elderly father on dating sites

[AthelstaneTheUnready]

I'm struggling with this one, and would be grateful for alternative views.

My mother died 10 weeks ago, it was quite traumatic and we're all a bit floored. I miss her dreadfully.

So does my father, who has been coping OK but not particularly well - they'd been married for 59 years and he'd never lifted a finger domestically, so is (as you can imagine) now struggling with things like washing machines, boiling potatoes, use-by dates, and how to turn the oven on. It suited them while it lasted, so it is what it is.

However, while he's clearly devastated by her death, he told me yesterday he'd been on dating sites for the last 2 weeks, so only 8 weeks after she died. I'm distraught. It was just me and him for Christmas Day and he spent nearly 4 hours on his own in the study on these sites and occasionally calling me in to ask my opinion of his interchanges over emails, and the pictures of women he thought looked possible. Otherwise I was sitting by myself while he browsed women 20 years younger than him (he's 80 in January).

He's not worldly wise, despite his career success, and has always been the dreamer in the marriage. I was horrified by him doing this let alone telling me some of the profiles he was engaging with. All the classic signs of fishing, with non-committal 'hey babe' type comments in reply to his conversation, missing definite and indefinite articles 'I go to pub this afternoon', and general, you know, fucking dodginess of fake profiles on the net. He bought into all of it.

He's stubborn as fuck so I didn't try and dissuade him from this, just told a few stories about friends who've been scammed via OLD, and a few generalisations about the types of tricks that are played. It's kind of sunk in, in that he's had a go at dropped the dodgier conversations. But he's still determined that this is how he will find companionship to solve the loss of my mother, and that he ideally would get lucky before his 80th birthday. Less than 28 bloody days' time.

So apologies for all that background. I don't know what to do for the best to either guide him or dissuade him, and I'm still grieving so I don't trust my own reactions at the moment. Also, because we're very different - when my husband died that was it for me, not even wanted a date for the past god know how many years. So basically:

YABU: everybody grieves their own way, the poor bastard is just desperate for a bit of comfort and you're having a catastrophic failure of imagination not to understand why he might do this, just because you wouldn't

YANBU: it's my bloody mother just 10 weeks gone, and leaving me sitting on my own while he browses replacement women on Christmas Day is somewhat beyond a grief reaction

OP this sounds very difficult. Have some 💐

Have you ever read A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian? I highly recommend it, it is funny and touching and deals with these exact same issues. It may bring you some solace. And perhaps your father should read it too?

www.amazon.co.uk/History-Tractors-Ukrainian-Penguin-Essentials/dp/0241961823?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@AthelstaneTheUnready do you have someone else you can get support from? I would prioritise you.
I very much doubt you will lose him, but I don't think he can give you the support you need at the moment.

Going on dating sites is his own business - only he can decide that. But it’s awful of him to be taking about it to you when you’ve just lost your mum.

Two months after my mother died we went to visit my elderly dad in their small town. When we went into town the single women swarmed.

My dad tried to talk to me about the pros and cons of various IRL prospects plus the ones he was chatting with on a dating site. I had to tell him that I respected him dating, but it was too soon for me to talk about specifics.

We knew my mother’s death was coming and I did some reading on the subject before her death. It’s actually very common for older men to date quickly and even re-partner again shockingly fast. They are just terrified of being alone. My father found a website that vets both participants for net worth and other criteria and within a few months had found the woman he now lives with. She is a lovely woman who lost her husband, wanted a traveling companion, and happened to winter and summer very near him which was quite convenient. I can’t really begrudge him having someone to spend time with, but I won’t lie and say I am 100% happy with the situation. I needed a year in between, but a year at his age might just be all he has. I do take comfort in the fact that he chose someone age appropriate who has expanded his life in really positive ways.

FGS get LPA in place immediately, before your DF does something catastrophic with his life savings

@zafferana a POA is of no use at all, nor should it be. This man had capacity and can spend his money how he likes. If OP had POA at this point, she can only use it with his permission. I have POA for my mother, who has capacity but is paralysed and housebound. I can use it to pay her bills etc, but I can't just move it or divert it to myself or anyone else without her say so.

POA is bandied about in this site all the time, when it's totally irrelevant to the situation. Do your research.

I'd be upset but there are some men/women who just can't be on their own.

My good friends husband died quite suddenly at 48, she was 47. Within 6 weeks she was on dating sites and has since remarried. In the 30 years I've known her she has never been single, her whole self worth relies on being in a relationship.

My SIL mum passed away, she spent her whole life running the home and waiting hand and foot on her husband. He didn't even know how to get money out of a cashpoint, use a microwave or washer! He was dating within 8 weeks and his children were devastated.

My FIL did give lots of money away to various scammers. Nothing anyone could do.

I really feel for you, we had this exact same situation with my FIL about 8 weeks after MIL passed away. The first we knew about it was when he texted to say he was at an airport (4 hours away) waiting to collect a woman from a flight

Turned out to be a romance scam (she didn’t show and there was a super dodgy story as to why) which we sincerely hope is over but we don’t know because he now won’t talk about it.

DH is absolutely devastated, he can’t imagine wanting to replace me, let alone in 2 months after being married 50 odd years. So it’s a mixture of grief, anger, disappointment and worry for his Dad. I genuinely don’t know how to help.

My dad has been on his own for 25 done my mum died he has a female friend or two, not sure if they are all platonic or not. He's happy by himself. Some people aren't. My MiL is still alive but has quite advanced dementia so he has learnt to cook, clean etc and is proud of everything he has achieved.

You can help him by teaching him household management and by talking about online safety as there will certainly be women on the dating sites who aren't who they seem to be.

Sorry dad has been on his own since mum died, and FiL has learnt household stuff

Shame he's not searching his own age group.Thats the bit that would concern me because of possible scammers. Otherwise, at his age if he is really looking for someone then not being funny but he hasn't got much time to waste has he? Difficult at the moment so its a shame he can't join a group to meet people for friendship. (Although I know a man in his 80s who is still up for it iykwim)

I’m sorry for your loss OP. Losing a parent is usually horrendous and changes you as a person.

He wouldn’t let you visit for a month after your mother died? I know he’s your dad and you love him but he sounds very selfish. He seems completely focused on his needs and wants. Has he always been so cold towards you?

If your mother did everything for him, I assume that includes the bulk of raising the children, so he’s not caring for you because he’s never had to. It’s not an excuse but some people will always prioritise themselves.

Other posters are correct when they say getting a power of attorney will not stop him giving his money away. It just gives you equal access to his finances and it becomes void upon his death, so if he remarries his new wife would be the legal executor of his estate and all his finances. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to take onboard any of your opinions or cautions about his dating.

Do you have other relatives who can offer you support through the grieving?

As above PP says ,do you have any older relatives who could speak to him ? He may take notice of someone his age rather than his "child" . Many older men cannot seem to cope alone . He seems rather insensitive to your feelings ,but is struggling after best part of 6 decades with a partner ! Does he have other older men friends also who may be able to make him see reason. May be worth a chat with the bank .I dont know if they will be able to do anything but at least be aware of possible scams by truly unscrupulous people out there .Take care OP sending hugs to you xx

All these people taking issue - this is an old man who is lonely. Why should he be alone?! So selfish and cruel of anyone to begrudge him company in the final years of his life.

@thefourgp

I’m sorry for your loss OP. Losing a parent is usually horrendous and changes you as a person.

He wouldn’t let you visit for a month after your mother died? I know he’s your dad and you love him but he sounds very selfish. He seems completely focused on his needs and wants. Has he always been so cold towards you?

If your mother did everything for him, I assume that includes the bulk of raising the children, so he’s not caring for you because he’s never had to. It’s not an excuse but some people will always prioritise themselves.

Other posters are correct when they say getting a power of attorney will not stop him giving his money away. It just gives you equal access to his finances and it becomes void upon his death, so if he remarries his new wife would be the legal executor of his estate and all his finances. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to take onboard any of your opinions or cautions about his dating.

Do you have other relatives who can offer you support through the grieving?

Part of me is desperately worried for him because I love him, he's grieving, he's desperate to feel less pain. But his solution is highly likely to cause him more pain, given he's not up to snuff in the slightest. I want him to feel comforted, and if a 'friend' helps then I'm all for it. But he doesn't seem to want a 'friend', he wants a replacement shaped just like the hole he has in his life, immediately, and doesn't appear to see any of the pitfalls or consequences of that (including on other people).

It feels deeply wrong for him to try and utilise another human being to paper over his own cracks.

He wasn't around much physically or otherwise when we were young - very long hours in his work - so you're right, no involvement in caring so no practice. For full disclosure... I'm adopted - my biological father didn't want to know about my mother or the baby, and my biological mother gave me up early. I know my mother persuaded my father into adopting and he wasn't at all keen. That's maybe why I'm panicking so much I suppose, and very probably getting things out of proportion. Perhaps he thinks he's 'done' that part of life now and will move on.

I thought perhaps he might lean on me a bit more, now his support has gone, but that appears to be wishful thinking.

@dottiedodah the bank would not talk to OP. OPs father is their customer and entitled to confidentiality.

@Gensola

All these people taking issue - this is an old man who is lonely. Why should he be alone?! So selfish and cruel of anyone to begrudge him company in the final years of his life.

No one is begrudging him company. This is not what is happening though.

@Gensola

All these people taking issue - this is an old man who is lonely. Why should he be alone?! So selfish and cruel of anyone to begrudge him company in the final years of his life.

I begrudge him nothing of the sort. I even accept that while 8 weeks seems horrendous to me, it appears to be fairly common for men.

What I am panicking about is that fact he's a total innocent at all this! And although he's shared with me (I both am glad and distraught that he did), it will only be up to a point. He'd rather boil his own eyeballs in situ than ever admit he may have made a mistake, or be in trouble, or need proper advice.

If he continues down this route - and now he's decided it's a good idea there'll be small chance of diverting him - in the alarming manner he's started, he's going to get hurt, ripped off, or worse. I would prevent that if I could, I am just unsure how best to try.

I (briefly) used an older dating site after my marriage collapsed. I was floundering at the time, so it was just something I needed to do I suppose. I very quickly realised that it wasn't something I should be doing.
I did meet a widowed man slightly younger than your father, twenty years older than me. We would definitely have developed into a relationship had we met under different circumstances but I quickly realised that I needed to spend time alone. So, it is possible to meet genuine people on the sites (because I am genuine).
In the short period I used the dating site though I did speak to a couple of men who warned me to be wary of scams. They both independent of one another told me that there are a lot of women who are on these sites scamming older men for 'meal tickets' one of them described it as.

He's not really a total innocent though, he's an 80 year old man who thinks a lot of himself and has money, and is prepared to find someone that wants those things, in exchange for what he needs. It's not very romantic, is it? He doesn't want a soulmate, he wants someone to cook, clean, look after him, and laugh at his jokes. What is he offering them?

When my grandma was widowed she got a similar offer from an 80 year old and turned him down, saying why on earth would she want to move in and be a housekeeper for some man she didn't even love particularly.

The other thing to bear in mind, and this must be very very hurtful he's doing this, is that those site are doing something for him right now, which is occupying his time, you can spend hours browsing profiles, and giving him hope. He's trying to avoid grieving. Those sites are really quite addictive, and I can see that for him, in this difficult time, looking at profiles, daydreaming about what these new people would be like, fantasising about a different life must be quite a nice way to spend time compared with sitting alone and contemplating his loss. It's not a very mature thing to do, but it is kind of understandable.

POA as others have said is irrelevant, you can't take over someone else's finances if they have capacity and the bar is set reasonably high, that's not even relevant here.

Ultimately he may get stung, but you can't control that, you can't control any of this unfortunately, you could ask him to shut up about it if you find it disrespectful or too soon. More likely he will find some nice widow who would welcome interest from a late seventies man with a bit of money who is very motivated to meet up and that might end up being a good thing.

I think it's pretty sad that a wife of 59 years seems quite replaceable on the one hand, but on the other, the pain of grief is so terrible, you do start to think perhaps if I had someone else to hold my hand, someone else to chat to, someone to cook me dinner...I think he's using the sites as a distraction from grief.

The one thing I would do though is say 'don't send any money to anyone' and just repeat that. Don't get involved in whether Doris is nicer than Jane or whatever, just say I'm not really interested in the ins and outs, Dad, but just don't send any money to anyone. Beyond that, it's not for you to get involved.

The other good thing is in the pandemic, the chances of him getting out and about heaps is probably quite low, and he hasn't met anyone yet. So, think of it as an absorbing indoor hobby for now, and only panic if something really materializes.

Onwards, it's a really good point about coping mechanisms. I do understand that. But there are healthy and unhealthy ways to do it.

We both drank too much for a while. Shit tactic. We've both cut back now. But this seems like an equally unhealthy way of going about things. Meeting a nice, placid, domestically-minded lady in real life would not be an issue for me (in time). But making an easy target of himself online is.

What the fuck's wrong with taking up yoga, volunteering, local interest groups like any bloody normal person would who's looking for company.

@arethereanyleftatall

There's quite a lot of vitriol aimed at the type of women going after vulnerable men in this thread - gold diggers, scammers, tarts etc But the widowed men aren't blameless here. Needing a women for housework because they've not helped their wives do anything for umpteen years and so don't know how. Arrogant/entitled enough to believe that someone twenty years their junior is interested. Selfish enough that they put their desires for companionship and their dinner made, above what the women might want out of a relationship. You could argue that from the woman's perspective, this is a business deal.

I think the concern is more actual scammers, cat fishing and the like. He’s very vulnerable to being fooled, not by a woman seeking a home (I agree that is a business transaction of sorts and one I’m ok with since it goes back to the social norms of their youth, as misogynistic as they are), but by criminals who prey on lonely people.

@AthelstaneTheUnready I’m so sorry, this is so hard for you. Remember you can’t control what other people do so for you I think detaching a bit and seeking support elsewhere might be best? He’s not in a place where he’s going to be the support you need, I would remind him about the financial danger, about not sending money and about the endless scams one hears of - tell him meeting via groups is safer and more efficient ( for his age group, it is more efficient!). But beyond that I think you need space for your sake, to let you grieve.