Father constantly asking me where my money comes from…?

[Aloha7373]

Basically: AIBU to think my father constantly asks me about my finances for toxic/jealous reasons? Or is it just insensitive curiosity?…

He used to do it when I was much younger (16/17), always saying things like “You’re going out???” “With what money????” “How are you affording a big night out on the other side of London?” “I think you’re really irresponsible spending the money you earn” etc etc.

Cut to today (I’m now 30). Every single piece of news about my life is responded to with the same questions. For example - I got engaged last year, and instead of congratulating me he just said, “But how will you afford a wedding?” “Didn’t you just get a car???” “I just think you should be looking after your money and not blowing it on getting married”.

I’ve just told him my husband and I are buying a house, and I got the same exact inquisition. No “congrats,” no “how wonderful!” Nothing except “But HOW?????? WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR MONEY FROM?” “Didn’t you just get married?” “I just don’t understand where you seem to be sourcing infinite money.”

I’ve literally earned every penny I’ve ever spent. And my parents have never given me money towards my wedding, car, university nothing (except for bringing me up in their house of course). I’ve always just worked my absolute arse off for the things I want!

AIBU to think this is coming from a place of bitter jealousy in order to bring me down? Or is this normal/innocent behaviour?

Is your dad in the police? Fbi? Defence solicitor?

I think that there's been a lot of generational change to do with the availability of credit. For people who can remember an era where getting stuff on HP (hire purchase) was seen as a bit dodgy, they may feel apprehensive when they see young people taking out mortgages. They may also know that even if work is well-paid that the era when people had a 'job for life' is gone.

I think I'd be inclined to be quite bland, 'Thanks for your concern. But my partner and I have made careful plans together so please don't worry about us'. And then change the subject firmly.

@Winniemarysarah

I’ve got a mother who does something pretty similar, but only when I’m spending money on my dc. For some reason it gives her the absolute rage when she sees me treating my dc. She doesn’t believe money should be spent on children outside birthdays and Xmas (not that me and my siblings got much even then). I grew up believing we were extremely poor even though both my parents had decent, full time jobs and practically no outgoings. Every time we went out shopping or on a day out I ended up getting anxiety knowing my dc might ask for an ice cream or a toy from the gift shop, because my mother and step father would start tutting and huffing and glaring at me. I ended up going nc after we all spent a week in butlins together (whole holiday completely funded by me btw) and my mother had a complete meltdown in a shop because I spent £16 on a teddy for dd1. I later caught her nastily whispering to my dd (she was only 4) ‘don’t you dare ask your mother for anything else for the rest of the week, you’ve had a treat now and that’s all you’re getting’ 😡😡

OMG your poor little DD!!

My parents are like this - especially my dad.

If I say I am buying anything - they always say what I have is fine, or try to talk me into a cheaper version. My dad in particular is very negative.

I remember being really excited about a major trip - and booked round the work flights. He asked me how much they were - I stupidly told him - and he immediately told me I got ripped off. I hadn’t- I researched for months and he had no idea what they should cost.

I am now much older and doing a house renovation. Anytime he comes round and there is something new he tells me I have bought the wrong thing, or the wrong size or overpaid. The negativity is really draining.

But now I am older I have learnt to just say okay and ignore it. It’s like a compulsion - he needs to tell me what I have done is wrong and only he is clever enough to get good deals.

Ask him.
Dad, you seem obsessed with my finances. Why is that?
And keep asking.

Dad, we've been through this. Why do you keep asking me the same questions?

Either that or say we are part of an international illegal organ harvesting ring.

We found a diamond mine under the house.

I stole the crown jewels

And give equally ridiculous answers every time he asks.

How irritating. Just tell him that you robbed a bank recently, so no need to worry unless the police come knocking at the door.

Seriously though, I suspect you are oversharing. Stop telling him anything. When he asks and maybe starts up again about money then tell him to mind his own business. Tell him too that it is getting boring now.

I remember being really excited about a major trip - and booked round the work flights. He asked me how much they were - I stupidly told him - and he immediately told me I got ripped off. I hadn’t- I researched for months and he had no idea what they should cost

This is absolute FIL. He laid into the unfortunate BIL for spending too much on a house because back in the dark ages he could buy a 5-bed in Surrey for £40K and BIL was now struggling to buy a starter home in one of the most popular housing markets for £350K. Utterly bonkers.

How about. I’m so glad you asked, we are short this month can you lend me some money please,
That ought to shhhhh him up for bit.

You reply 'It's absolutely none of your business'

I think it might be partly a generation thing. I find some older people in my family constantly talk about how poor they were when they were young and are obsessed with being frugal - it's morally virtuous not to spend money. They don't understand replacing kitchens, cars etc. when they're not falling apart. They also hate the idea of expensive holidays even though they could easily afford it now.

Try to ignore and change the subject as it's more about his attitude to money/worries and not worth using up mental energy on this.

@Swonderful

I think it might be partly a generation thing. I find some older people in my family constantly talk about how poor they were when they were young and are obsessed with being frugal - it's morally virtuous not to spend money. They don't understand replacing kitchens, cars etc. when they're not falling apart. They also hate the idea of expensive holidays even though they could easily afford it now.

Try to ignore and change the subject as it's more about his attitude to money/worries and not worth using up mental energy on this.

Yes, it is pretty generational. People, under 55 I would say - rarely come out with shit like this. It's not 'ageist' to say it's the older generations who behave like this - or any other certain way. If people have had this experience, with someone a generation or two older, they should be entitled to say so, and mention they're 'older' without having their head bitten off.

I get so bored with this 'ageist' accusation. If in someone's experience they find people over 55/60 to be more rude and insulting than younger people, why the F can they not say this, without being accused of being 'ageist?' People are entitled to say this if this is their experience. Daft!

Puts me in mind of when I posted a while back to say that - in my experience - mothers of sons are more rude to the daughter-in-law, than mothers of daughters are to their son-in-law. Not ALL of them, but moreso mothers of sons, than mothers of daughters....

Someone threw a right strop and called me all sorts, and said it was a sweeping generalisation blah blah blah..... But it wasn't a sweeping generalisation, and I wasn't 'wrong.' I said it was 'in my experience...'

And it was (and still is.)

I was not 'wrong.'

Wanted to add also, if someone of 25 to 30 is rude, and their age is mentioned, it seems to be OK... Eg, 'a rude woman in her mid 20s cut me up on the road today,' is classed as OK, and nobody says AGEIST. Why is it only ageist when the person is over 60?

My father used to try this with me when I was much younger (I'd left home, had my own place and so on). His tack was to try to tell me that I should do X or I should do Y or not do A.

In the end I just told him: It's my life. If you finance it, you can dictate it - but you finance it fully to every last penny, otherwise it's nothing to do with you and if you carry on you'll find you lose contact with your only child. Next time he tried it when I was over for Sunday lunch I literally got up and walked out. He never tried it again.

I don't think it's jealousy. It's probably just his background and caring but it comes out in a strange way!

@MrsHookey

I don't think it's jealousy. It's probably just his background and caring but it comes out in a strange way!

Its not caring! Its a boundary issue -doubting that you can actually afford it, a put down and a patriarchal attitude. A caring person would say how exciting, lovely and be pleased for you.

I can hear myself doing this to my DC. They're younger, only just adult, but Amazon packages arrive daily. I know it's their money to spend as they wish, but I do hate to see them "wasting" it and worry that they should take the opportunity to save for more important things.

I'm sure it comes across as criticism and I'm trying to stop, but it does come only from a caring place.

Thanks everyone, really useful suggestions all round! Particularly love the idea of saying it’s money from onlyfans 🤣

Sorry to those who’ve gone through the same experience. It’s so horrible having someone constantly question whether you’re capable of managing your own life - at 30!!! Especially when I’ve funded literally everything in my life up until this point.

You guys are right who said I’m probably over explaining, in future I’m just going to shut it down - or indeed, ask why he even cares so much. And no, I haven’t really spent anything on credit other than our car which we’ve almost paid off now (although I don’t think he’s even aware that was on credit). So I definitely don’t think he’s worried that I’m in serious debt.

I like to think it’s coming from a good place of concern, as others have suggested - it’s just that he never actually congratulates me on any of this stuff, or says he’s proud. I imagine if one of my (future) kids told me they were buying their first house, I’d say a MILLION other things first, like “well done what an accomplishment” or “congratulations I’m so happy for you, can I help?” before ever mentioning finances (and even then…)

Yes, I have explained to him where my money comes from (perhaps too much to be honest, his relentless questions make me squirm to the point I feel like I’m apologetically talking through my bank accounts/outgoings). But he always replies with “hmmmmmm, okaayyy”, with a raised eyebrow, as if to suggest I’m lying about it or something I’ve said isn’t good enough.

His cross-questioning is a conscious technique to get you to exactly this state of 'babbling' responses & giving him too much information. Bonus for him is that you will be on the back foot, struggling to assert yourself, while he gets to sneer & feel superior.

Nip it in the bud now.
Next time he inevitably kicks off, have a go-to phrase ready, & keep firing it at him on a 'Broken Record technique' until he shuts the fuck up.
"Where am I getting my money from? Dunno dad, it just turns up in my account every month, fucking mystery innit. Do you think it's got anything to do with all those hours I put in at work?"

"Will you ever stop droning on about money like you're surprised I have a job?"

"Where the fuck do you think the money comes from, given that I'm a grown up with a job?"

How old is your DF? Is he less educated than you are?

I have a degree and work in a professional environment. For the last few years of his working life my df was on minimum wage as was dm, they had a large family whereas I didn't have a child until my 40s.

Df came from a background where a woman earned pin money and he could not believe that I could earn a professional wage because to him I was just a 'little girl'. He couldn't believe a mortgage company would even talk to me. He was offended that I could do things he couldn't.

He was from a different generation, that's all

I think that a lot of older people have this mindset, as in constantly asking question about money matters,with offfspring etc. It may come from a time,when the older generation, didn't have the money to splash about on all things, and they seem to think it will always be the same now, and forever.

There is no point being annoyed with people, who maintain their stuck in mindsets..My late Mum was a bit like this, when hearing about what some people spent their money on, and was always asking how people could afford some things. Once people are like this,it becomes a habit for them, so best to gloss over all the comments.

@MintJulia

How old is your DF? Is he less educated than you are?

I have a degree and work in a professional environment. For the last few years of his working life my df was on minimum wage as was dm, they had a large family whereas I didn't have a child until my 40s.

Df came from a background where a woman earned pin money and he could not believe that I could earn a professional wage because to him I was just a 'little girl'. He couldn't believe a mortgage company would even talk to me. He was offended that I could do things he couldn't.

He was from a different generation, that's all

He’s 78.

Never went to university, and to be fair I know he’s occasionally had low self-esteem because of that (because he’s said as much, and I was even once at a party where he pretended he had been, and made up a big fake story about his experience). But he also did very well working in the advertising industry and has lived a nice life - lovely holidays, nice house, nice cars - never struggled, so to speak.

This is all about him. He prob has a deep-seated fear of not having enough money. Pos also not sure how women earn more than he did. He prob needs a therapy session to work out his own hang ups. But men that age don’t tend to question themselves so prob won’t change now!

"Only my spouse is entitled to know our financial situation."

"Surprisingly, there's a premium for kidneys these days."

My MIL tried to question my income at one point. Turned out, she was trying to assess how much my husband should be paying her a month, since he owed her for adopting him.

The woman had multiple pensions, and was tithing a massive chunk to her church, so not in the slightest broke. She just wanted what she thought she was owed.

Just tell him you're a drug dealer & change the subject. Parents can be so bloody awful at times. 🤷🏼‍♀️

As others have already suggested, this kind of prying really deserves absurd answers like prostitution, bank robbing, maxing out your credit cards, satanic pact, etc.