07

I think it’s totally different having a surprise wedding as party of an adults birthday party than party of a child’s!

gogohm · 27/12/2021 09:10

Sounds a brilliant plan. I would do the legal bit the the morning or earlier in the week with two witnesses as it's simpler, the humanist minister is just then ceremonial

Tippexy · 27/12/2021 09:14

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

I wouldn't like finding out I was at a surprise wedding... I like to be prepared...

Exactly, you may plan to leave after an hour or so!

thewhatsit · 27/12/2021 09:16

I think it’s right to remove the surprise bit. As you say, I’d turn up to a children’s party expecting to be home for DC bedtime and to be there two or three hours max.

It doesn’t need to be a surprise to be just a party. I had a tiny wedding. None of my friends assumed I wanted a hen do and wedding presents and the whole thing because they know me and they know I wanted to avoid all of that. If someone asks if they can plan a hen do just say that’s not the kind of thing you’re after and the party is just that.

Is there any particular reason, now the surprise element is gone, that it needs to be both birthday party and wedding on the same day? You can still have bouncy castles for older kids (doesn’t seem very 1 year old birthday party anyway?) at the party and it can still be more funfair / casual party vibe. Maybe it would be nice to have your DS’s birthday and your anniversary on completely different days. Just plan a casual but fun party when it suits, book a register office for that morning, and tell people it’s a wedding party but without any of the traditional wedding stuff.

RedRobin100 · 27/12/2021 09:21

Go for it!
As a guest I would love it.

No doubt some parents etc may take issue, and some people may not travel for first birthday - but you could try manage/get parents inside in advance and crack on without missing guests. Close friends less likely to miss it - and you don’t want a big fuss anyway.

Don’t worry about upsetting people that don’t make it - then you’re staying into planned/formal/what’s expected etc territory and taking away from doing exactly what you want when you want

Justcannotbearsed · 27/12/2021 09:24

I wouldn’t turn up necessarily at my friend’s baby’s first birthday party, I’d find it weird if there was a first birthday party with dancing afterwards into the evening. I would have thought I’ll pop 8n for half an hour….

But if friends said we are getting married and having a celebration at my parents, it’s not fancy, come for a bop and a drink and we’ll put on a buffet. I’d be there like a shot.

First birthday is for family…

RedRobin100 · 27/12/2021 09:25

To add
My take on this is you want your wedding to be about you/what your priorities are.
That’s totally cool.
It’s not about your guests per se.
So what if they don’t want to hang around for ages, or didn’t know in advance to “prepare themselves”. .. what exactly do they need to mentally prepare for - it’s not their wedding, it’s yours.

It’s not like you’d be inviting them for a bday party - but then unbeknownst to them it turns into a sit down formal wedding. That’s not the case.

It was be personal and fun. Go for it.

GiraffeDancer · 27/12/2021 09:38

I like your new plan much better - surprise wedding parties work fine when it’s done at an adults birthday party (like a 30th or something), but as you rightly say, it will be an absolute pain for anyone with young kids - they will be taken out of their normal routine with absolutely no warning, and no stuff to make it easier, maybe even not enough nappies/spare clothes/buggy/ food that they know a very fussy child will actually eat for dinner etc. Definitely tell people and give them the choice to do what actually works for their family. But expect most of those with young kids to leave very very early!

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