Father constantly asking me where my money comes from…?

[Aloha7373]

Basically: AIBU to think my father constantly asks me about my finances for toxic/jealous reasons? Or is it just insensitive curiosity?…

He used to do it when I was much younger (16/17), always saying things like “You’re going out???” “With what money????” “How are you affording a big night out on the other side of London?” “I think you’re really irresponsible spending the money you earn” etc etc.

Cut to today (I’m now 30). Every single piece of news about my life is responded to with the same questions. For example - I got engaged last year, and instead of congratulating me he just said, “But how will you afford a wedding?” “Didn’t you just get a car???” “I just think you should be looking after your money and not blowing it on getting married”.

I’ve just told him my husband and I are buying a house, and I got the same exact inquisition. No “congrats,” no “how wonderful!” Nothing except “But HOW?????? WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR MONEY FROM?” “Didn’t you just get married?” “I just don’t understand where you seem to be sourcing infinite money.”

I’ve literally earned every penny I’ve ever spent. And my parents have never given me money towards my wedding, car, university nothing (except for bringing me up in their house of course). I’ve always just worked my absolute arse off for the things I want!

AIBU to think this is coming from a place of bitter jealousy in order to bring me down? Or is this normal/innocent behaviour?

My parents were children of the Great Depression and were always financially conservative. Not 'penny-pinchers', we always had what we needed and a bit of what we wanted. But they very rarely used credit and always 'paid themselves first' with savings and investing.

They were never rude or 'blatant' in asking pointed questions about our finances like your dad, but they did always stress things like shopping around for major purchases, having a 'rainy day fund', and the importance of a job that included a pension and putting money away for retirement. But it came from a place of concern for our financial future, not nosiness or a sense of distrust in our ability to manage our money. And in fact, DH and I were able to retire in our mid-50s in large part due to their example of not living (too much) beyond our means and choosing the right careers.

Could your dad, although expressing it very rudely, be concerned that you are not planning for your future? Maybe next time he does this, just say "Dad, why do you ask?" and keep repeating it until you get an answer or he drops the subject.

If you're financially savvy and never have asked him for help then he's out of order.

We have a relative who is a financial disaster, has periods of very well-paid work interspersed with periods of unemployment. He spends extravagantly when he's in work, never saves a penny, and then has had to resort to soup kitchens and food banks when he has no money to be able to eat. He usually begs family for money when he's destitute (we say no). I try to stay off the topic of money with him, but he gets very irritated if anyone suggests he reins it in a bit when he's wasting money on crap. But I think in that case he has no right to ask those same people for help when he he's living in poverty.

Anyway, the only situation I can think of that could justify one person suggesting to another adult to be more careful is where that person thinks they will be asked to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong.

Just say " I earn my money and I spend my money as I see fit".

No need to mention numbers at all. If he persists and demands answers you just say "MYOB. I don't ask questions about your income and spending. "

I basically made money a topic that was completely unacceptable - any time he mentioned it I said I wasn't going to discuss and changed the subject

Very much agree with this; my own late, hideously abusive father was the same since he just couldn't cope with my having made a success of myself with my own business

I did once consider telling him I'd moved into drugs/prostitution to give him to something to really think about, but that's probably not a good idea ...

Let me say this as a parent of adults. It is fucking bizarre. In no way would I want to cut down my children in this way. I honestly can not imagine doing all the hard work of raising my children to be independent beings in this world, and then treating them the way your father treats you. I know people do this. But you are his legacy. You have his DNA, presumably. You're what he will leave behind when he's gone. You'll also bear witness. And yet he's so ugly. It's a mystery.

My parents wouldn't ask this question, but my Gran would when she was alive. It did seem a bit intrusive but she meant well - she was worried I might be over stretching myself.

I believe the MN recommended response to inappropriate nosiness is “trunky want a bun?”

Apart from answering 'Drug dealing' or 'Onlyfans' a more sensible answer would be 'Why do you ask?'

It turns it on him and makes him uncomfortable instead of you.

You will probably find that the answer will boil down to some variation of him not understanding that your job actually pays very well, he still thinks in money figures that relate to the 1980s, he still pictures you as a small child who lost £10 down the back of the sofa and couldn't possibly have a pension plan

We experienced all of these from FIL who appeared to have formed images of all his children aged about 8 and despite them now being 40, he still had them down as 'the responsible one''the reckless one' and so on. Fine if you were the responsible one but poor BIL apparently couldn't be trusted with money based on his breaking a window with a football as a child

Does it REALLY come from a place of concern? (As several posters have suggested...) I don't think so.

I think in the vast majority of cases, criticism and people poking around in your business, and asking stuff, (especially about finances, and how you afford stuff,) does NOT come from a place of concern.

It comes from a place of sticky-beakiness, nosiness, jealousy, envy, and curiosity. It rarely comes from a place of concern. Why the F would anyone be 'concerned' that a grown-ass woman with her own life, career, home, and income, is buying her own car and getting married?

The OP's father (like many other people,) has no boundaries, and he is nosey and intrusive, and thinks for some bizarre reason that he has the right to question an ADULT woman about her bloody finances, what she is spending, and how she acquires her money. He needs telling once and for all to STOP with the inappropriate questions.

If he's anything like a couple of people I know though, (who are similar to this,) even if he is told, he will go into a huff for a day or two, tell himself he has NOT done anything wrong, and then will resume the inappropriate questioning.

My way of dealing with such wankery is to ignore them, and change the subject, and KEEP ignoring them when they keep bleating the same nosey, sticky-beakiness crap! They stop asking after the first 2 or 3 times, but then they do ask again a few weeks later. SIGH......... You have my sympathy @Aloha7373 Makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with people who do this!

I'd say "Didn't you know? I have a job at night working down by the docks and it's paying quite welll....I'm very tired though so can we change the subject?"

As a previous poster said, tackle it head on and then turn it into a no-go topic. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

If he's always done this (and you say he has) it's not clear why you think it is 'bitter jealousy' on his part? It is just what he does, you don't have to respond or make it a two-way conversation if you don't want to - just don't discuss it at all or have a stock answer that you repeat every time if you prefer that. There's no point in circling around the same subject with him repeatedly, he's unlikely to change his mind/opinion unfortunately.

You know in advance he's going to do it, so have a response prepared and the job is done. Repeat as necessary.

@LittleRoundRobin

Does it REALLY come from a place of concern? (As several posters have suggested...) I don't think so.

I think in the vast majority of cases, criticism and people poking around in your business, and asking stuff, (especially about finances, and how you afford stuff,) does NOT come from a place of concern.

It comes from a place of sticky-beakiness, nosiness, jealousy, envy, and curiosity. It rarely comes from a place of concern. Why the F would anyone be 'concerned' that a grown-ass woman with her own life, career, home, and income, is buying her own car and getting married?

The OP's father (like many other people,) has no boundaries, and he is nosey and intrusive, and thinks for some bizarre reason that he has the right to question an ADULT woman about her bloody finances, what she is spending, and how she acquires her money. He needs telling once and for all to STOP with the inappropriate questions.

If he's anything like a couple of people I know though, (who are similar to this,) even if he is told, he will go into a huff for a day or two, tell himself he has NOT done anything wrong, and then will resume the inappropriate questioning.

My way of dealing with such wankery is to ignore them, and change the subject, and KEEP ignoring them when they keep bleating the same nosey, sticky-beakiness crap! They stop asking after the first 2 or 3 times, but then they do ask again a few weeks later. SIGH......... You have my sympathy @Aloha7373 Makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with people who do this!

This!

I know I am sometimes guilty of this. I worry that my child might not have enough money for other things when they make a major purchase. I don't want to see them struggle and I want to feel that they are financially OK. It's not because I am jealous or don't trust them to manage their own lifes and finances, it's just because I still worry about them - even though I really don't need to!

You could reply - ''Drug running, arms dealing, escort girl, Bitcoins... certainly not from a successful parent''

Does he worry you’re using credit?

@LittleRoundRobin

Does it REALLY come from a place of concern? (As several posters have suggested...) I don't think so.

I think in the vast majority of cases, criticism and people poking around in your business, and asking stuff, (especially about finances, and how you afford stuff,) does NOT come from a place of concern.

It comes from a place of sticky-beakiness, nosiness, jealousy, envy, and curiosity. It rarely comes from a place of concern. Why the F would anyone be 'concerned' that a grown-ass woman with her own life, career, home, and income, is buying her own car and getting married?

The OP's father (like many other people,) has no boundaries, and he is nosey and intrusive, and thinks for some bizarre reason that he has the right to question an ADULT woman about her bloody finances, what she is spending, and how she acquires her money. He needs telling once and for all to STOP with the inappropriate questions.

If he's anything like a couple of people I know though, (who are similar to this,) even if he is told, he will go into a huff for a day or two, tell himself he has NOT done anything wrong, and then will resume the inappropriate questioning.

My way of dealing with such wankery is to ignore them, and change the subject, and KEEP ignoring them when they keep bleating the same nosey, sticky-beakiness crap! They stop asking after the first 2 or 3 times, but then they do ask again a few weeks later. SIGH......... You have my sympathy @Aloha7373 Makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with people who do this!

Wow, that’s a really aggressive reaction to the suggestion about concern! As a grown & financially independent woman, she’s smart enough to tell him not to ask again.

I don’t even think “woman” is anything to do with it, I think you are projecting your own issues. Most parents are concerned for the financial well-being of their offspring. The offspring, in turn, can tell them to mind their own business, or whatever. It doesn’t have to be so aggressive!

My OH is like this. Anytime I talk about anything remotely pricey like desperately needed home repairs/renovations, changing cars etc...it's met with "but where do you think the money is going to come from" or "how do you think we will afford that".

Have you actually told him that you don’t like him asking and that you want him to stop. The fact that you’ve attempted to answer his nosiness in the past might make him think it’s ok.

“Please stop asking me about my finances. I don’t like it and I don’t want you to ask me about them again. Is that clear”. If he questions you or complains then just repeat and repeat and repeat.

It’s not an age thing. It’s a twat thing.

I assume he’s aware of what a job is and how an economy functions?

Some people are just weird about money I suppose. As long as that’s the only thing he’s weird about maybe it’s just best to laugh it off…

Well... lion it is true that the money has to come from somewhere, however needed the works are.

What makes you think it’s jealousy? You say he has a comfortable life, what is it you think he’s jealous of? It’s really hard to say from the outside what is motivating his behaviour. My guess would be that he is concerned that you’re not being financially responsible and are living above your means.
Do you pay for lots of things with credit? Or could be be concerned that you are?
It’s much more common now for things like cars to be paid for on finance and I think this can seem concerning to those who have never used money like that. I know FIL has expressed concern when we’ve spoken about buying a car on finance or about student loan debt, saying that his generation saves up and buys things outright instead.

Are you a family who generally talks about money?
I’m in my 60’s with adult children and have always talked to them about how much I earn, how much things cost etc.
They know how much pension I receive and I know how much salary they earn. We don’t see it as something to be kept secret.
If your family never really discussed money and your mum didn’t work or only worked part time he might be worried that you can’t afford things.
As a matter of interest how much do you earn?

I think after the first few times I'd answer with drug dealing and prostitution but I'm known to be a sarcastic twat who doesn't suffer fools.

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam

I think after the first few times I'd answer with drug dealing and prostitution but I'm known to be a sarcastic twat who doesn't suffer fools.

@AnnaMagnani

We experienced all of these from FIL who appeared to have formed images of all his children aged about 8 and despite them now being 40, he still had them down as 'the responsible one' 'the reckless one' and so on. Fine if you were the responsible one but poor BIL apparently couldn't be trusted with money based on his breaking a window with a football as a child.

Hmm, funny one that. I experienced this kind of shit too. I am the youngest of 7 cousins, (all born in the 1960s.) I am the youngest, but there's only 8 years between me and the oldest one. I was the quietest, and quite shy and studious as a child.

The second and third youngest are only just over a year older than me, yet I was the only one treated like a bit of a daft child by several extended family members. Even when I was in my 20s and 30s.

Much mockery and LOL-ing ensued when I got a passport and said I was going backpacking around Europe with a friend when I was 19. 'YOU! You will be dead within a day' roared an uncle. 'You won't even make it to the ferry across you won't, you couldn't tie your shoelaces til you were 8!' hooted an auntie.

Then there was the 'oooh she's got a BOYfriend!' type comments And 'have you done it yet?' from my cousins, when I was 17/18 And the chuckling and mocking when I started taking driving lessons. 'Keep out of the fields everyone, and off the footpaths, Robin's attempting to drive' a couple of uncles said!

I had the last laugh though when I was the first of the 7 cousins to pass my test AND get my own car. They shut up then.

I also got some raised eyebrows when I announced I was getting married (at 27!) Like 'what you?' In their eyes and their minds, I was still the shy and bumbling little girl who couldn't tie her shoelaces til she was 8, and spent all her time reading, writing stories, and drawing.

And the same 'what YOU' comments came when I was pregnant with my first child too. Married, nearly 30, own home, and a successful career, and they were like 'YOU with a baby?!'

I even had one incident when I was 33, and on my lunchbreak at work, and a van driver nearly hit me when I was walking across a zebra crossing. I shouted 'TWAT!' as he flew past. Unbeknownst to me, my cousin (2 years older than me,) was 100 or so feet behind me in a shop doorway. She went straight to my mother who lived 15 minutes walk from her, and told her! My mother left a nasty, condescending message on my answerphone at home saying I should be 'ashamed of myself for my behaviour.'

No surprise then, that when my parents died (six months apart - 10 years ago,) I left the area, and never looked back. I've had nothing to do with anyone of them since.

Only my brother who moved to Canada in 2007. I still have him in my life, and his wife and 3 kids, though I don't see him often. (HE has nothing to do with the extended family either. He also stopped the contact when our parents died..) And I also have contact with 2 great aunts on my dad's side (and their 2 daughters, my second cousins, who have one child each,) who live 50 miles away and moved in the 1990s. CBA with any of the others... I ghosted them, as they brought NOTHING to my life.

As you say, some family members still see certain younger people in the family as that child who was clumsy/nerdy/a bit behind his or her peers/shy etc, as the child they were. They can't seem to get their head round the fact they are a totally different person now. A responsible, intelligent ADULT who is probably more capable of doing most things than them!