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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His girlfriend is uneasy....

89 replies

CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 11:17

Posting for traffic and have changed username because I might show this to my ex.

Divorced three years.

I live with new partner and I think ex husband lives with his girlfriend of a year (I say I think because I'm pretty sure they do now but she potentially has another home she goes back to, not entirely sure but his flat is full of her belongings)

I'm not allowed to go into his flat with my son when I drop him off because it makes ex's girlfriend uneasy.

She's refused to meet me and have a chat so I could get to know my son's potential future stepmother (I guess that's fine I don't think that's usual to meet and I didn't afford my ex the same luxury but the invite is open and I have invited them both round for dinner which she didn't want to do).

She thinks I walk all over him, dictating certain things. She thinks I'm an evil witch based on what he has said, like for instance I caused his depression by crushing his self confidence.

I did crush his self confidence but it was in retaliation to things he had done, for instance stealing my bestfriends nudes from her laptop and storing them on his pc (which I found).

The reason he lets me walk all over him (as per her description) is probably the ever impending threat that I may tell his girlfriend everything he did. I'm not particularly innocent, I wasn't nice to him.

So she has an opinion of me that I believe is based on half truths, he's admitted he can't rectify the situation as she would leave him. There's a few other things that are slightly worse that he did but he wasn't a violent person and is a good dad

They took my son to his parents for Christmas as it was his turn. Last night I get a message that says she feels uneasy about dropping my son back off at my house on their way back. For clarity, my ex does not have a car and so I either drive my son 45 minutes to his house or if he can he will borrow her car but obviously that's if she's okay with that as he isn't automatically entitled to borrow it. So today she would be driving them home and dropping my son off.

He wants us to meet in a carpark close to my house, meaning I need to leave the house. She can't seem to cope with pulling up outside my house and my son getting out of the car and walking in. Yet I could pull up in my car in a carpark and he could get in the car.

My initial reaction was "your girlfriend is a bit of a knob". I'm trying to look at this reasonably as my feelings are fairly dictated by a strong sense of injustice, that being that there is an idea of me that isn't quite true and the reality puts him in a bad light. But that's probably not relevant to the situation so I'm struggling to put that aside.

Am I being unreasonable to expect that I don't have to do any legwork when it would add at most 5 minutes for them to drop him off at mine. I don't feel like she should be dictating this. i appreciate she may have some underlying insecurity or mental health issues but I also feel like he is pandering to her to keep her happy and she isn't the parent. Or because she's driving should I accommodate the request

I already have to drive a total of two hours to drop him off on a weekend, if my son goes to my ex's parents, I have to meet half way at the end of the weekend to collect my son from their house. I live halfway between my ex and his parents, basically 45 minutes to his or 45 minutes to theirs.

I haven't any ground rules, I of course want my son to see that side of the family but I am fed up with being made to look like an evil twat. What I really want is not to have to drive my son to his dad's, not to have to meet my ex in-laws to collect my son). I just don't want to be involved, I find it distressing given the circumstances of how I feel about my ex. I couldn't even be in the same room as him for a while because it made me feel ill. I understand his priority is making her feel safe and secure but not wanting to drop my son off at my house because she feels uneasy?!

Well - this is making me feel uneasy about my son spending time at theirs when she is there. She does seem nice, and she cares for my son and I don't believe she would ever say anything. But I'm starting to feel quite unhappy.

Head wobble or?

OP posts:

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 26/12/2021 11:24

Could you have a reasonable conversation with him about this? Would that help?

Because I think your initial response is the right one. If he allows her to continue to do this then she is making your relationship, your co parenting harder than it needs be.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 11:25

Somewhere in the middle of all this absolute petty 'He said/She said' crap, is a small child relying on his adults to put him first and just act like adults.

Forget wanting to meet his GF, forget all the crap and just tell him you'll both (as grown ups) need to make firm arrangements that you both agree with during his contact time.

Herecomesthesun70 · 26/12/2021 11:25

Your ex needs to have a word with her. You son comes home not dropped off in a car park like an inconvenience.
I used to drop my DD off to her father else she wouldn't see him because he always had an excuse not to pick her or would be hours and hours late. If he was feeling generous he'd meet half way. It's a 15 minutes drive ffs.
Now he doesn't see her at all because he can't be arsed You don't comes first and your ex needs to make this clear to his new girlfriend. I get she might be uneasy but she's a grown up and needs to suck it up

Outlyingtrout · 26/12/2021 11:28

I would probably just tell him that it’s very silly and of course you won’t be entertaining this. If she’s going to be on the scene forever (potentially) then unfortunately she needs to get her head around the fact that your husband has an ex wife who is the mother of his child. You exist. Tough shit. I’d remind him that you already do far far more than your fair share of driving to facilitate his contact with his son and that you can’t believe he would consider this to be a reasonable request in the circumstances. I’d also probably question him directly on what on earth he’s said to her that has rendered her unable to briefly sit in a car outside your house, and suggest that perhaps a bit of truthfulness from him might solve the issue. I’d be firm that the solution to the issue would not be you doing even more of the donkey work of transporting your son around on his behalf.

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2021 11:28

Seriously? She needs medication if she is triggered that badly by dropping a child off at his actual home

UsernameInTheTown · 26/12/2021 11:30

Your DS is not a dodgy drug deal. He needs dropping home, though you all sound awful poor kid.

Original poster

CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 11:30

@WorraLiberty

Somewhere in the middle of all this absolute petty 'He said/She said' crap, is a small child relying on his adults to put him first and just act like adults.

Forget wanting to meet his GF, forget all the crap and just tell him you'll both (as grown ups) need to make firm arrangements that you both agree with during his contact time.

Oh I'm totally aware there is some petty stuff involved, tried to be clear in my post that I understand some of it shouldn't be relevant to this because how I feel about someone's opinion of me isn't the best thing when working out the situation so I get what you're saying and agree

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2021 11:30

And I would return the favour sorry can't drop ds off at your actual house don't want to make GF "uneasy" meet me at obscure parking lot

Original poster

CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 11:31

@UsernameInTheTown

Your DS is not a dodgy drug deal. He needs dropping home, though you all sound awful poor kid.

I wouldn't say I'm awful, I've suffered quite a bit of trauma from his actions and it's been a long road to being reasonably okay with it.

OP posts:

StarryNightSky26 · 26/12/2021 11:33

Fuck that.

I'd agree and then message him ten minutes before car park meet time saying 'so sorry - the car won't start'. They won't have much choice but to drop him home then and, as she's done it before, it's a precedent set that hopefully may help mitigate future issues.

It's ridiculous.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 11:33

The girlfriend is a red herring in all this though.

It's her boyfriend's responsibility to see he drops his son back home after contact, not hers (although I get her 'reasoning' is weird on the face of it).

Suggest he takes his son home in a taxi from the point at which his girlfriend is willing to drop them off.

Or don't suggest anything at all and let him work his arrangements out for himself.

wizzywig · 26/12/2021 11:34

Just tell her your side of the story. It sounds like he feels blackmailed by you.

RedWingBoots · 26/12/2021 11:34

@WorraLiberty

Somewhere in the middle of all this absolute petty 'He said/She said' crap, is a small child relying on his adults to put him first and just act like adults.

Forget wanting to meet his GF, forget all the crap and just tell him you'll both (as grown ups) need to make firm arrangements that you both agree with during his contact time.

This.

Your son's father partner is absolutely nothing to do with you.

If he doesn't want you to meet her - after all she isn't directly talking to you so it is all coming from him - then do the drop off elsewhere.

Palavah · 26/12/2021 11:35

Stop making it about her. Your ex needs to drop off your son to your house after his contact time, if that's the arrangement. It's up to him how he sorts that.

Stop investing yourself in this woman.

madisonbridges · 26/12/2021 11:36

You both sound as bad as each other. Honestly, you made a baby with him so who cares how you feel about him? This isn't about you two, it's about your poor child that's caught between the two of you.
You weren't nice to each other in your relationship so maybe she doesn't have a good impression of you. It's not her responsibility to bring your child home, it's his. So why are you blaming her?
You need to speak to your ex and come up with some fixed contact details. Maybe first on his list should be doing overtime to earn money to buy his own flipping car.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 11:37

@wizzywig

Just tell her your side of the story. It sounds like he feels blackmailed by you.

I honestly don't think the OP should get involved at all.

She need to detach completely from the sound of it and just co-parent with her ex, once he works out how to take his own child home.

Hankunamatata · 26/12/2021 11:37

She can park next street over and ex can walk son to your house?

Tal45 · 26/12/2021 11:40

It's not up to ex's GF to get your son to you. It's up to ex to sort it out. If GF won't drop them then he needs to get a bus/taxi/walk. If GF won't drop him at the house maybe she'll stop round the corner and he can walk your son round or something. It all sounds very weird but it's up to him to sort out - and he does need to sort it out properly for your son's sake.

Tell him you won't be meeting him at a car park and it's his responsibility to get your son home.

gannett · 26/12/2021 11:42

Lots of feelings and stuff about what everyone thinks of everyone else and who did what to whom - which is all a red herring.

You're not going to be BFFs any time soon so the entirety of your focus needs to be on the practicalities of co-parenting your son. Make ground rules. Make plans in advance over things like pick-ups and drop-offs. The challenge will be to compromise without being dictated to, but that's a general co-parenting issue. But the important thing is that once you've got your system and your plans agreed - stick to them.

What matters is that you have a reliable system in place for your son, and that everyone else maintains basic civility.

Changelingbutonlyforme · 26/12/2021 11:43

OP, how do you know what your ex’s gf thinks of you? I’m guessing it’s because your ex has told you what she thinks of you? So actually, this is probably mostly your ex manipulating both of you. He’s telling her you’re an evil witch then telling you she thinks you’re an evil witch. And then he can claim that all the things he doesn’t want to do (to drive to yours, to let you into his new flat), are her fault. He’s in charge of getting your son to your agreed meeting place (your house!) not her. Ignore everything he says about his gf. She isn’t relevant. Accept that you can’t dictate what your ex and new gf do in their own home/on their own time. So don’t complain about not going into their flat or the gf not wanting to meet you. Do stick up for yourself in regards to handovers. Agree on a place handovers happen. - either always halfway driving (for both of you in both directions) or dropping at each other houses. It’s your ex’s responsibility to get there. Ignore all bleating about the gf not wanting to be in front of your house. It’s completely ridiculous. If she can’t be in the car in front of your house they can park round the corner and your ex can walk your son to your door.

FrippEnos · 26/12/2021 11:44

As you say in your posts
He hasn't been good
You haven't been good

Maybe the reason that she wants this is so that she doesn't get caught up in the middle of you and your ex's drama.

I get the feeling that if she posted here she would be told to leave.

ImmutableSexQueen · 26/12/2021 11:45

She thinks I walk all over him, dictating certain things.

He tells you this, does he? He's stirring for his own amusement.

Tell him if he wants to see his son, he does the running around. The hard part there is that many men would see that as a great excuse not to see the child.

Whatever you decide, his girlfriend and her feelings are not your problem.

Changelingbutonlyforme · 26/12/2021 11:45

Actually maybe the not wanting to sit outside the house is actually about either your ex of his gf not wanting you to see her. Maybe you know her? Maybe he/she’s worried you’ll be angry or judgmental and something related to her appearance (age maybe?).

ChequerBoard · 26/12/2021 11:47

@Theunamedcat

And I would return the favour sorry can't drop ds off at your actual house don't want to make GF "uneasy" meet me at obscure parking lot

If you would be that petty then should be bloody ashamed!

How do think the child would feel?

Grow up!

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 26/12/2021 11:47

I think the real truth is he never wants you and the GF to have any contact at all that he cannot supervise for fear of you telling her some of your side of the story - you're not allowed into his flat (not sure why you'd need to do that anyway), he doesn't want you coming out to the car to collect DS from your house (he probably feels more in control of the car park situation, who knows?). She may have some reluctance but I'd bet my bottom dollar he's over egging it to make it look as though this is all her when in reality he's the one that is desperately trying to make sure you never meet.

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