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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father constantly asking me where my money comes from…?

118 replies

Aloha7373 · 26/12/2021 13:11

Basically: AIBU to think my father constantly asks me about my finances for toxic/jealous reasons? Or is it just insensitive curiosity?…

He used to do it when I was much younger (16/17), always saying things like “You’re going out???” “With what money????” “How are you affording a big night out on the other side of London?” “I think you’re really irresponsible spending the money you earn” etc etc.

Cut to today (I’m now 30). Every single piece of news about my life is responded to with the same questions. For example - I got engaged last year, and instead of congratulating me he just said, “But how will you afford a wedding?” “Didn’t you just get a car???” “I just think you should be looking after your money and not blowing it on getting married”.

I’ve just told him my husband and I are buying a house, and I got the same exact inquisition. No “congrats,” no “how wonderful!” Nothing except “But HOW?????? WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR MONEY FROM?” “Didn’t you just get married?” “I just don’t understand where you seem to be sourcing infinite money.”

I’ve literally earned every penny I’ve ever spent. And my parents have never given me money towards my wedding, car, university nothing (except for bringing me up in their house of course). I’ve always just worked my absolute arse off for the things I want!

AIBU to think this is coming from a place of bitter jealousy in order to bring me down? Or is this normal/innocent behaviour?

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 26/12/2021 13:12

Is he generally quite money oriented or is it just in relation to you?

Anordinarymum · 26/12/2021 13:13

I think some of it may come from a different age, a different way of thinking and worries about you being able to afford things he never could when he worked all of his life and had very little to show for it etc etc...

Redshoeblueshoe · 26/12/2021 13:15

It's not normal behaviour. My DC are adults it would never enter my head to ask questions like that.

GirlOfTudor · 26/12/2021 13:16

That's just really odd. Unless you're unemployed I don't feel that's a normal response. It must be rooted in jealousy.

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2021 13:16

Do you ever reply "working how else?"

Shedmistress · 26/12/2021 13:18

'well dad, when I am not here talking to you, during the week, I so this thing called 'work', to earn income and I use it to live my life. I genuinely thought you knew'.

ShippingNews · 26/12/2021 13:18

I'm probably the same vintage as your father - this isn't anything to do with his age, it's just his character. In your situation I'd brush it off with a comment like "I robbed a bank" and change the subject.

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2021 13:19

Do you justify yourself when asked this?

If I was continually asked this I would reply constantly with a stock answer

Why do you want to know?

Then definitely not justify my spending.

I do not know how much my dd earns or spends, it’s her business and I don’t comment as it’s not my affair. Both are adults and in there 20s

It’s odd behaviour

VikingOnTheFridge · 26/12/2021 13:20

Tell him you're a drug dealer. Or an international jewel thief.

JustLyra · 26/12/2021 13:20

Does he understand your job?

My MIL's parents used to be baffled by her financial independence until it emerged that they completely misunderstood her career. Turned out they had been deeply concerned for years that she was racking up debt because the job they thought she did would in no way pay to the level she was spending.

Laserbird16 · 26/12/2021 13:20

I think just say what you said here, I've worked my arse off dad that's where I get my money.

Only you know your dad but how are his finances? Sounds like he's projecting his worries on to you. Also sometimes people are weird and this is how they make conversation. Maybe just tell him you'd like him to recognise this is a major milestone not play accountant everytime you do something.

PermanentTemporary · 26/12/2021 13:20

Just say, 'I work hard and earn plenty of money. Want to hear more about the house?'

I would cut him a bit of slack, people have a lot of hidden worries about money. My dad went bankrupt years ago and that was one stage on a lifetime of financial messes. All of his kids including me have a weird attitude to money. I have to admit I'm sometimes amazed whrn young people seem able to afford a lot of things because I was on such low wages for so long, I'm simply not used to the idea of serious income.

Youdoyoutoday · 26/12/2021 13:20

He sounds odd but surely he knows you work so just say by working hard and saving!!

Parents are odd sometimes though, I'd only have to say oh that's a nice sofa on an advert and my mum would go mad shouting telling me I don't need a new sofa, spending money etc. I would just tell her to calm the fuck down, maybe you need to do the same!

Sarahlou63 · 26/12/2021 13:22

He could be worried that you are going into debt and/or not having savings. Why don't you ask him why he's concerned?

HollowTalk · 26/12/2021 13:22

Do you earn more than he's earned? How easily does he spend his own money?

wonderstuff · 26/12/2021 13:23

My FiL used to be like this. He was also convinced that we were unable to look after our money and tried tell us how to spend it/save it.

I basically made money a topic that was completely unacceptable - any time he mentioned it I said I wasn't going to discuss and changed the subject. It took a while but he got the message and we haven't had any conversations like that for years.

WeaverofWords · 26/12/2021 13:23

You think it’s coming from a point of jealousy but I think maybe it’s coming from a point of concern. Really he’s asking for reassurance. Just reassure him that you’re earning enough, as you have done here with us!

malificent7 · 26/12/2021 13:24

Not normal....odd.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 26/12/2021 13:26

I think it might be a bit of an age thing, also perhaps betraying his own worries about money - that he couldn’t have afforded what you are about to buy/do at your age, and so he genuinely can’t see how it is possible and is worried about you taking on debt etc.

If you get a jealously vibe, maybe it is there a bit too.

I would tackle this head on. Next time he makes that comment I would say “You always ask me that, Dad, why? What’s worrying you?” He’ll either say nothing, or something about hoping you have enough money. Then I’d just said “All good, Dad. I’m a great saver, must have learnt from the best, eh?” Then change the subject immediately “are those new curtains?l or “How’s Jim down the road?”

Then the next time just say again “You always ask me that, Dad”.

thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2021 13:31

My maternal grandfather was like this: obsessed with saving money and very short termist approach; he never saw the value in anything which didn’t bring immediate benefits. He would have reacted very much like this: he discouraged my mum from going to university because of the expense and encouraged her to marry a rich man instead.

I think it’s a generational thing: people from a certain generation were utterly paranoid about money and determined to live within their means even at the cost of their own happiness.

Original poster
Aloha7373 · 26/12/2021 13:31

Thanks for all the replies so far, I thought I was being really nasty for thinking this way but it does seem like it’s not normal behaviour to any of you guys, either!

Yes, I have explained to him where my money comes from (perhaps too much to be honest, his relentless questions make me squirm to the point I feel like I’m apologetically talking through my bank accounts/outgoings). But he always replies with “hmmmmmm, okaayyy”, with a raised eyebrow, as if to suggest I’m lying about it or something I’ve said isn’t good enough. Sigh.

OP posts:
SundayTeatime · 26/12/2021 13:33

I think it could be from a position of concern. If he worries about money and finances and security, he is just looking out for you. Just reassure him you have plenty of money - I assume you do - and have budgeted and won’t go into any debt or put the expenses all on credit cards.

Original poster
Aloha7373 · 26/12/2021 13:35

@wonderstuff

My FiL used to be like this. He was also convinced that we were unable to look after our money and tried tell us how to spend it/save it.

I basically made money a topic that was completely unacceptable - any time he mentioned it I said I wasn't going to discuss and changed the subject. It took a while but he got the message and we haven't had any conversations like that for years.

Yes I think this might have to be my tactic!
OP posts:
Original poster
Aloha7373 · 26/12/2021 13:35

Oh and also to pp’s questions about his own finances, funny you ask - I never quiz him on these things so no idea! Even though I probably should! But fwiw he’s in a nice house with my mother, they’ve paid off their mortgage, they have a car - definitely not “wealthy” but definitely comfortable enough to not be worried about themselves (that’s the impression I have anyway). But perhaps I can return his questions next time and find out ;)

OP posts:
Lemonopolis1 · 26/12/2021 13:36

I’ve got relatives exactly the same. I don’t think it comes with any malice so I think yabu there, some people are just bloody obsessed with money. I find myself avoiding mentioning certain things because I know it will just turn to that. So annoying so I feel your pain completely!