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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His girlfriend is uneasy....

89 replies

CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 11:17

Posting for traffic and have changed username because I might show this to my ex.

Divorced three years.

I live with new partner and I think ex husband lives with his girlfriend of a year (I say I think because I'm pretty sure they do now but she potentially has another home she goes back to, not entirely sure but his flat is full of her belongings)

I'm not allowed to go into his flat with my son when I drop him off because it makes ex's girlfriend uneasy.

She's refused to meet me and have a chat so I could get to know my son's potential future stepmother (I guess that's fine I don't think that's usual to meet and I didn't afford my ex the same luxury but the invite is open and I have invited them both round for dinner which she didn't want to do).

She thinks I walk all over him, dictating certain things. She thinks I'm an evil witch based on what he has said, like for instance I caused his depression by crushing his self confidence.

I did crush his self confidence but it was in retaliation to things he had done, for instance stealing my bestfriends nudes from her laptop and storing them on his pc (which I found).

The reason he lets me walk all over him (as per her description) is probably the ever impending threat that I may tell his girlfriend everything he did. I'm not particularly innocent, I wasn't nice to him.

So she has an opinion of me that I believe is based on half truths, he's admitted he can't rectify the situation as she would leave him. There's a few other things that are slightly worse that he did but he wasn't a violent person and is a good dad

They took my son to his parents for Christmas as it was his turn. Last night I get a message that says she feels uneasy about dropping my son back off at my house on their way back. For clarity, my ex does not have a car and so I either drive my son 45 minutes to his house or if he can he will borrow her car but obviously that's if she's okay with that as he isn't automatically entitled to borrow it. So today she would be driving them home and dropping my son off.

He wants us to meet in a carpark close to my house, meaning I need to leave the house. She can't seem to cope with pulling up outside my house and my son getting out of the car and walking in. Yet I could pull up in my car in a carpark and he could get in the car.

My initial reaction was "your girlfriend is a bit of a knob". I'm trying to look at this reasonably as my feelings are fairly dictated by a strong sense of injustice, that being that there is an idea of me that isn't quite true and the reality puts him in a bad light. But that's probably not relevant to the situation so I'm struggling to put that aside.

Am I being unreasonable to expect that I don't have to do any legwork when it would add at most 5 minutes for them to drop him off at mine. I don't feel like she should be dictating this. i appreciate she may have some underlying insecurity or mental health issues but I also feel like he is pandering to her to keep her happy and she isn't the parent. Or because she's driving should I accommodate the request

I already have to drive a total of two hours to drop him off on a weekend, if my son goes to my ex's parents, I have to meet half way at the end of the weekend to collect my son from their house. I live halfway between my ex and his parents, basically 45 minutes to his or 45 minutes to theirs.

I haven't any ground rules, I of course want my son to see that side of the family but I am fed up with being made to look like an evil twat. What I really want is not to have to drive my son to his dad's, not to have to meet my ex in-laws to collect my son). I just don't want to be involved, I find it distressing given the circumstances of how I feel about my ex. I couldn't even be in the same room as him for a while because it made me feel ill. I understand his priority is making her feel safe and secure but not wanting to drop my son off at my house because she feels uneasy?!

Well - this is making me feel uneasy about my son spending time at theirs when she is there. She does seem nice, and she cares for my son and I don't believe she would ever say anything. But I'm starting to feel quite unhappy.

Head wobble or?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 11:48

@Changelingbutonlyforme

Actually maybe the not wanting to sit outside the house is actually about either your ex of his gf not wanting you to see her. Maybe you know her? Maybe he/she’s worried you’ll be angry or judgmental and something related to her appearance (age maybe?).

If if and buts were crisps and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas as they say.

None of this matters and really isn't worth the OP's head space.

Best to concentrate on what really matters and that's the contact arrangement.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 26/12/2021 11:48

Surely it is him keeping you from her not her I am guessing?
Suggest he uses a taxi.

timeisnotaline · 26/12/2021 11:49

‘If you can’t drop him over here then you can’t be comfortable with my dropping him at your house so shall we make all contact handover at a midway point from now on? Would save me a lot of time tbh! Let me know otherwise I will expect him outside at the usual time thanks’

BatshitBanshee · 26/12/2021 11:52

Your ex needs to realize that when it comes to his child, it's really not what his uneasy gf wants at all. It's about stability for the child. She sounds like a control freak and he is more than happy to go along because it suits him. Stop trying to be friends with her and start getting strict formal agreements in place. Meeting in a carpark is fucking nonsense.

Does your friend know what your ex did? Because that is seriously creepy behaviour and if I were, I'd report that to police....

3scape · 26/12/2021 11:52

I'm confused as to why you invite him round for dinner based on his behaviours but then you describe crushing his self confidence as though it's a normal reaction to someone's terrible actions.

I think you and your ex should probably stop giving each other so much headspace. It sounds a very uncomfortable ongoing argument. Feel for the child who can't just say 'no' to all of this weirdness.

RandomMess · 26/12/2021 11:54

Is this contact court ordered or an informal agreement?

You seem to do a hell of a lot of running around on your time to enable your ex.

If it's informal I suggest you propose from now on you will only be doing x y z and when it's his turn to collect or drop off DS it's to you in your HOME.

It seems like all the handover is actually keeping you more involved in each other's lives than necessary.

Twillow · 26/12/2021 11:55

My concern would be the effect on your son of all the bad-mouthing that's going on in both camps. Imagine a kid hearing people argue over where to drop him off??

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/12/2021 11:55

It's reasonable to say DC must be dropped off at your house. It's not reasonable to consider this his GFs responsibility. He needs to find a way to facilitate at least half of the travel, be that public transport, taxi, taxi from point his GF is happy to drive too, a second job to buy his own car.

Chloemol · 26/12/2021 11:55

I would do it this time, but make it clear that moving forward it’s up to him to come and collect his son and return him. If that means getting public transport to a taxi, or hire a car for the weekend then that’s what he needs to do

LondonWolf · 26/12/2021 12:01

I’d simply say “I will not be meeting in car parks, how you deal with this is completely up to you, see you and ds at 5 (or whatever time”) then refuse to discuss it any further. This is not your problem to solve.

I don’t think you sound as bad as each other at all. Unless you were both harvesting nudes of each other’s best friends of their lap tops..:?

needmoreshinys · 26/12/2021 12:01

I have been the partner dropping off DSS and after the first few times, it does get boring, thinking its a quick drop off and it turns into a half an hour conversation about various things. Now DP does it himself and they can talk to their hearts content.

But, taking everything on face value, I would have an anxious inkling, that if she is starting to dictate drop off and pick ups, what else is she going to start dictating, she doesn't want your DS over that weekend because of XYZ, that is where my thoughts would go.

I would just say to your XDP, he needs to get your son home, not in some car park and if that means she drops him off in the car park and goes home, so he can walk your son to his house and then make his own way home that is what needs to happen.

Double3xposure · 26/12/2021 12:02

@Palavah

Stop making it about her. Your ex needs to drop off your son to your house after his contact time, if that's the arrangement. It's up to him how he sorts that.

Stop investing yourself in this woman.

This. I suspect your EX is telling you both a lot of lies about each other because he likes the drama.

Just step back and refuse to listen to his nonsense. I know it’s hard but you need to stop caring what he says about you and what she thinks about you.

I know it’s unfair but you are getting tied up in knots because of it. And you can’t control him or her. You also can’t stop your child seeing his father because you think she’s a nutter, although you may well be right.

Just drop the rope and focus on what you CAN control .

Stop doing all this driving to facilitate contact, it’s not your job.

If he has his child , he needs to return him to you. He can get a lift with his GF or get a taxi or walk or cycle, it’s all up to him.

And it’s not your job to facilitate your child’s contact with his paternal family. So stop taking your DS to see your ex H parents. That’s his job to organise.

He and his Gf can drive him there or take him by public transport or get a taxi or have the GP collect him or hire a car or do anything else . It’s up to them.

Not your job. Step back.

Don’t get angry , just be politely regretful.

“ I’m afraid that doesn't work for me “
“ Ok let me know when you have a plan “
“ I’ll have DS ready for then and let him know you will pick him up”.

gamerchick · 26/12/2021 12:02

Your ex sounds weak and goes for a certain type of woman. You also have no clue what he's told her about you. Bullshit or not.

Your job is to make the bairn available for contact. I wouldn't be doing this uneasy shit at all me. He collects and you pick up from now on. It's not fair on the bairn to sit around in carparks because the grown ups in his life can't get on.

Original poster

CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 12:04

@3scape

I'm confused as to why you invite him round for dinner based on his behaviours but then you describe crushing his self confidence as though it's a normal reaction to someone's terrible actions. I think you and your ex should probably stop giving each other so much headspace. It sounds a very uncomfortable ongoing argument. Feel for the child who can't just say 'no' to all of this weirdness.

I know it might seem like a complete contradiction but I was trying to build something amicable for my son. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing half the time and so was attempting to put my feelings aside. It's not exactly something I wanted to do but I thought it would be good for DS. I'm misguided at the best of times

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2021 12:12

@needmoreshinys

She's not really dictating drop-offs at all.

The child's father is doing that by not making his own arrangements, that don't involve his girlfriend.

TheHallouminati · 26/12/2021 12:18

My thoughts are similar to other posters above. He's told her lies about you and lied to you about her. He's trying to control the situation and make sure neither of you catch on. Does she know where you live or has he lied to his gf about that and invented her "uneasiness" as an excuse for her not to find out as it will expose a bunch of little lies and mistruths he's told her about you. He's probably told her you feel "uneasy" about her dropping your ds at your house.
He's just telling each woman whatever he feels like to control the narrative/situation and create drama and/or sympathy from the other.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 26/12/2021 12:20

How old is your son? How much of this nonsense is he aware of??

ImmutableSexQueen · 26/12/2021 12:23

@CrunchieBites You aren't misguided or wrong, you're muddling through like the rest of us, and putting your child first. It leads to more pain for women as we try to accommodate everyone else, including the slippery losers we bred with. Your posts are reminding me of when it was me. It will pass, eventually. Your child will grow up, your connection with the ex will fade. Cut him and his drama out of your mind whenever you can. Keep going. You're doing your best.

Original poster

CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 12:23

@MagnoliatheMagnificent

How old is your son? How much of this nonsense is he aware of??

10, and I would hope none as conversations have been via WhatsApp

OP posts:

Goldbar · 26/12/2021 12:30

It's not your ex's girlfriend's responsibility to bring your son home. The responsibility belongs to his father. If girlfriend won't do it, the father will need to walk or get a taxi.

It's not your problem either. Just tell your ex there's no way you're meeting in a car park so he'll just have to work out a way to get your DS home.

Thelnebriati · 26/12/2021 12:36

Tell your ex to stop it. He needs to stop passing on messages (both ways), and step up as a Dad.

GreetingsAndSalutations · 26/12/2021 12:41

I don’t see the issue dropping the kid off in a car park personally. I do this with my ex as he’s not allowed to know my address. My children are not scarred by this.

As for the girlfriend, I assume it’s your ex telling you this stuff about how she hates you, thinks you’re the worst and you make her feel “uneasy”. Why is he telling you this? Why should you care? Also as much as a knob as it seems like GF is being, it’s not her responsibility to be involved in drop offs for contact. It’s the child’s parents responsibility. If she was happy to be then great, really kind of her. But she’s clearly not so you and your ex will have to deal with how you would if she wasn’t on the scene.

FreedomFaith · 26/12/2021 12:43

But weird that she's happy to drop your son off in a car park, but not your house 5 mins away? Is your house a lot nicer than his?

ChequerBoard · 26/12/2021 12:44

@CrunchieBites Your DS may well be unaware of the WhatsApp messages but there must be conversations about this both at your house and at his father's. There no way he doesn't know there is an issue and anyway he can't fail to be aware that he isn't being dropped off at home.

You all need to agree that he is more important that any tit-for-tat nonsense from the past.

billy1966 · 26/12/2021 12:45

@Outlyingtrout

I would probably just tell him that it’s very silly and of course you won’t be entertaining this. If she’s going to be on the scene forever (potentially) then unfortunately she needs to get her head around the fact that your husband has an ex wife who is the mother of his child. You exist. Tough shit. I’d remind him that you already do far far more than your fair share of driving to facilitate his contact with his son and that you can’t believe he would consider this to be a reasonable request in the circumstances. I’d also probably question him directly on what on earth he’s said to her that has rendered her unable to briefly sit in a car outside your house, and suggest that perhaps a bit of truthfulness from him might solve the issue. I’d be firm that the solution to the issue would not be you doing even more of the donkey work of transporting your son around on his behalf.

This.

She can drop your son in the next street and he can walk your son to your house.

Do not entertain this. He is to be returned to your house.

I don't think he is trustworthy.

Stop thinking about this woman and what your scummy ex has said.

Her MH issues are hers.
Just communicate about your son.

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