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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm usually not unreasonable, but is my judgment clouded?

85 replies

MrsKellySeveride · 26/12/2021 17:46

Hi all knowing Mumsnetters

I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable regarding DS17 and car insurance.

Bit of background - DS17 lives 99% of the time with me, visiting his Dad occasionally overnight (this has gone from once EOW for a good number of years when DS was younger, to nil over the last 2-3 years as DS truly saw who his Dad was as a person and didn't like it much, to once every few weeks as DS has started working for his Dad (I could write a whole other thread on this but DS views it as due to the fact that his Dad only pays £14/week maintenance as he's self employed and can basically declare whatever he likes, it's a way of getting some money out of his Dad in a job that he does quite like) and some shifts start early or finish late.

DS has been learning to drive, both with an instructor (which DS pays for mainly but with me helping him out if he's short for whatever reason) and in my car, for which I pay quite a hefty sum as it's a new car and he's on a provisional licence. He has a practical test booked for mid Jan which could go either way due to DS being a little too over confident but generally a pretty safe driver.

Now, here's the problem - DS's Dad has acquired (someone he knows was upgrading so he got it cheap, but whatever, it is still very generous) a car for DS for Christmas. It's old but pretty reasonable for a first car (originally, his Dad wanted to get him something much too big and powerful for a new driver which would have cost £8000+ to insure until I stepped in and said no). He has arranged MOT, tax and recovery and the vehicle is insured for drivers with a full driving licence through his business vehicle insurance. DS's Dad has asked that I research insurance (he has offered to pay half) for DS to be able to drive the car whilst learning with me in the vehicle as he's here the majority of the time. I've currently not got the headspace for this as I work full time 12 hour nights with very little in the way of back-up. I have asked that ExH sorts out insurance as it isn't fair that his gift puts more work and responsibility onto me and potentially costs me, although he has said he will reimburse me.

DS is really excited about this and I can see that it is a really generous gift for a 17yr old. Obviously, he wants to bring the car home and start practicing in it once it is insured but I feel that I have already arranged for insurance for him on a (my) car and already giving quite a lot of time supervising him. I have asked that the car remains at his Dad's until he passes his test and is properly insured.

ExH has said I am unreasonable for not wanting to sort more insurance out on a car I have had nothing to do with the purchase of because "he lives with you". We also got into a bit of a heated discussion, (although not an argument as I will not be drawn into a slanging match, I've been doing the single parent thing for 15 years, I'm way past arguments) because I only have 1 space to park on my drive and ExH thinks the DS's car should be parked on the drive and mine on the road so that I'm not having to move 2 cars about to get on and off my drive.

I'm really trying to be gracious and grateful on DS's behalf but can't help but feeling his gift to DS should not adversely impact my life so much. I have explained that it will be at least the first week of January before I have the time to look at insurance properly which is potentially only 2 weeks away from DS's test!

Sorry about the jumbled thoughts, this is how my life is working nights and waking up to problems which I haven't brought on myself!!

Thanks for reading and Happy Boxing Day!!

OP posts:

Itonlytakesonetree · 26/12/2021 17:50

Can DS do the insurance legwork instead? As long as he doesn't commit to anything and just does the research.

colourfulpuddles · 26/12/2021 17:52

YABU. It’s just insurance. And you had no right to stop your ex buying whatever car he wanted to buy his son.

It’s also not acceptable for you to say DS can’t bring his own car to his own house.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 26/12/2021 17:55

My exh - never paid a penny in over 5 years for ds - gave him a car for his 17th.. Paid extra for flash alloys and tinted windows. Paid for insurance and lessons. I told ds I catagogically won't be paying for anything.. I drove him to his theory and have taken him out in it for extra lessons but I won't have exh dictate what I spend my money on..
So ds got a pt job alongside of college.
Failed 2 tests. 1 booked for next week. Paid for by himself. Not being mean but ds goes to college at the end of our road and his mates live walking distance .. No need for a car right now.

Branleuse · 26/12/2021 17:56

Tell them both that you support the nice car thing. But ultimately this is between him and his dad and that you cant facilitate all this extra work and faff when you are working full time and to stop putting it on you. Youre not stopping him whatsoever but youre also not signing up to do all the donkeywork yet again while he gets to just throw money at it without commitimg any time or effort and expecting that bit to be down to you (again) while he gets the glory

negomi90 · 26/12/2021 17:56

DS should be able to investigate the insurance himself and get quotes which you can look at.
He will need to know when you and his dad passed their tests and if anyone has points.
He should investigate quotes pre and post test and also if putting an a parent as a 2nd driver lowers the cost. (As long as DS is the primary driver and listed as such, you can put others on as 2nd/3rd drivers, they don't have to actually drive the car).
DS should be able to do all of this.

QueenCarrot · 26/12/2021 17:56

Get DS to do his own research for his insurance and run the results past you and ex for approval. My son did this at 17 and became so proficient at finding the best results that he is now my go-to when I am looking for insurance.

You are not being unreasonable but you are not going to change ex and this is a good skill for your son to have.

ThePoint678 · 26/12/2021 17:57

Just make DS research it. It isn’t your problem.

3scape · 26/12/2021 17:58

Your ex can't be that busy. Couldn't they do it together in some learning exercise for dealing with these things?

ShippingNews · 26/12/2021 17:58

I agree with pp - if your son is old enough to start driving , and has been given a car , he is old enough to do the research on insurance coverage. Challenge him to find the best possible deal, and then he can report back to his dad with the results.

Once he gets his license, surely he can have the car at his own home ? You wanting it kept at his father's place seems wrong.

growinggreyer · 26/12/2021 17:59

No, you won't be doing any research for insurance for a car you did not buy, do not own, will not be driving. Ha ha ha, what a funny joke etc. And your car will be parked in its own spot, as you are the adult who parks it there. Raise your eyebrows and look astonished at any suggestions to the contrary. Your son needs to learn that you are an adult with your own right to go about your life. If a man tells you to do something you don't want to, you get to say NO and carry on as you were.

Chimley · 26/12/2021 17:59

@Branleuse

This.

Not your gift, not your problem. Gently but firmly put the ball back in his court.

Undisclosedlocation · 26/12/2021 18:01

If DS is old enough to drive, he’s old enough to sort insurance out too!

As for the driveway……your house,your choice. The ex doesn’t get a say

girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 18:01

They can sort the insurance between themselves.

He wants DS to park the car on your drive so the insurance is cheaper than being parked on the road. Not your problem.

Original poster

MrsKellySeveride · 26/12/2021 18:01

@colourfulpuddles

YABU. It’s just insurance. And you had no right to stop your ex buying whatever car he wanted to buy his son.

It’s also not acceptable for you to say DS can’t bring his own car to his own house.

The car his Dad originally wanted to buy was a 2L turbo diesel. The insurance would have cost £8000+ (I did do the research on this!) Is it unreasonable to want a SAFE car with a less powerful engine for a novice driver? I'm not sure I want to share the road with 17yr old new drivers with powerful cars they aren't experienced enough to handle safely.

DS is more than welcome to bring the car home when it's insured. I'm just struggling with why that insurance involves me when I've already arranged for him to be insured on mine. He can't drive either car without me enthusiastically sat in the passenger seat.

OP posts:

HirplesWithHaggis · 26/12/2021 18:03

I don't think you can insure the same car twice. Worth ds checking that out first.

RandomMess · 26/12/2021 18:03

Stand firm. He's not parking on the drive and you aren't sorting out the insurance.

Drunkpanda · 26/12/2021 18:04

There's no point doing it before the test in January imo.
Why would you have to move two cars if he parked on the road? He can find his own space for his own car, I assume you yours yours daily to go to work.

Original poster

MrsKellySeveride · 26/12/2021 18:05

@ShippingNews

Once he gets his license, surely he can have the car at his own home ? You wanting it kept at his father's place seems wrong.

Once he's passed his test and the car is insured I'm happy for it to be at home as DS can park it wherever he wants. His Dad wants DS's uninsured (as yet) car which he cannot drive without me to be parked on the drive and mine be on the road.

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 26/12/2021 18:09

Don’t get drawn into it, dh and ds need to sort it out.

Don’t include the drive, and leave them to it

Original poster

MrsKellySeveride · 26/12/2021 18:09

@Drunkpanda

There's no point doing it before the test in January imo. Why would you have to move two cars if he parked on the road? He can find his own space for his own car, I assume you yours yours daily to go to work.

Ours is the only house on the road with a dropped curb and driveway so it's pretty chock-a-block on the road. The only space left is across our drive so for me to get off my drive I'd have to move DS's car (he can't legally drive his without me so I can't just say "DS, I'm off to work, shift your car") then move mine, then put his back on the drive in place of mine. And repeat backwards when I got home.

Absolutely, it can come home when he can drive it and is insured appropriately, never had a problem with that.

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 26/12/2021 18:10

it’s just insurance

I assume @colourfulpuddles that you don’t have teenagers who require car insurance? My eldest’s insurance cost the guts of £3500.

I’d also bet that the fleet insurance won’t cover a new 17 year old driver,

TiddlesTheTiger · 26/12/2021 18:10

ExH sorts out the insurance and pays, or they both wait a couple of weeks to see if DS passes his test.
Not your problem.

Cuck00soup · 26/12/2021 18:17

Although I’m inclined to agree it’s not your issue, if you want to sort this for a quiet life, you could try marmalade juice.

They do insurance for teen’s with provisional licences to drive their parent’s cars. You can pay month by month which is good if it’s just for a few weeks.

godmum56 · 26/12/2021 18:20

just say "not my circus not my monkeys" rinse and repeat. If son wants a drive to park on he can have one when he has his own house.

Cuck00soup · 26/12/2021 18:20

Looks like they are now called we are marmalade

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