elderly father on dating sites

[AthelstaneTheUnready]

I'm struggling with this one, and would be grateful for alternative views.

My mother died 10 weeks ago, it was quite traumatic and we're all a bit floored. I miss her dreadfully.

So does my father, who has been coping OK but not particularly well - they'd been married for 59 years and he'd never lifted a finger domestically, so is (as you can imagine) now struggling with things like washing machines, boiling potatoes, use-by dates, and how to turn the oven on. It suited them while it lasted, so it is what it is.

However, while he's clearly devastated by her death, he told me yesterday he'd been on dating sites for the last 2 weeks, so only 8 weeks after she died. I'm distraught. It was just me and him for Christmas Day and he spent nearly 4 hours on his own in the study on these sites and occasionally calling me in to ask my opinion of his interchanges over emails, and the pictures of women he thought looked possible. Otherwise I was sitting by myself while he browsed women 20 years younger than him (he's 80 in January).

He's not worldly wise, despite his career success, and has always been the dreamer in the marriage. I was horrified by him doing this let alone telling me some of the profiles he was engaging with. All the classic signs of fishing, with non-committal 'hey babe' type comments in reply to his conversation, missing definite and indefinite articles 'I go to pub this afternoon', and general, you know, fucking dodginess of fake profiles on the net. He bought into all of it.

He's stubborn as fuck so I didn't try and dissuade him from this, just told a few stories about friends who've been scammed via OLD, and a few generalisations about the types of tricks that are played. It's kind of sunk in, in that he's had a go at dropped the dodgier conversations. But he's still determined that this is how he will find companionship to solve the loss of my mother, and that he ideally would get lucky before his 80th birthday. Less than 28 bloody days' time.

So apologies for all that background. I don't know what to do for the best to either guide him or dissuade him, and I'm still grieving so I don't trust my own reactions at the moment. Also, because we're very different - when my husband died that was it for me, not even wanted a date for the past god know how many years. So basically:

YABU: everybody grieves their own way, the poor bastard is just desperate for a bit of comfort and you're having a catastrophic failure of imagination not to understand why he might do this, just because you wouldn't

YANBU: it's my bloody mother just 10 weeks gone, and leaving me sitting on my own while he browses replacement women on Christmas Day is somewhat beyond a grief reaction

Im really sorry @AthelstaneTheUnready It really sucks but agree it is so, so common. I’ve seen it loads including with two very senior men where I work, the type who had PAs and household help so it wasn’t even just the household management stuff - they were already set up with housekeepers etc. I think them remarrying within the year mustve been be so upsetting for their children.

On the plus side, assuming he doesn’t get scammed, I believe men are statistically healthier and live longer in relationships than on their own. And there will be recently widowed, perfectly nice women his age who don’t want to be single either. Though I think he should be looking for them at seniors groups / activities etc . Online is so much riskier for someone who hasn’t dated in such a long time.

I understand why you're upset, but really there's nothing you can do. Your father is not you, and has not reacted as you did when you lost your spouse.

I feel for any woman he gets involved we with. Widowers who have not grieved are fucking awful partners.

Firstly I would be practical and suggest to him you get power of attorney, then to "help" him (sell it to him as help) you can ensure there's only enough accessible money for day to day expenses. I would then sort him out with a good housekeeper/cleaner ideally 2-3 times a week if you can, they can keep an eye too, talk to local agencies, we found an excellent one this way. Then see if there's a local drop in for people like him, weekly lunch etc - there's a mens group that meets at Wetherspoons here all have lost wives but they go drink beer and chat about whatever, not counselling (except of course it does help)

Finally as you are a distance, there's guardianship orgs that could be helpful. I used to do it before I moved, I would go in a couple of times a week bringing in food, check for post, chat to my clients, look at what food they had and make a list for what they need next time and basically report back usually to family a distance away - I also helped hire cleaners, housekeepers and coordinated care packages including for those without relatives (they or their solicitor engaged my services)

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum OP and all I can suggest is carry on doing what you're doing; be there for him, try to gently guide him away from the red flags and carry in with the suggestions of house keeper/meet up groups.

I do agree with pp that say men tend to move on much quicker than women - my FIL was dating a couple of months after my MIL died, he was devastated but couldn't cope being alone and lurched from woman to woman. He did go on to marry again quickly without getting to know the woman properly, and it all ended horribly in dovorce within a couple of years, and financially devavsting for him.

Gold luck op

www.predatorymarriage.uk/

@gogohm that is financial abuse and is illegal.

@tcjotmunfortunately the fathers OP is like my FIL. Not chasing women his own age, but much younger attractive women. That simple leads to lots of knockback or scammers.

I’d be telling him off and unplugging the laptop. Get him some home help in. Silly man

Some of these suggestions are seriously abusive. He is an adult. He is being extremely foolish and unfair to OP. But you cant start controlling another adults life.

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@gogohm that is financial abuse and is illegal.[/quote]
I'm guessing you mean this bit:

Firstly I would be practical and suggest to him you get power of attorney, then to "help" him (sell it to him as help) you can ensure there's only enough accessible money for day to day expenses.

You're totally right, you can't use a Power of Attorney that way for someone who has full capacity. It wouldn't work anyway, he would continue to have access to his accounts, and could withdraw or transfer money wherever he wants. It's still his money.

So sorry for your loss OP.

You must be devastated & worried sick OP. We lost MIL very recently, FIL many years ago, but I know how I would feel if I was in your shoes.

This seems to be how happily married men seem to be after long, happy marriages it’s quite common sadly, as few men I know have done the same thing, keep a close eye on things, he is lonely and vulnerable.

@AuntyBumBum Yes I did. You cant control someones access to their own money if they legally have capacity. However foolish they are being with that money.

A few years ago a older neighbour lost his wife, I was early 30s and he was early 70s. Within one week of her death, he made a move on me. Asked me to be his girlfriend and housekeeper in one go. ‘It’s a big house, need’s someone to look after it’. He also propositioned it in a way that it would be transactional - he got intimacy and companionship, whilst I got the benefit of living in his huge old dusty house. I was so offended and told him he should get a housekeeper.

I think there’s a deep fear in some men in running a household. They don’t know where to begin, so it’s easier to just look for a replacement. Bonus if the woman is younger too I suspect.

I am sorry for the loss of your Mum, it must be so hard.
Your Dad has most probably never lived on his own before and is feeling scared and frightened of the unknown, as well as grieving for your Mum, it can feel very strange and unfamiliar to find yourself alone after a very long relationship and it sounds like he's possibly clutching at straws to try and fill the massive void. He most probably just wants life to feel some kind of normal again. Your Mum may have possibly given him her blessing to find happiness again, previous to her death, he could still be in shock , grief plays out in many ways. Having said that it is very early days and l can only imagine how hurtful this is for you. l think its very easy to panic and think your never going to find anyone after a devastating death, maybe he would be better finding a mixed group for widows in his local area, people who are in the same boat, who meet up for coffee, something to eat, a day out etc,.or try widowed only online sites, saying that l dont know how well these sites are vetted, and he is extremely vulnerable.

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@tcjotmunfortunately the fathers OP is like my FIL. Not chasing women his own age, but much younger attractive women. That simple leads to lots of knockback or scammers.[/quote]
Agree, what he’s doing isn’t going to end well.

I find it creepy to leap back into another relationship (and it must be so distressing to the OP) but at least meeting women in person through social groups would be safer for him and less worrying for OP.

My condolences OP, sorry to hear about your Mum. My Dad died last year just 3 weeks after diagnosis with a brain tumour. My Mum has been attending the bereavement group at the hospice he died in (first online, now in person) and from what she reports, over half the men in the group (all over 60) have recoupled within 6 months. Some with other female attendees, but most with ladies they met at interest groups like bridge or U3A.

FWIW I would love my Mum to find someone, although I understand what a shock it must be for it to happen after just 8 weeks.

Yikes, it must be very tempting (to you and your brother) to surreptitiously break his internet or start googling "how do I block access to specific websites", but in RL none of us ever do these things, we look glumly on from afar as our adult relatives with capacity (if not sense) do dumbass things.

I suppose at least it's not hoarding?....

There's quite a lot of vitriol aimed at the type of women going after vulnerable men in this thread - gold diggers, scammers, tarts etc
But the widowed men aren't blameless here. Needing a women for housework because they've not helped their wives do anything for umpteen years and so don't know how. Arrogant/entitled enough to believe that someone twenty years their junior is interested. Selfish enough that they put their desires for companionship and their dinner made, above what the women might want out of a relationship.
You could argue that from the woman's perspective, this is a business deal.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I can see it from both sides, however it is way too soon for your father to think about dating, in my opinion. If I was on a dating site it would put me off that he’s looking for a girlfriend so soon after losing his wife. I can’t imagine he will attract a decent candidate…

This happens to my friends father, he met a younger woman (in her sixties) and he only lasted a few more years, she then laid claim to the house, money, possessions etc despite the will. My friend successfully took her to court, but it was a long expensive fight. I’ve no idea what the settlement was but the new wife didn’t get all of the estate.
I think all you can do is advise him to protect himself financially.

Oddly, my mother did start work on him to arrange an LPA with me for after she'd gone. He agreed in principle, so I might bring that back up in the next few weeks. Christ, I wonder if she suspected it might go this way

When my father died I took the opportunity to do LPA for mum. She was fit and well and able. I explained that it would be something to do and put away for the future should it ever be needed. Too late once a person has lost capacity. It was ten years later when we dusted it off and used it briefly before she died.
DH and I have LPAs for each other. If you've ever had to deal with authority without one you wouldn't hesitate.

Is your dad the sort who would like Rotary club or Lions? Also UAE have all kinds of sub groups. Obviously not going to rustle up a housekeeper / wife but might be something to combat lonliness.

On the subject of housekeepers could you research local agencies so you can come up with something to put to him?

@arethereanyleftatall

There's quite a lot of vitriol aimed at the type of women going after vulnerable men in this thread - gold diggers, scammers, tarts etc But the widowed men aren't blameless here. Needing a women for housework because they've not helped their wives do anything for umpteen years and so don't know how. Arrogant/entitled enough to believe that someone twenty years their junior is interested. Selfish enough that they put their desires for companionship and their dinner made, above what the women might want out of a relationship. You could argue that from the woman's perspective, this is a business deal.

Often a ludicrously well paid one. And manipulative.

Thank you for all the suggestions, and opinions, and sharing.

I feel I've slipped back a bit today, am very upset. This is going to be quite self-absorbed, so forgive me, but...

I recognise people grieve, and seek solutions, in different ways. But I'm struggling to balance the needs of my grief against his.

When my mother died, he refused to have me visit for a month. I did consider driving down for him anyway, but he's quite capable of refusing to let me in. So I've been up north on my own, trying to come to terms with it by myself.

I've just lost my mother, and now I'm terrified I'll lose him as well. He's keeping me at a distance and looking for comfort from random internet women instead. I've tried hard to provide what he needs, and have called every day to chat through various things and divert him a bit (at his request, though he won't call me and will complain if I'm an hour or so late calling him). But I also need a bit of support I think, and yet he's pulling away. He ignored me for over half the day on Christmas Day to pursue this, and I feel a bit abandoned when I really need him, us, to be helping each other.

God, how awful for you OP. Have you told him how distasteful and disrespectful you find his behaviour? I appreciate that we all grieve different, but FFS your DM, his wife of 59 years, has only been dead a matter of weeks

As for 'all he's got to offer is money', sadly that's all a cat-fisher wants and he's ripe for the picking if he's inviting people to live with him after 3 emails. The person on the other end of these tawdry exchanges is probably some bloke in an internet cafe in Lagos. Does he realise that?

FGS get LPA in place immediately, before your DF does something catastrophic with his life savings and ends up homeless and destitute while some scammer pockets the lot.

That's part of the problem, he won't recognise a scam because he'll believe the guff as only his due. Very healthy self-esteem...

Yeah, well I'm sorry to be ageist here, but 'there's no fool like an old fool'. I had an old uncle like this. Boring as the day was long. Fell asleep after lunch without fail and sat snoring in his chair. Told the same tedious old stories over and over. Married a woman in her 40s when he was in his 80s (she was his housekeeper first, so beware!), and she and her two 20-something DSs moved into his house and ... I'm sure you can guess the rest.