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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry at Parents

99 replies

DimlowChips · 26/12/2021 00:27

Firstly I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

This is my first post here and I wanted your opinions.

My mum has been in hospital for the past 5 weeks (non life threatening)
My dad cannot be bothered with any aspect of life, he has never had any interests.. seriously nothing.
We invited him over today for Christmas which he accepted. My mum and dad are always happy to get something for nothing.

After lunch my dad decided to go home.
My DS who is 5 stood by the sofa after his grandad left and heartbreakingly asked why grandad didn’t give him a present. My DS adores his grandparents and they cannot be bothered with him.
I have a tricky relationship with both parents.
For information my mum has her iPad in hospital and is ordering furniture for an upcoming house move. So either of them could have arranged a gift.
My DS gave them both handmade gifts and cards and we also gave them gifts.
I feel so let down by them on my DS’s behalf. He would have been happy with a tube of bloody smarties!

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break.

OP posts:

yoyo1234 · 26/12/2021 11:27

Love this post:

09NigellaBangBangTurkey

It seems obvious to me that if you know you'll be sharing Christmas with a child - any child, could be the neighbours grandkid you've never met before, you bring them a gift. Even if it was just small. How could you not?

Justgettingbye · 26/12/2021 11:29

As long as Santa came and brought him something I don't see what the issue is? He won't remember it and his heart isn't broken

ittakes2 · 26/12/2021 11:30

I find this really interestingly, because my family are overseas we don't really exchange presents. My Dh's family live nearby though, my children do get presents from them but don't expect presents from them. Once in June my husband brought home Christmas presents from his brother who had kept forgetting to pass them to my children. None of us even noticed he had not given them presents, including my children. Its not that we hadn't seen him since December - we had and my husband had passed him a present for his son - we just don't view presents as an exchange and if he had never gave anything no one would have been worried. The only shame was they were clothes and so too small for them by June, so it felt like a waste of their money.
I am guessing in your family you have a tradition of direct exchange? Ie someone hands you a present and you hand one back? We don't have that. Maybe that's the difference.

AngelsEyeball · 26/12/2021 11:38

Maybe your dad has other worries than getting your son a gift

Alwayscheerful · 26/12/2021 11:41

Adults notice those who give presents and those who do not.
Children are generally so caught up in the excitement of the day they generally don't know who bought what. Mums often have to make a mental note.
My grandchildren of various ages have a wonderful Christmas and would never notice or worry about gifts.
If you don't feel like hosting don't do it , it is good you are teaching your little one to be thoughtful.

Alwayscheerful · 26/12/2021 11:42

@Theyearthatneverwas

Perfect opportunity to teach your son to never expect gifts from anyone. Appreciate gifts when given but never expect them. That is just grabby behaviour. Did your son enjoy spending time with his grandpa? If yes, that that should be sufficient.

This.

Goldbar · 26/12/2021 11:43

I always feel simultaneously sorry for people whose DC have shit grandparents and surprised that they expect them to step up on special occasions like Christmas. OP, YANBU to hope for better from them but your mistake was to expect it and not to prepare your DS.

There are hundreds of threads about grandparents falling over themselves to shower their grandchildren in gifts and parents wondering how to contain/redirect the flow so it's totally understandable that you're upset that your child's grandad couldn't even bring him some chocolate.

You can't control their actions, just your response. Maybe reassess how much effort you put into the relationship?

Arethechildreninbedyet · 26/12/2021 11:47

It’s not really the present he’s arsed about though, is if? It’s the lack of thought and reciprocation.

It could have been a card and a tube of sweets and he’d have been made up. He’s hand made his beloved grandparents something and got given naff all back. He’s literally a baby, five years old and they couldn’t have gotten him a £5 wrap up from the supermarket? Nasty bastards.

Don’t invite them back OP, I appreciate why you’re upset, especially as he’s handmade them something. It’s one thing when our parents overlook us but it stings differently when it’s our own children. If he’s genuinely upset about it I’d order him something little that he likes today, a paw patrol car/PJ masks figure /even a bloody book and pretend it’s from them and got delayed in the post. Have him write a thank you card and then keep that thank you card in with the Christmas decs to remind yourself why you’re NOT inviting them next year.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2021 11:50

"I have a tricky relationship with both parents."
That sounds to me as if your problems with your parents predates you son. I'm going to presume these problems are to do with another comment, "My mum and dad are always happy to get something for nothing." People who are 'always happy to get something for nothing' tend, in my experience, to fall into two broad types.

Positive people who will, for example, see something in a skip, take it home and refurbish it into something that will give them pleasure.
Negative people who will jealously guard what they have, look enviously at what others have, and feel they have 'won' if they get something from others and 'lost' if they give anything to others.

I'm guessing your parents are the negative type.

Your son, at five, experiences the joy of giving and cannot yet understand that not everyone is like him. He genuinely enjoyed making and giving, it's not that he wants a present, a thing; it's that he wanted his granddad to have that enjoyment too. Nothing to do with entitlement and having, everything to do with others being happy. You have a lovely son.

You do not have lovely parents. And it's time for you to decide what to do about that. You know what they are like and your son does not - he can't, he's too young to see what you see. You see that "My DS adores his grandparents and they cannot be bothered with him."

So what would be best for your son in this situation?

As I see it, there are two options. Protect, or teach. You can protect him from their indifference by minimising contact with them, or you can teach him that some people are different from him and don't give only take and that's something to be sad about but they cannot change. Both options have their advantages and disadvantages, although I lean more to the teach (your son will experience such people throughout life, forewarned is forearmed). Either way, I would try to dial down your son's adoration a bit. You know it will lead to disappointment for your son, because your parents just don't have it in them to be worth adoring. The odd throwaway comment along the lines of 'Remember, your grandpa is a bit of a grump and never thinks to buy presents for others' whilst your son excitedly makes something for him could save him from upset in the future.

Porcupineintherough · 26/12/2021 12:04

Wise words @WhereYouLeftIt

Fendidntdrake · 26/12/2021 12:14

"Not all granddads give presents. The important thing is he came to see us. Now let's play with one of your other presents, shall we?"

ddl1 · 26/12/2021 12:39

It’s not really the present he’s arsed about though, is if? It’s the lack of thought and reciprocation.

I don't think small children have much of a concept of 'thought and reciprocation'. What they do have a concept of, is attention. Probably the child noticed that granddad was preoccupied with other things, and wasn't paying much attention to him, and this hurt him. Understandable, and it would have been ideal if granddad could have put in just slightly more effort; but family illness does take up a lot of attention.

Comedycook · 26/12/2021 12:43

I agree with you op. That's shitty behaviour from them...if they also are mean with their time, I'd stop making any effort with them. My parents are dead but would have been very involved grandparents. My mil is totally disinterested. If it was up to me, I'd cut her out of our lives completely because of it.

RedHelenB · 26/12/2021 12:58

@DimlowChips

DS is certainly not spoiled. He is very thoughtful, explained to us that he wanted to make individual presents for nanny and grandad as nanny is in hospital and would be able to share. DS was so excited to GIVE his gift to grandad.

Exactly, more fun to give than receive so the explanation that nanny is I hospital should cover why no present.

TooManyAnimals94 · 26/12/2021 13:06

Sometimes I really don't get MN. If someone posted on here that they weren't going to get their 5 Yr old grandson a present because they essentially couldn't be bothered I doubt anyone would say that was OK but if anyone DARES to criticise their parents they are told their spoiled!
Having been through something similar with my dad yesterday OP I totally understand your frustration. But I'm sure your son got lots of other lovely gifts and memories so he'll be OK 🙂

CriminalOrator · 26/12/2021 13:54

My DS who is 5 stood by the sofa after his grandad left and heartbreakingly asked why grandad didn’t give him a present

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I think it was slightly bonkers statements like this that lost you a bit of support.

BringUsSomeFrigginPudding · 26/12/2021 14:09

Since they can afford it, it's mean of them to accept gifts and not give anything in return. Of course a child would be hurt by that!

Hont1986 · 26/12/2021 14:24

The right thing to do would have been to prepare a gift yourselves and label it from Grandad.

I would certainly not expect someone who's partner has been in hospital for the duration of present-buying time to do that themselves, let alone the partner themselves from their hospital bed!

This sounds very PFB.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2021 14:34

Does your ds not get many presents op?

I'm just trying to fathom how this would all play out, and can't imagine it.

Maybe my dds are super lucky, but they get a sack and stocking from Santa, and then there's a dozen or so gifts under the tree from me, dad, a relative, a friend, whatever, handed out at random.

I just can't imagine them thinking at 5 'wait a minute, where's my gift from x'

So, I'm thinking you must do it differently for your ds to notice. Do you do 'here's mine to you mummy' 'and here's your back darling' type?

cantare · 26/12/2021 14:45

@HeddaGarbled

I cannot get the image of him stood staring at the ground whilst I heard his heart break

I had a bit of sympathy until I read that sentence. What a load of manipulative sentimental clap trap. ‘Heard his heart break’ because he didn’t get one more present? Come on now.

^ this!

Comedycook · 26/12/2021 15:22

I just can't imagine them thinking at 5 'wait a minute, where's my gift from

I don't think a child expecting a gift from grandparents on Christmas day is particularly unusual.

CriminalOrator · 26/12/2021 15:26

@Comedycook

I just can't imagine them thinking at 5 'wait a minute, where's my gift from

I don't think a child expecting a gift from grandparents on Christmas day is particularly unusual.

Where do you stand on audible heartbreak?

Comedycook · 26/12/2021 15:50

I can see why it's heart breaking especially if the child has made a card and gift.

My mil is vile... totally disinterested. If she does bring a Christmas gift it's shit she's bought herself from a catalogue but doesn't want so gave our dc bath towels...it's so awful and disappointing and as a parent you then have to put a positive spin on it or make excuses.

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 26/12/2021 16:02

If his wife is in hospital, the granddad will have other things on his mind - it's as simple as that. It's only really parents who have the capacity to centre their child no matter what.

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