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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry at Parents

99 replies

DimlowChips · 26/12/2021 00:27

Firstly I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

This is my first post here and I wanted your opinions.

My mum has been in hospital for the past 5 weeks (non life threatening)
My dad cannot be bothered with any aspect of life, he has never had any interests.. seriously nothing.
We invited him over today for Christmas which he accepted. My mum and dad are always happy to get something for nothing.

After lunch my dad decided to go home.
My DS who is 5 stood by the sofa after his grandad left and heartbreakingly asked why grandad didn’t give him a present. My DS adores his grandparents and they cannot be bothered with him.
I have a tricky relationship with both parents.
For information my mum has her iPad in hospital and is ordering furniture for an upcoming house move. So either of them could have arranged a gift.
My DS gave them both handmade gifts and cards and we also gave them gifts.
I feel so let down by them on my DS’s behalf. He would have been happy with a tube of bloody smarties!

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break.

OP posts:

Briarshollow · 26/12/2021 00:30

Time is more valuable than things and presents. And if they’re not generous with time, that’s the real loss. Not that he didn’t get something to unwrap and lose interest in. I’d probably stop bothering with them so much. You don’t sound particularly struck by them anyway.

HeddaGarbled · 26/12/2021 00:35

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I had a bit of sympathy until I read that sentence. What a load of manipulative sentimental clap trap. ‘Heard his heart break’ because he didn’t get one more present? Come on now.

41sunnydays · 26/12/2021 00:40

It's hard when you have a tricky relationship with parents. I'm also angry / upset with my parents. We invited my parents over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Told them they could pop in for what ever suited them, breakfast, lunch, or just drinks.

They live 5 min drive or 15 min walk away. They decided not to visit and spent it with other friends and relatives. I have three children all who would of loved to have seen their grandparents but I really don't think they care. They often message and ask for photos of the kids but I often don't bother sending any as we are just down the road from them.

foreverandalways · 26/12/2021 00:44

I am 50 now and we hosted my so called father last Xmas day who was collected from home to our home with no thanks....sat at my table eating whilst we were still setting out food into serving dishes and sat expected to be waited on as though in a bloody hotel...I chose thoughtful gifts for him and not even a bloody Xmas card let alone a gift......no contact for the last six months....

stevalnamechanger · 26/12/2021 00:46

@HeddaGarbled

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I had a bit of sympathy until I read that sentence. What a load of manipulative sentimental clap trap. ‘Heard his heart break’ because he didn’t get one more present? Come on now.

This is a little harsh no ?

A child , who is excited by exchanging gifts with loved ones ....

I'm sure it's upsetting to not understand his grandads behaviour

SoniaFouler · 26/12/2021 00:46

@HeddaGarbled

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I had a bit of sympathy until I read that sentence. What a load of manipulative sentimental clap trap. ‘Heard his heart break’ because he didn’t get one more present? Come on now.

Yes, I agree with this. This is entitled behaviour. Nobody is owed a present. It sounds spoiled.

Lottapianos · 26/12/2021 00:47

I get it. It's not just the lack of present, it's the thoughtlessness and the lack of importance you feel. It's shit, and those sorts of feelings just get magnified at this time of year. Not feeling seen and valued by your parents hurts so much no matter how old you are, and seeing your son treated the same way must add an extra dimension to the hurt. I'm sorry. It's utter rubbish

CraftyGin · 26/12/2021 00:47

Welcome to Mumsnet!

I think with elderly people, you don't always know what is going on. They may be at the early stages of dementia, and this may manifest in the way you describe. Your DDad may be depressed due to his situation with your DMum.

It's really common to want to go home very soon after arriving at your hosts. I know was the case with my FIL. He managed 45 minutes to a full family gathering before wanting to return to his care-home (no diagnosed dementia). With my DMum, she was very antisocial just before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, so made no sense/was offensive to us.

I think you can only control your own behaviour or reaction, and you need to have more empathy for your parents, and teach your son to be likewise.

You also need to impress upon your DS that a gift from him is unconditional. There does not need to be any reciprocation.

Christmas is for giving, not for getting.

Original poster

DimlowChips · 26/12/2021 00:51

DS is certainly not spoiled. He is very thoughtful, explained to us that he wanted to make individual presents for nanny and grandad as nanny is in hospital and would be able to share.
DS was so excited to GIVE his gift to grandad.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 26/12/2021 00:51

I’m sorry op. Nobody is entitled to a present ofcourse but a 5 year old doesn’t understand that and the way your parents treated him, does seem pretty cold. I wouldn’t host them anymore for Christmas or give your son a present you bought and say it’s from them and they had forgotten about it initially. Not to cover up for their bad behavior but to protect your DS from disappointment over his grandparents lack of effort.

SoniaFouler · 26/12/2021 00:52

@DimlowChips

But you said he did give presents to them…

TameDucksAtChatsworth · 26/12/2021 00:56

@HeddaGarbled

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I had a bit of sympathy until I read that sentence. What a load of manipulative sentimental clap trap. ‘Heard his heart break’ because he didn’t get one more present? Come on now.

This!

accidentlygothereagain · 26/12/2021 01:09

I think this is being over analysed and it's harsh to call a young child 'entitled'; when he was clearly excited about giving, make handmade gifts and cards, and values their time.

It's no secret that children get presents on Christmas?

Any young boy would feel disheartened / like they've done something wrong to not receive from a close family member on Christmas Day!

HippyMoon · 26/12/2021 01:11

This website is FILLED with threads of grown adults getting shit gifts for family members who they bought well thought out gifts for, and an actual 5 year old is spoiled for getting upset when he was excited at the idea of gift exchanging with his grandad?! Come the fuck on.

Lottapianos · 26/12/2021 01:12

'Any young boy would feel disheartened / like they've done something wrong to not receive from a close family member on Christmas Day!'

Exactly! This is one of those moments when MN seems to be in a parallel universe

Theyearthatneverwas · 26/12/2021 01:13

Perfect opportunity to teach your son to never expect gifts from anyone. Appreciate gifts when given but never expect them. That is just grabby behaviour. Did your son enjoy spending time with his grandpa? If yes, that that should be sufficient.

ImmutableSexQueen · 26/12/2021 01:15

Annoying behaviour from your father. Prep your DS for next year 'Grandad doesn't bother with presents'. My dd knows I don't have much money so my dgd is warned in advance there will only be one present from me. It seems to work.

nocoolnamesleft · 26/12/2021 01:23

His wife has been in hospital for 5 weeks. I suspect he's a little distracted.

MadAntonia · 26/12/2021 01:24

“My DS who is 5 stood by the sofa after his grandad left and heartbreakingly asked why grandad didn’t give him a present. My DS adores his grandparents and they cannot be bothered with him.”

Your DS is sensing his grandfather’s indifference. The lack of a gift is emblematic of this.

He sounds a lovely, kind-hearted little boy, OP. I’m so sorry his own grandfather can’t appreciate that. His loss.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/12/2021 01:39

I think it is poor show for them, but "I heard his heart break" is hugely melodramatic.

Focus on your ds knowing that gifts aren't a measure of love.

DropYourSword · 26/12/2021 01:45

@HippyMoon

EXACTLY! Of course a 5 year old loves presents. Only on mumsnet would there be competitive complaining that a 5 year old is somehow entitled because they were excited to exchange gifts with a grandparent!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 26/12/2021 01:45

His wife is in hospital. He must have a lot on his plate. It's a shame as a small would have been appreciated by DS but you could explain it that he worried about grandma.

PodgyMcPodgerson · 26/12/2021 01:53

I'd tell your little one that Grandad hid some money with a little note and you found it when you were tidying up..then take him for lunch, let him choose where. He'll forget about it in a couple of days

PodgyMcPodgerson · 26/12/2021 01:54

And let him pay the bill himself with the money when you've finished

phishy · 26/12/2021 02:14

Your dad was an utter shit for not getting his grandson even a small gift. Don’t invite the tightwad again.

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break.

I’ve seen a couple of thread where parents claim their child is heartbroken over presents this Christmas and I really doubt the child is heartbroken. Why can no one just say ‘a bit sad’?!

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