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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

His girlfriend is uneasy....

89 replies

CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 11:17

Posting for traffic and have changed username because I might show this to my ex.

Divorced three years.

I live with new partner and I think ex husband lives with his girlfriend of a year (I say I think because I'm pretty sure they do now but she potentially has another home she goes back to, not entirely sure but his flat is full of her belongings)

I'm not allowed to go into his flat with my son when I drop him off because it makes ex's girlfriend uneasy.

She's refused to meet me and have a chat so I could get to know my son's potential future stepmother (I guess that's fine I don't think that's usual to meet and I didn't afford my ex the same luxury but the invite is open and I have invited them both round for dinner which she didn't want to do).

She thinks I walk all over him, dictating certain things. She thinks I'm an evil witch based on what he has said, like for instance I caused his depression by crushing his self confidence.

I did crush his self confidence but it was in retaliation to things he had done, for instance stealing my bestfriends nudes from her laptop and storing them on his pc (which I found).

The reason he lets me walk all over him (as per her description) is probably the ever impending threat that I may tell his girlfriend everything he did. I'm not particularly innocent, I wasn't nice to him.

So she has an opinion of me that I believe is based on half truths, he's admitted he can't rectify the situation as she would leave him. There's a few other things that are slightly worse that he did but he wasn't a violent person and is a good dad

They took my son to his parents for Christmas as it was his turn. Last night I get a message that says she feels uneasy about dropping my son back off at my house on their way back. For clarity, my ex does not have a car and so I either drive my son 45 minutes to his house or if he can he will borrow her car but obviously that's if she's okay with that as he isn't automatically entitled to borrow it. So today she would be driving them home and dropping my son off.

He wants us to meet in a carpark close to my house, meaning I need to leave the house. She can't seem to cope with pulling up outside my house and my son getting out of the car and walking in. Yet I could pull up in my car in a carpark and he could get in the car.

My initial reaction was "your girlfriend is a bit of a knob". I'm trying to look at this reasonably as my feelings are fairly dictated by a strong sense of injustice, that being that there is an idea of me that isn't quite true and the reality puts him in a bad light. But that's probably not relevant to the situation so I'm struggling to put that aside.

Am I being unreasonable to expect that I don't have to do any legwork when it would add at most 5 minutes for them to drop him off at mine. I don't feel like she should be dictating this. i appreciate she may have some underlying insecurity or mental health issues but I also feel like he is pandering to her to keep her happy and she isn't the parent. Or because she's driving should I accommodate the request

I already have to drive a total of two hours to drop him off on a weekend, if my son goes to my ex's parents, I have to meet half way at the end of the weekend to collect my son from their house. I live halfway between my ex and his parents, basically 45 minutes to his or 45 minutes to theirs.

I haven't any ground rules, I of course want my son to see that side of the family but I am fed up with being made to look like an evil twat. What I really want is not to have to drive my son to his dad's, not to have to meet my ex in-laws to collect my son). I just don't want to be involved, I find it distressing given the circumstances of how I feel about my ex. I couldn't even be in the same room as him for a while because it made me feel ill. I understand his priority is making her feel safe and secure but not wanting to drop my son off at my house because she feels uneasy?!

Well - this is making me feel uneasy about my son spending time at theirs when she is there. She does seem nice, and she cares for my son and I don't believe she would ever say anything. But I'm starting to feel quite unhappy.

Head wobble or?

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 26/12/2021 12:52

It's clever form of control on her part and it appears to be working.

Freddiefox · 26/12/2021 12:53

You’re far to involved in this drama.

She doesn’t want to meet you, so leave it at that.
She’s uneasy about meeting you, that’s fine it’s not your problem.

Stop engaging in conversation with ex about her.

Arrange contact, he picks up, you drop off. The fact he hasn’t got a car isn’t for you to fix. No need for the conversations about gf with ex.

As long as ds is happy, step away from the drama.

VanGoghsDog · 26/12/2021 12:53

It's idiotic.

But you could suggest she drops him and DS round the corner and he walks DS to your house if she's so scared of just seeing the outside of your house.
Say you've had a drink and can't drive.
Either way, just say "I'll be home, expecting him at x time, how you get here is up to you"

Remember - everything she 'thinks' is due to what he has told her, and everything you 'know' she 'thinks' is what he has told you.....so.....it's probably all nonsense!

NorthSouthcatlady · 26/12/2021 12:53

So what if she feels uneasy? That’s their/her problem for them to work out between. I wouldn’t get involved cabs decline the car park drop offs as they are ridiculous

Double3xposure · 26/12/2021 12:56

@Anordinarymum

It's clever form of control on her part and it appears to be working.

I agree it’s a clever form of control and it’s working. I’m just not sure if it’s him or her who is pulling the strings.

needmoreshinys · 26/12/2021 12:56

@WorraLiberty

*She's not really dictating drop-offs at all.

The child's father is doing that by not making his own arrangements, that don't involve his girlfriend.*

When you are the person with the car, especially over the last few years, you tend to be the person dictating it, its up to her whether he uses her car, up to her whether she drives them.

I think he should just cut her out and make his own plans, maybe with covid, he has thought that the car is the safer option when going between two households

Shallwegoforawalk · 26/12/2021 12:58

@Outlyingtrout

I would probably just tell him that it’s very silly and of course you won’t be entertaining this. If she’s going to be on the scene forever (potentially) then unfortunately she needs to get her head around the fact that your husband has an ex wife who is the mother of his child. You exist. Tough shit. I’d remind him that you already do far far more than your fair share of driving to facilitate his contact with his son and that you can’t believe he would consider this to be a reasonable request in the circumstances. I’d also probably question him directly on what on earth he’s said to her that has rendered her unable to briefly sit in a car outside your house, and suggest that perhaps a bit of truthfulness from him might solve the issue. I’d be firm that the solution to the issue would not be you doing even more of the donkey work of transporting your son around on his behalf.

All of this ^

tara66 · 26/12/2021 13:01

Your ex is responsible for the transport for his son's visits. He has been separated from you for 3 years and that is plenty of time for him to make his own arrangements. He should have got a car or made use of taxi or public transport by now. You are not responsible neither is his new GF for the transport for these visits.

UserBot · 26/12/2021 13:01

I know it's hard (and I'm struggling to deal with my parents' projections on to me) but this is a basic randomer. Your x's gf.

What she thinks of you is none of your business.

Keep repeating that.

RedHelenB · 26/12/2021 13:03

Yanbu, say no.

Babyroobs · 26/12/2021 13:07

@WorraLiberty

Somewhere in the middle of all this absolute petty 'He said/She said' crap, is a small child relying on his adults to put him first and just act like adults.

Forget wanting to meet his GF, forget all the crap and just tell him you'll both (as grown ups) need to make firm arrangements that you both agree with during his contact time.

Absolutely this ! What a drama, adults behaving like kids.

CheshireKitten123 · 26/12/2021 13:08

@tara66

This

What your exH is doing is called "triangulation" - playing one of you off against the other.

It's a way of getting control.

Don't fall for it.

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 26/12/2021 13:14

I’d use the car park dropping off to your advantage. Pull up beside them, friendly grin on your face and a box of shortbread or whatever as token gift. “Oh hello GF, lovely to meet you etc etc”. You’ll come out of it looking like the bigger person, the ice will be broken and it’ll hopefully stop any further game-playing.

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2021 13:16

The only bit of this which is relevant is the gf not wanting to drop off the child at your house. Tell the ex that there isn’t a choice in all this, and that your DS gets dropped off there regardless of what she thinks.

The rest just seems like petty gameplay on both sides. She’s not unreasonable to not want you coming into their house, I wouldn’t dream of thinking it was ok to go into my ex’s house where his DP and dc live, and there are plenty of posts here where people don’t feel comfortable with their ex’s coming into the house and are sympathised with.

I wouldn’t want to meet you either. Chance meeting is one thing, but this whole needing to meet the new girlfriend which some ex’s insist on is just a control tactic.

WRT you driving, who was the one who moved?

Rainydonkey · 26/12/2021 13:24

I think it is easy to get sucked into this kind of drama. An easy way to decide what to go along with and what to draw a line on, as others have said, is to make sure you are always considering your DS, rather than the adults. For example as far as the dropping him off in a car park near your house, that will clearly impact negatively on your DS, as it makes it obvious there is an issue, and it is just bloody weird and unnecessary. Fair enough to refuse to go along with that. If they want you to meet half way another time, it is in your DS's interests to facilitate contact, so it would make sense to do that if you can.

ChristmasFluff · 26/12/2021 13:45

OP, have you actually heard any of this from the new gf's mouth?

Wouldn't surprise me if he's saying similar to her - you don't want to meet her, think she's controlling etc.

I'd use this as an opportunity to meet her. Go to the car park. Go up to her car, tap on her window, have a chat - without the middle man.

At the very least, she won't pull this sort of stunt again, if she really doesn't want ot be around you. At best the truth may even come out.

WonderfulYou · 26/12/2021 13:55

Firstly, I think it’s ridiculous they don’t drop your son off at your house.

So she has an opinion of me that I believe is based on half truths

I’m sure the above is also true of your OH - he would of course think your ex is more to blame than you.
I’m sure it is also true of your OP - you are telling us your version of events whilst I’m sure he has a complete opposite version.

You don’t come across great in your OP so depending on what the truth actually is it’s hard to say whether the new gf is being very unreasonable or she is right to want to have boundaries.

I would message the ex and ask to draw a line in the sand. Say you don’t need to meet her as your son likes her but you don’t want her to feel uncomfortable around you as you have no issue with her and you want to stop all the games and just put your son first.
I would be saying that you won’t meet them anywhere to pick him up as that is not fair on the son.

Nailsbythesea · 26/12/2021 13:58

It's her car. She can dictate what she wants regarding the car.

But you should be able to pick up or drop of from his house ex needs to get his own bloody car.

He is stirring the pot.

Original poster

CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 14:08

@WonderfulYou

Firstly, I think it’s ridiculous they don’t drop your son off at your house.

So she has an opinion of me that I believe is based on half truths

You don’t come across great in your OP so depending on what the truth actually is it’s hard to say whether the new gf is being very unreasonable or she is right to want to have boundaries.

So I didn't want to go into all the wrongs I feel were committed against me because I didn't think it was relevant to the situation which is managing ex's access to DS. I understand I may come across as an idiot in my OP but I'm trying really hard to be object (and failing miserably).

I am trying to but absolutely seem yo be unable to separate what he did in the past specifically to me, with all of this. I'm trying to disentangle it all because I know it's not healthy but I just feel utter rage! For instance, why should I have to do x y and z to make life convinient for him when he did something unforgivable to me.

Yet I know that it should sit outside of the whole getting my son to his house but I don't know how to make my head compartmentalise or whatever it is I need to do.

I think I can definitely understand and get the advice that I need to mentally take the gf out of the equation, that's definitely related to me feeling like it's unfair but yes, I need to remove that.

OP posts:

C152 · 26/12/2021 14:22

I think you need to ignore the petty and potentially controlling girlfriend and discuss the crux of the matter with your ex - how to get your child to and from each other's houses. I appreciate your ex hasn't got his own car, but that's not your issue to solve. I would suggest one of you drops off and the other picks up, so then it's fair. If your ex can't drive, he needs to get public transport or pay for a taxi. (For what it's worth, this is how my ex and I do things - i'm the one who doesn't drive - and because, on this issue at least, we both behave like adults, it works fine.)

The girlfriend and her views don't need to come into this at all. It's just a conversation with your ex e.g. each weekend when it's your turn, why don't I drop our child at your place and you bring them back by dinner time Sunday (of whatever your arrangments are)?

WonderfulYou · 26/12/2021 14:26

This is so honest of you and it’s something everyone struggles with. I think it’s the hardest part of having an ex who you share children with.

I would just try and break it down as much as you can, as and when certain situations arise.

The gf is not your ex, she will of course be on his side.
Don’t punish her for things he did and at the same time that means the issues between you and him have nothing to do with her so there’s no reason she shouldn’t drop your son off outside of your house.
Is she afraid of you?

GatoradeMeBitch · 26/12/2021 14:37

I understand his priority is making her feel safe and secure

I think his priority is making sure she doesn't find out the vile things he doesn't want her to know. And part of that is turning you into an evil monster she must not go anywhere near.

I wish women would get a bit more savvy about this kind of thing, but no, they simply swallow the story that she was a "psycho", probably enjoying feeling virtuous that she will be the one to save him and help him trust again

Is it court ordered that you must be in charge of all transport for your son seeing his father and father's family?

2bazookas · 26/12/2021 14:40

As you have never met Ex's GF , how on earth could you know what she thinks of you ?

Don't be stupid enough to believe whatever EX tells you she thinks or says about you

Tallisimo · 26/12/2021 14:43

Ignore the girlfriend. This isn’t about her, and what she may or not think or believe. You don’t know her views - all you have is your ex’s side of the story and frankly he could be telling you a pack of lies or whatever suits him.

What’s important here is that HE is DC’s father and HE has the responsibility for his share of the childcare, and that includes pick-ups and drop offs. It’s not unreasonable for you - and your son! - to expect to be dropped off it the house. How he does it is up to him. Don’t suggest ways he can do it. Tell him it’s up to him, and that you will be expecting DC home and on the doorstep at the agreed time.

Don’t get drawn into facilitating his games!

And as for cosy meals, I’d forget it. Why would you want to perpetuate the clearly dodgy relationship dynamics at work here? Just focus on the co-parenting issues and free your mind from this emotional entanglement you seem to be tied up in.

Beautiful3 · 26/12/2021 15:03

I'd explain that if he didn't return him as previously agreed, then he's not to have him again.

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