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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu over argument

114 replies

Whattodonowugh · 26/12/2021 18:48

Sorry for long post. I just dont know what i should do.
So we have been together for 18 months both late 30s.
Things going good, Christmas eve there was a misunderstanding and he picked up what i said wrong and he got mad at me before i had time to explain he had picked me up completely wrong and there was no need to be like this.
Fast forward to Christmas day, still extremely angry, no way to even talk to him about anything, angry responses to texts accusing me of ruining Christmas, phonecards full of nasty names and words.
On Christmas night we had a text conversation where he said he needed to calm down as i have ruined everything,Christmas completely destroyed but he didn't want to break up, he just needs time and will talk to me tomorrow.
Boxing day comes and dont hear from him,so i phone to see if he wants to talk, to be met by a barrage of abuse about how im a selfish so and so and only care about my self, his Christmas was ruined, obviously mine was also but he dosnt see that.
As it stands now, i have decided to ignore him since i just get met with anger when i try to communicate.
I plan to ignore him for atleast the next few days, eventhough he is still sending the odd text message which are just full of anger and nastiness.

Im my opinion, there was no need for it to escalate to this level, but he feels its perfectly justified.

Aibu to believe that he is being the selfish one here, and once he stops being angry he will realise exactly how much he has screwed up?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/12/2021 21:04

Id dump him if I were you. He's probably going to be like this every Xmas, every birthday and cant be rational like a normal person. It sounds as if he has issues too big for you to handle.
Also way too much drama. He sounds completely hysterical.

plinkplinkfizzer · 26/12/2021 21:13

OK so heading into the new year you are unsure of his reaction ,move on.

WonderfulYou · 26/12/2021 21:24

I can’t believe you’re late 30s I thought you were going to be teens!

Just send him a message and tell him it’s over and to please not contact you again. Then ignore all of his texts and calls.

Life is too short and you’re too old to be playing such immature games. He’s shown you his true colours, it won’t get any better.

user1471442488 · 26/12/2021 21:30

What an arsehole. Dump him, or you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of this shit.

girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 21:33

@Whattodonowugh

The disagreement was over i said to him not to worry about calling over christmas eve as im sure he was busy. He obviously heard dont bother calling over on christmas eve because im too busy. Never got a chance to explain he heard me wrong as was accused of backtracking.
Yeah he's a massive prick and he can fuck off.

If he'd have thought you'd have told him you'd slept with his best friend and you didn't bother correcting him over Christmas Day and Boxing Day I might understand his behaviour but Jesus Christ...

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2021 21:36

He has shown you he is very immature. I'd dump him, block him and move on. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

It almost sounds like he wants you to dump him, so do you both a favour and do it.

QuestionNumberOne · 26/12/2021 21:41

Hideous dickhead. As a PP said, dump by text and block everywhere.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 26/12/2021 21:51

I'd send him one last message or voice note saying You're leaving things now. His behaviour is way out of proportion, and anyway, whatever the misunderstanding had been, continued abuse is not the right way to respond. Even if it had been something bad, he should just have just ended things. If someone can't even resolve a misunderstanding that doesn't bode well for a relationship.

k1233 · 26/12/2021 22:08

Wow. If that's his response to a very minor misunderstanding I'd hate to see what happens for something serious. I'd get feeling hurt you were too busy to see him (based on his interpretation of what you said) but to carry on with excessive anger for days leaves me speechless. I'd thank my stars to have seen this behaviour before you got married and run as fast as I could anywhere but with him.

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 27/12/2021 06:15

@Whattodonowugh

The disagreement was over i said to him not to worry about calling over christmas eve as im sure he was busy. He obviously heard dont bother calling over on christmas eve because im too busy. Never got a chance to explain he heard me wrong as was accused of backtracking.
Wow. He has anger problems.

Get out while you can.

Lolalovesmarmite · 27/12/2021 06:38

Do not get in any deeper with this man. Just end it and block him. It’s not a misunderstanding, he’s created a situation whereby he can ‘punish’ you and he’s making you responsible for his feelings and him losing his temper.

This is a fork in the road for you:

Stay and you show him that you will tolerate being treated like this. It will happen more and more often and before you know it you will find yourself in a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship.

Leave and show him and yourself that you are worth more than being someone else’s emotional punchbag.

For what it’s worth, I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have had arguments and many misunderstandings but he has never once shouted at me, sworn at me or refused to speak to me. If you care about someone then you treat them with respect, even if you disagree.

curlii103 · 27/12/2021 06:43

Even if you had said that youre allowed to be busy! Thats not a reasonable reaction at all

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 27/12/2021 06:50

Is this the way you want to continue in a relationship OP?

personally id end this relationship, if this is the way he acts over something so trivial, then imagine how he behaves over the real stuff!

Lex345 · 27/12/2021 06:59

He is telling you that you have ruined Christmas over this 😳 OP seriously, he is showing you loud and clear exactly who he is and this is just the preview. Can you imagine how he would react to an actual issue? What if you lived together and he became this angry over something, what then? What if you had children with this man and one of them said something a little bit insensitive or not to his liking?
There are huge, massive red flags here. Please see them. This is not OK in any shape or form and you deserve better. End it.

Absolutelyguttedxmas · 27/12/2021 07:34

Massive overreaction, but whatever you did, calling you names and abusing you is not acceptable. You should be mad at HIM and calling it a day.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 27/12/2021 07:35

You’re only planning to ignore him for a few days?

I’d be ignoring him permanently.

I think you should too.

DixieSun · 27/12/2021 07:38

Are you sure he's not married and picked a fight on purpose as a reason not to see you over Christmas?

Dump him either way. What a saddo.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/12/2021 07:46

Even if you HAD said that, why explode?

Delete his number. If this is how he behaves when he feels hurt, it’s just not worth it. Imagine what he’d do if you really did say something with intention that he didn’t like? What would he do if you ACTUALLY fell out?

Ridiculous overreaction.

SmallElephant · 27/12/2021 07:48

Surely he's done this on purpose? Even if you'd said what he thought that would still be a massive overreaction!

gamerchick · 27/12/2021 07:52

@Whattodonowugh

The disagreement was over i said to him not to worry about calling over christmas eve as im sure he was busy. He obviously heard dont bother calling over on christmas eve because im too busy. Never got a chance to explain he heard me wrong as was accused of backtracking.
That's it? Not that what he's done is acceptable for any crime tbh

Send him a text saying you can't be in a relationship with a man who abuses you and tries to control you with anger. That you wish him well but don't want to see him again.

Then you'll see what he's truly about.

Seriously OP, show him what a high boundary you have to this shit.

DropYourSword · 27/12/2021 07:55

Block him and move on. SURELY you can’t want to live your life with someone who behaves like this. You’re better off without!

LadyGAgain · 27/12/2021 08:11

He's a man-child and an abusive one at that. You're only 18 months in. I'd be starting the new year free of him. Block his number so you're not receiving the abuse and rise above. He must have a whole heavy layer of insecurity to have taken that comment so negatively.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/12/2021 08:11

Really have nothing more to do with him OP

His reaction is absolutely unreasonable - he’s just deliberately trying to mess with you and ruin your Christmas. It’s a power trip to see what he can get away withz

jay55 · 27/12/2021 09:10

Nothing you say warrants this sort of reaction.
He's a dick.

Don't spend the next few years on eggshells waiting for his next abusive explosion.

ChristmasFluff · 27/12/2021 09:11

At the very least, this is how he deals with conflict, so unless you want this to be the way things go for the rest of your life, bin him off

At worst, he's an abuser - and it does sound that way.

Either way, if you continue with this relationship, you will not be happy, ultimately. He is not going to change, and is way mor elikely to get worse.

Please understand that the person you thought you met does not exist. This is the real person he is.

And look at what he is doing to you - you are becoming a person who is playing stupid 'ignoring' games because of his abusive behaviour.

Instead, for your own health, go No Contact and stay that way. The silent treatment (what you are doing now) is manipulative and can even be abusive, because it is done with the intention of hurting someone and thus forcing them to behave as you would like. Whereas No Contact is a way of removing an abuser from your life for good.

No Contact is what is needed here, not the silent treatment.