To think it's unacceptable so many women cry in the workplace?

[ttcpatronisers]

I work in an office of approx 40 people. Half of them roughly are women.

Of the Half, the majority have cried in the workplace - many on multiple occasions and often when they are in the wrong about a situation.

I find this unprofessional and odd. Of the men, one has cried.

Why do women cry so often at work? Is it because there's some truth in us being unable to control our emotions? Is it because we fell it's accepted in society for women to cry? Or is it because we attention? Know we can get what we want when we cry as it softens a situation?

Honestly, I find it very odd and annoying. I feel it undermines us in the workplace.

I also find it incredibly unprofessional. Now obviously if something really bad has happened it's a different story but often these tears are because of minor events.

AIBU - crying at work isn't unprofessional
YANBU - people should hold their emotions together and perhaps go to the toilet and cry

I can empathise with real issues (eg someone's mum being ill, divorce etc) but I can't empathise with crying in the workplace because you've done something wrong, missed a deadline etc. To me they aren't real issues. I am very black and white as a person and if you're putting energy into crying, then you're not putting energy into solving the problem

But you don't seem to be using any emotional intelligence with that empathy. You might be "lucky" enough to be able to switch on and off with black and white thinking, but surely you realise that stress is cumulative, whatever people might consciously wish. It's effects on our bodies and hormones is just as much still there between 9-5 as it is outside of work - and none of us ever really know what is going on in other people's lives that might have had a cumulative effect on causing the overwhelm of emotion that is crying. I'd bet that in maybe 3/4 of the cases of people you've seen crying at work about mistakes etc, it's usually not really 100% about the thing. I have lost several beloved people in the last two years, my parents are ageing, work is stressful and home life is stressful, I have undiagnosed health issues under investigation and there's a pandemic on; my bucket is already very nearly full to the brim, so I'm far more likely to cry about a small mistake I make at work at the moment then I would have been in early 2019. Because it wouldn't just be about the small mistake - it would be overwhelm of emotion and stress in general, but as my colleague unless you were also my close friend you'd never know the background.

It takes a lot more energy trying to hold back tears than it does to cry, so enough please with the nonsense of wasted energy being "put into crying instead of problem solving".

I remember 15 odd years ago crying because I fucked up at work. That time I was working for a horrendous narcissistic full on bully of a boss, and I was terrified of his reaction. I promise you I wasn't putting energy into crying, quite the opposite, I poured shit tonnes of energy into trying not to cry and trying to hide it from other people. That's having already put all my energy into correcting and mitigating the issue. You might think that I was crying about a not real issue, but I assure you that the terror I felt about my boss' reaction was very real for me.

I've cried more recently because a colleague (who I suspect to be neurodiverse) had yet another emotional outburst because I hadn't done something exactly the way she thought I would. I had done absolutely nothing wrong, we have all the measures in the world in place to try to avoid her emotional outbursts, and I was upset and frustrated as hell that I was once again on the receiving end of one, and I knew that there was fuck all I could do about it and that management would once again go round the merry go round of "if only people would communicate with Colleague X better" rather than accept that I had done exactly that, and wouldnt even acknowledge that working with somebody who is having meltdowns is extremely stressful to be witness to and has a knock on effect on the rest of the team's mental health. (And please nobody say I'm not being sympathetic to the how meltdown colleague felt - I can see that they are struggling and I have huge amount of empathy and sympathy that it's really not nice for them - my problem is that nobody in management ever acknowledges the knock on effect). See above for my background stress levels - if everything else was tickety boo in my life and work, I almost certainly wouldn't have cried at work over that. But humans - we're only human and life just IS messy and complicated.

Women may cry and men may get shouty and sweary for the exact same reasons so you can’t really separate the two. Same reaction just shown in a different way.

You seem to want to live in a bygone era. The world would be a much better place if people didn’t keep their emotions and feelings bottled up.

Also in twenties my relative had a heart attack while i was at work and i didnt know i could go or that they would survive

Do the "weaponsised tears" people not understand that is the minority of women that can turn on the waterworks at will? For the rest of us it is a normal human reaction to the situation.
Over 20 years in pretty mixed offices there have only been a handful of occasions where I can readily remember tears. I suspect there may be more but it was so natural and unremarkable that I haven't held on to the memory.

YABU in your BUs. This is because you don't factor in those of us who have never cried at work - and I've been working for nearly 30 years. Your AIBU gives two very narrow options.

Also, so what if I did cry? It's not a competition of the 'hardest'.

Grow up!

You sound really uncaring. If you work in a huge place, there is a chance someone somewhere is going through something tough.

I have cried at work (since I started working) for a few reasons: receiving news of a death in the family, very long term relationship breakup (when I told my boss I needed time off to move out), injuring myself badly at work (splicing my hand open).
I've also cried in private in the loos after getting bad news, or dealing with emotions after upsetting work related situations (I deal with funerals, in some capacity). I am used to it now, but I wasn't always, and some funerals are a lot harder than others. That's happened twice in a decade in this industry.

Oh, and once when my boss insisted I go into work when I was suffering from food poisoning. I was on the loo most of the time and very upset! I felt dreadful and their attitude made it worse x100.

Well I work in an infant school so a lot of crying goes on, but not normally from the staff and they are about 80% women. The only time I saw someone cry was just before the first lockdown when she found out she would have to work even though her family member is CEV and a that time it was pretty scary as we didn't know what would happen.

@Lovesplasticstraws

Do the "weaponsised tears" people not understand that is the minority of women that can turn on the waterworks at will? For the rest of us it is a normal human reaction to the situation. Over 20 years in pretty mixed offices there have only been a handful of occasions where I can readily remember tears. I suspect there may be more but it was so natural and unremarkable that I haven't held on to the memory.

What's your point though?

No one's saying it's every woman in every office that uses tears to distract from poor performance or challenging situations and try to make peers and seniors feel sorry for them. It's incredibly manipulative.

It does happen, I've seen it. And it's usually a career limiting tactic.

Let's be very clear that the above is not bad news, personal reasons or stress related crying. We all seen that, that's part of life and is very different. I've also seen men cry at work too when they have horrible personal situations to deal with.

I cried because I learnt about an infant death on my caseload.

I cried another time because I was having a miscarriage and was the only one in so didn't want to let people down.

There can be many reasons why people cry.

Maybe they're crying because they have to work with you?

The times I cried at work was a) when we were just about broken by work conditions and b) when I was trying to soldier on through the terminal illness of a loved one. With hindsight I should have been off sick.

Don’t know about you but I literally have no control over whether I cry or not if I’m very upset so it’s definitely not for attention. I believe men are better at controlling it as they’ve had it drilled into them not to cry since they were children. They express their emotions differently, I don’t think it’s right to say women are more ‘emotional,’ - men/ boys tend to just express different emotions, eg it’s my experience as a teacher that boys tend to get much angrier than girls, anger is still an emotion. I don’t like women being stereotyped as ‘emotional,’ for this reason.

@Heruka

What kind of work is it? I work in therapeutic services with vulnerable families and we’ve all had the odd cry sometimes. It’s very sad work. And it’s a very supportive environment where if you were having a sad time at home, your friends would want to support you. I appreciate the boundaries may be different in a corporate environment but I don’t really like the ‘stupid women’ tone to your post. People have emotional reactions to difficult things. That’s normal and healthy.

And this. Some jobs are more life and death than others. Some are uniquely emotionally tough. But I agree there's a weird 'stupid women' tone to your post.

Maybe the world would be a nicer place if more men cried at work?

I worked in large investment banks and several multinationals for nearly 20 years and this most certainly was NOT my experience in any shape are form.

Half the female workforce crying at one time or another sounds extraordinary.

A colleague died very suddenly, a much loved man in his 40's with a young family.
That was the only time I was upset or saw both male and female colleagues devastated.
Other than that my female colleagues have always been well able to control their emotions.

Have you considered it’s because they have to work with you?

I cried at work because I started miscarrying in the toilets.

Go fuck yourself

awaits deletion

For goodness sake, it’s Christmas Eve. Imagine coming on here to start this thread today!

[quote ttcpatronisers]@PlasticPlantsDontDie I like your post and do agree actually, I also agree that men have their own issues for sure.

But I posted about women just because it's a current situation where I've seen it happen recently so it was on my mind.

The men debate is for another thread.

I don't understand why posters are in denial that women cry more often than men - can we at least accept that?

I appreciate the debate is about whether or not this is professional. Personally I don't think it is but I understand others will disagree - I also think it does depend on the industry.

I don't want to say exactly what I do but let's say it's a professional/skilled environment. [/quote]
Education? It's the main one where having human emotions gets slammed as being unprofessional.

Look, if you (like me and more often, men) feel angry or numb rather than tearful, so never get the healthy release that crying gives people, you'll just have to live with that. It doesn't mean silently - or not so silently - judging others who have more psychologically appropriate and healthy responses to stress, pain and upset are lesser mortals.

They're just better adjusted.

@Festivemoose

For goodness sake, it’s Christmas Eve. Imagine coming on here to start this thread today!

Why not? Not everyone celebrates Christmas

Why not? Not everyone celebrates Christmas

Okay, how about because it’s a really shitty and nasty thread to start? That better?

I don't have time to read the whole thread but there is now recognition in some workplaces that a proportion of older women may need reasonable adjustments made in the workplace when going through the menopause. Anxiety, brain fog, insomnia and low mood are incredibly common symptoms in mid-life and until recently largely ignored by employers. Women can spend half their lives living with the effects of significant hormonal deficiency - the lucky ones sail through this but not everyone. I have a friend who thought she had early-onset alzheimers in her mid 40s and ended up quitting her role as a successful hedge fund manager as she couldn't think straight and was often tearful. She had never cried or struggled at work up until this point. Just one reason why women might be tearful at work. Some workplaces can be quite toxic too - I've experienced this in education tbh.

In my experience, women crying at work isn’t much of a ‘thing’. It happens sometimes. Sounds like something to do with your organisation/culture.

Well it's a shame we can't all be dead inside like the op.

I think it's unacceptable that the workplace culture is so bad that people are in tears.

Your workplace sounds really awful.

I've never worked anywhere that had caused people to cry.