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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu over argument

114 replies

Whattodonowugh · 26/12/2021 18:48

Sorry for long post. I just dont know what i should do.
So we have been together for 18 months both late 30s.
Things going good, Christmas eve there was a misunderstanding and he picked up what i said wrong and he got mad at me before i had time to explain he had picked me up completely wrong and there was no need to be like this.
Fast forward to Christmas day, still extremely angry, no way to even talk to him about anything, angry responses to texts accusing me of ruining Christmas, phonecards full of nasty names and words.
On Christmas night we had a text conversation where he said he needed to calm down as i have ruined everything,Christmas completely destroyed but he didn't want to break up, he just needs time and will talk to me tomorrow.
Boxing day comes and dont hear from him,so i phone to see if he wants to talk, to be met by a barrage of abuse about how im a selfish so and so and only care about my self, his Christmas was ruined, obviously mine was also but he dosnt see that.
As it stands now, i have decided to ignore him since i just get met with anger when i try to communicate.
I plan to ignore him for atleast the next few days, eventhough he is still sending the odd text message which are just full of anger and nastiness.

Im my opinion, there was no need for it to escalate to this level, but he feels its perfectly justified.

Aibu to believe that he is being the selfish one here, and once he stops being angry he will realise exactly how much he has screwed up?

OP posts:
ICalledYouLastNightFromGlasgow · 27/12/2021 09:16

Mumsnet say LTB too often but this time I agree. He sounds like an utter knob. He's calling you names over that? He can't get over that? Christmas was ruined by that? Get rid and be grateful you got a warning before it gets worse.

Other thing is it sounds like he has used this as an excuse to not see you. I wonder why? He's at it.

pictish · 27/12/2021 09:23

He was LOOKING for an opportunity to create. If he hadn’t ‘misheard’ you he’d have found something else. I know that because he wasn’t the slightest bit interested in hearing you out or finding resolution. He wanted to abuse you and sabotage your Christmas. He’ll have felt powerful and in control, which he extended by continuing to abuse you via text.
This is not a reasonable or reciprocal man…this is a cunt.

Up to you what you do about him.

pictish · 27/12/2021 09:25

I mean, who causes this much strife and doles out abuse over a misheard comment except an utter shit?
Reasonable people don’t carry on this way.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 27/12/2021 09:28

Have my very first ever LTB. This will be your life every special occasion if you chose to continue seeing him.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 27/12/2021 09:29

And he knows full well he ruined your Christmas, he's revelling in it.

pictish · 27/12/2021 09:30

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

Have my very first ever LTB. This will be your life every special occasion if you chose to continue seeing him.
Yup.
Shepandawing · 27/12/2021 09:33

Can you put up with this type of reaction to an argument long term? I think this is giving you an insight into your future

pictish · 27/12/2021 09:36

Sabotaging special occasions/holidays/days out etc is a hallmark of the abuser and narcissist. They can’t stand to see their partner happy and enjoying things that they are not in control of. Outside influences of happiness, such as celebrations, are to be scorned and/or ruined so the focus remains entirely where they think it belongs; them.

LowlandLucky · 27/12/2021 09:41

Block him and move on. If you stay you have just proved to him that his temper will always get you to back down.

runsmidgeOMG · 27/12/2021 09:43

@pictish

Sabotaging special occasions/holidays/days out etc is a hallmark of the abuser and narcissist. They can’t stand to see their partner happy and enjoying things that they are not in control of. Outside influences of happiness, such as celebrations, are to be scorned and/or ruined so the focus remains entirely where they think it belongs; them.
This !!!!!! My ex used to do this all the time !!!

OP this isn't you it's him (still interested to know what the misunderstanding was mind !) what an ultimate prick... has he done anything like this before ? Literally dump, delete, block....

GabriellaMontez · 27/12/2021 09:45

He's a total knob. End it.

Is this the first time something like this has happened?

Faevern · 27/12/2021 09:47

OK on the basis of your update I can’t understand how he could be so angry. There must be a background, has he reacted like this before? Having said that nothing deserves 3 days of abuse, just end it.

Kajjjer93 · 27/12/2021 10:08

Get rid of him. If he gets upset over that, imagine how he'll react over normal stressful events or any real issues.

pictish · 27/12/2021 10:08

@Whattodonowugh

The disagreement was over i said to him not to worry about calling over christmas eve as im sure he was busy. He obviously heard dont bother calling over on christmas eve because im too busy. Never got a chance to explain he heard me wrong as was accused of backtracking.
Even if you HAD intimated that you would be too busy for a phone call on Christmas Eve, (I know you didn’t, but hypothetically) that’s STILL no basis for three days of abuse is it? Check his sense of entitlement over you…he thinks he OWNS you.

As it is, you didn’t say that - but he’s pretending you did so he can bully you with abandon. Absolute ghoul.

WumbenWimpundWoomud · 27/12/2021 10:08

OP, he doesn’t like you. To unleash so much anger and nastiness towards you over something so unimportant- he either really dislikes you or he is unloading other anger onto you. Neither is good. And if he does calm down and apologise, so what? The damage is done and by you accepting his apology he knows he can do it again. And he will. Don’t accept this for yourself. You wouldn’t for a friend. He has overstepped a boundary and you need to protect yourself.

MellowMelly · 27/12/2021 10:30

This reminds me of my ex...
He hated Christmas because it stressed him out so he would cause a scene with me and unleash his anger on me so he felt better. He then started to do this on other special occasions. It became a pattern. It's amazing how long he could carry a sulk on for and of course it was always my fault so I was punished accordingly with angry texts and the phone put down on me and he, of course, played victim.
I think this is your warning sign from him op. I wouldn't ignore this.

akeys1970 · 27/12/2021 10:39

As the others have said there is no excuse for abusive behaviour.

Walk away while you can.

I spent 17 years with an emotionally abusive partner they suck the life out of you until you don't recognise yourself anymore.

pictish · 27/12/2021 10:40

One of the things that allow people like this to carry on the way they do, is the disbelief of reasonable people that such malevolent people exist and walk among us as if perfectly normal. We look for explanations, reasons, excuses to rationalise their malicious behaviour because it’s so far removed from how we would behave ourselves. There MUST be a reason, a misunderstanding, a communication breakdown, a hurt that has not healed, a fault of ours that hasn’t taken this person’s logic into account…anything other than recognise the truth…a cunt’s a cunt because they are. The reluctance to accept that isn’t because we’re naive, it’s because we judge that cunt by our own standards and we wouldn’t be such a cunt.
They know we want to sympathise and they exploit it…because they’re cunts.
He’ll ruin you.

fuckoffImcounting · 27/12/2021 10:51

A grown man saying "you have ruined Christmas" - did you hide his Christmas stocking.

inheritancetrack · 27/12/2021 10:54

I suppose if you had said what he said you said in a nasty tone of voice, his reaction is understandable but you didn't and he wouldn't even allow you to explain, therefore this relationship has to end as he is showing you the real him

pictish · 27/12/2021 11:01

“You have ruined Christmas.” =

Gaslighting
Projecting
Victim reversal
Controlling
Insulting
Harassment
Bullying

And at the end of all that….expects an apology. LOL!

pictish · 27/12/2021 11:06

You didn’t ruin Christmas and you know it. You KNOW it. Don’t let this selfish, aggressive person tell you you did.

pictish · 27/12/2021 11:10

I’m so invested in this because he’s a TEXTBOOK FUCKING WANKER.

jelly79 · 27/12/2021 11:56

If you put up with this you will show him where your boundaries are and it will happen again. Regularly

RiverSkater · 27/12/2021 13:22

@pictish

One of the things that allow people like this to carry on the way they do, is the disbelief of reasonable people that such malevolent people exist and walk among us as if perfectly normal. We look for explanations, reasons, excuses to rationalise their malicious behaviour because it’s so far removed from how we would behave ourselves. There MUST be a reason, a misunderstanding, a communication breakdown, a hurt that has not healed, a fault of ours that hasn’t taken this person’s logic into account…anything other than recognise the truth…a cunt’s a cunt because they are. The reluctance to accept that isn’t because we’re naive, it’s because we judge that cunt by our own standards and we wouldn’t be such a cunt. They know we want to sympathise and they exploit it…because they’re cunts. He’ll ruin you.
This is a really interesting, I've always struggled with my toxic sister because I couldn't understand why she as the was she was to me. I couldn't live with myself if I behaved the way she did and would do exactly as you said, struggling to understand.

OP this man is manipulating and nasty, please tell himself it's over. The continued nastiness is entirely unwarranted. Sounds like he's actually enjoying tying you in knots.
Is that somebody you really want to be with?