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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His girlfriend is uneasy....

89 replies

CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 11:17

Posting for traffic and have changed username because I might show this to my ex.

Divorced three years.

I live with new partner and I think ex husband lives with his girlfriend of a year (I say I think because I'm pretty sure they do now but she potentially has another home she goes back to, not entirely sure but his flat is full of her belongings)

I'm not allowed to go into his flat with my son when I drop him off because it makes ex's girlfriend uneasy.

She's refused to meet me and have a chat so I could get to know my son's potential future stepmother (I guess that's fine I don't think that's usual to meet and I didn't afford my ex the same luxury but the invite is open and I have invited them both round for dinner which she didn't want to do).

She thinks I walk all over him, dictating certain things. She thinks I'm an evil witch based on what he has said, like for instance I caused his depression by crushing his self confidence.

I did crush his self confidence but it was in retaliation to things he had done, for instance stealing my bestfriends nudes from her laptop and storing them on his pc (which I found).

The reason he lets me walk all over him (as per her description) is probably the ever impending threat that I may tell his girlfriend everything he did. I'm not particularly innocent, I wasn't nice to him.

So she has an opinion of me that I believe is based on half truths, he's admitted he can't rectify the situation as she would leave him. There's a few other things that are slightly worse that he did but he wasn't a violent person and is a good dad

They took my son to his parents for Christmas as it was his turn. Last night I get a message that says she feels uneasy about dropping my son back off at my house on their way back. For clarity, my ex does not have a car and so I either drive my son 45 minutes to his house or if he can he will borrow her car but obviously that's if she's okay with that as he isn't automatically entitled to borrow it. So today she would be driving them home and dropping my son off.

He wants us to meet in a carpark close to my house, meaning I need to leave the house. She can't seem to cope with pulling up outside my house and my son getting out of the car and walking in. Yet I could pull up in my car in a carpark and he could get in the car.

My initial reaction was "your girlfriend is a bit of a knob". I'm trying to look at this reasonably as my feelings are fairly dictated by a strong sense of injustice, that being that there is an idea of me that isn't quite true and the reality puts him in a bad light. But that's probably not relevant to the situation so I'm struggling to put that aside.

Am I being unreasonable to expect that I don't have to do any legwork when it would add at most 5 minutes for them to drop him off at mine. I don't feel like she should be dictating this. i appreciate she may have some underlying insecurity or mental health issues but I also feel like he is pandering to her to keep her happy and she isn't the parent. Or because she's driving should I accommodate the request

I already have to drive a total of two hours to drop him off on a weekend, if my son goes to my ex's parents, I have to meet half way at the end of the weekend to collect my son from their house. I live halfway between my ex and his parents, basically 45 minutes to his or 45 minutes to theirs.

I haven't any ground rules, I of course want my son to see that side of the family but I am fed up with being made to look like an evil twat. What I really want is not to have to drive my son to his dad's, not to have to meet my ex in-laws to collect my son). I just don't want to be involved, I find it distressing given the circumstances of how I feel about my ex. I couldn't even be in the same room as him for a while because it made me feel ill. I understand his priority is making her feel safe and secure but not wanting to drop my son off at my house because she feels uneasy?!

Well - this is making me feel uneasy about my son spending time at theirs when she is there. She does seem nice, and she cares for my son and I don't believe she would ever say anything. But I'm starting to feel quite unhappy.

Head wobble or?

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 26/12/2021 15:06

Jeez - you’ve got a massive downer on the GF and applying double standards

Gingernaut · 26/12/2021 15:06

Have you actually spoken to her?

Or is everything you 'know' coming through him?

Chances are his girlfriend is perfectly reasonable, but he can't risk you two meeting at all.

Original poster
CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 15:13

@Gingernaut

Have you actually spoken to her?

Or is everything you 'know' coming through him?

Chances are his girlfriend is perfectly reasonable, but he can't risk you two meeting at all.

So, everything I know is from him but I have met her a few times briefly. She seemed very nice at the time, I said to DS go give Gf a hug goodbye and she smiled. So I had no indication she thought me to be evil

But yes, I have never heard this directly from her and I have never messaged her or anything like that.

OP posts:
whatsleep · 26/12/2021 15:18

Sounds like your ex doesn’t want his girlfriend to know where you live so is twisting the story.

FelizNavidads · 26/12/2021 15:20

The ex is trying to wind you up…

I think just clearly focusing on DS’ needs is the only thing you need to do.

You don’t need to make Ex GF like you. Or for her to see the ex for the manipulative perv that he is. You don’t owe her anything.

Do you need to formalise the arrangements? Would that help? I’ve no idea but maybe talk to a solicitor?

De88 · 26/12/2021 15:32

You are right OP, you've already acknowledged that much of what you've put in your original post is totally irrelevant. All that needs to happen is your ex takes responsibility for getting your child back to you safely, it's good of her, but nothing to do with his new partner.

LatteLady · 26/12/2021 15:44

Just call her and speak to her. I suspect a lot of this nonsense is your ex still trying to exercise control and that she is not in the slightest bit bothered.

motheroflions · 26/12/2021 15:44

She can drop him off any where she likes - car park - around the corner but he brings your son to your house.

Do not enter in this arrangement.

And I would drop him off directly outside his fathers house too.

CaMePlaitPas · 26/12/2021 15:51

He's playing you both like a fiddle. His son, his responsibility. You call him and you tell him you want your son home. He's an adult, he can take the bus.

Nogardenersworld · 26/12/2021 15:54

Your ex is loving the drama.
Why’s he telling you?
I wouldn’t tell anyone my partner feels uneasy with them, or that my partner thinks they do x to me.
Who gives a shit what she thinks. What does he think. Why isn’t he correcting her. Why is he telling you. He sounds like a drip and he’s stirring the pot.
You sound like you’re falling for all the drama.

There’s a child in this. All three of you need to get a grip.

bluegreygreen · 26/12/2021 15:56

The only thing that is important in this is the direct communication between you and your Ex about your son - whether that be contact arrangements, school issues etc.

From what you say, everything else is second hand via your Ex, so not reliable. You have no real idea what his GF thinks or says.

The best thing to do is likely going to be to formalise contact/communication arrangements and not try to do anything else. 'Friendly' meals etc won't work when you are full of rage at Ex's behaviour and will only confuse your son - and there is no need for you to enter his home.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 26/12/2021 15:56

just say "I'll be home, expecting him at x time, how you get here is up to you"

This. Resist the silliness and the drama.

Original poster
CrunchieBites · 26/12/2021 16:25

Sorry a couple of people have asked.

No formal arrangements re custody.
He has DS once every two weeks, pays whatever child maintenance calculator says.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2021 16:47

Gingernaut

Have you actually spoken to her?

Or is everything you 'know' coming through him?

Chances are his girlfriend is perfectly reasonable, but he can't risk you two meeting at all.

OP: So, everything I know is from him but I have met her a few times briefly. She seemed very nice at the time, I said to DS go give Gf a hug goodbye and she smiled. So I had no indication she thought me to be evil

But yes, I have never heard this directly from her and I have never messaged her or anything like that.

=====

I have to say I was not surprised to read that it is him telling you all this rather than her.

IMO, pretty much everything he tells you is a lie designed to fuck with your head.

"Last night I get a message that says she feels uneasy about dropping my son back off at my house on their way back."
No, last night you got a message in which he CLAIMED ...

Text him back that he is to deliver his son home and not to some car park as if he is some "dodgy drug deal" (thank you @UsernameInTheTown for that phraseGrin).

"I already have to drive a total of two hours to drop him off on a weekend"
It's high time his father took charge of that. Your job is to make your son available for access visits, his father should be picking him up. I suspect making you do the driving gives your ex some sort of thrill of power. Time to put a stop to that.

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