Father constantly asking me where my money comes from…?

[Aloha7373]

Basically: AIBU to think my father constantly asks me about my finances for toxic/jealous reasons? Or is it just insensitive curiosity?…

He used to do it when I was much younger (16/17), always saying things like “You’re going out???” “With what money????” “How are you affording a big night out on the other side of London?” “I think you’re really irresponsible spending the money you earn” etc etc.

Cut to today (I’m now 30). Every single piece of news about my life is responded to with the same questions. For example - I got engaged last year, and instead of congratulating me he just said, “But how will you afford a wedding?” “Didn’t you just get a car???” “I just think you should be looking after your money and not blowing it on getting married”.

I’ve just told him my husband and I are buying a house, and I got the same exact inquisition. No “congrats,” no “how wonderful!” Nothing except “But HOW?????? WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR MONEY FROM?” “Didn’t you just get married?” “I just don’t understand where you seem to be sourcing infinite money.”

I’ve literally earned every penny I’ve ever spent. And my parents have never given me money towards my wedding, car, university nothing (except for bringing me up in their house of course). I’ve always just worked my absolute arse off for the things I want!

AIBU to think this is coming from a place of bitter jealousy in order to bring me down? Or is this normal/innocent behaviour?

My mum was the same, and would ask the cost of everything. I would often tell her things cost less than they did as I couldn't stand the judgement.

@thepeopleversuswork

My maternal grandfather was like this: obsessed with saving money and very short termist approach; he never saw the value in anything which didn’t bring immediate benefits. He would have reacted very much like this: he discouraged my mum from going to university because of the expense and encouraged her to marry a rich man instead.

I think it’s a generational thing: people from a certain generation were utterly paranoid about money and determined to live within their means even at the cost of their own happiness.

I am pushing 70 and I kind of mind it being described as an age thing....its getting like "are they on ther spectrum?" as a catch all reason for everything.

I have found with people who enjoy making comments that upset others the best thing to do is to make sure your response makes them uncomfortable rather than you ie
Why do you always ask that?
Are you jealous?
Are you having money issues?
What is your problem?
Why are you projecting your own money issues onto me?
ie don't answer his question but make him defend it instead. Put him on the back foot and take control of the conversation.

Or if you don't want to risk an argument laugh and say Bingo, me and DH were wondering how long it would be before you came out with that old chestnut.

But do not answer his question under any circumstance.

MYOBB is a phrase you need to use.

You only need to say it once.

Bitterness and jealousy in parents must be very hard to deal with, OP.
Sorry to hear etc,

It sounds like he has some real issues around money, OP. I don't know whether that is something directed against you personally or just in general.

Next time, just tell him ‘onlyfans’. He won’t ask again after that.

I’ve got a mother who does something pretty similar, but only when I’m spending money on my dc. For some reason it gives her the absolute rage when she sees me treating my dc. She doesn’t believe money should be spent on children outside birthdays and Xmas (not that me and my siblings got much even then). I grew up believing we were extremely poor even though both my parents had decent, full time jobs and practically no outgoings. Every time we went out shopping or on a day out I ended up getting anxiety knowing my dc might ask for an ice cream or a toy from the gift shop, because my mother and step father would start tutting and huffing and glaring at me. I ended up going nc after we all spent a week in butlins together (whole holiday completely funded by me btw) and my mother had a complete meltdown in a shop because I spent £16 on a teddy for dd1. I later caught her nastily whispering to my dd (she was only 4) ‘don’t you dare ask your mother for anything else for the rest of the week, you’ve had a treat now and that’s all you’re getting’ 😡😡

@Anordinarymum

I think some of it may come from a different age, a different way of thinking and worries about you being able to afford things he never could when he worked all of his life and had very little to show for it etc etc...

Exactly this. My mother is exactly the same. Apparently she was in tears to my sister when I retired and did some DIY stuff to the house (nothing major, redecorating, new floors, new cooker). She was really worried as to how I could afford it (good pension and lump sum).

She's been like this all my life. She's always been a SAHM and I have always worked and relied totally on myself (single parent) and she really has no concept of salaries and finances etc. etc. When I got a new car (old one was about 8 years old and I'd had it 6. Mechanical problems were starting so wise to get a new (second hand) one) Did I really need a new car? Could I really afford it? All sorts of things similar to the OP. Can I afford to get a bigger house?; can I really afford to to go holiday, another new dress? It looks expensive. I once caught her telling my sister (married and in a more obvious high salary occupation) not to suggest certain outings with our children to me as 'I couldn't afford it'!!!! She has absolutely no idea of my finances.

I genuinely don't understand it but I think it's something she has no control over and she seems to enjoy having something to worry about. She once sobbed uncontrolably many years ago when her brother took out a loan to set up a new business (he's just retired after 30 years from said business very comfortably off) because she was so worried about all that debt. She told me I couldn't retire until 66 as that's when the state pension kicks in. I said i won't be reliant on the state pension because of my private pension and I now have another job anyway. It's infuriating especially when I'm told not to buy Christmas presents as I can't afford it. My only debt is my mortgage.

Perhaps they didn’t put money into a pension and are now having difficulties?

I’ve paid an average of £80 a month into a pension for 30 years and it’s projected to pay out £500 a month in my retirement. OMG. Not very much at all. So perhaps he’s in the same boat?

On that note, I’d encourage anyone to pay in money now. You think retirement is mikes away but 30 years later it’s in my doorstep and there not much in my pot.

If it is meant innocently, then I’d simply say that I’d earned it and been careful spending.

If is is meant jealously or nastily, I’d say I use my fancy new car as a mobile blow job wagon, 50 quid a go.

I think I’d need to be blunt given how often this is happening. Something like, “My finances are totally manageable and healthy and they really don’t warrant your constant involvement or concern so can you please stop questioning me?” Then refuse to answer a single other question. Just say “You are doing it again. Stop.”

Is he basically accusing you of being on the game?

If you have a job it’s pretty obvious where the money comes from isn’t it?.

"Is he basically accusing you of being on the game?"

"If you have a job it’s pretty obvious where the money comes from isn’t it?." Exactly.

If he’s otherwise a good Dad I wouldn’t think there was any nasty intent. But you shouldn’t have to put up with it, so I would tell him the topic is now banned, and have your Mum and DH back that up.

People are weird about money - if your Dad grew up with not a lot, and he and your Mum had to scrimp for a house and perhaps go without a lot to get where they are, he may be curious - he may also be anxious about you getting into debt, and have the general belief that unless you are rich money should be carefully saved. People are also not very good about letting their kids grow up, so he may feel you should follow his spending habits, or be worried you are getting into trouble. There may also be sexism at play - if you have a professional job and your mum didn’t, he may find it hard to compute that you earn proper money.

Do be very firm about the topic being closed - you can also say you find it vulgar/awkward to talk about money, which might help shut him up.

@3beesinmybonnet

I have found with people who enjoy making comments that upset others the best thing to do is to make sure your response makes them uncomfortable rather than you ie Why do you always ask that? Are you jealous? Are you having money issues? What is your problem? Why are you projecting your own money issues onto me? ie don't answer his question but make him defend it instead. Put him on the back foot and take control of the conversation.

Or if you don't want to risk an argument laugh and say Bingo, me and DH were wondering how long it would be before you came out with that old chestnut.

But do not answer his question under any circumstance.

This is excellent. You just need to pluck up the courage to say one of the above @Aloha7373

I feel your pain OP. My mother was very critical of me, but never my brother weirdly. I could never do anything right in her eyes. Conversely, my father never criticized me. Never hugely praised me, but was never nasty.

Oddly, both my father AND my mother did praise me to other people in my absence though. Many neighbours and friends of my mother, and some of my extended family often said 'your dad thinks the world of you and is so proud of you' and 'your mother won't hear a word against you. She's all like 'Robin has such a good job, she has done SO well, and her home is lovely, and she's picked a good 'un in that hubby of hers.'

Yet to my face she was critical, and never complimented me. When I said I was pregnant (in my late 20s, married several years, owned my own home with DH, and had a well paid job/career) she said 'oh no! You know you've ruined your life don't you?!' She put her head in her hands and said 'why? WHY?' I was crushed.

I don't know why she behaved like this. It's not like I had got pregnant at 16 and had no job or home, and she felt like I had not 'lived' yet. Her reaction really upset me.

She thought the WORLD of my DC when they came along though. Spoilt them rotten. Funny woman! I think she was projecting, as she regretted settling down young, never having any career, and not being hugely well-off. As some people said, it sounds like your dad is projecting. Hard to not take it personally though.

I think it might be a bit of an age thing

Here we go again with the ageism.

It's absolutely nothing to do with age. It's his lack of boundaries.

OP, your father has no boundaries, so it's up to you to apply some.

I don't think it's jealousy, no.
My Mother can be a bit like this tbh... a huge 'pocket watcher'. Her Mother is like this too.

Annoying but not unusual. He’s not jealous, he’s worrying needlessly about you, and it like comes from a place of love.

“Why do you ask? I’ve got my finances in order so you don’t need to worry about me.”

Tell him you got your money the same way he did

@WeaverofWords

You think it’s coming from a point of jealousy but I think maybe it’s coming from a point of concern. Really he’s asking for reassurance. Just reassure him that you’re earning enough, as you have done here with us!

I agree with this.

Was he poor growing up? I always hear tales about hiw poor mine was growing up and although well off now it means they hate spending. Si when u spend I get grief but its xoming from a good place of one day you may end up with no job for example and need loads of savings.

@Aloha7373

Thanks for all the replies so far, I thought I was being really nasty for thinking this way but it does seem like it’s not normal behaviour to any of you guys, either!

Yes, I have explained to him where my money comes from (perhaps too much to be honest, his relentless questions make me squirm to the point I feel like I’m apologetically talking through my bank accounts/outgoings). But he always replies with “hmmmmmm, okaayyy”, with a raised eyebrow, as if to suggest I’m lying about it or something I’ve said isn’t good enough. Sigh.

Stop explaining. Hes undermining you. When I got my first job, career after 3 years qualifying my F asked what my salary was and then told me I didnt deserve it Havent discussed money since that day. Close down conversations around money.

@Aloha7373

Thanks for all the replies so far, I thought I was being really nasty for thinking this way but it does seem like it’s not normal behaviour to any of you guys, either!

Yes, I have explained to him where my money comes from (perhaps too much to be honest, his relentless questions make me squirm to the point I feel like I’m apologetically talking through my bank accounts/outgoings). But he always replies with “hmmmmmm, okaayyy”, with a raised eyebrow, as if to suggest I’m lying about it or something I’ve said isn’t good enough. Sigh.

Don't explain with any more than 'We work for what we have Dad.'

And change the subject.

Also, maybe stop telling them more than you have to regarding your plans (if that's what you do)

Just answer him back 'well it's certainly not from you Dad, mind your own business'.