Visitors with sleeping children

[TheSpyWhoSleighedMe]

Family member will stay in the car for hours if their child or children are asleep! waiting for them to wake - and I do mean hours! This is their third baby, she’s nearly two. They’ve done this for every child, every time they visit. When it was just one baby both husband & wife will stay in the car. Recently one parent will remain with the sleeping child/ren and the other will come inside with whoever is awake.

Lunch is on the table getting cold. They arrived at 11:30, it’s now 13:43.

Aibu for thinking it’s odd (and giving my myself a headache with the amount of eye rolling).

That is utterly ludicrous. You can’t go and visit other people (well, certainly not if you’re expecting to be catered for, anyway!) and behave like that. You either fit in and carry child inside, or let everyone carry on in your absence.

This
Also everything TedMullins and DirtyDancing said

and this

There’s absolutely no way that my dinner would be on the table, going hold, while I was being held to ransom by an overindulged adult who’d have a tantrum if I didn’t dance to their tune.

If they want to sit in a car for a couple of hours while their child sleeps they can have their dinner reheated when they come in. The rest of you should crack on and enjoy lunch. If they don’t like that, tough shit.

Id take from this that the wife doesnt want to be at your house?

How not just that. The 2yr old must be up half the night or going to bed very late if they can sleep for so long souring the day.

I would have started eating long ago and wld have heated theirs up when they came in.

@TheSpyWhoSleighedMe

They came in not long after my last post. This was about an hour after we sat down to eat and the rest of us were getting really merry by this point . I told them food was in the oven and to help themselves. They hardly said a word and left over an hour ago.

Before meeting his wife and having children my son was extremely rigid and inflexible with times & schedules. 13:30 lunch meant sitting down at exactly 13:29. He used to get very annoyed if people were even a couple minutes late. Once my sister & her family came to us for Christmas. They had to change a tyre on the way and arrived 5 minutes late. My son didn’t wait and was eating his starter when they arrived . I used to want him to relax a bit more and wondered if he was on the spectrum due to his strict rules. Now he’s a completely different person...be careful what you wish for!

I’m not judging them, they can do what they like in their own home. However when it directly affects us and other members of our family I just think it’s unfair.

I stopped inviting them for sit down meals years ago (after being told oh are eating this again). I usually do sandwiches or cold buffet type foods.

Their behaviour was outrageous. Sounds like they deserve each other tbh, but you definitely shouldn't pander to them. I think I'd be arranging to meet them on neutral ground for a walk/coffee and not bothering trying to get them to behave nicely for big events.

I don't fully understand your last post. Are you blaming the wife for the change or just noting your son seems to want it both ways - on time when it suits or everyone wait for him when it suits.

Either way I think you need to be more assertive. You don't need to be rude but simply say you are eating and they can have theirs when they are ready, as you have.

We used to sometimes sit in the car while ours slept as we were so desperate for some peace and they didn’t always nap in cots etc. It’s a bit extreme doing it on Christmas day though and at other social occasions.!

@pradavilla

How not just that. The 2yr old must be up half the night or going to bed very late if they can sleep for so long souring the day.

I would have started eating long ago and wld have heated theirs up when they came in.

I don't know about that. When ds1 was 2 he napped for 2-3 hours at midday then slept from 7pm-7am. He's 5.5yo now and still sleeps for a solid 12 hours a night.

Eh?? I would never do this! Crazy. Sorry you are dealing with this. So what if they're a bit grumpy and tired, they can nap in the pram after lunch

I wouldnt invite these people over anymore. They sound batshit haha

They're very rude.

Off topic, but is it safe for kids to nap that long in a car seat? I thought it was dangerous for their breathing.

Yes kids should not be in a car seat that long.

It is quite odd of them. However for the sake of having a nice time and not being overly bothered by this, I would take her plate to the car. Act of kindness from your behalf for not letting her starve out there and you can go back in and eat yours. Win-win! Also whilst she sits and eats in the car she may realise how odd this actually is!

DD would sleep for 2-3 hours in the middle of the day at that age. However, if we needed to be somewhere I would make sure she’d had some sleep to get by. I assume child had slept on the journey as well. I wouldn’t sit for over 2 hours though, just enough so she was manageable. They are nuts. All of their children couldn’t have needed the sleep that much.

What is their relationship dynamic like?

Is it possible this is an abusive relationship involving coercive control?

It seems odd that your DS would change behaviour so dramatically and suddenly expect you to work completely round their needs. I wonder if your DIL is giving him grief if your whole world doesn't revolve completely around her and her DC's wishes.

If your DS has autistic traits, he may be quite vulnerable to coercive control.

If that's a possibility, please consider that your DIL may be deliberately causing friction to isolate your DS from you and he needs you to keep your relationship with him intact.

Sounds like your dil doesn't like you very much. Great excuse not to have to mix with you......

DIL just arrived…

"Now he’s a completely different person"

Is he? Or does his rigidity just manifest itself in other ways?

@Lemons1571

If I’d moved one of mine when they were nearly 2 and sleeping in the car, they’d have woken up and screamed / thrashed about for at least an hour non stop. Think our record was 1 hour 50 minutes of thrashing and screaming before they eventually gave up. Under the OP’s circumstances it would’ve been painful for all present (and we’d have probably given up and gone home after half an hour).

My 3.5 year old is still like this if he naps in the day (he still needs a nap when he wakes at 6am) but it's never a planned nap, just happens if he's tired enough. In this situation, I would try and move him though and hope that I could transfer him to the buggy. I would feel awkward staying in the car for that long if we were guests. If he woke up screaming I would try and settle him indoors...away from people until he settled! 🤷🏻‍♀️