Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at Parents

99 replies

DimlowChips · 26/12/2021 00:27

Firstly I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

This is my first post here and I wanted your opinions.

My mum has been in hospital for the past 5 weeks (non life threatening)
My dad cannot be bothered with any aspect of life, he has never had any interests.. seriously nothing.
We invited him over today for Christmas which he accepted. My mum and dad are always happy to get something for nothing.

After lunch my dad decided to go home.
My DS who is 5 stood by the sofa after his grandad left and heartbreakingly asked why grandad didn’t give him a present. My DS adores his grandparents and they cannot be bothered with him.
I have a tricky relationship with both parents.
For information my mum has her iPad in hospital and is ordering furniture for an upcoming house move. So either of them could have arranged a gift.
My DS gave them both handmade gifts and cards and we also gave them gifts.
I feel so let down by them on my DS’s behalf. He would have been happy with a tube of bloody smarties!

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break.

OP posts:
Original poster
DimlowChips · 26/12/2021 06:51

Thank you for your replies.
I’m not sure I understand those who have commented my son is entitled etc… he’s 5 and it’s Christmas. If he was older and the Christmas magic had gone from our house his behaviour would have been dealt with differently.
Just to clarify my DS had made gifts for both of his grandparents because he was worried that nanny wouldn’t see it due to her being in hospital.
My DS was genuinely excited to give gifts yesterday. Without asking him yesterday he had set the table ‘so grandad could sit next to him’
About 6 weeks ago my parents asked what they could get him for Christmas. We said just a small token gift would be fine.
I agree that my dad is distracted due to mum being in hospital but surely it’s not too much to ask that a selection box or something like that could have been bought whilst dad was doing his food shopping during the week?
We were certainly not expecting lavish gifts from them.

It’s DS birthday in just over a week so we are not expecting any gift for that either.
Maybe I’ll take the advise from the negative MNers who are clearly full of joy and festive spirit and think he’s entitled and tell him this morning not to expect any birthday gift and it’s just one of things and get over yourself!
I’m also guessing that the negative ones would also be the first to come on here complaining that they received rubbish gifts.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 26/12/2021 08:45

Surely you should have just said something like oh he must have forgotten about presents, with granny in hospital and moved on. The heart breaking comment does seem a bit ott. If totally true, have a conversation about how not everyone gives presents and that's ok , and also remind him of all presents he has and move on.

If it's you it bothers rather than your Ds, then figure out what exactly bothers you and how best to deal with it. Don't start using your Ds as a weapon in your dislike of them though.

user1487194234 · 26/12/2021 08:52

I would have tried to diffuse the situation before my child got upset if at all possible
It's not great from your parents but getting over emotional doesn't help anyone

UserBot · 26/12/2021 08:53

@HeddaGarbled

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I had a bit of sympathy until I read that sentence. What a load of manipulative sentimental clap trap. ‘Heard his heart break’ because he didn’t get one more present? Come on now.

Your dad was lazy not to buy presents for the people he was visitin on xmas day but i agree that this sentence is a bit mawkisk. My kids wouldnt have broken hearts if their grandparents got them nothing. Their father not getting them something was registered..... but no deafening breaking hearts.

I would not do xmas for yr parents next year though.

UserBot · 26/12/2021 08:53

You can be angry though!!

Twiglets1 · 26/12/2021 08:59

That was bad of your parents. My Dad has never bothered sending presents to the grandchildren either, mine or my sisters so at least he’s consistent.
He does give me money at Christmas so when they were younger I used to buy something small for them out of that and say it was “from Grandad”

Porcupineintherough · 26/12/2021 09:02

No one is entitled to a gift but the idea at Christmas is that you exchange gifts. The OP'sds is neither spoilt nor entitled to be confused. And her df is a lazy, entitled taker (sorry OP but he is).

PatchworkElmer · 26/12/2021 09:07

I think this is an opportunity to teach your son- similar situation here, except it’s my brother who can be a bit unpredictable with gifts and cards. He didn’t give DS anything for his birthday, DS asked us why not (after DB had left) and we had a talk about how some people are unwell and unable to buy presents, can’t afford them, are very very busy it just feeling a bit sad. We give presents to people we love and it’s nice to spend time together regardless etc.

It’s rubbish that your son was upset at Christmas and it sounds like this is part of a wider pattern, but I just wanted to share what we’d done in case it was of help.

DirtyDancing · 26/12/2021 09:08

OP I get this. Not to give a gift to your 5 year old Grandchild? That is just thoughtless. Agree small chocolate stocking box for £5 would have done.

I would explain to your DC that they are not gift giving people. I wouldn't make anymore excuses for them, but that is the truth and a 5 year old can handle the truth.

I am not a religious person, but the bible story of Martha and Mary explains in a gentle way that some people are givers, and others are takers. It might make you feel less crap about it.

LIZS · 26/12/2021 09:09

While I agree it is poor form, I hope you played it down to your ds as he knows gm is in hospital. Maybe preempt further disappointment by offering to help for birthday gift.

AuntMargo · 26/12/2021 09:11

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break.

Bit dramatic, but selfish parents I agree

Bluntness100 · 26/12/2021 09:16

I’m also in two minds about this, on one side it’s poor form not to get him a gift, but at five my daughter believed in Santa and would not have been expecting a gift never mind breaking her heart over it. I know this for a fact as both sets of grandparents seldom bothered. She wasn’t raised to expect, other than from us.

EmmasMum12 · 26/12/2021 09:21

@DimlowChips

DS is certainly not spoiled. He is very thoughtful, explained to us that he wanted to make individual presents for nanny and grandad as nanny is in hospital and would be able to share. DS was so excited to GIVE his gift to grandad.

And he did that. He gave his gift. Good news

Are you teaching DS that because he has given a gift he must expect a gift in return?

Are you quite sure DS heart broke? Or is that a little added drama for effect?

If you really feel that your DS heart broke AND you know what your parents are like, why didn't YOU buy a gift for your Dad to give to DS so his little heart didn't have to break ?

ElectraBlue · 26/12/2021 09:23

Come on.

Of course if you are invited to celebrate Christmas where they are young kids, grandchildren in this case, it is expected that you will bring them a present. Doesn't have to be big/expensive...

It is not entitlement it is common courtesy to start with and about wanting to make the kid happy.

If you also can't be bothered to spend any time with the people who invited you and their kids, then stay home.

Seems part of a wider lack of concerns. Being elderly, if you still have your cognitive functions, does not give a free pass to be thoughtless all the time...

drpet49 · 26/12/2021 09:30

* This website is FILLED with threads of grown adults getting shit gifts for family members who they bought well thought out gifts for, and an actual 5 year old is spoiled for getting upset when he was excited at the idea of gift exchanging with his grandad?! Come the fuck on.*

^I agree.

scammedmum29 · 26/12/2021 09:33

If it is that much of an issue you could have helped your dad to buy him a gift or just have bought something for your dad to give to him.

Aprilx · 26/12/2021 09:33

There is something really off with your attitude too. You invited him for lunch and then because he accepts you make a comment “always glad to accept something for free”. Don’t host if you are then going to insult the guests that accept.

theitgirll · 26/12/2021 09:36

@HeddaGarbled

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I had a bit of sympathy until I read that sentence. What a load of manipulative sentimental clap trap. ‘Heard his heart break’ because he didn’t get one more present? Come on now.

Absolutely this. You're being very indulgent and projecting feelings onto your child. The man's wife has been in hospital for over a month - it may not be for life-threatening condition but it could well be for a life-changing one, and that's a lot to get your head round. How about you show your father some sympathy and kindness at this difficult time instead of obsessing over material things.
StFrancisdeCompostela · 26/12/2021 09:41

There’s a LOT of needless drama in your post. You didn’t hear your son’s heart break. He’s a small child who likes getting presents and his nose was a little out of joint that he didn’t get one from grandparents. Totally normal way for him to feel, but absolutely not a big, tragic drama.

It’s genuinely sad if your parents aren’t bothered about your son but tbh when you think about it, getting your son a present probably isn’t the most important thing when your mother has been in hospital for weeks (life threatening or no, that’s awful for her and stressful for your dad).

I’d have responded to your son ‘granny has been ill in hospital for a few weeks and it’s been very hard for everyone so I expect they just weren’t thinking much about presents. But grandad still came to visit, wasn’t it nice to see him?’ And saved yourself all the pathos of hearing heartbreaks etc.

LynxGiftsetAndSocks · 26/12/2021 09:50

So much drama!!

Your kids heart did NOT break! You know your parents... know what they are like...so it's your job to have managed his expectations !

lesenfantsdelesperance · 26/12/2021 09:57

@HeddaGarbled

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I had a bit of sympathy until I read that sentence. What a load of manipulative sentimental clap trap. ‘Heard his heart break’ because he didn’t get one more present? Come on now.

I agree with this. But it's not him, it's you. Teach him better, I know it sounds harsh, but teach him some compassion. Even though your mum's condition isn't like threatening, they don't keep people in hospital for 5 weeks just for a stubbed toe, I bet it's not a minor thing, stressful for your dad, and one would assume for you, but you seem to be concentrating on other things.
emsmar · 26/12/2021 10:00

@HeddaGarbled

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I had a bit of sympathy until I read that sentence. What a load of manipulative sentimental clap trap. ‘Heard his heart break’ because he didn’t get one more present? Come on now.

Same!
Nanny0gg · 26/12/2021 10:09

@HippyMoon

This website is FILLED with threads of grown adults getting shit gifts for family members who they bought well thought out gifts for, and an actual 5 year old is spoiled for getting upset when he was excited at the idea of gift exchanging with his grandad?! Come the fuck on.
^^This
NigellaBangBangTurkey · 26/12/2021 10:09

It seems obvious to me that if you know you'll be sharing Christmas with a child - any child, could be the neighbours grandkid you've never met before, you bring them a gift. Even if it was just small. How could you not?

PegasusReturns · 26/12/2021 10:10

Yes, I agree with this. This is entitled behaviour. Nobody is owed a present. It sounds spoiled

Don’t be absurd he’s 5!